Disclaimer: I do not own anything Hobbit.
I have no words onto why this is late. And yes, this is more crackish then the others.
Unexpected
Azog grinned as he watched his first army below push back the Dwarven Runt's army and allies. This was going far better than he imagined.
"Azog the Defiler!"
There a very few things that can cause Azog to feel terror, that damn bear being one. The other is the owner of the voice that had called his name. Slowly, he turned around, and right before his eyes came It.
Large hairy feet, dressed in furs, pointed ears, curly black hair, and fiery grey eyes made up Marmadoc Took.
Behind, and supposed to be leading his second army into the battle below, was his offspring Bog. Looking very much nervous, and properly chastised.
Beside him, his lieutenant squeaked in horror.
Azog wanted to do the same, instead, he moved; meeting them half way. Once they were standing toe to toe, Marmadoc folded his arms as he stared up at the Orc, tapping one foot.
"My woman," Azog greeted.
Marmadoc was not a woman, he was every percent male, but Orc culture was weird like that. With Hobbit culture a close second. The Hobbit raised a brow, then he beckoned Azog down with a finger. Pushing back the urge to gulp, Azog obediently lowered himself down at the waist.
Marmadoc then smiled sweetly.
Azog whimpered.
"Azog, my Orc, did we not have a conversation about this?"
Azog nodded silently.
"And did we not agree to not do this?"
Again Azog silently nodded.
"So explain to me why, that, not only is you army down there. But, I stopped my Bog and his own army from heading in this direction."
"Master—" Marmadoc narrowed his eyes, and Azog stopped talking.
Marmadoc did not like Master.
"But—"
"Call them off, or not only will I do it myself, but I will drag you down there and make you apologize to everyone."
Now normally, one would think it laughable that such a little thing could make the terror that was Azog the Defiler do anything, however, Marmadoc was not his woman for nothing. There was a reason why Azog, and his Orcs equally adored (well as much as an Orc could, cause you know, Orc.), and did everything in their power not to make Marmadoc angry, sad or anything that isn't happy. (Currently on the happy list is: Good food, cleaning up dismembered limbs, Warg puppies, and lots and lots of sex with his Azog).
Still, it was the Master.
"The Master—"
"Bog."
Still looking nervous, Bog shuffled closer to Marmadoc, "Mother?"
Again, Orc culture. Weird.
"Take your army back."
Bog grunted, and with could possibly be the closest thing to a sympathetic look an Orc could get toward Azog, Bog turned around to do as he was told like a good little Orc. Marmadoc looked back at Azog.
"Last chance."
Azog is silent, then he looked at his lieutenant
"Tell them to fall back." Azog ordered.
Marmadoc was scarier, and deadlier then Master.
Not mention, Azog was not apologizing to the Dwarven Runt.
The Orc hurried to do just that, and they all watched as Azog's army began to fall back, much to the confusion off the other army.
"Good, now let's go. This discussion is not yet over."
Residing himself to a long, and most likely cold night, Azog followed behind his woman, his lieutenant bringing up the rear. They are crossing the frozen lake to take the path down, and Azog wondering how many Warg puppies he will have to get to lessen the blow that was to come later, when suddenly the Dwarven runt is there, sword in hand and ready for battle. Stopping in obvious confusion, when he sees the two….but not surprised.
Azog inwardly groaned.
Groaning aloud when more Dwarves suddenly appeared.
Marmadoc looked up at him, back at the Dwarves, then back at Azog.
He grinned.
…..No.
"Don't you da—"
"Hello!" Marmadoc chirped at the Dwarves, interrupting Azog. "I'm assuming you're part of the army below, correct?"
Thorin glanced at his Company, then nodded at the Hobbit.
"And I'm assuming from Azog's reaction, you." Here the Hobbit looked at Thorin, "Are Thorin Oakenshield."
Again, Thorin nodded.
"Wonderful! Azog has something to say to you."
Azog snarled at the Hobbit who merely smiled sweetly up at him. Thorin and the rest of the Company watched the stand-still.
"Do you think he's Bilbo's relative?" Kili whispered to his brother.
"Has to be," Fili whispered back, "and a Took too. I mean, how else to explain…this."
Finally, after a long moment, Azog growled and looked away. Marmadoc's smile grew. The Orc then turned his attention to Thorin, walking slowly toward the Dwarf who watched cautiously. Azog stopping until they were nearly toe to toe.
There is a tense silence.
"Run—"
Marmadoc coughed.
"Thorin Oakenshield, I apo—" Thorin raised a brow as Azog's face twisted as though he tasted something fowl, while he struggled to say the word. "I apo-apol—ap-"
"Apologize?" Thorin tentatively helped, after a third failed attempt.
"Yes, that. For attacking you, your kin, and the others."
"What else?" Marmadoc spoke up behind him.
Azog snarled something that had Marmadoc looking very much not impressed….and a little turned on.
None of the Dwarves wanted to know.
"What. Else?" Marmadoc repeated.
"And for chasing you across Middle-Earth, and using you as chew toy for my Warg."
"Because?"
"You are pushing it woman."
"Because?"
"I will cut off your head!"
"My Bog and my Wargs won't let you."
"They were mine first!"
"And I rightfully stole them from you."
"I despise you."
"Love you too."
"…. Um…..Thank you?" Thorin interrupted the bickering two.
Azog having forgotten him and the others, turning back at them, looking as embarrassed as an Orc could be. Straightening to his full height, then he nodded at Thorin.
Who nodded back for nothing else to do.
That, it was probably the safest, and sanest option at this point.
Grunting, Azog then turned on his heel, strolled over to Marmadoc with a dark expression. Rumbling something in Orcish, when he was towering over the Hobbit, said Hobbit squealed in delight. Laughing when he was promptly lifted up, and slung over the Orc's shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
The Company parted for the two.
"Goodbye!" Marmadoc waved at them, as the lieutenant scrambled to keep up.
Thorin and the Company waved back, a daze looked in their eyes.
"I'm pretty sure they're going to have sex." Bofur said watching the them get further and further away.
"What makes you say that?" asked Nori.
"Woman, that is not a toy!"
"You love it!"
"I will drop you!"
"Just a thought."
"…..I think I'd want to watch that."
All eyes turned to Ori.
"What?"
I kind of want to write an Azog/Bilbo story now lol. And yes, they are going to do the naughty, try not to think to much on the size difference. Also, Marmadoc is suppose to mean Master/Master of all in Hobbit...so there you go lol.
Let Me Know What You Think.