Jack opened the hotel room door; taking off his coat he laid it across a chair then sank down on the large plush bed with a sigh of exhaustion. He slid his braces and then his button up shirt, then toed off his shoes. He had paid for the whole team to have a day of treatments and relaxation but he wasn't up for it. Though he was sure they needed it, and having to avoid themselves it was a perfect excuse. He had politely excused himself when Gwen asked everyone to go to her and Tosh's room to watch movies and raid the snack bar until the spa opened.
He needed a moment to break down, to sort everything so he could repress it and carry on. His team needed him to be their strong, fearless leader who they could depend on. He had let them all down, screwed things up royally by abandoning them. He knew time would fix things and he'd make amends. Right now though he was broken, and couldn't face them. He suspected Ianto knew something was wrong; he never really could hide from him.
Which brought him to another painful issue. He had left without so much as a word and Ianto was upset, hurt and angry. As well as he should be. But after that year with the Master all he wanted was for Ianto to wrap him in his arms and chase the horrors and torture he went through over and over again every time he closed his eyes. But he had been lucky Ianto had even said yes to that date he offered, so he couldn't possibly ask or deserve more. No, he was alone.
He let the tears fall as he buried his face in his hands. As if that year hadn't been bad enough, Hart had shown up nearly ripping his team from him again. He was still playing a game of some sort, mentioning Gray like that, and he was going to be forced to wait until Hart showed up again and let him in on whatever was going on. It wouldn't be good, he knew that. Damn, if he didn't hate being in control.
And he hadn't for a whole year. Though he had done what he could, taking pain and punishment in Martha's family place refusing to let them be hurt by that sadistic bastard. He had stayed strong for them, for the Doctor, and his team until they had been killed before him one by one.
Ianto had been the last and the worst, because that had been the final straw. He had denied his feelings and taken the Welshman for granted. And he regretted it. He knew it had been more than shagging; he had fallen for the loyal, dependable, and caring man who always seemed to know what he needed before he did. But he had kept him at a distance, even telling Ianto there would be a time when he might have to go away but promising to come back and he had.
Before he left he'd shown Ianto he trusted and confided in him by letting him in on the secret of Flat Holm. But that was professional. He hadn't shown Ianto how much he truly cared; fearing one of them would get hurt. And he knew admitting his feelings would only cause him pain when he eventually lost Ianto. That was a part of the reason he had left, hoping the Doctor would fix him, and let him lead a normal life where he had could have a relationship that lasted both of their lifetimes and wouldn't leave him alone. But the Doctor was unable to do anything. To make things worse, the Doctor had called him wrong; it had felt even worse than being abandoned by him. But he had stayed with him because he still cared despite it all. He didn't let the Doctor see him break down though not after that, which is why everything he had bottled up was now surfacing.
He had lost Ianto in that paradox, and while it hurt what hurt even more was that Ianto didn't know how much he had cared. Ianto had gotten him to go from just being alive to actually living, given him stability and comfort. And he had never said a word, though he hoped through his actions Ianto knew at least a little what he meant to him. That's why he had asked him on the date, he wanted to do things right. Make things right between them. Ianto was going to know how much he meant to him. He was going to be everything Ianto needed him to be, if given the chance. Because he needed Ianto, he knew that now. Before Ianto had died, he had held on to their memories to get him through the daily torture. He'd give anything to be back with Ianto again, which is why he turned the Doctor's offer down. He was home now, and he had come back to the man who had he had thought about every day on the Valiant.
There was a knock on the door.
TBC