Beating Around the Bush
Disclaimer: I really want to own anything related to Criminal Minds but alas I do not.
Pairing: Derek Morgan / Emily Prentiss.
Genres: Friendship and humor.
Rating: K+ for some minor language.
Spoilers: "Into the Woods" Season 6, episode 9.
Summary: "Fine, whatever. Hey, I think I've seen this tree before. Oh yeah, it looks exactly like one of the other thousand or so trees that are in this Godforsaken forest!" Spoilers for 6x09.
Author's Comment: Shockingly I didn't take forever to write this one but then again it is a fairly simple format. Oh well, it still counts :)
"Tell me again just why I decided to go with you?"
"Hotch said so, that's why. Now stop complaining and help me find the path."
"Fine, whatever. Hey, I think I've seen this tree before. Oh yeah, it looks exactly like one of the other thousand or so trees that are in this Godforsaken forest!"
"Okay, how about if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all?"
"All I'm saying is tha—"
"What did I just say Prentiss?"
"Yeah yeah, whatever you say drill sergeant."
"Clever, you should be a stand up comedian."
"Ooh, a real creative guy you are Morgan; that one could have had Hotch pissing himself."
"Shut up and look for the damn path."
Do you see what I have to put up with?
In the middle of some forest, hungry and sleep deprived, with no back up whatsoever, not to mention that I am armed with only my innate intuition, incredible intellect and loaded Glock. However, I'm not certain that any of the aforementioned will stand a chance against a riled up Emily Prentiss. A ticked off, impatient and downright scary Emily Prentiss in the middle of a forest where no one could hear me scream if I tried. And believe me have I've ever tried.
But it hadn't always been this way; in fact our morning had begun on a much lighter note. What happened? I'm not exactly sure because one minute we were following along with the local PD—who had decided to head out to the forest to where we believed our Unsub was taking the children that he has been abducting—and the next minute Prentiss and I are stranded in the middle of this huge-ass forest.
Suddenly, somewhere within my vicinity, I hear something rustle and crunch. I shoot my head up to check it out and out of instinct, so does Prentiss. Using my peripheral vision, I see that my female companion is looking at me instead of the direction where I think that strange noise is coming from. Nothing but bushes and trees and rocks though. She looks from me to where I am looking and back to me, unimpressed by the lack of anything jumping out at us or whatever it was that she was expecting to happen.
I sigh and brush it off; screw roadside motels, forests are on my never to do again list.
"Morgan, quick question."
"What is it Prentiss?"
"Do you have any clue where we're going?"
"Well using my Jedi skills—"
"I knew I should have had Hotch partner me with Reid."
"What good would that have done you; having a walking Wikipedia go on about agriculture?"
"He's a genius, genius. Reid would have me out of here by now with his geographic profiles."
"Well aren't you supposed to be some forest whiz?"
"Only when I visited my grandparents. I was a bit of a nomad and no one else could keep up."
"Yeah well why don't use some of those skills to get us out of here?"
"Sure thing, buddy. I'll just whip out my Girl Scout survival pack."
"Don't even joke; I'm desperate."
"I really should have taken Reid."
Trees. Rocks. Trees. Rocks. Bushes. Bushes. Trees. Rocks. Bu—Sonuvabitch!
Bugs. As in those big-ass, blood sucking bugs. Isn't it a little late for bug season? Guess not because they're buzzing around me like bees and a hive; right as I thought that this afternoon couldn't get any better. First hunting down an Unsub that hurts kids—one the worst kinds of criminal—then getting lost in this forest and then being stuck with a pissed off Prentiss in the middle of a forest while looking for the above-mentioned sicko who abducts children.
Freaking swell day, huh?
Behind me I can tell that Emily is scanning our surroundings for either the local PD that came out with us or the missing children. Leave it to Prentiss to be bitching and doing her job simultaneously, in prefect balance too. Swatting some gnats away from my face, I keep my eyes trained on both the leaves blanketing the forest floor as well as the trees and bushes that are encompassing us. Kicking some wet leaves up I notice a somewhat broken in pathway and although it isn't much I suppose that it will have to door for now.
The footsteps are almost completely faded and they aren't that of children but Prentiss and I follow them in the hopes of it leading us somewhere other than the middle of nowhere. Tugging my jacket around myself as a gust of wind flashes through the forest, I check on Emily who has a hand resting near her Glock probably out of habit or instinct. I can't blame her though; these parts are pretty freaky. Abruptly, Emily stops, I can tell because the familiar crunch-crunch-crunch of her boots falls silent and her incessant muttering has ceased.
We both look around, wondering what made Prentiss stop, which even she doesn't seem to know the source of.
Forests are now—without a doubt—at the top of my list.
"If we die out here I'm going to kill you."
"Drama queen."
"Hardly, you're going to get us killed and everyone's going to think the Unsub did it."
"Don't think so Princess; we aren't exactly his type."
"Why don't we set up camp here? Wait a little while instead of wandering around aimlessly?"
"We aren't 'wandering around aimlessly', we've got a destination."
"Yeah the town which, if I recall, we have no clue how to get to."
"And sitting on our asses is going to get us there any faster?"
"And continuing in circles is any better? I'm trying my phone."
"Good luck with that, Princess."
"Damnit! Nothing!"
"Maybe I should have taken Reid…"
I'm not afraid; I'm really not.
Emily may disagree but what does she know? After all, she has had more experience treading through forests than I have, can I help that? But besides Prentiss busting my balls there is this unsettling—not to mention constant—rustling of bushes followed by sudden whistles of wind that put my nerves on high alert. Now add that to the fact the path that Em and I have been following is dwindling down and according to my watch the afternoon is wasting away, one can understand why I may be reasonably concerned. Not scared. Honest to God.
I groan, wipe my brow with the back of my hand, and tell my partner in crime to follow my lead. Pushing back some wild reed, I let Prentiss through the thick overgrown weeds first, watching as her long brown hair swings behind her as she trudges through the damp dirt. I may just be hearing things but is Prentiss cursing…in Arabic? The reeds sway in my way as I maneuver through the mess, making sure to step in the tracks that Emily's boots have left behind. I do this while trying not to think about all the nasty diseases I'm likely going to contract from these God-awful insects.
But I'm not afraid. Seriously.
Something fast skitters past me, behind Prentiss, and forces its way through the bushes. My nerves tense at the flash of movement but I don't say any word as Princess here leads the way. Again, out of habit and little bit of anxiety, I check my watch again in the futile hope that the clock has turn back a good hour or so that Emily and I have lost. Speaking over the cawing of random birds and chirping of crickets, I remind Em of the time and am responded to with some sarcastic snap of thinly veiled frustration. I blocked out of most of what my "friend" said to me but I did manage to catch the phrase, "if you ever want to have junior G-men-"
Okay, so now I think I'm scared.
"I had Frosted Flakes for breakfast."
"Yeah so? I had frozen toaster waffles."
"My last meal is going to be Frosted Flakes. I knew I should have made pancakes with the works."
"Really, Princess. You're thinking about that now? Besides, we're both going to make it out of here in one piece, you know."
"The Hell we are. Now shut up, I'm praying. Man, I hope God is getting all this."
"God isn't on a cell plan, Prentiss. You don't need good reception to talk to Him."
"In case you hadn't noticed, Morgan, we're in the middle of nowhere. I'm not sure even the Holy Spirit could find us now."
"You're Catholic, should we follow a star or something?"
"Keep that up and you're going to be my Last Supper."
"Gonna eat my body and blood? Frigging Catholic cannibals."
"Better believe it buddy but damn it, it's Friday."
"Like that's ever stopped you from eating meat before."
"Dear God please save my immortal soul and forgive me of my sins... and let me kick Morgan's ass. Amen."
Through the thick bush, Emily leads the way, swearing at what I assume is: mother nature and me, being lost and me, and bugs and me.
Eventually we make it out of the muddy trail and into a dry, grassy patch of land. Placing a palm against a tree, I watch as Emily stalks in circles, groaning and wiping her brow. I realize that we will likely be fine and I know that deep down Emily knows that too but right now I let her revel in some desperation. Besides, it gets her off of my case for a few minutes. Again, I check my watch to see how much daylight we're killing but this time when I go to read the time I am met with the same number that I saw the last time. Dead battery. Freaking fantastic.
Losing what little patience she has remaining—and it wasn't as if there was very much to begin with—Prentiss is combing her fingers through her already neat and straight hair while mumbling to herself. Em strips off her jacket to tie the sleeves around her waist, knots her hair up into a ponytail with an elastic band, and sits herself down on a tree stump so that she can scrape the crusting mud off of her boots. As I look over to my fellow FBI agent to make sure that she hasn't completely lost her mind, I hear something shift and crinkle not so far off from us. Switching my attention between Prentiss and the indistinguishable noises, I gauge my exhausted companion for a reaction—any reaction.
I am met with a cuss and the sound of a loud clap puncturing the forest; one less bug to worry about.
Then, suddenly, there is that noise again. My neck snaps back to see where it is coming from and Prentiss, who's lost interest in killing the nasty bloodsuckers feasting on our bare flesh, looks up in question as well. We're two agents of the FBI, have undergone special training and went through years of extensive education to reach our current positions, and with our heads together we cannot seem to find our way out of a forest or even able to identify what that damn rustling noise is. Since when did my life start sounding like a bad punchline? I feel my hand fall to my holster right as a switch flips inside of me; I'm in FBI mode immediately.
What can I say? It's been a long day.
"Oh thank goodness you're here Deputy."
"Yeah well I've been looking for you two after you didn't come back for a while. I think your team's gettin' antsy."
"We may have taken the scenic route. I apologize for that."
"No need to, pal. S'understandable; people keep getting lost in these parts, I'm considering posting maps 'round the place."
"It'd certainly beat Morgan 'vibing' his way."
"We're alive, aren't we Prentiss?"
"Barely!"
"Girls, girls... you're both pretty. Now you folks probably wanna head back to the station, get cleaned up, and offer us up a profile?"
"Sounds good, I'm sure our team wants to collaborate."
"I'm game as long as there's coffee involved because after this ordeal I just might need an IV drip of it."
"A woman after my own heart. Come on you two, I know the way back to the vehicle. Just follow my lead and try not to wander off."
"One word out of you and next time no search party's going to find you, Princess."
"Next time?"
Author's Note: So I am kind of hoping that this is what happens during the new episode tonight. It would probably be hilarious but I don't think that it is at all likely, which disappoints me. Oh well, a girl can dream. Tell me what you think and have a wonderful day/night :D