Faker By Christina Mayer

I'm so tired of this. Why do I do this? Every night is the same. Go out, get drunk, smile, laugh and pretend everything is okay. I wish everything was. But it isn't not, not since Howard left. Howard was the only one I could feel normal with, I could be me. But I was such an idoit, I pretended he was nothing to me, I pretended I didn't need him. And thats what I thought, I really did. After all I had my looks, my hair, my crowd and my reputation. What else did I need? Howard Moon...

He left because of the way I had changed. He said that once the Boosh band became famous, I became unbearable, that I got one hint of fame and my ego inflated to the size of my wardrobe. I didn't notice that I was changing. I thought it was him who was changing, not me. Sure I had to fake who I was to fit in with the rest of my crowd. It was nothing new, I had always done that. I mean if anyone knew the real me I would be chucked out of Camden, my reputation would be destroyed. Even when I worked at the Zooniverse I had trouble fitting in. I mean the uniform, thank god Fossil didn't notice that I customised it. It looked even better after I had. But after Howard and I left the Zooniverse It got worse I had to wear the right clothes, I had to build up a reputation. I mean you had to have a reputation to get somewhere in this world. So this was when I faked even more. Only Howard knew the real me.

As time went on and on the Boosh band had finally got famous, in the end it was the crimp off which got the ball rolling for us. After that everyone wanted to know us, Cheekbone kept ringing us every three hours for a new interview. I even was asked to be a Captain on Never Mind The Buzzcocks, it was electric. Howard got asked to go on QI and Jazz Request Live, but after he went on the programs he would always come back infuriated, saying all they talked about was me and the style that I had chosen for the band. At the time I was so happy everyone wanted to know me. Even Mick Jagger and Gary Numan wanted me to sing with them. I was caught up in it all. I didn't realise what I was actually losing. I tried to bring Howard up into the fame with me but the more I tried the more he wanted to shrink back into the shadows.

After we performed at the o2 arena he told me he was leaving. Leaving The Boosh, leaving the Nabootique, leaving me. I was so shocked the only thing I thought I could have done wrong was changing his play for the better. Surely that wasn't that bad? I mean everyone loved it, after all who would have wanted to know about the dangers of Global Warming when they could know about the amazing features of Jean Claude Jaquette?

When he told me he was leaving I just laughed and told him he would never make it without me, I said he needed me. But it was more the other way round. I needed him, I still do. Then he just turned away saying he will be at the Nabootique packing if I wanted to say goodbye. But I just went to the after party hoping that he would turn up.

By the time I got home Howard had left, there was nothing left of his in our room on one note on my bed.

Vince, I'm not going to say sorry for leaving.

I know this was the right thing to do,

for me a least.

I don't fit in, not in your world anymore.

Maybe we will meet again,

when you remember who you are.

I guessing you want to know why I have left,

well, you just need to look in the mirror.

Vince, you have changed more than

I could have ever predicted.

Your ego has become bigger than your wardrobe!

Why do you pretend?

Every night when you go out?

Why do you fake who you are?

Just so some sad acts like you.

Come on little man, you're better than that.

I guess you will just forget me,

After all I was just someone to rely on.

The world didn't properly know who I was.

They don't even know you.

But I do, So please Vince,

Don't lose yourself.

Don't be a faker for the rest of your life.

It's not the Vince I knew and loved.

Yours faithfully,

Howard T.J Moon.

And just like that he was gone. My best friend, and my lover. I never told him, but I should have done. Why did I laugh when he told me in the Tundra? Why did I move on so fast at his birthday. I should have fought for him. But I just let him go. Do you know that song "What hurts the most"? Not the new dance one, the original, I can really relate to that right now.

I'm still performing, still singing. But only songs that say exactly how I feel. There's one song that used to be to a rap. But I changed it into a song. Only the chorus needs to be sung by Howard, it's the message I need to hear from him. Do you know the song "When I'm Gone". It's my story, I get famous but I lose the one I love. I'm hoping like the guy in the song I get a second chance. I feel like I'm the guy singing and Howard is his daughter who he is neglecting. It's my fault. I need to hear his voice, his voice singing:

They say being a faker is an illness, it's true. It's worse for me now, I'm getting weaker and weaker. Being a faker is killing me. Howard, if you read this please understand, I love you. I should have said this a million times. Oh Howard, I'm so tired, I can't pretend anymore. I hope you find this in time, before it's too late. You said you would never say sorry for leaving, I understand that. You did right for yourself. So I want to say I'm sorry for making you leave. I have been an idoit and I know you will never forgive me.

So this is the truth of the great Vince Noir Rock N Roll Star,

I'm a faker and a hater,

Never ever trust me.

I'm a faker and a hater.

Forget who I am.