Prologue
Snow fluttered around the window of an apartment building located close to Harvard University, inside was a busy student studying law for all it was worth. He wasn't there to be a lawyer like most of all the other snob rich kids no, Eric Cartman was there with his eyes on a bigger prize. The 21 year old closed his book with a sigh, turning his attention to the T.V., set to the usual news station there was an anchor speaking with great worry about more strain going on with Russia. Cartman rolled his eyes clicking the damned distraction off. That's all anyone seemed to talk about anymore, was Russia and their supposed 'super' weapons. Idiots the lot of them, if they are all so concerned why not try to do something about it? He hated the world for what it's become, which is precisely why he worked his ass off to get into law school at the most prestigious university in the USA. All to work his way clear to the top, become a dictator of sorts and bring, at least , America out of the hell hole it's fallen into. "Fucking Jews are gonna be the death of this world." he muttered scribbling another reminder into his notebook.
Cartman's attitude never much changed since he was young, he still believed Jews would be the end of society as we knew it, Russia was living proof of that, and generally was still dangerously cunning. But there was no denying his intelligence, so as soon as Harvard offered him a scholarship he high tailed it out of that god forsaken mountain town, South Park, before anyone could miss him. The hefty young man sat back in his chair collecting his straggled thoughts. Cartman never was sure what happened to his lifelong friends. He always assumed, like himself, they got the hell outta there. Kyle, that Jew rat, was probably in a very similar situation right now, working to become a lawyer. Stan, last he knew, enlisted in the military.
Then there was Kenny.
Cartman sat forward running his hands through his hair, the guy was as poor as fuck and probably didn't get the opportunity to escape the hick life. He could still recall the last conversation he had with his former best friend three years ago, before he left for New York.
"Kenny what would you think if I became President?" He asked sitting on the roof of an old barn. The two would retreat there a lot, to just get away from everything. "Dunno." Kenny answered taking a drag on the cigarette he was smoking. "Why ask?"
Cartman leaned back a little, "Just want you to be prepared." was his reply. Kenny snorted a laugh. "It's not funny I'm fucking serious!" he growled not appreciating his friend taking him for granted.
"I getcha dude," He said calming down, "but seriously wow. Good luck getting elected." Cartman sighed giving the blonde a long gaze.
"At least I have a direction for my life." The brunette deadpanned, turning the conversation into something he knew Kenny didn't want to talk about. "What about you? You're eighteen Kenny you have to have some idea about what you want to do with your sorry excuse for a life."
"You don't have to state it like my mom always does." He said sharply, crunching his cancer stick into the light snow on the roof, "Like I give a flying fuck what I do with my life." with that he blew the last bit of smoke out of his mouth. "I don't think I have a chance at this point." Cartman wasn't the type to 'feel' but he couldn't help but feel kinda bad for his best friend.
"Call me," He said standing to leave, "I leave for New York next week, if you ever need anything let me know."
And that was the last time he ever heard from Kenny, the poor boy never did call so maybe he found a way to get on his feet. Cartman wouldn't say he hoped and there was no way he would call to check. That wasn't how he rolled. Feeling tired of pointless reminiscing and his stuffy apartment bedroom, the young man decided to head out into the city for a cup of coffee or something. He pulled on his big coat and wrapped a black scarf around his neck, Cartman wondered if his home here was actually colder then Colorado, Stepping out into the winter breeze made him decide they were equal. Crossing out into the streets there were signs everywhere with warnings that war was coming, and to stay safe. Psh fools. Once he arrived at a nearby Starbucks he ordered a regular coffee nothing fru fru like a fag, and sat in a booth isolated from the rest of the customers who thought it was hip to stand around drinking lattes discussing war, like they had they had a big solution for it.
Cartman ignored them all pulling out one of his books he meant to get the jump on even while on Christmas break. It wasn't until his phone vibrated for the fifth time when he finally tore his attention away form his book muttering a string of curse words before answering. "Hello?" he inquired usually never receiving calls, for he didn't have any friends.
"Hey it's uh me. I guess this is kinda awkward huh?" Came the voice from the other end.
Cartman squinted his eyes thinking he might know who it was but couldn't seem to pin the voice to a face,"Who is this?" He grumbled expecting it to be a wrong number.
"McCormick." They answered
"Kenny?!" Cartman suddenly exclaimed sitting upright from his former slouch, "But why?"
"You said if I ever needed anything to call you remember?" He said in a somewhat taunting tone, like Cartman owed him something.
"Yeah, I'm just surprised is all, it's been years dude." Cartman sighed wondering what the vagabond wanted.
"How are you?" Kenny asked instead, "Like the big apple?"
"I'm wonderful and I love it." Cartman replied with sarcasm, "So what about you? Still a poor fuck I assume since you're calling."
Kenny went silent on the other end. Great did that really offend him?
" You're right." He said, some serious wave of sadness washing over his voice. "My parents both just died in a car accident a few days ago, and the will that was left to me I gave all to Karen to save up for collage. Don't get me wrong it wasn't very much." Cartman raised a brow, from where this was heading he had a hunch as to what the other man was asking for.
"If it's money you want I don't have it right now." He huffed.
"No dude no way, I'm not that trashy." Came his chuckled reply, "It's just Karen's been placed in Kevin's care and she moved into his apartment. Apparently I wasn't invited, and our old house is being demolished since none of us claimed it. I sure as hell didn't have the money to live there." Cartman bit his lip, now he saw where this was going. "you're the only person I had to contact I don't have enough money for a place of my own."
Cartman ground his teeth together really hoping this wasn't happening. "So what are you saying?" He grumbled
"I was hoping I could come out there and stay with you," Kenny sighed, "You offered your help all those years ago, remember?" Cartman tried to cool his mind, it is true that's what he said but this was incredibly last minute.
"Okay Kenny how will you afford the trip here?" He asked now calm enough to try and sort this out.
"I was also kinda hoping you'd help an old friend out there too." Kenny answered taking a shaky breath.
Cartman rubbed his temple, "Fine." He finally said, "I'll send you my address via text, I don't want some creeper eavesdropper hearing in on that."
"Oh my God thank you so much Eric! I could kiss you!" The blonde cheered from the other end. Cartman cringed hearing his first name being said so freely by his former friend.
"Yeah whatever," He groaned, "Just don't call me Eric ever again."
"Okay, see ya there!" And before Cartman could say another word, Kenny hung up. The brunette laced his fingers in contemplation, he quickly sent the text to his associate containing information about his address, and that he was going to send a fixed amount of money for the plane trip. Kenny texed him back immediately with an overwhelming amount of thank you's. Cartman rolled his eyes preparing to leave for the closest bank and post office.
It had been three days when Kenny texted him again saying he received the money and how fast that was. Cartman had paid extra in shipping, but he decided not to tell his associate. Kenny's next text contained the words; I'm on my way to Denver now! See you at 5! Gotta go! Cartman felt a smile play on his lips. Kenny was actually going to do this, he had no idea why but the whole thing felt kinda ironic to him. He decided to make his apartment a little more presentable by shoving some stray clothes into drawers and stacking his books on a shelf rather than have them lie around on anything that resembled a table top.
It was exactly 5:10 P.M. when he heard a pounding on his door. Cartman already knew who it was. "Fashionably late I see." He muttered under his breath as he went to answer the knock. The incessant door thrashing continued with a yell from the other side about how 'is anyone home'. "I'm coming Goddamnit!" Cartman yelled over the pounding, once the door clicked open he wasn't in much surprise. Kenny was just about the same as he's always been, shaggy blonde hair, tall and lanky, with a few notable scars. He was wearing a grungy hoodie with torn up jeans, Cartman wrinkled his nose, his friend reeked of alcohol and cigarette smoke. Yup, same as the eighteen year old he last knew. The only noticeably difference was he was slightly taller now.
"Hi Cartman." He greeted awkwardly shifting his cruddy backpack from one shoulder to the other, "You look...good?" Cartman rolled his eyes.
"Just get your ass in here it's freezing outside." He grumbled, for he was wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and some sweatpants. Kenny clapped his hands in excitement barging past his friend.
"Oh wow nice digs ya got here bro!" He exclaimed exploring the apartment like a curious child. "Guess you were serious about that President thing!" he pointed at a stack of law books Cartman couldn't find a spot for.
"Of course I am!" Cartman barked swatting the others grimy hands away from the expensive books, "Why else would I just fly out to New York!" Kenny stepped back.
"Ok ok, no need to get pissy about it!" he chuckled making a turn into the kitchen, "Got any grub I'm starving!" he yelled through the wall. Cartman face palmed, he didn't remember when Kenny got this loud.
"Of course I have food dickwad!" he yelled back, "And you better not touch one fucking piece of it unless I say so!" He then proceeded to stomp into his kitchen only to be greeted by the strong smell of a cigarette. "Kenny put that thing out!" He coughed waving his hand to clear the air.
"Aw come on we haven't seen each other in YEARS, can't I have just one for now. You never complained when we were teenagers." The blonde whined. Cartman shook his head.
"There's a difference between smoking outdoors and in my fucking house!" He scolded taking a seat opposite of the poor man.
"Grub?" Kenny questioned. And Cartman found it best to cool his head for a second and just get himself and his old friend something to eat. It wasn't anything spectacular once done, just some grilled chicken over rice he had leftover from yesterday. "Wow this smells like heaven!" Kenny beamed taking a forkful into his mouth. Cartman observed the way he ate like he was starved for three years.
"So," Cartman started, "what happened to South Park after I left?" He didn't really care much he was just kinda curious after all these years. Kenny slowed his hoofing to a halt, the McCormick ruffled his matted hair with one hand.
"A bunch of crap really, you didn't miss anything." he looked away his voice dropping to a low tone as he said it. "Stan and Kyle stopped giving a shit about me after so long, they went on to pursue their own lives." Cartman frowned he knew those two would do something like that to Kenny one day. Kenny read the others expression and quickly tried to act like it wasn't that big of a deal, "But hey, what do I care. Not like they matter in the long run." Cartman took another bite of his food.
"What ever happened to that bitch Wendy?" He inquired. Kenny looked at him with wide blue eyes.
"Oh, she went on to medical school and is engaged to Stan now." Came his answer in between bites of food.
"How about Butters?" Cartman asked suddenly. The blonde man's eyes shaded over with a look of dread, it took Cartman off guard for a second. "Well?" He urged ignoring the fact that Kenny all of sudden looked like he wanted to kill him.
"Look I'd rather not talk about him." he stated with an icy tone. "So how about we just end this topic about that piss poor town already." Cartman didn't really get the big deal over this, but choose not to meddle any further. Kenny at this point was raiding through the fridge looking for liquor. "Hey man you got any booze?" he called over his shoulder.
"What did I tell you about touching my stuff!?" Cartman snapped back.
"I just need a drink is all dude!"
"Bottom crisper to the left."
"Thanks."
Kenny returned to the table with a can of beer in hand, he cracked it open and took a huge chug. "So you wanna know what that prick face did to me?" he cackled. Cartman gulped down the rest of his water raising a brow at his new housemate.
"Are you referring to Butters?" The brunette asked. Kenny rolled his eyes as if it were obvious that's who he was referencing.
"Of course! The damn asshole became a manager at the food market and thought that firing me and cheating on me, were incredible ways to show how much he cared!" Kenny growled balling his hands in to fist . Cartman's eyes grew wide with shock he always knew that Kenny had been bi but, Kenny and Butters had become a thing? And Butters was a complete ass about it? Well that certainly was new.
"So you and Butters were little fags together? Oh that's cute." He laughed sarcastically. Kenny pushed his eyes into the palms of his hands.
"Laugh all you want. It's been a whole year since then and I haven't thought of that fag since." Kenny murmured. "So how's your love life been treating you?" The blonde took another huge chug of beer.
"I haven't nor ever had one." Cartman admitted, not really feeling like it meant all that much. He didn't have time for love and feelings. Kenny's upper lip twitched forming a crooked smile.
"Sooooo you're a virgin?" He cackled, Cartman snapped his full attention to the other man when the said 'accusation' was made.
"Fuck no. I had a fling or two awhile back." He grumbled, now agitated. Kenny gave a nod with his beer towards Cartman's protruding stomach.
"Kinda surprised by that, considering you're ugly and fat." The blonde seemingly joked.
"Oh ha ha," Cartman deadpanned, "says the whore." Kenny snorted and took another swig of his liquor, probably being to much of a bastard to reply. Time went on and the two had talked like this for hours, catching up on each others lives. Cartman soon caught the clock on his microwave reading 12:25 A.M. "Hey, it's getting late." He noted. Kenny nodded, clearly tired and intoxicated. "You can sleep on the couch," Cartman said plainly, standing and heading towards his bedroom,"it's the only other place. There should be some blankets and pillows there, for whatever the hell reason." Kenny smiled, and the next thing he said threw the brunette for a loop.
"You're different Cartman." The McCormick slurred, his bloodshot eyes laying on the man in front of him. Cartman stopped in his trek for the bedroom to hear the blonde out. "You seem...What's the word I'm looking for?" He scratched his chin in thought. "Even colder."
"You've had too much to drink," Cartman pointed to the four beer cans emptied at Kenny's feet, "get you're poor ass to sleep." He didn't wait for an answer and headed straight to bed. Maybe he was more distant lately from having zero to no social life, but that was the cost. He didn't care about friendship anymore than he ever did. Still for some reason Kenny's words bored into his mind all night long, causing him to achieve little sleep. By the time morning rolled around he had no will to face it. The alarm was blaring like a siren when the heavy man slammed his hand into whatever button would make it shut up. Knowing he had a long day ahead of himself, Cartman forced himself out of bed. He cursed the morning sun while rubbing his eyes viciously as he slumped his way over to the bathroom.
Once he was sure he was ready to begin another day the brunette met with a startling experience from his, almost forgotten about, housemate. "Morning there bud!" Kenny chirped popping up from behind the older.
"Kenny the fuck?! You startled the shit out of me! And how long have you been in here!?" Cartman snapped.
"Relax, I only just walked in, right when you looked like you were hating life, whilst looking at you're happy morning smile!" Kenny laughed trodding his way to the kitchen. "So what's cooking for breakfast, eggs? Bacon? Both? Oooh I hope both!" Cartman snarled following the seemingly too happy poor man into the kitchen.
"It's neither," grumbled the fatter, "it's cereal." Kenny frowned to the point it looked like his jaw was about to unhinge.
"Weak dude." He sighed, slouching into the same seat he had sat in last night. Cartman followed his example eating his cereal in much content.
"Kenny," Cartman started, "after this, put something half decent on. You're gonna have to come with me." Kenny paused his shoveling, showing piked interest in going out.
"Where to?" He inquired, blue eyes gleaming with excitement.
"City Hall."
Kenny tilted his head to the side in confusion, "Why?" he asked.
"There's a lot you don't know about city living these days, we're required to visit there once a month." Cartman answered, his brown eyes dancing with amusement from how little his 'friend' really did know.
"Why?" Came Kenny's final question.
"You'll see."
The pair arrived approximately at ten o'clock sharp. Outside the building was an abundant crowd of people yammering with worried looks on their faces. Kenny seemed to take notice of the unease in everyone. "What's going on?" He asked looking to his companion for an explanation.
"They call it confirming," Cartman began to explain, but was interrupted by the doors to the hall bursting open, revealing a man in a black suit shouting for the panicked public to from a single file line before entering the building. "You'll see what it means soon enough." The heavy man groaned dragging Kenny by the arm to step in line. Once they finally reached the inside they were directed to one of many desk where an old strict looking man sat.
"I assume you have your O.A.L.C. cards?" He growled his wrinkles distorting with his scowl. Cartman gave Kenny a quick glance before pulling his out for the old man to inspect.
"What's going on?" Kenny whispered into Cartman's ear loudly. The brunette waved him off and gave him a gesture to keep quiet. The man finally pulled out a stamper and pounded the card with it.
"You're good for another thirty one days kid." He grumbled sliding the card back to Cartman, "Now, where's yours?" The man glared directly at Kenny, using a tone of voice that made it seem like the blonde either show a card right now or he'd explode on spot.
"W-well you see-" He started.
"He just moved here the other day, he's going to have to get one." Cartman smoothly covered. The man adjusted his glare from Kenny to Cartman, and then back again a few times before finally swinging his chair around to press some buttons on a screen.
"Proceed to follow one of the officials to one of the procedure rooms." The man snapped whirling back around to face the young men. Kenny opened his mouth to ask further questions, but Cartman pulled him away before he would get them both into trouble.
"Procedure room?" An 'official' asked the two when they went in the direction the old man pointed towards.
"Yes." Cartman answered firmly, already tired with all this security shit.
"Follow me."
Once they were on their way Kenny pulled Cartman a good deal of paces behind the suited man, "Dude, for real. What the fuck is this?" He asked in a hushed tone to be sure the official wouldn't hear him.
"Listen Kenny, let's get through this first then I'll explain to you." The older of the two replied, clearly not wanting to continue the topic any further. Once they reached to door the official stepped aside allowing the two in. "Thanks." Cartman said fakely, for no other reason than face. Obviously the official picked up on it and slammed the door behind them. "Prick."
"Welcome gentlemen, what can I do for you today" A lean man with dark hair asked upon their entrance. Cartman pulled up a seat sitting himself down, he nodded for Kenny to do the same. "So are you here for an O.A.L.C. card? Or is it just a final scan?" He started questioning rather than have them answer his latter greeting.
"Were here for both." Cartman said evil seething his words, as the annoying man adjusted his square glasses. He made Cartman think of a bad con artist. And that was really bugging him at the moment.
"Okay!" The man breathed, "For now you can address me as Mr. Palfrey, I'll be your official procedure guide today." He dug through a file cabinet as he made his introduction. "And how may I refer to you?"
"McCormick."
"Cartman."
"Ah Mr. McCormick and Mr. Cartman! Pleasure's mine!" Mr. Palfrey smirked outreaching his hand for a complete formal greeting. The two both shook his hand reluctantly. "OK, so from what I have here on you, you are here for a final scan?" He asked looking up at Cartman form the document he pulled out of the cabinet.
"Yeas." Cartman replied handing his card over to Mr. Palfrey trying to resist the urge to make some from of a wise crack.
"Okay let's see here." The middle aged man mused checking out he card, "Okay is all the information correct on here sir?" Cartman nodded. "Terrific, let me just get this scanned and we'll get on to you Mr. McCormick" He smiled fakely standing and leaving the room through a door that said: classified personal ONLY. Cartman sighed of relief when he couldn't hear footsteps anymore.
"How long is that going to take?" Kenny wondered aloud, clearly confused out of his mind.
"Probably a half hour or so." Cartman answered to the musing blonde.
"Wonderful." Kenny deadpanned slumping into his seat. After half an hour went by that seemed to last a silence filled century, Mr. Palfrey returned Cartman's card in hand.
"Well it all looks good ." He said sitting back down into his giant arm chair, "Now I take it your here to get a card today Mr. McCormick?"
"Yes he is." Cartman answered for the poor man. Mr. Palfrey nodded digging into his file cabinet again, Cartman caught Kenny's nervous look through the corner of his eye and quickly whispered, "Don't fret, it's not that big of a deal."
"Okay," Mr. Palfrey started still pulling out random papers, "What's your first name Mr. McCormick?"
"Kenny." The blonde answered.
"Good, good...Now which state did you come from?" He asked.
"Colorado?"
"Okay, have you always been a resident of the United States?" This time he made eye contact with Kenny, rather than his papers.
"Yes." Kenny answered with a slight bemused chuckle.
"And what is the name of the city or town you came from?"
"South Park." Kenny said now a full on smile smacked on his face.
"So I see." Mr. Palfrey mumbled turning back to his files, "Is this you?" He asked sliding a piece of paper a crossed his desk. Kenny leaned forward to see it.
"Yup." He monotoned apparently creeped out by the perfect profile of himself sitting on the desk. Cartman could tell by the way his friends eyes were glancing between the paper and Mr. Palfrey, that he was doing everything in his power not to ask how they obtained said information.
"Good, good..." The lanky dark haired man said snatching the paper standing to leave again. "I shall have your card mailed to you in two days. Be sure to read up about our expectation of you as a card holder." He smiled handing Kenny a thick manual. Cartman thought they were finally free until Mr. Palfrey turned, "One more thing," He said in his patheticly fake tone, "Do you share the same address as here?"
"Yeah." Kenny replied slowly.
"Okay, you gentleman have a good day!" He smiled heading back to the classified door.
"Same to you." Cartman said sarcastically as the pair exited the room. The official was still waiting outside and gestured for them to follow him back into the main area. The two were never more happy when they exited through the massive twin doors.
"Now Cartman, I need some SERIOUS answers." Kenny said giving his associate a long stare.
"Not out in the open." Cartman hissed, "We'll head back to my apartment, I'll fill you in there." Kenny slumped, Cartman was sure that he couldn't stand being in the dark to all this anymore, but he couldn't risk telling him out where ears could hear. Sure everyone had a card and knew what it was all about, it was Cartman's knowledge of the card he had from illegal sources is what he couldn't chance someone hearing. When they reached the apartment Cartman made sure all the windows were locked and the blinds were down.
"What are you doing fatass?" Kenny asked lazily like the whole procedure was over kill.
"I'm protecting us from the law fuck tard!" The fatter yelled, "And I'm not fat! I'm big boned!" Kenny erupted into laughter, probably from the fact that was scripted right out of their childhood.
"You still believe that!" The blonde cackled falling onto the couch waiting for his housemate to get to the point already. Cartman did not reply to Kenny's final comment, instead he went to triple checked all openings, once he was sure they were safe, he came into the sitting room and took a seat in an arm chair across from the McCormick spread on the couch.
"Alright look, it hasn't happened to the country side in the minor states yet," Cartman started, "It's a system developed by the U.S. government to track everyone." Kenny rolled his eyes, Cartman slapped him, "Do you really wanna know or not!?" He snapped angered by the blondes lack of interest.
"Yeah, but I wanna know what the cards are for." Kenny whined.
"I was just getting to that if you'd pay attention!" Cartman yelled, "Now as I was saying, The government, ever since they found out about the top secret Russian 'super' weapon project, went bat shit crazy making sure every person living in a major town or city, hell, even a major state wasn't Russian." Kenny's eyes widened at these words. "So supposedly the cards were created as a means to keep track of who is and isn't American." Cartman continued, "for example; you have to use the card for everything, to go to the bank, go shopping, catch a flight, go out to eat, enter a library, basically, like I said, everything." Cartman pulled his card out to give Kenny a closer look, " See the O.A.L.C. stands for; of age legal citizen. And it has to be renewed every month, with a fee of course, if you wish to continue living in your home. And the scan every month is a conformation that the card is, indeed, legal. If you don't turn up every month then they track you down and have you arrested."
"That's complex dude." Kenny gaped, surprised by all this foreign information.
"You're telling me. Twisted part is they arranged it so ONLY American's can contain them, it's full proof to weed the undesired out of our major cities."
"How's it they know when someone is solely an American resident?" Kenny inquired biting his nails in sheer anticipation.
"Profiles. You saw yours. From a leaked a source I learned they obtain them from as simple as your social security number or perhaps if you've ever had a blood test." He tapped his card in the corner where there was a bar stretched over all but the last three digits, "That's also how frauds can't be made, the social security number itself is blocked out by this bar made of a purely unreproducible substance." Cartman finished putting his card away.
"W-what about the fee every month? How much is that?" Kenny gulped.
"A whopping five hundred dollars." Cartman answered plainly. Kenny's jaw hung open and stayed there for awhile.
"H-how in the world do you afford that!? And you're apartment!?" Kenny exclaimed throwing his hands into the air.
"I do under the table work with some 'families'." Cartman smirked eying Kenny's gobsmacked expression.
"Dude..." he breathed.
"So now you know." Cartman sighed heading to open the blinds and anything else he previously had in lock down.
"I don't understand one thing," Kenny said slowly, "my manual doesn't say a word about half the stuff you told me." Cartman turned from the window to make full on eye contact with the younger.
"A lot of that stuff about the government was from 'sources'." He huffed growing tired of Kenny's constant questions. The McCormick nodded slowly letting it all sink in. "Okay cool." He finally said, "So got any plans for Christmas?" Catman once again had to turn to face the other.
"No." It would be a lie to say the unexpectedly happy change of topic didn't take Cartman by surprise.
"Good, cause I do."