Title: Not Running Away
Author: Morte-Estrella "Dead Star"
Pair: S/B, in Buffy's POV
Set: Later in "As You Were'"

Summary: It's kind of dark and bit AU but it has a good ending. 
Feedback: morte_estrella@email.com

I just told Spike that it's over and I am not exactly sure how I feel about the whole thing. Any man that I have ever love about had been stripped away from me, why should open up my heart again if it's going to be stepped on and thrown away. No, I can't love; at least I don't think so. I have to admit I do care for him, but can I love him? I don't know, I don't know anything much anymore.

I'm walking through the cemetery gates so I can go home; I have seen this cemetery so many times. Not just the times with Spike though, overall all my life since I was 16 I have seen so much violence and blood, it washes over me, so many bruises. This is my life, and it's not like I can stop fighting I thought I could just quit being the slayer although it has some power over me. How many times had I had to wash blood over my clothes? Bandage Myself? Too many to even count that is something I am sure of.

I open my house door slowly I try to be quiet, it feels weird I'm usually not at home this early, maybe I can sleep more than 5 hours today. I peek into my sister's room, I feel bad that I am never here to tell her to brush her teeth and that goodnight because I am always hunting. I love her and sometime I don't think she believes me. I am inside my room now, and I switch on the CD player and turn on some soft music and then wash my face in the bathroom. I start scrubbing my face, then the next thing I know I am scrubbing harder. It doesn't hurt though; I can't feel much of anything anymore. I stop and burst into tears and look at myself in the mirror. I see a person in tears, that's not me, not the Buffy Summers everyone knows.

All red eyes, scars and dead, Buffy isn't suppose to be dead and alone. I have friends and family, yet the person looking back at me doesn't look real. The person in front of me has no dreams, no hopes. "Look at you, you stupid bitch!" I scream at the mirror "Look, what you have become!" I cry harder and break down, so I close door for no one to hear me. I grab a towel and clean myself up; put on my sushi pajamas I think I need some new ones. I open the door to my room suddenly I listen to the music that is playing. I swear that is not what I placed in the CD player.

I don't want you to give it all up
and leave your own life collecting dust
and I don't want you to feel sorry for me
you never gave us a chance to be

I listen a bit more, I'm not running away…oh, Spike had to sneak into my room and put this on, it had to be him. I walk over to the small stand and I find a note.

"One thing saved from the crypt. Thought you might like it, since I have don't have a CD player anymore."

I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

            I listen some more and I start to chuckle, what am I going to do with this? I listen some more, and I realize something it just occurred to me, I am running away!

I did enough to show you that I was willing to give and sacrifice
and I was the one who was lifting you up
when you thought your life had had enough
when I get close you turn away, nothing that I can do or say

I am running away from the person I love. I run to my window and open it up and yell "I LOVE YOU!" if he heard good, if he didn't all stay away from him. I crawl in bed and leave the CD on and think about tomorrow as another day.

Author's note: Hoobastank's "Running Away" Song is what I used at the end. It's really awesome you so need to buy it! Go now! Also this is my first fan-fiction so tell me how I did.