TITLE: the fragile
STARRING: Hellion/X-23
UNIVERSE: 616
RATING: M
SUMMARY: An ongoing fiction story that follows Laura (X-23) and Julian (Hellion) through current comic and original events. 616. This will run like my own private comic (somewhat similar to the Helix series, but 616).
TITLE NOTE: Named after Nine Inch Nail's 'the fragile'. Worth a listen.
1- Chapter 1.
Laura looks at the ground. She's trying to gather herself enough to say what she's thinking, trying to catch the thoughts that flit through her head like rays of light, but it's very hard. She's spent a long time thinking of this, trying to piece it all together.
She isn't good with these kinds of things. Laura is good at the practical. Math; calculus and trigonometry, she does well at. Science; chemistry, biology, and physics, she can explain almost any reaction as if she is a textbook. English; her compositions return with no red marks, and nothing but positive feedback. Her combat is flawless; she can easily outperform most X-men, even some of the core members. Most of them, actually. Including Wolverine. She is a smoothly oiled killing machine.
But therein lies the problem. Laura is a machine, or so she feels like. Human notions, concepts, lie just beyond her grasp. She is detached; other people call her cold, strange, a psychopath. Killer.
They repeat it until it's true. Laura has never been so aware of her inadequacies. Her human contacts before had been her mother. Her Aunt Debbie and her cousin Megan. They had loved her, and had accepted her, and helped to her understand the world beyond her reach. But they were all gone now, and Laura is trying to figure out things for herself.
It's hard. Her eyebrows draw together.
"Hey," Julian says to her, after a few moments have passed by.
"Hey," Laura answers, in a small voice. She clenches her fingers in her pockets. She's not certain what she should say; every little action she makes is scrutinized by the other children. It was easier to be on Cyclops's team of killers; no one had paid attention to her there.
In the past, Julian has almost led this affront against her, with a vindictive glee. He loves to highlight how inadequate a human being she is. He can be cruel, and quite obnoxious around her, and he's made her burn with unexplainable but violent emotions before. Pure sensations that range from negative to pleasant, and in-between. There have been times that Laura has felt disgusted and ashamed at herself, for mixed emotions. She's cried over his words, at the same time as feeling excited that he's singled her out for them.
"Haven't seen you around lately," he says, smirking a bit. "Not the same, you know, when you're not getting me in trouble and stuff. Or, like, kicking my ass."
Laura says nothing. What is there to say? She's avoided him, lately. She's been too busy killing to keep him and the others safe, all the while sinking deeper and deeper into her pit of hell, or what the others call hell. To Laura, it's the cage. Her facility cell. The place she returns to in her dreams. It was hot there.
She's avoided him because, lately, she's reinforced how inadequate a human being she is.
Julian studies her. A few moments pass; suddenly he reaches out. "Here, let me get—" he freezes, suddenly aware of the fact that he doesn't have a hand. "Damn…I'm…I'm sorry. I forgot I don't have…I forgot." He falls silent, suddenly looks a bit lost; he tilts his face down. "Listen, maybe now isn't—"
"I have missed you," Laura blurts. She realizes she has, and also why she's said it. This is the first time she's seen him feel inadequate, realizing he's not whole. Perhaps it's given them something in common.
He looks at her again, surprised. "You've never said that to me before," Julian says, brushing away a leaf with his mind. The energy is warm, and Laura blinks.
"You know I am not good with words," she says. She hesitates. "Or anything else."
Julian shifts, and his cheeks flush slightly. He seems embarrassed. "That's not true."
"That's what you said," Laura states, clenching her fists in her pockets.
"I didn't—" he crosses his arms, or what's left of them. "I was a stupid kid, okay?"
"It was only a few months ago," Laura says.
Julian looks down. "Yeah, but…"
They are both silent for a few moments. Then he speaks again.
"Look, I said some things to you that I probably shouldn't have. The truth is…well, you're intimidating, Laura. I was afraid of you."
She tilts her head. This fits; fear had always been a part of his scent.
"But…I've had some pretty heavy stuff happen to me in the past few months," Julian says. He swallows, reaches up and rubs a stump against his neck. Laura can almost see the phantom of his hand, of his fingers against his skin.
"You—I heard what you did for me," he says. "With Deathstrike."
Laura watches him, not certain what he is trying to say.
"And the Leper Queen," he says. "Dazzler told me."
Laura's eyes snap open. "She had to die," she says. Is he going to reprimand her? She inhales; she doesn't smell anger. Only herself, and Julian, and the scent of Summer turning to Autumn.
"I know." Julian hesitates. "She told me you were talking about me…before the soldiers took you away for questioning."
Laura remembers. Being carried away like a roast pig, the room distorted, then coming into sharp focus on sight of Kimura's face. On the buzzsaw. She closes her eyes. She doesn't want to think about that right now.
"And you came sat with me, when…" he looks down at his missing hands.
"Was that not right?" Laura asks, suspicious. Julian does not talk to her like this, not without making a point, and usually the point is that she's doing something wrong, that she's not acting normal. That she's 'creeping him out and to please keep (your) distance, clone'.
"It was…I'm trying to say thank you," he says, almost sounding a little annoyed. Then he catches her eyes, and watches her, his lips parted like he wants to say something more, but he's stopping himself. She doesn't know if the something more is negative, a reprimand, or an encouragement, to keep doing what she's doing. And she's not sure what that is. She shifts slightly, hands clenching in her pockets. She feels that ache, the yearning that she doesn't know how to satisfy, as she watches him.
"You are welcome," she says. She hopes this was the right response.
He smiles slightly, hesitates, then speaks again. "I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not really afraid of you anymore. I'm more likely to get killed by someone else."
"Oh." Laura pauses. "I would never…" She feels the familiar edge of hurt that only Julian can bring about, like he's cut her with a hot knife, across the face. It's strange, because what he's said isn't illogical. He's not lying. It was a concern; it still is a concern.
Her fists clench in her pockets, and she lowers her gaze quickly. She needs to hold in her rage, her sadness, her frustration, until she is alone and can safely express it.
"I didn't—" Julian sounds concerned. Like a few minutes ago, when he'd almost touched her with the stump of his arm, and had thought she'd be repulsed.
"It's fine," Laura says. She turns away. "I will see you later." This is an acceptable notification of her decision to leave; she has learned that by using a few choice words to announce her arrival and departure, she has made people feel slight easier about her presence.
For a moment, he doesn't react, and she walks away, towards the path. Then he runs after her, and touches her arm with his.
"No, wait," Julian says. "Please…that came out wrong."
Laura glances at his arm. "No it did not. Excuse me."
"I'm sorry," he says miserably. "That's how I felt. I did say I don't feel that way now!"
"Then how do you feel?" Laura asks, looking at him.
Silence, from both parties. She almost does not believe that she has spoken this thought aloud, except that Julian's expression—when she risks a glimpse—confirms that she has. It's a big question. Unfair. Laura would not like this question asked of her, nor would she be able to answer it. She knows the internal chaos inside of her are emotions, and that other people have them. She doesn't know how others deal with them, nor does she usually care to hear about them. They are impractical, and a waste of time; she sometimes wishes she could go back to when they were carefully repressed within her, and a mere cutting session would alleviate them. She doesn't have Kimura to help her with inflicting pain now.
Despite all of her attitude towards emotions, Laura realizes she is glad she asked the question. She is interested, in what he thinks when he looks at her. Why does he sometimes treat her so badly? Why would he focus on her if she was someone he disliked?
"I don't know," he says finally. He moves closer, two and a half inches. He hesitates. "You've got to admit, there's something between us."
Something between us. Laura stiffens; yes, this is an apt description. It describes the emotional chaos he causes, and perhaps his own mixed feelings towards her. And it covers the physical reactions. It's the sort of electrical sensation she feels when Julian is near. Her hair stands on end, her spine tingles in various areas. Her stomach drops spontaneously, over random things. His voice cracking, him grinning. An accidental touch. Trivial matters that she is amazed that they can demand so much attention from her.
"Perhaps," she says cautiously.
"Do you like me?" he asks.
Laura is about to answer when loud applause breaks the silence. "I smell an OSCAR!" Rockslide roars.
She blinks. She had not been paying attention to their surroundings, and now several of the other X-children have approached. The ones that currently spend their free time tormenting her, and have taken over Julian's former occupation of pointing out her inadequacies.
"She's definitely giving some kind of performance," Nori says. "You'd better watch yourself with her, Julian. She can't be trusted."
"Thanks for the advice," Julian says. "Although I didn't ask you."
"I thought the X-men didn't kill," Nori says coolly to Laura, looking her in the eye. The latter tilts her head; there is more going on than is readily apparent. She suspects it has something to do with the boy; Nori's body language does not contain fear. It's aggressive, dominant, trying to scare Laura off.
"The X-men don't." Laura says this truthfully. "I was not an X-man."
"She was on that cool black-ops force," Rockslide says.
Nori snaps her head around. "Santo!"
"Sorry," he says. "I mean…yeah! What the hell, X!"
"Santo!" Julian says, glaring. "When the hell did you start following her?
"She feeds me, dude," Rockslide says. "I'm impartial. Unless pizza's involved. And guess who organized that delivery last night?"
Nori raises her eyebrows. "This isn't about following, Julian. This is about how Laura isn't safe to have walking around the island like this. Do we let serial killers walk free?" She steps, a bit closer to Julian, who glares at her angrily.
"We're in a war, Surge," Julian says. "In war, people get killed. There are soldiers, to defend those who can't. Grow up."
"She's not a soldier," Nori argues. "She's a psychopath."
Laura can see that Nori is not going to change her mind, and more importantly, is not going to leave.
"I will see you later," she tells Julian, who nods slightly, his eyebrows drawn together. He looks upset.
…
Laura gazes across the water, thinking about what has happened in the past few days. She feels more ostracized than ever; the children's hostility has continued, to the point that she cannot use a public center without being verbally tormented. In the corner of her mind, she imagines silencing them all, in about forty-five seconds.
"What you doing out here, Laura?" a woman's voice asks. Rogue.
"Nothing." The girl looks straight down into the water.
The older woman leans on the railing with her, and smiles. "Yah should head down to th' beach, sugah. Be with th' other kids. It'll do yah good for a change."
"I do not like being with the 'other kids," Laura says, closing her eyes. "They make comments."
Rogue frowns. "About?"
"My involvement with X-force," Laura says.
"They're jealous," Rogue says, smiling. "You don't honestly think there's one amongst them that don't wish Cyke had picked them?" She pauses. "While ah don't agree with his methods…that ain't yoah fault, Laura. You did as yah were told."
"That's what they…remark on," Laura says. "'Mindless obedience', they call it."
"Sugah, you did exactly right. Cyke is our leader. Right now, we're all just chess pieces in a giant game o' chess...and you did yoah part, Laura. It don't matter what you done to do it…if Cyke told yah to do it, then yah done good." She puts her hand on the girl's shoulder. "Laura…ah don't mean to pry…but ah saw you…before. When ah touched you, for your healin' factor. And ah want to tell you what a long way you've come."
Laura looks at her, eyes luminous. Something about her manner reminds her of Sarah. Perhaps it's the fact that Rogue can see where she's come from—see, when no one else can or will—and still says that.
"Yoah mother…she'd be proud, damn proud, to see you now," Rogue affirms.
"My mother…my mother is dead." Laura looks down. "I killed her," she says, more quietly.
"No…Rice did," Rogue says. "You know that."
"It was still my claws." Laura looks out across the water. "I could have held my breath…"
"Don't be ridiculous, sugah." Rogue smiles again. "Yoah too smart for that." She straightens from the rail. "Anytime you want…come and talk to me, Laura. Even if ah'm sleepin' an' you have to wake me up. Ah like you. You remind me of mahself…when ah was yoah age."
Laura considers Rogue's words. After the older woman has gone back inside, Laura ventures down to the beach, where a bonfire is lit, and the other X-kids are sitting, on various surfaces: sand, logs of driftwood, and grassy areas. She sits down on a patch of grass, and tries to feel like she's part of these children, part of this beach, an integral part of the world that it won't function without.
It's very hard, and the pieces don't fit. She gets to her feet and heads up the beach again; on top of the hill, she sees Julian and Nori heading down, towards her, carrying beer obtained through some means probably involving Pixie and some less scrupulous adult on the ship. Rather, Nori is carrying, and Julian is floating an array behind himself.
They don't see her. Laura steps behind a tree, to watch.
"You're stronger than I remembered, Keller," Nori says.
"It's booze, and I'm transporting it. Of course I can carry alot."
"HAH!" Nori makes a noise of amusement. "I like your style."
"I like my style too."
Nori hesitates, and stops, putting the bottles down. "Keller…I need to talk to you about something."
Laura is suddenly completely alert.
"Yeah?" Julian stops too, the assortment of alcohol coming to a rest on the dusty path through the grass.
"I think you know what it is." Nori looks down.
"Oh." Julian seems uncertain. "Um, look…Ashida…"
Laura grips the tree bark. Nori is doing it again; touching what she instinctively considers to be her property. Julian isn't resisting it; he looks startled, and uncertain. The initial wave of rage passes, and Laura can see them with clear eyes. She lets go of the tree bark, feeling dull; a moment later she steps back onto the path and heads up. The two start at the sound of footsteps and break apart.
"Oh—" Julian says, his eyes widening. "Laura—"
She kneels, picks up a bottle that says 'Jack Daniels' on it, then continues up the hill, walking very fast and not speaking.
"Fuck, Surge," Julian says angrily.
"Excuse me?" Nori demands. "You're the one that messed it up! You don't start chasing another girl while you're making out with one already!"
"We weren't making out!" Julian snaps. "You made a pass at me and I was too stupid to push you away. God damn it…" he picks up two bottles with his mind and heads back up the hill.
"KELLER! DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE, YOU LITTLE TURD! COME BACK! THE BOOZE!" Nori yells.
…
Laura sits in a tree, watching the tide come in on the shore while contemplating life and taking pulls off the whiskey flask. It's very strong going down, but somehow this strength is reassuring, when she feels like she's had all the strength sucked out of her. Surprisingly, the murderous rage has not come, at what she has seen. She'd expected to lose control of herself, to demolish trees, rocks, earth, yell and scream in no human tongue until she scared off even the birds, and would be truly alone.
Instead she's in a state of apathy. She just wants to focus on now, on existing. If she concentrates very hard, she might achieve it, and finally be a real girl. Like her mother promised she would one day be. So far, this hasn't happened, and Laura is starting to believe that it never will.
"LAAUURRRAAA! Where are you?" Julian's voice, echoing in the clearing. Laura takes an especially big swallow of whiskey. Her eyes smart, and tear up.
After about five minutes he finds her tree, and leans on the trunk, looking up. There are two bottles floating behind him. "Can I come up?" he asks. It's a tall tree; the branch Laura is on measures about ten feet from the ground.
Laura doesn't answer.
He floats up to the branch and perches beside her, eying her warily. "Can we talk?" he asks.
"About?" Laura asks, her pronunciation clipped.
"Well…what you saw."
"What did I see?" Laura takes another sip of whiskey. The bottle is halfway gone, and she feels a warm buzz, a pleasant sensation up and down her fingers and toes.
"Well…" Julian looks down. "Laura, I don't like Nori."
"Okay."
"I really don't."
"Okay." Laura considers. "I do not like Nori, either."
Julian hesitates, then reaches across the branch and touches Laura's shoulder with the end of his arm. "I didn't start it," he says. "For a second…I thought…what if she's the only one who…I mean I thought you…didn't."
Laura remains still; a few moments later his arm slips around her a little more, so he is holding her. "I'm stupid," he mumbles. Since they'd spoke a few nights ago, he'd begun to think that Laura didn't return his feelings anymore. Of course he'd known she liked him before; how could he not, when she followed him around like a puppy. He'd made himself out to hate it, since it was weird, and she was creepy and scared everyone; but at the same time, he'd secretly reveled in the glow of being stalked, her recognition that he was clearly the alpha male and worthy of such behavior. Of course he'd ignored this. It was unhealthy, he had decided. He'd reacted to his conflicted emotions by being even more obnoxious when she was around, and at times this was a bid for her attention.
But in the past few months, she hasn't been around much (at the same time he had begun realizing how much he missed her). She hadn't readily admitted this when he'd tried to suggest they could have something, and when he'd come out and asked her directly, she hadn't answered. They had been interrupted, but he would've thought that if she felt something, and saw a chance for reciprocation, that she would be only too happy. Especially considering how she'd followed him around, during the first few months with the X-kids.
Her face, upon seeing him and Nori today, had made it clear that he was wrong.
"Why?" Laura asks, holding the flask in between both hands.
He takes a breath, stops, then signals for her to let go of the flask. This is going to take courage, liquid courage, because he's trying to break down a barrier he made a long time ago. It's made of iron. He'd promised himself he would never tell Laura about what she did to him. That's why he'd tried to make it about her the other day, to make her admit her feelings first, but she hadn't bought it.
It's up to him now.
She complies, and he proceeds to down about half of what's left in the bottle in one gulp. He coughs, blinks, and shakes his head; then the bottle passes back to her fingertips.
"It's hard to talk about it." He pauses. "Give me a minute."
Laura raises her eyebrows, but says nothing. Silence reigns for about five minutes, interrupted only by Julian asking her to crack open one of the bottles he's brought. "I'm not drunk enough yet. Can you crack this one open for me?" He nudges her with the other bottle, the label of which says Jim Beam, Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey; Laura pops one claw and delicately slices the seal away.
"Always used to be afraid you'd cut my hands off," Julian mumbles. "Oops, did I say that out loud?"
"Yes," Laura says. She watches as he ingests about a quarter of the second bottle, then he waves his arms in the air as he swallows, like he wants to start talking but he has to wait till his mouth is free. She doesn't judge; she's still tingling from the whiskey she's consumed.
About half an hour goes by, in which Julian nearly starts a few times, then drinks more. Laura joins in, and soon they are teetering precariously on the tree branch.
"OKAY," he says suddenly, looking at her. "I'm ready. I think." He wobbles slightly.
"Perhaps we should…get out of the tree," Laura says, seeing this is a potentially painful situation.
"I've got to say this now, while I'm all loaded…and…well, y'know, alive…" Julian lurches sideways, yelps, and Laura tries to catch him. They fall by the tree roots, him on top. "S'okay. I'm fine," Julian says, propping himself up on his elbows. "Jeez! Sorry! Did I…"
Laura doesn't notice the squishing, the bruises already healed. She looks up at him, her mouth dry.
"I like you, a lot," Julian finally admits, in a hoarse whisper, his eyebrows drawn together. "A lot lot. Like…you have no idea. I know it's not the right thing…I don't know why I want you so much. I…I want to get closer to you…and…"
Laura reaches up and touches his face, hesitantly. He doesn't pull back; the skin on his forehead is wrinkled, and soft. Julian closes his eyes and leans his face into her hand, like he's been craving her touch for a long time.
"I'm sorry." He whispers.
Laura runs her palm down his jaw. "For?
"I always wondered…what it'd be like to touch you," he says in a very small voice. "Now I can't. I waited too long."
She doesn't answer. For a long time they lay under the tree, her exploring his features with her hand, like a blind woman; her fingers run down his forehead, over his cheekbones, down his nose and lips to his chin, and back up his jaw.
Suddenly Julian buries his face in her neck and starts shuddering, his shoulders heaving with dry sobs that he hasn't released since he'd lost so much to the Nimrod attack. Since he'd been kidnapped and injected with the Legacy virus. Since he'd nearly died, impaled on Deathstrike's fingers. Since he'd lost most of his friends. He'd forgotten that when he gets drunk, it tends to come out.
She wraps her arms around him, sitting up and pressing her face into his shoulder, her own forehead wrinkled as she thinks about these things. No sound is made, no words are said, but she can feel Julian trembling with a rage and confusion as violent as any she has ever felt. An internal confliction, asking: 'Why me? What have I done wrong?' Laura feels this question almost every day. Her arms bear silvery X-shaped threads, a reminder of how she deals with that question. Julian thumps his arm against the ground, like he wants to punch it, but it doesn't have the same effect.
"God DAMN IT!" Julian says finally, pulling away, his voice hoarse, his face distorted and wet. "No matter how hard I try to keep it together…it all just falls apart in the end!"
Laura watches in silence.
"I don't know how to deal with it anymore," Julian continues. "Fuck, look at me, I'm a fucking cripple. I'm not even a whole human being anymore." His eyes well up again, but he blinks the tears away angrily. "I'm a shell. I spend each day waiting for them to come back and finish what they've started, taking me away, piece by piece." He grits his teeth and breathes in and out.
Laura is no longer afraid of him. She feels less alone, too; seeing the being she'd considered to be the embodiment of perfection reduced to this; it gives her a sense of normalcy, that maybe what she thinks, what she feels isn't so strange. She leans forwards and touches her lips with his; he starts, but doesn't pull away, his attention suddenly shifting from anger to this kiss she's initiated. After a few moments, he leans over and scoops her closer. When they part for air, Laura covers his face in smaller kisses, quickly finding new things she wants to try.
They sit together until it is dark, alternatively trading kisses and watching the sun set as they bask in the effects of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.