The Calm after the Storm
Shallan awoke, a little stiff and rather cold but surprisingly well-rested. She kept her eyes closed, strangely enjoying feeling calm and safe despite the events of the night before. How on earth had she managed to sleep after that? Images of the face in the stars, the Stormfather himself, spun in her head, determined to be released but she couldn't bring herself to move just yet, she was enjoying being held far too much.
That thought made her open her eyes. She was lying cradled in Kaladin's arms, curled up against his body – his warmth seeping through his shirt and into her. She lay against his chest, safehand holding her satchel against him and her free-hand round his waist. She should be blushing – this kind of behaviour would be considered completely improper but it felt somehow right. And safe.
She looked up to check that he wasn't awake – though she could tell by his breathing that he was quite deeply asleep.
He looks so much younger, she thought. With the strains of his life smoothed away by the oblivion of sleep, she realised he was not much older than she was – probably younger than Adolin. The age she'd attributed to him was the result of his burdens, at least some of which he'd shared with her last night. She felt strangely hot thinking that. Why had he shared so much of himself? She could tell that such candour was not part of his nature – that he tended to bottle himself up rather than divulge his secrets. Perhaps that was why she'd felt she could tell hers. She hadn't been as honest with anyone else on the shattered plains – she'd not even been as honest with herself before arriving here. What was it about this man that made her feel like se could trust him so completely? He even knew about the …
He stirred slightly and turned his head slightly towards hers. She could see the scars on his forehead more easily now, scars she now knew to be the work of Amaram. Bastard, she thought. That man is a monster. Her strength of feeling against Amaram was greater after hearing Kaladin's story, possibly even greater than after hearing how Helaran had died. Helaran had probably tried to assassinate Amaram but had what had Kaladin done to deserve such treatment? Nothing, he'd simply been in the wrong place and then life had tried to break him, over and over. It was all Amaram's fault. No wonder he'd tried to challenge him.
She lifted her free-hand and reached up to Kaladin's face. Gently she brushed his long dark hair away from his forehead exposing his brands. The marks that Amaram had placed there, and the Shash brand.
Well the Shash brand is probably deserved, she mused. He was dangerous – the man had, amazingly, killed a chasmfiend, all on his own. Her own illusions had probably helped a little but it was him that had succeeded. And he had done it to save her. Another hot thought. Could she have expected that of Adolin? Probably, though he had ample reason to try to protect her, given their relationship, but Kaladin, he had no reason to protect her over his own skin, and yet he had chosen to anyway, and in full knowledge that he would likely die. She shoved that thought down. He probably simply saw it as part of his job – he was a bodyguard after all. Dangerous he might be, but not to her, in fact she felt far safer here than she had in some time.
She lay there for some time, but her stiffness eventually made her wriggle slightly and Kaladin came to.
"Sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to wake you".
"It's alright," he replied sleepily. "We probably need to get going anyway".
"To the point as always, I see. From asleep to pragmatic in under 2 seconds."
He grunted, releasing her and stretching. She sat up, feeling strangely bereft now that his arms were no longer around her.
She clasped her satchel tightly to her, watching him.
"What?" he said looking at her.
"I was just thinking how nice it was, to have some peace and quiet with nobody bothering me," she smirked at him.
He chuckled. "I suppose that serves me right."
"It certainly does" she replied. "Now how do you feel about climbing down?"
"Not great," he grimaced. "It will probably be harder than climbing up, but I don't see what options I have."
She nodded. It would be next to impossible for a rescue attempt to get him from this cubby without him lifting or lowering himself from it.
"If you can get down, I could go back and get a team to come and get you if you like?"
He shook his head. "If I can make it down, then I can probably manage the whole way, if you'll help me?" He phased the last bit as a question.
She looked shocked "Of course I'll help you!" she said. "After everything we've been through you shouldn't even have to ask!"
"I thought you might want to get back quickly for your bath" he cocked an eyebrow at her, pulling open the pack.
"Well I am looking forward a warm bath, obviously, but if I leave you here all alone then I lose the opportunity of showing off how well I rescued you. Besides, I washed quite well last night, thank you. I told you there were positives in getting stuck in a highstorm."
"Indeed you did," He looked away from her into the pack and pulled out some of the chull jerky, passing a few pieces to her. Its spell in the waters of the highstorm had not improved its flavour or consistency.
They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes.
"I suppose I should climb down first?" she asked after she had finished forcing the jerky down.
He nodded, "Probably best if you are down first. You can draw the sketches I know you are dying to do of the Stormfather or the chasmfiend or some other such nonsense while I scrounge up the courage to climb down. You'll probably have plenty of time."
She doubted that, he'd taken only a few minutes yesterday to decide to face the chasmfiend, but she humoured him. "I hope so, I don't even know if any of my drawing supplies will have survived the highstorm, so I may need loads of time." She turned to crawl to the mouth of the cubby, ready to lower herself down.
"Be careful" he said, looking worried. "Take your time – you will probably be stiff from all the climbing you had to do last night, plus sleeping on hard ground two nights in a row won't have helped."
"I will." She smiled at him, "See you at the bottom". She started to lower herself down, muscles complaining at the work she'd made them do last night.
He pulled himself to the entrance to the cubby to watch her progress. It was slow but she finally made it. She looked up and saw him grit his teeth – even at this distance she could read his expressions. He turned and started to lower himself down using the handholds she'd cut the night before.
Kaladin's arms complained bitterly as he lowered himself gingerly down from step to step. Shallan was quite a bit shorter than he was luckily, so he didn't need to lower himself far between handholds so he could rest on his uninjured leg. It took longer than he'd have liked. They needed to get going so that Shallan didn't miss Dalinar's expedition. He didn't know exactly when Dalinar planned on leaving or how long it would take them to get back but it was vital that she go with them, even if he couldn't. He decided that if he was being to slow that he would send her on so that she made it in time. It didn't matter if he didn't make it, although he would prefer not to die down here. He'd also prefer that he made sure Shallan got back safely. Not knowing if she had would be a terrible worry to him.
Fortunately he eventually made it down in one piece, though he was sweating and dizzy with the effort. His leg was incredibly painful, he even attracted a few painspren as he finally touched the bottom and let himself lie down on top of the chasmfiend's back where they had started cutting the handholds.
Shallan peered at him. "Well, bridgeboy, you haven't given me nearly enough time to draw even a little bit of the Stormfather, so you are just going to have to lie there a bit so I can get some of it down".
He smiled, knowing full well that she was just allowing him more time to recover. He sat up, and had a look at his leg. Now he was out of the cubby and could see rather better he saw that despite all the damage that first the chasmfiend and then the climbing had tried to do, it actually didn't look that bad. It was even clean after the wash in the highstorm. "I'll need stitches" he thought. "Pity I don't have anything suitable on me right now". He had carried such equipment with him as a bridgeman, but he'd stopped doing that since Dalinar had made him captain of his guard. He'd given the field equipment to Lopen to carry along with their waterskins and relied on the camp surgeons to augment their field supplies anyway. Of course, he'd relied on Stormlight to heal himself, never thinking he would destroy his ability himself.
"Idiot", he thought, closing his eyes. "You were so busy feeling bitter that you didn't even notice what you were doing to Syl". He understood now. Her increasing playfulness, her loss of sense of self, her loss of understanding, they were all because he couldn't be a better man. And now he'd killed her. The best part of himself, and he'd killed her.
"You know," a voice cut through his brooding, "I rather thought you were done with worrying for the time being."
He opened his eyes and looked at her.
She smiled at him. "Seriously, Kaladin, we made it through the storm and will be getting back as soon as you are up to walking. It isn't even that far – probably only an hour or two, even if I have to carry you!"
Her smile was infectious. How she could be so sunny after the past 24 hours was amazing. In fact, how she could be so optimistic despite everything that had happened to her left him a little in awe. There she was, in a tattered dress, her vivid hair in complete disarray, wearing soldiers boots, no longer hidden under the dress because she had cut it up to bind his wounds, and she still looked dazzling. He smiled back, his mood lightening slightly, despite the pain he felt at losing Syl. Somehow, Shallan made it easier to bear the pain of it all.
He sat up straighter. "I won't make you carry me" he said, "But I may have to use you as a crutch. I hope that the wash in the highstorm has at least made me less malodourous so the task won't be too repulsive".
She laughed. "I probably smell of you now anyway so I won't even notice." He had a sudden memory of holding her last night that made him a little breathless. She continued, "At least your injury allows for the vulnerability to come through so you still have contrast for your figure painting". She came up next to him, putting her papers into her satchel before holding out her hands.
"I suppose that's true." he agreed, "I am sure the leg would be easier to convey in a painting than my odour". He put his hand in hers and using the chasm wall as support he heaved himself to his feet. Together they clambered down the side of the chasmfiend's enormous body.
Panting from the exertion, but feeling much better than he'd expected. Kaladin sat down, his back to the chasmfiend's corpse. "I just need a minute to get my breath back." He said, looking up at the sky. It had started to lighten, dawn must be approaching and they needed to get back before Dalinar left on his expedition.
"Stop worrying." Shallan said, noticing him frown. "We have plenty of time. He won't leave before the army is assembled and that will take hours – I bet they haven't even started yet."
She was probably right, he took a deep breath and looked at her nodding his head. "Alright, but if you want me to stop worrying me, you'd better keep my mind occupied".
"Ooh a game," she said, sounding delighted. He smiled at that.
"Perhaps something other than the reasons we are glad to be down here?" he suggested, attempting to get himself to his feet on his own.
She was there in an instant, getting herself under his arm on his injured side, letting him lean on her for support.
"Very well" she said. "How about I tell you all the marvellous things I think about the chasmfiend and you can tell me why they aren't true and berate me for my foolishness at my fascination with it."
"Shallan!" he said, stopping dead, "The chasmfiend".
"What? Don't tell me I've actually swayed you to my side of things?"
"No, of course not!" he was not likely to view the things with anything near the attraction that Shallan obviously had for the beasts given that one had tried to eat him. "But we should get the gemheart out. It will be worth a fortune and Dalinar hasn't won one in ages. It would be amazing."
It might also stop a few awkward questions about how they had survived, but Kaladin wasn't too worried about that right now. Getting back was more important.
"That's all very well, Kaladin," Shallan said, "but how will we get it out?"
"Your Shardblade of course" he looked at her, confused.
"Oh" she trailed off. "Of course, sorry". She seemed to be a little confused herself.
Helping him sit down again, she summoned the blade and cut into the beast's chest. "You realise I am cutting up an almost perfect chasmfiend specimen again for you? I hope you understand that I am not happy about it". He grinned at her, knowing she was teasing him.
"By now, I'm sure you've got plenty of images stored away in that brain of yours to draw a hundred pictures of the thing before it has been cut up. Besides, think how much of its anatomy you'll be seeing now." He chuckled, he would win this one now. He knew how she felt about understanding creatures.
She huffed, and he felt a small thrill as he realised he had actually beaten her so she didn't have an immediate come-back to that. His victories like that were likely to be few and far between. She was like his mother in that regard. She would nearly always have the last word.
After some cutting, and getting some more of the violet blood on her, Shallan had the gemheart out. It was enormous and almost blinding. They both stared at it for a moment, it was worth a kingdom. He shook himself, that much Stormlight, and he couldn't even feel it. He felt a stab of depression again.
Shallan broke his thoughts before they could go too far. "We'd better cover it or we'll be blinded before we get back to camp".
He shrugged off his jacket, warm after his exertion of climbing. "This will do, unless you are cold and want to wear it?"
"No, I'm fine, it would be miles to long for me anyway. We'd better tie it up though." She used the blade to hack a few vines growing out of the rock wall, and together they wrapped the gemheart up and tied the vines around it to keep the jacket from slipping. Then, together, they got to their feet, Shallan under Kaladin's arm again and they started to make their way slowly towards Dalinar's camp.
They had walked some way, and taken paths that Shallan was reasonably certain would be the right ones. But after a while they decided that it would be wise for her to draw out their path again. Shallan knelt on the floor, drawing out their path on the increasingly tattered bit of paper that was her map. Kaladin sat, back against the chasm wall, using the opportunity to rest.
Shallan found herself falling into her usual calm as she drew out their path, the tension of keeping all these memories bleeding out onto the page. She really needed to get them down on paper before they went hazy, but she just didn't have time right now. Perhaps, once they were back, there would be time.
She blinked, as she finished, coming out of the dreamlike state she often occupied whilst drawing and glanced up at Kaladin. He was watching her. She blushed. How long had he been watching her like that?
He raised his eyebrows at her, "Done?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied, looking down at her drawing, trying to stifle her blush. Why was she blushing? He had probably noticed her shifting as she finished her drawing and looked at her for only a moment before she'd looked up. He couldn't possibly have been looking at me that long. He'd closed his eyes as soon as he sat down. Why does it matter if he was?
She shook herself mentally. "We are on course – In fact I think that we shouldn't need to stop again to check our progress unless I am way off".
"Seems unlikely" he said, running a hand through his hair. "You've been spot on so far."
"About that," she said, feeling awkward. "I'd really appreciate you not mentioning my memory to other people. I think they might find it weird."
He gaped at her. "Weird? It's incredible, and if it wasn't for your memory we would still be stuck somewhere in the middle of the Shattered Plains or would have been drowned in the highstorm".
"I know, but, it worries me, how people will react. I've never really told anyone before". She frowned, looking down at her drawing. She wouldn't normally mind him knowing – he knew so much about her already and she trusted him not to pass it on, but this was different – he might let something slip, thinking that perhaps Adolin already knew of her skill.
He paused, then continued gently, "Shallan, if it means that much to you, I promise I won't tell anyone, even Dalinar. But you must see that he needs to know that you can accurately draw the maps he needs."
"I know, but I'd prefer that he didn't realise it was because of my memories of the maps rather than a simple realisation." She met his eyes, searching for reassurance in his dark eyes.
She found it.
"Very well" he said, holding her gaze. "I won't tell a soul – nor anything about what we spoke of last night, if that also helps."
She smiled at him, feeling completely relieved. "I knew I could trust you with," she faltered, "with what I told you last night. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have told you, but this was something different – and you might not realise that it was a secret".
"I knew", he said softly.
They gazed at each other for a long moment. Then Shallan rubbed her nose in embarrassment and said "I guess we should get moving again – and we never did play that game. Perhaps we should try reasons why it is a good thing your leg got hurt?"
He laughed at that, making her feel warm all over, despite the chill in the air. He reached out his hand for her to help him rise and she got under his arm again, feeling the warmth of his body soak into hers.
"Very well," he said when he was standing. "Shall I start, seeing as it is my leg?"
"I can hardly contradict you there, though if I remember, you did it whilst killing my chasmfiend." She quipped.
"Storms, woman, you make it sound like the whole misadventure was my fault" he was trying to sound offended but she could hear the smile creeping into his voice.
"Well, perhaps it was following your smell which is why it attacked us in the first place!" she countered.
"No, you are not pinning that on my stench as well – it did its job making me appear vulnerable but it did not have the capacity for attracting chasmfiends as well. You have to pick one or the other".
"Trust me, Kaladin, it had plenty of capacity".
"Bet its worse now," he joked back, "seeing as you think you probably smell equally bad now. Two of us has got to have more capacity than one"
"Not yet it doesn't, though I expect by the time we arrive back it will have probably about equalled your reek before our unexpected bath."
"Ok, ok, you've made your point. Can I still come up with why my injury is a good thing first?"
"Fine, but only because I just won that last trade" she said grinning.
He chuckled, "Right so, it's a good thing my leg is injured because when I get back I'm going to look like seven hells and everyone is going to treat me wonderfully so I get better as fast as possible."
"Yeah, except knowing you, you'll probably be out of bed far too soon and do more damage to it." She didn't know how she knew, but she knew that even a crippling injury like this one would not keep a man like Kaladin Stormblessed in bed for long.
"Probably" he agreed blithely. "I don't have much sense apparently."
She giggled "That's true, if you did you probably wouldn't have fought the thing in the first place. My turn".
She shifted slightly under his arm and wrapped her arm more tightly around his waist. The biggest issue was that she was having to use her safehand to help steady him, but there wasn't any helping that. He needed her so she had to suppress her embarrassment and just get on with it.
"I think it's a good thing you injured your leg because everyone is going to be so impressed that I basically carried you all the way back here." She said smugly.
"I think you'll find that they'll be impressed that I walked at all, let alone climbed about 100 feet."
"But I don't have to tell them that – all they'll see is me acting as a human crutch for you and will assume you've been like this the whole way".
"I may be prepared to keep some secrets for you, Shallan, but there is no way I'm letting people think I let you carry me the whole way. A man has to have some pride". He said it light-heartedly, and she knew that he didn't actually mind. He really didn't care what others thought of him. He knew who and what he was and did not feel the need to change for anyone. So different from her father, who had always needed the approval of others.
He looked down at her, noticing her silence. "I was joking," he said after a pause, "I don't really mind".
"I know," she said, trying to inject some playfulness into her voice, "You just made me think of something".
"What?" he asked quietly.
"My father" she replied, "I don't think he understood that you don't need the approval of others to be a good person." She shivered, "Sorry, I think a couple of poor night's sleep have made me a bit gloomy".
"It's alright" he said soothingly. "To be honest, you've dealt with the whole thing remarkably. I don't think there is another woman in the whole camp – light-eyed or dark who'd have managed as well as you have. You have the right to be a bit gloomy – and perhaps it is my turn to cheer you up."
She smiled at that – he made it sound like she had really helped him keep his mood up during their trek. Perhaps she had.
They walked on a short way, Kaladin wracking his brain to think how he could cheer her up. It needed to be sincere but nothing too close to home in case it made her sad thinking about her father and family again.
"So," he said. "Now I just need to think up a way that will cheer you up. I know, just think about how wonderful that bath you've been going on about will be when we get back. It can't be much further now".
"Oh yes," she said, sounding much more like her normal self. He couldn't see her face easily but he knew he'd done the right thing. "A lovely long hot soak will be just the right thing. I'll get to wash my hair and actually do something about it!"
He had a brief mental image of her soaking in a bath and had to push the thought firmly from his mind. She's betrothed to Adolin, you fool. He thought to himself. Don't start thinking like that.
"And food" he said after giving himself a mental shake. "What's the thing you would most like to eat when we get back? I know I'm going to be avoiding chull jerky for some time to come."
"Well, that's a little harder – my favourite food used to be jam, but I've gone off it somewhat in recent months. Sebariel has a fabulous cook – assuming he hasn't left again – and he prepares so many wonderful things I don't really know where to start."
"Left again?" inquired Kaladin.
"Well, Sebariel can be quite, uh, exacting. I haven't actually seen him yell at the cook yet but he can be quite rude when he wants to be. I know the cook had left before I arrived and Palona had to beg him to come back. He did, but only because she offered him quite a substantial pay rise. Worth it in my book because his food is amazing." She laughed, "I like Sebariel and Palona, but sometimes I wonder how on Roshar they've managed to keep their House going."
Kaladin smiled at that. He tried to keep her talking about Sebariel and Palona – Shallan told him a few bits of gossip and mockingly threatened to cut off his ears if he should ever repeat them. He continued to ask questions, more out of a desire to keep her occupied, than because he needed to know – although he was still intrigued by her. Her wit, more and more, was appealing to him, now that she was more relaxed with him and he wasn't the butt of every joke she made. She was also funnier when she was more relaxed. She obviously used it as a defence mechanism, much as he pushed people away when he was uncomfortable. He wanted to keep her talking, about anything really so he asked her about the plants down in the chasms and she started excitedly explaining about some of the vines and rockbuds down here and how they differed so much from those above.
That was fine, he thought. As long as they could avoid the subject of her father then she would be happy. And as long as they avoided the subject of Adolin, so would he.
At last, they rounded a corner and saw, to their great relief, the permanent bridge that marked Dalinar's warcamp. They both called up and Kaladin was immensely thankful and delighted to see Teft looking down at them, his eyes wide with joy and relief.
Thank you for reading this, I'd appreciate any feedback.