Author: Raven Shadowrose
Title: Saying Goodbye
Rating: K
Pairing: None
Summary: Cyd knows about Dixie's feelings and decides that she has to leave. This is a short prequel to my longer fic, Moving On
Disclaimer: I do not know or own any of the characters from Casualty, any original characters and the story are my property and I do not give permission for them to be used or reproduced.
A/N: The words in italics are Dixie's thoughts.
Dixie was angry, hurt and upset, her supposed best friend had let her find out from someone else that she was leaving. The word betrayed came to mind, that was exactly how she felt, she wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure what. She wasn't used to begging or pleading for anything that she wanted, what she wanted now was for Cyd to stay. Dixie sighed quietly, everything was going wrong, it wasn't meant to be like this. She wished for probably the hundreth time that day that she had kept her mouth shut, that she hadn't told Cyd how she felt. She shook her head, she still had to pack and sort her things out as she was due to leave the hospital soon. Dixie picked the cards up off the cabinet and put them into her bag. Cyd was hovering nearby, Dixie was trying her best to ignore the younger woman, she was too angry with her right now.
'Here let me.' How could you do this to me? You're supposed to be my best friend, doesn't that count for anything? How could you let me find out from someone else, don't you think that I deserve better than that after all the years we've been friends? 'No... I can manage.' I don't want you to help me, I want you to stay. 'Do you want to get something to eat on the way home?' No, I don't want that either, what I want is a time machine, something that will give me the means to go back and change everything that I said when I foolishly told you how I felt. 'No ta.'
'It's just a silly transfer Dixie, it doesn't change anything.' Doesn't it? Everything is already different, you've already gone behind my back and betrayed me. Are you just trying to make yourself feel better about what it is that you're about to do? Are you going to pretend that we'll speak on the phone and you'll come here to visit? I know how this ends, we won't see each other again after this day. 'So, where are you transferring to?' Maybe it won't be that far, maybe everything will be all right, maybe, just this once, life will prove me wrong. 'To Celbridge.' Ireland... not only are you running, but you're running as far away as you can possibly get from me. I get the hint, you can't even be near me, can you Cyd? I laugh in disbelief, you're wrong, this changes everything. 'How can that not change anything, we'll never see each other.' Cyd looks down, she looks guilty, as well she should. There was a time when she would have talked this through with me, there was a time when we shared everything; our hopes, our fears and our dreams. I picked up the bottle of champagne and the cups off the little table and put them in the bin, mainly because I don't know what else to do with myself. 'Everything we've been through and you make a decision like this on your own.' Has what I said changed our friendship that much? Do I mean so little to you? Can't we get past this?
'We're not making each other happy any more Dixie.' Maybe not, if our friendship was that secure then we could get through this, we could talk it out and work on a way to stay friends. 'Aren't we? You speak for yourself.' I'm trying my best not to get angry but it is so very hard. I don't know what else to say, words fail me now. I am finding it hard to keep my composure. 'You are my best friend.' Then don't go. I laugh again, mainly because I don't know what else to do. 'But you need something more than that Dix, and I can't give it to you.' I look at Cyd properly for the first time since this conversation started, I know that my eyes give away how I'm feeling, but she doesn't even seem to notice, so intent is she on talking. 'It's just all got too intense.' I blink back the tears that are threatening to spill down my cheeks, I can't cry, not now. I did this, I opened my mouth and now she's leaving me. 'I've got to go.' No, you don't, please don't go, don't go and leave me here. I know you don't love me, but I will deal with that, please, I can't lose another person. 'It's the best thing for both of us.' Is it? How? I can't see how it could be the best thing for me, what will I do after you're gone? Move on, find somebody else? 'Please Dixie... please don't be like this.' Like what? Hurt, upset, angry, betrayed, lost, all of them? Please don't cry Cyd, if you cry then I will too, if you're going to go then at least leave me with my dignity; don't take that from me too, don't make me cry in front of you. 'I know you understand really.' I understand, you hate me, you can't wait to get away, why are you still here? Are you looking for forgiveness, because I can't grant you that. 'Oh come here.' I just stand there as Cyd hugs me, her arms around my neck, I try to ignore the urge to hug her, but it gets the better of me and I hug her back, this is the last time I will ever get to hug my best friend, the last time I will ever see her.
Dixie lay on the hospital bed, the tears that she had previously held back were now pouring down her cheeks. She didn't even look up as the door opened and someone walked in. 'Princess?'
'Leave me alone.'
'What has she done to you Dixie?' I don't know, I can't feel a thing, I am numb. 'Dixie, you can't stay here princess, come on sweetheart, let me take you home.' Home? It is just a house, an empty house that I will go to and be alone, is this my life now? 'What's all this on the floor?' Jeff sounded confused, there were lots of tiny little pieces of paper littered on the floor in front of Dixie's bed. I don't feel like speaking, it hurts to speak and to breathe. The little pieces of paper are all that remains of the get well soon card that Cyd bought me, I felt the need to destroy it. Her words were all lies. Dixie stood up, she put on her coat and picked up her bag, she didn't want to stay here, couldn't stay here. It felt as if the room was pressing in on her. She was barely aware of Jeff following her out of the hospital, whatever happened now, nothing would ever be the same. I don't want to feel anything for anyone ever again, my feelings get me into trouble and they drive away the people that I love the most. I am hollow, cold, broken-hearted. I climb into the car and tune out Jeff's voice with one thought: I will never love again.