This is what happens when you write something at 4am. What is life even.
This is also my first time attempting to write about Fairy Tail so I deeply apologise and will give you cake if I messed up.
Disclaimer: Because Mashima is amazing and I wish I was cool as he was, but I'm not.
It was a really nice evening at Fairy Tail, quiet and peaceful but something seemed off. Natsu couldn't quite put his finger on it but he was soon pulled out of his thoughts thanks to a certain half naked ice mage.
"Yo, Flamebrain, fight me!" Gray stated and Natsu, not one to chicken out of a fight, especially not when said fight contains that stupid stripper.
"You wanna go Popsicle?"
"Fights are manly!" and that's how Elfman got socked in the face.
"Oi dumbasses, even though I would love to kick your asses, don't you notice anything missing?" Gajeel beckoned to the guild hall, which was, for some odd reason, less busy than usual.
Oh.
No wonder the guild seemed so peaceful. The girls' were nowhere to be seen.
"What the hell! It's like a sausage fest in here." Gray said, pointing his fingers towards said sausages, earning himself some glares while Elfman muttered something about sausage fests definitely not being manly.
"Well, where the hell could they be? You don't think they're in trouble?"
And then, since these guys were total idiots and believed that the girls were totally helpless without them ( them being the totally strong, handsome, and manly men Stop laughing Lilly ) started imaging scenarios in which the girls were either kidnapped, knocked out cold or even worse, drunk and vulnerable to preying eyes. No, it was their duty as a man to protect their girls.
"Bunch of idiots." Lilly muttered to himself. Who knew that these guys where totally helpless without the girls? "They're at Erza's."
And then they all but ran out of the guild, leaving a very confused exceed in their mist. "But I wouldn't recommend going there!" he tried to warn, but it was useless, they were long gone now. "Those poor suckers" he chuckled and was a little sad that Happy, Carla and Wendy were on a mission and weren't able to enjoy this with him. Because he was going to enjoy this a lot.
Natsu who was just about to burn the door off suddenly stood still. "What the hell?" he listened more intently now, certain he was just hearing wrong.
"Uhm, Natsu, what-" Gray started, but now he too heard it "Is that.. are they chanting?"
"Screw this, I'm going in" Gajeel said and swung the door open.
"What the fuck?" he regretted it as soon as he said it, because he now had the glares of seven very powerful and very pissed off female mages staring intently into his soul.
Yes, Gajeel was terrified, these woman were fucking crazy. He pushed Salamander and Stripper in front of him and their complaints were soon cut off when they saw what he had seen.
"What the hell are you guys doing here?" Erza asked, her voice scarily low, but the guys paid no attention to her voice, but more to her outfit, all of their outfits.
"Cool robes! So are you girls having a slumber party?" Natsu practically yelled, much to the groans of his companions and the murderous glares of the females.
The guys finally took in the sights. The girls were sitting in a circle around a small fire, eerie music in the background with many a cake surrounding them. Each girl wearing a black robe that reminded Gajeel of a cult, which made these women even more terrifying. But the oddest thing was, they were all holding pictures of the men from the guild and Elfman could swear he could vaguely see his face, now being burnt to a crisp in the fire and silently prayed.
"Uhm.. we were worried when you didn't show up to guild?" Gray hadn't meant for that to be a question but under these glares, he was now questioning everything.
"Gray-Sama was worried about Juvia" the water mage hugged her picture of Gray tightly and then with no remorse, threw it in the fire, causing Gray to yelp.
The other women followed suit and threw their pictures in the fire, and if possible the guys were even more terrified.
Gajeel, not having learnt his lesson, foolishly asked "What the fuck is wrong with you women?" Earning him the rage of Levy McGarden. She was all up in his face, well technically chest since she was so tiny, face red and shaking her fists, yelling something about how men just don't understand and she was terrifying and Gajeel had no idea what to do.
So he turned to leave. Which did not set well with the women. Levy tackled him, much to the wide eyed stares of his friends, who were also tackled by their respected partners, while Erza, Mira and Cana told them not to hold back which made the guys wonder why they were even friends with these girls, because clearly, these girls were evil.
"Tying men up is not manly!" Elfman bellowed, yanking at the ropes holding his hands and feet in place. The guys nodding their heads in agreement.
The truth is, they could easily break free, but then they would have to face the wrath of these women, and they felt safer tied up.
"Then why do you beg me to tie you up whenever we-" Evergreen stopped when she saw the look on everyone's faces. Mira had a look between total happiness and total disgust.
"What is going on here!?" Natsu yelled, because seriously, what the hell.
Lucy stood forward, and the guys held their breath, she was usually nice but when she was angry, she was Erza scary.
"We do this every month, in order to purge the evil out of us." She said completely serious, which confused Natsu even more.
But Gray having some sense started putting two and two together. "You do this every month?"
"Yes"
"To purge the evil out of you?"
"I just said that"
"All at the same time?"
"Just fucking spit it out Stripper!"Gajeel had no patience left.
Gray's eyes widened "Oh my God, are you guys having a period cult?!" The guys looked at the girls completely horrified but when the girls only glared and refused to look them in the eye, Gray knew he was right, and for once, he wished he wasn't right, because, wow.
Erza started to ravage the piece of cake next to her and mumbled what sounded like a 'maybe'.
"But then why are you burning our pictures?" Natsu asked.
"Because guys are the root of all things evil, but booze, now booze is the root of all things good" Cana answered, with no hint of joking, which caused the guys to sweatdrop and then glare.
"It would be unmanly to be evil" Elfman was stopped by Gray who mouthed something about not questioning female logic.
"Don't worry, this is why we use the pictures, so that we don't actually have to sacrifice you" Mira smiled, which made the she-demon even scarier.
"Are you women insane?" Gajeel asked.
"Aren't you just supposed to eat a lot of chocolate and stay in bed crying?" If the girls weren't going to kill Natsu, the guys would.
"But why at the same time?" Elfman asked, saving Natsu "I mean, I thought the cycle of every woman varied so how is it that you're all at the same time?" Which caused everyone to choke. Seeing the reaction, he added. "That's right Ever, I listen, that's what makes me a man."
"If you say man one more time I am going to rip your arms off and feed it to you." Which was not the response from Evergreen he was expecting so he wisely shut up.
"No seriously now, are you girls insane?"
"Gajeel, please don't make them more angry." Gray pleaded.
"Is it because they gained weight?"
And that was it. Natsu had doomed them all.
So after promptly getting their asses kicked (Erza was able to kick multiple asses, whilst holding onto her cake. The woman had skills.) the guys crawled to the door, eyes wide full of terror, and then confusion, and then terror again, because seriously, what the fuck?
The women had starting crying, all seven of them. Like seriously sobbing into each other's arms and then stuffing their faces with cake, still crying.
Which was when the guys decided to get the hell out of there.
The next day the girls all returned, acting like nothing happened, all happy and stuff.
Natsu, Gray, Gajeel and Elfman stared blankly at the seven women sitting a few tables away from them, full of smiles and laughter, and if it weren't for their bruises and scarred minds, they could have believed it had all been a nightmare.
Lilly however, was in tears. "I tried to warn you" he tried to cover his laughter with a cough and failed. "So have you learnt your lesson now?" He asked them.
And before anyone could answer, Natsu said, "Yes, never tell a woman when she gains weight."
He didn't notice the distraught look in his friends' eyes, or the seven women slowly turning their heads to murderously glare at him and starting to get up.
Nastu not only doomed them, he had condemned them to death.
Moral of the story: The women of Fairy Tail are insane and you should never interrupt a period cult.
You know that the woman of Fairy Tail are insane and you know they have period cults, stop lying to yourself.