This is a little different. I just felt like trying something new. Hope you enjoy!
I don't own anything.
She's surprised to find that she doesn't wake up alone. She's gotten used to having the bed to herself, so much so that she sleeps in the middle of the bed. It used to be that she had a very distinct side because Derek always wanted his space and Mark always wanted to sleep right next to her and she was always trying to give Derek what he wanted and Mark what he didn't. But today she wakes up with a man in her bed, well, assuming that you call Alex Karev a man instead of the weird boy-man that he is.
He wakes up soon after her so she doesn't have to decide whether or not to sneak out and she can't decide if that's a good or a bad thing. She gets up and says she has to go, which isn't exactly a lie but it's not exactly the truth and what does it matter anyways because she's Addison Forbes Montgomery and she doesn't sleep with the help. Or she didn't used to. Maybe that's changed now. If she knew exactly where they stood she might be able to make that call but as it stands, she might as well be standing in front of one of those mall maps that say "You Are Here" except in this case, there's no map or arrow and all she knows is that She Is Here but where Here is is a secret that she's not in on.
So she leaves quickly and he doesn't stop her because she's Addison Forbes Montgomery and he's Alex Karev and this isn't that kind of movie. And then she runs into him at work and she's anxious and bumbling and nervous and all of the things that an Addison and especially a Montgomery isn't supposed to be and she's cursing him because he's gone and shot her idea of what she is straight to hell.
And he accepts it because she's Addison Forbes Montgomery and he's Alex Karev and she's so far out of his league that they're not even playing the same sport.
But then he accidently chooses the same on call room as her to get some shut eye in and she's not exactly awake or lucid but she shoots him down when he offers to find another spot to snooze. And so he goes to the bed adjacent to hers and lies down except now she's sitting up and awake, although lucid is yet to be determined. And she crosses to him and ends up in his lap and kissing him and clearly she's not exactly lucid.
And she wonders in some deep recesses of her brain if this means that Addison Forbes Montgomery does sleep with the help or if she's not Addison Forbes Montgomery anymore because this is heresy and it's so grave that she's been kicked out and now she's not Addison Forbes Montgomery or even Addison and she's not sure if that's a completely bad thing.
And later he shows up at her hotel room and she's not really sure how he knows where she's staying but with his lips on hers it doesn't really seem all that important. And she wonders if this means they're involved now or if it's just sex or some weird hybrid like a werewolf and she never did like werewolves as a kid.
So she pulls away and regrets it the second she does but, being not stupid—although she'd never claim to be smart—knows that it's important that they have this conversation now even if neither of them really likes talking all that much or even likes each other all that much.
He rolls his eyes when she says they need to talk because talking is such a girly thing to do and in some respects he's still five years old and thinks girls have cooties. But she points out that the faster they talk, the faster they can get back to having sex and he realizes that he's chosen to be attracted to the one person in the world who can keep him in line and that really, really sucks.
So they talk. The conversation doesn't last all that long because neither of them like talking too much and it's awkward and in any case they want to get back to what they were doing before she insisted that they talk but they get things figured out. And they decide that she's not ready for another relationship and he doesn't do relationships anyways and they're not going to try to turn this into something it's not.
She maintains a very cool head about this but somewhere in a secret back room in her brain, a little tiny bit of her dies when they agree to just sex but it's so small and so hidden that she doesn't even feel it and in any case she's never been one to be dominated by her emotions.
He feels guilty about the just sex thing but he's Alex Karev and he hides it because he doesn't do relationships, not even for women who are just as quick as him to jump from talking to sex and who can see past all the bull that he puts up to hide the fourteen year old that still freaks out any time a man even starts to yell at a woman.
It's all just sex.
It's just sex when he starts bringing her coffee before surgeries and it's just sex when she starts trusting him with bigger and bigger roles in surgery. It's just sex when they start eating lunch together and it's just sex when he defends her from a patient's enraged husband. It's all just sex.
It's just sex when she casually leaves the newspaper opened to the house listings and it's just sex when he comes along to look at houses. It's just sex when she decides against a beautiful apartment that Addison Forbes Montgomery would have loved because he points out that it's not her because she's not Addison Forbes Montgomery anymore. She's Addison every day and Dr. Montgomery at work and Addie when she feels sad or unsure and Adds when they're joking around and Montgomery when he's frustrated with her for being so down on herself but she's not Addison Forbes Montgomery anymore. And it's just sex when they agree that a small house with a big backyard and pool and a couple of bedrooms (that can be guest rooms or changed into an office or a home gym or a shoe room of course) is much more her. It's just sex when she asks his opinions on paint colors and furniture and he tells her to go to hell because it'll be a cold day there before he turns into an interior designer. It's just sex when she retorts that at least they'll be able to carpool and slams the door on the way out.
And it's just sex when he sits up until two in the morning waiting for her to come home. It's just sex when she finally wanders in, crying that she's done something terrible and that she's so, so sorry. It's just sex when he tamps down the jealousy he feels knowing that she's gone and run to Mark Sloan again and the anger at her for running to him and at himself for being the reason that she had to resort to him in the first place and pulls her into his arms and resolves to never, ever let her go, even if it is only just sex and nobody is feeling anything beyond lust and she can't cheat on him when it's just sex.
It's just sex when they agree on one shade of brown for the living room and when he concedes that red was a good color for the kitchen. It's just sex when they're sitting in the kitchen at the breakfast table that took them forever to find because it had to be just so and round and Addison really couldn't decide what wood she wanted in the kitchen and it all came down to the table and she slides a key across it and said she had it made in case he wanted to stay over. It's just sex a month later when he realizes that he doesn't have anything else at Meredith's except for his trophies and CDs and that this may constitute living together. It's just sex when she sighs that he may as well bring over the trophies and CDs and that this doesn't mean that they're getting serious but she's just being nice because he helped her move all the furniture in her house so that it was to her liking.
And it continues to be just sex when they're lying in bed at midnight and he explains that his dad hit his mom and that he finally hit back and he became a surgeon but he was originally a wrestler and that he can't get angry with her because there's one little piece of him that controls his thoughts and actions that believes that if he lets himself get angry he'll end up hurting her. And she doesn't respond because this is supposed to be just sex and he's not supposed to open up to her. But she grabs his hand and entwines it with her own and kisses him on the cheek and crosses from her side of the bed to his to lay her head on his chest and lets his heartbeat lull her to sleep and somehow that's better than if she had tried to say anything.
And it's still just sex when a couple of months later she slides something else across the breakfast table that had to be just so but this time it's not a key. This time it's a pregnancy test and it's the sixth one she's taken because at first she was terrified and then she had to make sure and if she's learned anything in life and at Seattle Grace, it's that you need to verify your facts before spreading rumors. She waits nervously to see his reaction and he stammers and stutters and she understands because of that late night admission and she sighs that she'll be okay if he wants to leave because she knows that he's not ready. And he knows that he's not ready and he probably won't ever be ready but that's not really important. What's important is that this woman and that baby need him and Addison is probably the only one he would ever do this for because she's the only one he'd trust to hurt him worse than he'd ever be able to hurt her. So later that night, while they're lying in bed not having sex he says that maybe they should think about getting married because that's what you do and it's not like they don't act married anyways. And she swallows because getting married could be just sex or maybe responsibility but it could also mean that they're moving beyond the realm of just sex and responsibility and that's somewhere she never thought she'd end up with Alex Karev. But she says okay because it's what you do with a baby on the way and the thought of waking up to Alex Karev every morning and growing old with him doesn't freak her out nearly as much as it ought to and he has never once made her feel bad for sleeping with Mark or for cheating on Derek and he makes her feel safe and not alone and that's what's important anyways.
It finally becomes something more than just sex when they go down to the courthouse with Meredith and Callie because Meredith is like a sister to him and Callie is Callie and get married and both of them have to keep their smiles in check because if they start grinning that would be like admitting that they're not doing this out of responsibility or duty or requirement. That would be like saying that they're doing it for them which would open a whole other can of worms and nobody wants to go there.
But secretly, deep down where nobody can look and see anything, they know that they're doing it for them and nobody else, not even the little person inside of her. But try getting one of them to say that.
And finally, finally, finally something changes. Months later, Addison goes into labor and before she gets to the part where she's screaming about how much she hates him he looks over and just says it; that one thing that they didn't even say when they got married because they were pretending that they were doing all of this for the sake of their daughter and not anybody else and most definitely not for themselves. And she looks up, shock filling her eyes because even though she's about to go through the most painful experience of her life and she's already seriously pissed at him for ever getting her into this situation and she never, ever thought he'd be the first one to say it or the one to say it all she can say it back and she can mean it. He just says I love you and she says it back and then it's back to the pain and the anger and the hand clenching for the two of them and a little later they have a beautiful little girl who managed to get her mother's eyes and her father's nose and they've never seen anything so beautiful except for Alex because he's not only looking at his daughter, he's looking at the woman he's lucky enough to call his wife looking at his daughter and he's like 99.99999 percent certain that he never will see anything so beautiful as the grin on her face.
As Addison studies her daughter, she thinks back to that very first thought the moment Addison Forbes Montgomery decided to kiss Alex in the on call room and thinks that if that was heresy then this would be like shooting the pope and if she hadn't been excommunicated then, then she's certainly excommunicated now and that's okay with her. Now she can just be Addison or Addie or Adds or Montgomery and now Mommy or Mom and there's really no point in being Addison Forbes Montgomery anymore. Because she's standing in front of that mall map again, the one that says "You Are Here" and She Is Here and where Here is doesn't really matter anymore because she's happy with Here and doesn't really think that she's ever going to need to know her way out.
I'd love to hear thoughts!
-Juli-