All hail, LittleKuriboh.

Sage: Yugioh Abridged is some funny stuff. How on Earth could you do this justice?

I did my best. This is actually a birthday present for a good friend of mine. Happy birthday, ll Kairi ll!

I hope people find this funny. I'm more of an angst writer, so let's see how I do with humor.

WARNIGS: Just some rude humor.

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"Bakura! Bakuuuuuura!" Marik said happily, looking over at his gay, not British, best friend. The white-haired man groaned loudly, but otherwise ignored Marik, trying his best to finish watching his favorite movie of all time, Cannibal Holocaust.

He had seen it a hundred times, but he didn't care. He still loved it. It still made him laugh. The screams of the poor people inside the television set as they were slowing being eaten alive still made him laugh.

Marik, not happy with being ignored, tried once again to get Bakura's attention. "Bakura! Bakura!"

Bakura slowly turned up the volume on the television, just in time to have the screams of actress Francesca Ciardi engulf the entire room. Bakura felt a rare smile tug at the corners of his mouth, but unlike Kaiba, his smile didn't murder any puppies. So the world was safe.

Marik pouted and crossed his arms, trying to think of another way he could get the attention he so desperately wanted. Then, an idea came to him and he snuck over towards the television set. While Bakura was too preoccupied watching the brutal dismemberment of the actors, Marik grabbed hold of the plug and pulled.

The TV died with a loud 'pop'. For a moment, Bakura was speechless. Then, he spewed a long length of obscenities that the author can't put onto paper because a new rating has yet to be invented for what this story would fall under if she did. Finally, after he calmed down enough that the Motion Picture Association of America would have considered him 'PG-13' he looked directly over at Marik, his eyes dark and homicidal.

"What did you do?"

"I unplugged your television set!" Marik announced proudly.

"Why?"

"Because it was evil and had you under its spell. And you wouldn't listen to me when I was talking to you!"

"What is so bloody important that you had to interrupt my favorite part of my favorite movie?"

"But you've seen this movie a hundred times!"

"And it gets funnier and funnier each time! Now answer me, what do you have to tell me? Then I decide if I have to kill you or not."

"It's my birthday, Bakura! I want to celebrate!"

Bakura held his breath for a moment and then pinched the bridge of his nose. "Your birthday?...You turned off Cannibal Holocaust to tell me about your birthday!"

Marik nodded. "Yeah. Normally I don't like to celebrate my birthday, because you know on my tenth birthday my dad took me into a torture chamber and used a very hot knife to carve into my back the secret of our clan—Bakura, if you like Cannibal Holocaust you would've loved to see that! I mean, there was blood everywhere! On the bed, on the new clothes I got—Anyways. Yeah, ever since then I've hated my birthday, especially since that's when Melvin was born and he killed my father because my father wouldn't give him a hug. But then I decided, 'Hey that was eight years ago. I deserve a good birthday to mark the anniversary of the day my childhood was over and my father's brutal murder'. So I want to have a slumber party!"

Bakura was still trying to piece together all of the nonsense that had just flooded out of Marik's mouth. He wished the author would have spilt up all that dialogue into two paragraphs, but didn't realize the author had it in one to emphasize how much crap Marik tends to say at one time.

But that didn't matter. All that mattered was that Bakura heard the last part. The very last part. As in the last two words.

"A slumber party?"

Marik nodded happily.

"You're the leader of an underground organization of thieves, possibly the youngest ever, and you want a slumber party for your birthday?"

Marik saw no problem with wanting a slumber party, but he also failed to hear the sarcasm dripping in Bakura's voice, so once again, he nodded.

"Get out." Bakura snapped, pointing his finger to the door.

Marik looked over at it, confused. "Wh-what?"

"I said get out! I will not tolerate your foolishness! A slumber party, what are you? A three year old girl? Come back when you want to something more dastardly. Like joining a cannibalistic tribe in the Amazon."

"But this is my house-"

"Get. Out."

Marik could feel his perfect hair starting to fall under the stress of the situation, and he would not let Bakura see him with unruly hair. Or crying. "Fine!" Marik screamed. "I don't need you, I have tons of other friends, way more than you! They'll have a slumber party with me and there'll be presents and cake and laughter. We might even watch a movie! Yeah, we'll definitely watch, it'll be Cannibal Holocaust and you won't be invited!"

"You couldn't make it through the first five minutes without vomiting."

"I could too! And I'm gonna prove it. I'm going to my other best friend's house and we'll have loads of fun and we'll even do our hair and gossip about you!"

With that Marik marched out of the house making sure to stomp as loudly as he could and to slam the door on his way out. Once he was outside though, he was left with one question: who were his other friends?

Marik shook his head. This was nonsense! Of course he had other friends! There was that creepy mime Steve—

"Oh, wait." Marik said aloud. "He's dead."

Marik remembered how well that plan had gone. Steve had wanted more piercings. Marik tried to talk him out of it, saying he already looked creepy and unapproachable enough with the ones he had. But no, he wanted one more. In a certain place. Done by a man in an old warehouse who wore a ski mask and made Steve sit in an old dentist's chair.

The piercing got infected and Steve died.

"Well, there's always Arcana." Marik said as he began to walk down the street. "Arcana will hang out with me!"

Then he remembered that Arcana had committed suicide after learning that his fiancée really was dead, and there was no bringing her back. Besides, he had still been pretty pissed for almost getting his legs cut off.

"Some people sure can hold a grudge." Marik commented. "What about Lumus and that other guy?...Oh yeah…they fell twenty stories and died."

So…who were his other friends then?

There was the other Steve, the one who had Exodia in his deck.

"No." Marik said. "I don't like him. But…I think I know someone who I do like!...Well…I like him enough." Marik hopped onto his motorcycle and began to drive off, without putting on a helmet because he was a badass like that.

He knew exactly where he would go! He drove the familiar route until he got to his destination. He parked his bike outside the front door and rang the doorbell, waiting anxiously with a smile on his face.

He could hear footsteps getting closer to the door and his excitement only increased. He began to giggle with anticipation.

The front door opened and Yugi was standing inside the doorway, a confused look on his face.

"Marik?"

"Yugi! Hey pal, buddy, amigo. How are you?"

"Uh….I'm…fine?"

"That's wonderful! I'm having a slumber party tonight and I wanted to invite you, since, you know, we're like best friends and everything!"

"Uh…we…we're friends?"

"Of course we are, why wouldn't we be?"

Yugi began to avoid Marik's gaze and scratched the back of his head. "Well, I mean, it's just that…ever since I've known you…you've done nothing but cause trouble for me."

Marik scoffed. "That's ridiculous! When have I ever caused you trouble?"

"Well, you did brainwash Bandit Keith….and then he started the fire in the warehouse trying to break free of your control. I did end up in the hospital after that. You made the Pharaoh duel that creepy guy with all the piercings. Then there was Arcana who tried to severe my legs from my body. Then you kidnapped my friends and tried to kill them!"

"You're exaggerating!"

"Then your evil alter ego came out and tried to kill Bakura, Mai, Joey, and myself."

"I cannot be blamed for what Melvin did! He's a total nutcase!"

"Yeeeeaaaah, and so are you so…."

Marik pouted. "I object. I want to speak with the Pharaoh! He'll come to my slumber party!"

"…..The Pharaoh?...At a slumber party?" Yugi's face fell as he tried to imagine Yami, the proud and stoic being he was, at a slumber party.

"Oh, just let me speak to him!"

"I concur with Yugi." Yami said taking over. "You're really weird and off-putting. Plus, you're annoying. And you wear purple. Only I can wear purple! I am the royalty around here! I am the king of all people! Not even Yugi gets to wear purple. Except of course when—"

Yugi took over because Yami had been starting to tread into unchartered territory.

"I'm sorry Marik," Yugi said, "but I just don't want to go to a slumber party with you. I value my life."

Marik resisted the urge to cry. "Fine! I don't need you or the smelly Pharaoh! I have way more friends I can go to!"

Then Marik turned around and hopped back onto his bike, driving off into the distance.

He came to another destination. It was an apartment building so Marik had to leave his motorcycle on the first level and walk up to the third. He came to the door number he was looking for and knocked on it.

It was opened by Joey Wheeler.

"Hey, Joey! Long time to see, eh?"

"You…what are you doing here?"

"Well you see, it's my birthday and I wanted to have a slumber party! Since you're like, my best friend, I thought I would personally invite you!"

Joey growled. "We're not best friends you creep!"

"What? Well, why not? What have I ever done to you?"

"Your cronies stole my Red-Eyes and I missed getting to see my sister before her surgery! You kidnapped me then brainwashed me so I would duel against Yugi! You made me almost kill him! I almost throw away his puzzle because of you! He almost drowned because of me! But worst of all, you changed my middle name to Steve!"

Joey's lip quivered. "Steve! How will anyone ever take me seriously again? How can I get Boob Breastentine-I mean, Mai Boobentine, to marry me now?"

"So, is that a yes or what?"

"Neh!"

Joey slammed the door in Marik's face.

"Fine then! I don't need you! I have waaaaay more friends!" Then Marik stomped off into the distance.

He was outside the door of yet another apartment. He had just knocked and was now waiting for it to be answered.

"Oh, hi Marik." Anzu said.

"Wait a minute!" Marik exclaimed. "What am I doing here?"

"I-I don't know…"

"I'm not going to invite you to my slumber party! You're a smelly girl."

"Excuse me?"

"There are no smelly girls allowed at my slumber party. Only sexy, sexy men with beautiful hair and rock hard abs!"

"Uh, how would you know if their abs are rock hard?"

"Because just like how there aren't any smelly girls allowed at my slumber party, there won't be any shirts allowed! We will all walk around in our boxers and drink iced tea and have pillow fights!"

"Are you sure you're not gay?"

"I am one-hundred percent straight!" Marik snapped. "Just because I like to wear shirts that show off my washboard abs, and wear boots, and straighten my hair, and wear very thick eyeliner and listen to Lady GaGa does not make me any less masculine! I am the sexiest man alive and I will make sure the World knows it by going to strip clubs, where there are no women because I'm such a man I don't need a woman in front of me to make me happy! Look at you! You got tumors on your chest!"

"Uh…do you mean my breasts?" Anzu asked, growing uncomfortable.

"They are hideous! I don't see what my arch nemesis sees in you!"

"Do you mean Yugi?"

"Yugi! That little jerk denied my invitation too! He and the blasted Pharaoh! I shall exact my revenge on them both! I shall flag his YouTube account."

"Didn't you already try that?"

Marik was silent for a moment. "Then I shall ring his doorbell, and hide in the bushes before he answers. I'll keep doing that. He'll be so annoyed and anxious to find out who is at his door that he'll have an anxiety attack and will be spend the rest of his life in a psychiatric ward!"

"Let's hope he stays out of the one that released you."

Marik frowned. "Watch what you say, smelly girl! I shall exact my revenge on you as well!...For being a smelly girl. That smells. And is a girl….Hmpf."

Anzu stared at him for a moment before slowly closing the door in his face.

Marik sat outside the last house he had on his list. Actually, it was more of a mansion. Kaiba's mansion to be exact. Marik hadn't been in the mansion for a long time. Not since he wasn't invited to Kaiba's big, extravagant party sometime back, and he snuck in through a window and used the toilet.

Marik laughed. He didn't flush.

He walked up the twelve gazzlion steps to the front and noticed that the door knocker was a Blue-Eyes.

"Heh, heh. Dragon fetish." He knocked to the beat of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Because Marik is a brony.

"Plenty of guys watch that show." Marik muttered to himself. "It doesn't make me gay." The door opened and Seto Kaiba stood, glaring down at the person who had interrupted his work.

"Oh, goodie. It's you."

"Hello, Kaiba!" Marik said happily. "Would you like to—"

"No."

"But wait! You didn't even let me finish!"

"It doesn't matter. I don't like you, and even having this minuscule conversation is making my blood pressure rise to the point that I could very well have a heart attack at any moment."

"Ah, c'mon Kaiba! We're like best friends!"

"The only friend I have is myself!"

"No! You have to come to my sleepover. I have to prove my point to Bakura that I have other friends."

"Why don't you go bother Yugi?"

"Actually," Marik felt his eyes drop, "he was the first person I asked. He won't come either."

"Hmm…not even Yugi wants to spend time with you. Then why would anyone want to spend time with you?"

"Because, Kaiba! We're best friends! Remember Battle City?"

"You caused me nothing but trouble at Battle City. Chasing after your cronies was a waste of my time. I would have rather spent it doing something productive, like counting my money. Not to mention all the other stuff you did, like forcing me to duel with Yugi on top of a skyscraper. That was humiliating! Having to be allies with my greatest rival?"

"And you kidnapped me!"

"Shut up, Mokuba!" Kaiba snapped, looking down at his nuisance who had come down to the door.

"But Seto—"

"Shut up!" Then Kaiba turned his attention back to Marik. "The worst thing you ever did was give him back."

"But I didn't give him back."

"Don't lie to me!" Kaiba snapped. "I will never go anywhere with you!" Then he slammed the door in Marik's face.

Marik's shoulders drooped and hung his head. His drug his feet across the steps as he headed over to his bike.

The door creaked open and Marik tried his best to sneak it. But it was a futile effort, because before he had gotten more than a few steps he heard Bakura's voice.

"So, who all is coming to your slumber party? I would like to know how many people I can kill tonight."

Marik was silent for a moment, but he knew he would have to tell Bakura the truth. "Nobody's coming." He whined. "They all said these horrible things to me, Bakura! They all hate me!"

"Gee, I wonder why."

Marik's lips quivered and he walked slowly, heading over to his bedroom. Some birthday, he thought. This really was worse than his tenth birthday. His hand was on the doorknob, when—

"Hey, Marik?"

Marik turned his head. "Yeah?"

"….Do you want to watch Cannibal Holocaust with me?"

Marik's heart flew up in his chest. "Yes!"

He ran anxiously to the TV and sat right down and began watching. But as the movie rolled, Marik felt his stomach churn.

"Hey Bakura? What are they doing to that girl?"

Bakura laughed.

"Seriously, what are they doing? Why are they taking her clothes off?"

The woman on the screen began to scream, and Bakura began to laugh louder.
"Bakura? Bakura? Oh, oh! Wait, why are they taking their clothes off? Ra, what? What are they…?"

As another round of nausea hit Marik, he heard Bakura said wryly, "Happy birthday, Marik."

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So….how was it? Review please?