Fool's Wisdom
Summary: Naruto already smiles the smile Tsunade has seen on so many of the people later called heroes of the village. It didn't help them survive. OneShot.
Warning: not in chronological order
Set: throughout the story
Disclaimer: Standards apply.
To The darkest heart! You've read through most of my Naruto fics! I hope you'll read this one, too, so I'll reply here. Thank you so much for your praise, criticism and your guesses! You've even read the stories no one else ever reads because there are no characters given in the summaries^^ Regarding Dare: the entire story was built up to the last sentence. I'm sorry if I couldn't bring that out that well, it was supposed to be funny and probably failed^^. Regarding The Song of the Wind: I purposefully left all of it open and your guesses are the ones I made, too. But probably I thought of Hokage Naruto and Sakura's child, growing up in Hinata's care... It belongs to another story arc of mine I haven't published in English. And lastly, regarding What the Sun sees: Of course, Team Seven minus Kakashi, in a future I hope won't come true. Your idea of Kurenai was interesting: I'm going to re-read it and see where it came from!^^ So, once again, thank you so much for your reviews!
Dedicated to: The darkest heart for the 20+ reviews in one week (one day?)!
Jiraiya's smile drives her insane.
Tsunade cannot really say why. Her team-mate and friend is awkward and silly (she calls him silly on good days and outright idiotic on others) and annoying as hell. But he's a good friend, a good team-mate and a damn loyal shinobi. His twisted sense of responsibility (and forced humor) and his strange perverseness come later, when everything they once shared has broken and everything she believed in lies on the ground around her, shattered into infinitely tiny pieces.
And years pass.
When she returns she is scarred and older and he is still as soft as always but wiser and even though they are thoroughly destroyed she finds she gets along with him the same way she always did: remarkably well.
Decades haven't altered the way he looks at her.
She takes away many things from him during her life and wonders how he can forgive her for the pain she inflicts on him again and again. His rivalry with their third team mate is partly induced by her preference of Orochimaru above Jiraiya. His jealousy at Dan is due to her cowardice, her refusal to tell him she wasn't able to love him at that point of her life. His anger at Sarutobi is because their Sensei has tagged Tsunade for his successor, not Jiraiya, while Tsunade never seems to care and Jiraiya's greatest dream is to become Hokage.
Still, he smiles at her whenever he feels her eyes on him.
She sends him on a mission one day. He clearly doesn't want to go – or at least whishes there was no need for him to go – but he goes. Because she, his Hokage and friend, asks him to go. Because he feels responsible for the mess they are in. He jumps out of her window just to be caught by the giant toad of his and the last thing she sees is his smile. It makes her heart contract painfully. She has seen this smile before.
Jiraiya never returns and takes away her last chance to redeem herself at least in one way.
His smile.
She has seen it before and the more she tries to remember when, the more the memory seems to retreat. Liquid like water it avoids her grasping hands and while her heart hurts so badly she feels like screaming her eyes stay dry.
She cannot cry for her loss because she never deserved him.
The memory suddenly comes back like a tidal wave when she returns from the burial and almost throws the conical Kage's hat into a corner of her huge office. The long mantle follows suit, crumpling onto the floor. The gesture is not one of relief since she knows Shizune will pick it up before the creases will set into the cloth.
The Yondaime Hokage looks down on her, his face a serious mask, his blue eyes piercing. He's not smiling on the picture but Tsunade suddenly remembers occasions on which she has seen him do so.
Regret is a shadow that follows her through life persistently.
Namikaze Minato is young, too young to be a Kage, and she tells him so when she meets him in a tiny town at the border of Hi no Kuni. He's on a mission and she's on the run and merciless coincidence (or gloating fate) has brought them together here, in the farthest corner of their world. Tsunade does not ask for news from the place she doesn't refer to as home anymore. But after some time she's too drunk to effectively stop him from spilling tiny and insignificant news. They dribble from his lips, drop to the floor one after another like poison. He's subtle enough, so she doesn't notice in her inebriated state, at least not at first. But he's direct enough, too, so she feels his intention after she has realized what he is doing. One by one they reach her, like rippling waves created by a falling stone reach the shore of a pond.
Jiraiya has taught him well.
Tsunade can see the tiny hints of her former best friend behind his student's features and it hurts too much to look at him. She stares at the swirling liquid in her glass instead and pretends not to listen even though she is greedily sucking up the little kindnesses he offers. Jiraiya has dumped the Council when they ordered him to come to see them to bring her back. Yuuhi Kurenai trapped Sarutobi Asuma in the jounin finals with her genjutsu and he kissed her in return and won. Shiranui Genma and Gekkou Hayate beat up five Rain nin in a bar brawl after they had insulted the Hokage. Tsuchi Yoshino had married the shadow wielder, Nara Shikaku. Tsume Inuzuka has given birth to a little girl who had already chosen – no, not only one but three - Inuzuka dogs as her companions. The winter rains have flooded the training grounds and Gai almost drowned, then he swore to learn swimming in one week. The cherry trees are blossoming.
The little things are what make Tsunade miss Hidden Leaf most on days. Minato has spotted her weakness and jabs at it mercilessly. Tsunade lets him talk and doesn't say a word until the alcohol mercifully switches off what little rest of her brain is still functioning.
She wakes up with a brass band in her head and just wants to die. Shizune nurses her back to health and when she is clear enough to realize she has only slept one night she also finds herself eye to eye with Minato again.
He doesn't say a word.
His blue eyes catch her gaze and make her drown. Whatever she tells herself on her aimless travels through the world – this village is her home. It has taken away her life and her love and her time, has broken her soul and trampled on everything she held dear. But it's her home. His eyes ask the question she dreads and she shakes her head after a long, dreadful pause.
No. Not yet. Please don't make me.
He understands, somehow, and nods. And a smile curves around his lips.
Tsunade watches him leave. And as the pain grows too much to bear she grabs her pack and makes sure Shizune is there (she has an obligation to the kid, after all) and leaves in flying haste. It's this smile that makes her feel like crying. It's the smile of a person who knows what it's like to fall apart on the inside. It's bright and cheerful and reassuring and terribly painful.
Jiraiya smiles like this. He taught Minato, obviously.
Waiting for something to happen is the worst thing a fighter experiences.
She still feels raw and bloody from Jiraiya's loss but she has to function. He would have wanted it. And even though she'll never be able to tell him how much he has come to mean to her again those last months they have seen each other, while she was Hokage and he was her subordinate, she knows he didn't die hating her. Or cursing her. And life goes on and once again a war is looming. Tsunade is a medic nin. She has been drilled and trained to heal, not to kill, but she is the last person who would argue that medics have no place on a battle field. She has seen enough combat situations to know any medic trapped in one would do everything to protect his squad members – even fight – and even though the medic often is the one most endangered on a mission she knows not a single medical nin who would refuse to be placed in combat squads.
Life is a game-master who does not value lives.
The night is dark as she stands on the roof of the Hokage's office – her office – and watches the stars. The night sky is clearly visible. She knows someone is approaching without needing to turn. Silvery hair shines in the light of the moon, a pale piece of skin is bared to sun's sister. Hatake Kakashi moves like a shadow, lethal and taught and beautiful as a sword. He's the image of his father but the looseness in his stature suggests that father and son have few in common except for the outer appearance, some distractingly complex sentiments on loyalty and teamwork and an immensely high placement in various Bingo Books.
Kakashi doesn't say anything so Tsunade keeps quiet. In this dark, silent virgil they both wait for the day to begin. The night is quiet and calm and the storm is brewing, both can feel it. Nothing is heard except for the forest's breathing. The scar on her shoulder aches and she rubs it distractedly. Yes, something is coming. When the day begins with a soft, golden shimmer and the first birds start singing only to fall quiet at the unusual presence in their forest, Kakashi nods at her and prepares to leave.
Tsunade grabs his arm.
"Promise me you'll do everything to protect Konoha when I die today."
If I die is useless. She'll die, she can feel it. Kakashi looks at her, his face hidden underneath his mask. His eyes ask the question his lips won't form.
Why me?
Tsunade cannot tell him the reason: that she chooses him because Minato has chosen him, who, in turn, had been chosen by Jiraiya. In a strange way she feels linked to the silver-haired man. He's so much younger than her but then, Minato wasn't much older when he became Hokage. So why not Kakashi, too? At least she would be sure he would do everything possible to stop this madness called war.
"Because."
For a few seconds, Kakashi looks at her and she wonders if he thinks she's losing her mind. Then, he smiles.
"I promise."
His face is hidden behind his mask but she sees it nevertheless. The painful, heartbreakingly sad smile plays around his lips. The forced, easy smile she hates hates hateshateshates so much. She hasn't given him a reason and he hasn't given her a fact. But she feels better for her village.
She cries on the inside because Kakashi smiles on the outside.
Jiraiya, Minato and Kakashi.
Naruto joins the enumeration. In a way, everything comes down to him.
What irks her is the fact that Jiraiya, Minato and Kakashi were grown men when they learned to smile in a way that made her heart break over and over again. Naruto is only a child and the fact that he has already learned to smile like that speaks volumes.
Tsunade doesn't know what to do.
He's twelve years old and he yells at her that he'll beat her. He even manages half a Rasengan and she stops their little match before he can hurt himself seriously. She is impressed, yes, and fascinated by this boy that obviously looks like Minato but has all the shy tomboyishness she knows from Jiraiya and the sad acceptance of fate she has detected in Kakashi. He's all three of them in one and she doesn't know how to react.
The smile is the worst.
She cannot look at him without seeing his shattered body or his broken eyes. A part of him has already died, despite his young age, and she has watched Jiraiya often enough to know Naruto won't ever be a child again, either.
But then, Naruto never really was a normal child. Of course. Otherwise he would never have managed to acquire it.
Tsunade returns to Konoha with Jiraiya and takes up the post as Godaime Hokage. She manages the towns' shinobi and gives out missions and gets drunk in her office late at night, whenever she thinks of the fact that she just might have sentenced a team of Genin to death by sending them onto a B-rank mission. She has nightmares and headaches and curses Jiraiya a thousand times a day for having forced her into doing this. She curses Minato for being so like Jiraiya, Kakashi for being so like Minato and Naruto for being so like all of them and yet she can't let go. She holds on to the fragile threads until truth becomes a dream and sanity an illusion. Their smile haunts her in her dreams and she wakes up and feels wetness on her cheeks.
She dreams of a Jiraiya who smiles at her warmly, the love which was there in their youth shining in his eyes. Minato waves at her, holding the hand of a petite kunoichi with flaming red hair. Kakashi appears relaxed and happy. It's foolish to cry when she knows she cannot change anything but Tsunade feels strangely relieved. Now that she has discovered the secret behind their smile she realizes she probably smiles the same way.
But while she knows Jiraiya, Minato and Kakashi get along without her help, she fears for Naruto. He's too young to be broken like she is, thoroughly broken, smiling to hide his pain and loneliness.
It might be a fool's wish. But she wishes for his happiness.