S/N: again this is complete crack. 9 drabbles give us a glimpse into the lives of Kakashi + Kiba (yes they are together in my fic thus why this is crack).
I guess small warning for slight language and implied things
#nowplaying: Go! – Flow
best theme song/season opener ever
*dances*
A/N: complete crack. don't ask. just enjoy, ne?
for all the torn sandals and well behaved shoes of the world
we would be nothing without you
9 Things Kakashi + Kiba Will Never Do
#1: attend the Shinobi World Tennis Open
Kakashi sighs. He loves his boyfriend very much, but right now the kid is really testing his normally endless patience.
"'Kashiiiiiiii, its hottttttt!" Kiba whines, dramatically throwing his head against the jōnin's shoulder.
Kakshi rolls his eye and quickly shrugs his sweaty boyfriend off.
"Maa Kiba, it is summer in Suna…" he states matter-of-factly, silently praying his growing irritation doesn't leak into his tone. The last thing he needs is a whiny and grumpy Inuzuka boyfriend to deal with.
Kiba considers this statement for a moment then turns his face towards the older nin's. Mustering up the most pitiful pair of puppy dog eyes he can, he sweetly coos, "can we go yet?"
Kakashi responds with a disapproving look. They have been over this three times in the last ten minutes.
"No. Not yet."
"But whyyyyy," Kiba whines, slinking down into a Naruto worthy pout.
Kakashi considers his boyfriend's question. Why is he here again? A light bulb clicks. Oh yeah, that's right… the legendary shinobi glances across Kiba's chest to the ninja beside him.
Kakashi narrows his eyes, thinking about the previous night's proceedings. Shikamaru… That crafty mother fuc-
Kakashi snaps out of his daydream and back to reality as something wet and cold hits his face.
"What the – "
Oomf! A clawed foot slams against Kakashi's face, knocking the jōnin backwards over his chair.
The jarred jōnin sits up, slowly regaining his senses as Shikamaru's laugher hits his ears.
"TUNNELING FANG!" Kiba yells, spiraling towards the tennis court.
Mine!
He tunnels through the air towards his object of want. Mid rotation he changes direction. His feet hit the black top and the dog nin rolls to a stop.
"Ball!" He barks happily, green sphere clenched possessively between a pair of gleaming white sharp teeth. "'Kashi!" the chūnin calls proudly, body wagging in excitement, "Look! I caught the ball! I fetched good 'Kashi!"
Kakashi tinges scarlet and melts into his seat, giant sweat drop above his head.
#2: rent Old Yeller for popcorn + movie night
Kakashi walks through the door of his and his boyfriend's apartment. The sweet smell of cookies fills the air.
"Kiba I'm home!" He hollers, hanging his coat on the rack by the door.
"Did you get it?" His boyfriend asks excitedly, running towards him in a red apron.
"Yeah baby I got it." Kakashi waves a DVD enthusiastically in the air.
Kiba squeals and hugs him tightly. "I'm so excited! Naruto said we'd love it."
Kakashi kisses Kiba sweetly on the head. "I'll summon the dogs and we'll watch it now."
A little over an hour later Kiba, Kakashi, Akamaru, Pakkun and the rest of the ninken pack are frozen, eyes wide, dumbfounded on the couch.
"They shot Old Yellar?" Kiba yells, hurling the remote across the room. "WHAT THE HELL!"
#3: run out of Kotetsus
"Aaah-choo!" Kiba sneezes loudly for at least the thirty-sixth time in the last 15 minutes.
"Gazuntight," a low smooth voice drawls lazily from the chūnin's left.
Kiba glares irritatedly at his jōnin boyfriend.
"You know I hate that word."
"Maa," Kakashi snickers quietly, blue eye sparkling in amusement.
Kiba rolls his eyes over his hands at his boyfriend as he blows his nose into a tissue. "Ack!" the dog-nin sniffles, wrinkling his nose in a bane attempt to relieve its incessant itching.
"Maybe you're allergic to school," Kakashi suggests unhelpfully, gesturing his hand into the air.
"'Schyea" Kiba snorts, "Well, maybe you -"
"Can it Inuzuka," Kotetsu scolds from his teacher's desk at the front of the classroom, effectively interrupting Kiba's would be insult. The bandaged chūnin slings a disapproving glance at the younger brunet then returns to the stack of papers in front of him.
Kiba scowls, slinks down into his chair, and pouts.
A moment later, he glances warily at their substitute teacher. Seeing Kotetsu remains effectively occupied, he leans towards Kakashi and whispers, "Why does he hate me and where's Iruka-Sensei?" He throws an irritated look towards the teacher standing in front of the class.
"Maa Kiba," Kakashi drawls lazily, eye twinkling micheviously, "maybe it's because you felt up Izumo that one time..." He gestures dirtily.
"Oh yeah..." – oops forgot about that, Kiba laughs to himself.
Kakashi smirks and continues, "And in regards to Ruru-kun, if you had been listening this morning you would know that Kotetsu-kun is lecturing the second half of today."
"Oh," Kiba blushes and scratches his head sheepishly. Kakashi chuckles.
An underly enthusiastic voice breaks through the silence. "Alright class, open your manuals to page 145. This afternoon we-"
Kiba sighs and zones out. He quickly busies himself with drawing chibis in various compromising positions down the margin of his book.
"Inuzuka! Pay attention!"
Kiba leans towards Kakashi and mutters quietly under his breath, "Remind me again why we're here?"
Kakashi snickers and runs his hand lightly down Kiba's thigh. "Because, Kiba-kun, you're dating a jōnin hentai and unfortunately," Kakashi gestures across the room, "thanks to Genma-chan over there the Diaymao forced the Hokage to implement a new rule which state all shinobi who are actively taking missions and their partners must attend and pass a week long communication in relationships class."
Kiba groans and slides lower in his seat.
Looking around, his gaze narrows on Genma.
I wonder what he did...
Kiba quickly zones out again and his mind runs through a long list of perverted plausible possibilities as Kotetsu starts to lecture them on the importance of listening.
A few long and boring minutes later Kiba sniffles and reaches for his nose. Of course it's itching again. Stupid allergies, stupid nose. The chūnin laments inwardly as he reaches again for the tissue box. Fumbling around his hand ends up inside.
Its empty.
Frowning, the dog-nin glances around, then, seeing no other tissue boxes, he sighs and slowly raises his hand.
"Yes Inuzuka?" Kotetsu inquires, glancing up from his notes. His eyes light up at the prospect of having an interested student.
"Well I was wondering," Kiba starts, trailing off as someone snickers behind him. He shoots Shikamaru a dirty look over his shoulder.
"Yes Kiba, what is it?" Kotetsu urges on, "A question about how to discuss your sexual needs with your partner without-"
His friends erupt into laughter and Kakashi barely suppresses a laugh.
"NO!" Kiba quickly interrupts, blushing. "Uhh.." he fumbles, embarrassed.
"Spit it out already dog" Neji chides from across the room.
Kiba glares then turns his attention back to his teacher. "Ano, I was wondering if you had any tissues?"
Kotetsu bristles and narrows his eyes. "What makes you think I do?" The bandaged chūnin replies snarkily, hands gesturing towards the empty desk.
Kiba levels his gaze. He's had enough of Kotetsu's games.
"Ano Sensei," he begins slowly, "maybe because you have the fashion sense of a stump and wear what looks like a pair rolled tissues across your face." Kotetsu gapes, attempting to interrupt, but Kiba, angered, presses on. "And it doesn't help that your name sounds like Kleenex."
The room errupts into unbridled laughter as Kotetsu storms out of the room.
Suddenly Kiba sneezes, his head snapping down to his chest.
Opening his eyes the chūnin grimaces. His fingers pull gingerly at his shirt.
His favorite mesh shirt is completely drenched in snot.
Kakashi throws his head back laughing opening at his boyfriend.
"Maa Kiba-kun, too bad you ran out of Kotetsus, ne?
#4: Buy a Hello Kitty Kunai from the Kunai of the Month Club.
Kiba raises his weapon and swallows hard.
It's now or never.
The day has finally come. The day Inuzuka Kiba becomes a Tokubetsu Jōnin. Just one more test and he's done.
Combat.
Kiba smirks. Thanks to his keen sense of smell he knows exactly who his masked opponents are –Shiranui Genma and Namiashi Raidou, and he knows he can beat them without a doubt.
Yamato, whom Kiba's nose tells him is the masked proctor, nods.
Game time.
Kiba steps forward and rotates into an offensive crouch, awaiting Genma's move. The sunlight beams down on the pair and the warm light gleams off Kiba's shiny new kunai –a good luck gift the dog nin received from his boyfriend.
Genma doubles over laughing and falls to the ground.
"What the –?"
Kiba watches completely and utterly confused as the special jōnin rolls around laughing hysterically and clutching his side.
"Uh…"
"I can't breathe, I. can't. BREATHE!" Genma gasps out in hysterical laughter, slinging his mask from his face.
"SHIRANUI! What are you doing?" Yamato snaps. "Baka, you can't reveal your identity to an applicant!" He moves to stand over the rolling jōnin, arms folded in irritation across his chest.
"But Yammey!" Genma barely chokes out between laughs, "His kunai – his kunai! It's HELLO KITTY!" He loses it again.
The wood wielder stiffens brieftly then deflates -no point in arguing with Genma when he's like this. Stepping forward, Yamato snatches the kunai from Kiba's hand.
"NO," He gasps. He raises his mask to get a closer inspection.
A giggle escapes and Yamato barely has it in Raidou's hand before he too bursts into laughter.
The usually reserved shinobi throws his companions a wary look then glances at the weapon in his hand.
Raidou snorts, "Just think guys, an ANBU with a Hello Kitty Kunai!" He throws his head back and laughs.
"How fur-ocious!" Genma adds, kicking his feet in the air as he enters a second laughing fit.
"Nani?" Kiba questions, utterly confused.
"Here kid," Raidou snickers, tossing the ridiculous weapon back to its owner. "Catch!"
Kiba's mood darkens drastically as he looks down at the weapon in his palm. The metal weapon is covered in hundreds of hot pink and bright purple Sakura petals, and, sure enough, a very large, very clearly drawn infamous white kitty sits smiling up at him from underneath the hilt.
Birds squawk and critters flee as Kiba races towards the village and bellows, enraged, "KAKASHI! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
#5: Cosplay as Gai and Lee.
"Eternal Rival! Your vitality is overshadowed only by your beauty!"
Kakashi vomits in his mouth.
#6: Complain about how their milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard
It had been a long week.
A really long week.
Probably the longest since Kiba lost that bet to Shika that ended up with him having to wear a dress to training for an entire week.
(And trust Kiba… That was a long week.)
He glances at Kakashi lounging lazily on their oversized green couch.
All Kiba wants to do is have some fun.
Smirking, he suddenly gets an idea and races off to the bedroom. He quickly changes clothes - tossing on dark jeans and a tight red tee. Grabbing an appropriate change of clothes for Kakashi, he quickly returns to the living room and orders the jōnin to change.
After hearing Kiba's plan, Kakashi eagerly agrees. In ANBU speed he slips on the skinny jeans and snug black shirt picked out for him.
Kiba studies his boyfriend and coos in approval.
Before Kakashi can respond, Kiba grabs him by the arm and yanks him out the door.
Strolling up to the bar Kiba hollers to the bartender and orders four shots. Passing two to Kakashi, he toasts his lover – something about short days, long nights, and fun times- and the pair quickly down the dark liquor.
Five shots later both ninja are pressed together in the middle of the dance floor grinding their bodies rhythmically to the upbeat music.
Kakashi whispers something into Kiba's ear and motions to their left.
Smirking Kiba nods and presses Kakashi into him. Bending his upper half back away from Kakashi's chest, Kiba seductively rolls his lower body slowly into the jōnin. Snapping up, Kiba bites his lip as Kakashi drops low then drags his body back up his.
As Kiba grinds hard in response, a second pair of hands appears around his waist. Brown eyes lock with mismatched blue and red as a hot hard body presses into the chūnin from behind. Looking up, Kiba searches for answers. Kakashi smirks and Kiba grins wickedly in response. That look told him everything he needs to know.
Faster than Naruto can say ramen, Kiba nods to Kakashi and turns. Two pairs of hands grab and quickly pull. In seconds the two nin sandwich the hard body between them.
Kiba laughs and Kakashi smirks as the sexy body between them purrs in approval and latches his mouth onto the pale jōnin's neck.
They have Umino Iruka just where they want him.
#7: Hold a bake sale.
*beeeeep*
Kiba walks the few short steps across the kitchen floor. Quickly silencing the timer, he bends over and opens the oven door.
The warm heavy scent of hot sugar cookies fills the air.
Kiba carefully sits the scorching baking sheet down atop the stove. Inhaling deeply, Kiba smiles to himself. Okay, so maybe baking cookies isn't so bad…
A wild mop of silver hair appears over the chūnin's shoulder. "Cookies!" Kakashi glees, happily reaching around his lover. "YUM!"
Just as pale fingers reach the warm morsel a firm hand determinedly swats them away.
"No!" Kiba turns and gives his jōnin boyfriend a pointed look, "How many times do I have to tell you these are for Sakura's bake sale. You know, to raise money for charity? Plus you know Sakura and Ino will have my tail if there's even one missing."
(You see, about a week ago Sakura blackmailed Kiba and a few of the other original rookie nine nins into helping her and Ino with the Hokage's Annual Cookies for Kunais Bake Sale. For every dozen cookies bought, Konoha buys a kunai for an orphaned pregenin in training at The Land of Waves Ninja Academy, the poorest academy in the poorest country of the shinobi world.)
"Maa, but you never bake me cookies and I just want one." The jōnin whines, slowly reaching forward again.
Kami. Kakashi could be so childish.
"NO." Kiba barks, firmly catching the jōnin by the wrist.
Kakashi scowls, yanks his hand back, and stalks away disappearing into the bedroom to pout.
Kiba sighs. "Gah, such a baby," he mumbles to himself turning back to his baked goods. Surveying the pile of cookie tins on the kitchen island Kiba smiles to himself, "Almost done."
The chūnin quickly finishes filling the last box and goes to the bedroom to tell Kakashi bye. However, his boyfriend is no-where to be found. Kiba shrugs. He has more pressing matters than Kakashi's shadiness. He only has three minutes to be at the Academy, seated, with cookies on display.
Kuso.
Kiba swears as he hurries out the door.
Flying as fast as possible with 12 metal cookie tins in his arms, Kiba just makes it on time.
"Kiba!" Sakura hollers, running towards him as he enters the building. "Where have you been?"
Kiba groans as the stressed out kunochi flies toward him, anger pulsing in her veins. "But I thought we didn't have to be here til now?" he defends himself.
Sakura bristles and starts to retort, but, lucky for Kiba, Ino quickly steps in, saving him from a verbal, and probably a physical, beating. "Thanks Kiba-kun!" She squeals, over enthusiastically hugging her friend. "Are these all of them?"
"Yes," Kiba rolls his eyes and quickly shoves the tins into the blonde's outstretched hands. "All 32 dozen you so nicely asked for…"
Sakura huffs and Ino rolls her eyes.
Stupid girls.
"Okay I'll see y'all later," Kiba waves, turning to leave.
However two hands snag his shirt, stopping him in his tracks.
"Not so fast," Ino starts.
"You also have to help set up." Sakura finishes.
Kiba groans. However, deciding it best for his health to cooperate, he follows the girls down the hall, body visibly moping.
Halfway to the gymnasium Ino pauses. "Um Kiba?" She turns around slowly, an unreadable look on her face.
Kiba sighs. Kami what now…
"What Ino?"
Ino passes Sakura an open cookie tin. Sakura stares into the box for a moment then looks back at Ino. Both girls sit down and quickly start to rip open the tins.
Confused, Kiba continues to stare as they pop open one top after another, strange glances exchanged between each one.
After the last tin opens, a dark look passes between the girls.
Sakura locks onto Kiba's confused gaze. Wrath furiously smolders behind green eyes.
Kiba gulps, he's not sure what's going on but that look in her eyes only can mean one thing… Kiba is about to get hurt. Bad.
"I-Ino, S-Sakura-chan?" Kiba stutters, stepping back cautiously, glance darting quickly between the two slowly standing girls.
"Kiba…" Ino purrs, stepping towards the frightened chūnin. "We just have one question…"
"Yeah," Sakura chimes in, rolling up her sleeves and flexing her fists. "WHERE THE HELL ARE THE COOKIES?"
-CRUNCH-
A fist slams into Kiba jaw, breaking it to pieces. His body flies into the air.
Across town a pug looks on in disdain as a certain silver haired shinobi lounges on a couch, popping the last cookie into his mouth. Pink crumbs cover his face and sprinkle his shirt and hair.
Pakkun sighs and addresses his friend, "Master, that wasn't very nice."
A devilish smirk crosses Kakashi's unmasked face.
"Maa Pakun, I thought every one of those 384 cookies was very nice."
#8: Ask the Hokage to borrow some milk.
Kakashi freezes, carton open upturned in the air against his mouth.
"Kakashi! What do you think you're doing?" Iruka-sensei storms across the living room. "Kiba and I needed that to finish making your dinner!"
The normally fearless jōnin winces as a tan hand snatches the newly emptied milk carton out of the air. Across the room Kiba snickers. He loves to see his boyfriend get put in his place.
Kakashi shoots his lover an irritated look. So much for my shinobi in shining armor… He turns to Iruka with a look of pure innocence. "Maa Sensei, I just thought you deserved the freshest dairy product available… Only the best for—"
"Oh save it Hatake," Iruka sighs, exasperated. He rubs his scar in a bane attempt to calm himself. "Just go borrow some from Lady Tsunade."
Kiba laughs as his jōnin boyfriend practically skips out the door. Nothing makes Kakashi happier than ruffling Iruka's feathers. Well, nothing except for - well, lets just say that it comes second to only one other pleasurable pastime.
"And don't get lost on the road of life!" Iruka warns as the door slams.
A minute later Kakashi stands nose to nose with a giant wooden door.
-Knock Knock-
Silence.
-Knock Knock-
Still no answer.
The jōnin frowns.
"Tsunade! I know you're in there!"
Nothing.
"Fine," Kakashi sighs. Performing the necessary motions, the jōnin poofs into the apartment. "Alright Tsunade, look, I know you're probably still mad about Pakkun and Akamaru peeing on your desk but I just want to borrow some mil–" Kakashi stops short as a high pitched screech interrupts his words.
Pillows, a blanket, and clothing fly.
Oh. My. Kami.
Kakashi stares at the back of the small couch in front of him in disbelief as two bodies desperately scramble to cover themselves.
He practically pierure's on the spot.
What delicious black mail!
Kakashi glees!
He'll be free of mission reports for weeks! Maybe months! If it's good maybe a year!
"Lady Hokage?" Kakashi calls out, stepping towards the scrambling pair.
Oh! He has to find out who Tsunade's lover is!
…Maybe it's that new nin from records…
"Tsunade! Oh Tsunade! Where'd you go?" Kakashi calls sweetly as the female hokage poofs to another room.
…Oo maybe its Genma? That'd be perfect blackmail…
"You don't have to be embarrassed!" He steps up to the couch…
…well unless it's Gai –the jōnin glees, –maybe it is Gai!...I'll be out of mission reports for life!...
"Lady Tsunadeee where ar—"
"Ay Kakashi."
"Bu-ee-ou-a-bah," the jōnin's mind breaks and he freezes momentarily before gloved hands fly to shield mismatched eyes. "I'm blind! I'm blind!" he yells, bolting for the door, one hand extended before him comically feeling his way out.
A very confused, very naked Jiriaya stands dumbfounded staring out the open door.
He raises his hand and calls after his traumatized friend, "Oi Kakashi! You forgot your milk!"
#9: Dress up like Nekkos for Halloween.
It's the last day in October. Outside the streets of Konoha are busy. The shops are a rush. Children fidget anxiously, eyes glued to the clock. Time appears to stand still. Parents scramble frantically, fixing decorations, setting out candy, and buying last minute costumes for their children to wear that night.
It is Halloween and frankly Kiba doesn't give a shit.
Turning over, the dog nin snuggles down into his big blue couch. It's late afternoon and he has to get a good nap in before the village brats start blowing up his doorbell scavenging for stupid sugary treats.
Just as he starts to fall asleep the front door bursts open. Jolting up, Kiba growls. There's a silver cat standing in his front hall. It leans against the wall smugly, like it owns the place.
No way. Not on his turf!
The brunet barks and leaps off the couch, hitting the ground on all fours. Bursting across the room he lunges for the trespassing feline. The cat's silver fur bristles, giving its hair a gravity defying effect as it scrambles for the door.
Launching off the floor, Kiba hurls himself through the air, snagging his prey by the throat.
"Why are you here feline?" Kiba snarls out, baring his teeth, shaking the cat's neck in his paws.
The animal makes a choking sound and reaches for its neck.
"DOWN KIBA!" The intruder gasps out, mismatched eyes wide. Kiba pauses automatically at the command. "It's me baka! KAKASHI!" Kakashi snaps as Kiba finally releases his grip around the man's pale neck.
The tattooed nin falls back on to his haunches staring at the costumed jōnin in front of him. Kakashi face slowly fades from blue as oxygen is finally allowed to refill his lungs, an unamused scowl crossing his naturally pale face.
Kiba winces as his boyfriend turns towards him.
This is going to be a long night.
Kiba groans. Ugh! I hate Halloween.
E/N:
why everyone should twitter
Naruto (NarutoxUzumaki): *shudders* SasukexUchiha sure is creepy about that duck lovin.
ActuallyNevis (ActuallyNevis): Duck lovin' is illegal in 4 out of 5 of the five lands.
Naruto: *nodnod* Oi! SasukexUchiha Stop giving that duck lovin that it's body can't handle! ((XD))
Me (bentleysempai): does SasukexUchiha ever slip up and call you 'duck' instead of Naruto? *snickers*
Naruto: *narrows his eyes* not if he knows what's good for him.
Me: Naww so "duck" isnt SasukexUchiha's pet name for you eh? XP
Naruto: *frowns* SasukexUchiha better not have any pet names for me unless he wants to eat a rasengan!
Me: hahaha dirty. does SasukexUchiha's duck get to watch?
ActuallyNevis: I'm sure he likes to eat your "rasengan" *snicker*