The Evil Crossover of DOOM.
By: HeeroYuy99, ManOfManyFaces33, Carrie88 (see a pattern here)
Typed and edited by: Tiki the Dark One, help from HeeroYuy99
Disclaimer: I do not write this story, nor do I claim any relationship to it, other then typing it up. It was written by several of my friends during long seminary classes. Considering I am not religious, I have no chance to be in those classes. Please send me any C&C and I will forward them.
Please no comments on the grammar or continuity. This story was meant to be stupid and rot the brain.
All characters mentioned in this story are copyright their respective owners.
My notes: I have revised this story to put it into a slightly more readable format. Unfortunately this means that some of the stupidity will be lost. I also corrected several of the most obvious grammar and spelling mistakes.
Switch in paragraphs usually means a switch in authors.
If you value your sanity PLEASE, PLEASE HIT BACK. You will not escape from here sane… Notice, I have given all the warnings I can without blatantly saying STAY AWAY… So… STAY AWAY… If you do not leave, I will not be responsible for any permanent brain damage done to you because of this story… The authors will.
Hans looked at what had been his friend and brother-in-law, Luke Skywalker. He was afraid of what had become of him, but he was more afraid of what Like was immediately trying to do. Namely, rip him and every one and everything else in the room apart. Luke had started doing strange things about a month ago.
Han knew Darth Vader, formally known as Anikan had died saving Luke. He also knew that Anikan Skywalker had buried his anger and hate until he could run no more. He turned to the dark side of the force. Han wondered if Luke was dong the same thing. Like father like son…
He was glad that Luke had apparently lost his concentration enough that he was unable to use the force, but Like hadn't lost his light saber skill. Anything but, he was slicing through all of the crates in the cargo bay and Han was beginning to remember that Leia had said something about a cargo of explosives coming in on this ship the Herald Starver. He knew that he had to stop him soon, before he found that cargo.
Han raced through the cargo hold after Luke.
"One thing for sure, this ship is a heck smaller then M.F." Han thought. Leia raced after Han. Any moment now and Luke would be upon the cargo. Han prayed for his life for the 1st time in his life. He was halfway there. A few more seconds…
We interrupt this explosion to bring you bad news: Grand Admiral Thrawn has taken over the Arco planetary system. Shipping of explosives will be stopped, since the empire will undoubtedly take them. We will now continue with our regular programming.
Han reached Luke in the few seconds time. For once he was glad they weren't on the M.F. Luke would have torn that baby apart. It already was wrecked . He didn't have time to worry about that though With a sudden dive he and Leia tumbled after him. They sent Luke flying across the ground. Luke hit the wall, and then blacked out…
Leia ran over to Luke and lifted him up.
"Help he, he's heavy," she said to Han. Han ran over and together they lifted him and carried him off the ship and into the docking bay. Heading to sickbay. They attracted a lot of attention considering that this wasn't the most friendliest ports to the New Republic. It was a smuggler port just like Mos Eisley.
They had just got off the ship and Chewbacca, C-3PO, and R2-D2 came running after. As soon as they had gotten off the ship it exploded. Han sighed with relief.
Editor note: I feel sorry for the pilot. Whaddya say we find out what's happening to Luke?
They all walked down to sickbay without further problems and arrived to find a beat up med-droid and a human medic that looked extremely buff. He was holding a nasty looking instrument.
"Halt. What is your business?" The human looking person asked?
"Why do you need to know?, Han asked.
"Because I rule here."
Leia bit her lip thoughtfully.
"We'll need a room somewhere." Han lied.
"Go to the Light Sabar Hotel"
Quick editor note: Yes, we did say "Sabar"
"I will pay your way." The man smiled evilly and then left.
"Are you sure we want to trust this freak?" Han asked.
Before anyone could answer the ceiling creaked then made the sound of strained metal.
"Uh-oh, I have a bad feeling about this." Han chimed in.
"Yes, I believe that the floor above us is not entirely stable." Threepio said.
Before Han could put in a sarcastic remark, the ceiling suddenly fell in, stopping all conversation of any except between Artoo and Threepio.
Han managed to climb out of the rubble. The floor above them had collapsed. Where was Leia? Threepio sat up. Artoo whistled loudly. Han's only concern was to find Leia.
Han glanced around. The first thing he saw was Luke. Sliced in half by a piece of ceiling. All day long Threepio, Artoo, and Han searched for Leia. Hot a trace. Han hadn't found Chewbacca either so he left.
Han decided that the best way to handle his best friends and his wife was really drunk. He was in the process of doing so at Threepio's expense when Luke walked up and said hi.
Han did a double take.
"Luke?" He asked.
"Yup. You don't have to do that." Luke said.
"Why not?"
"Because you can join me and Leia."
"Where is Leia?"
"I said you can join us…In death."
Luke pulled out his light saber.
Han can't die. He is the hero. Of course, so are Luke and Leia
Luke sliced downward through Han. Then Han gave out a viscous scream. The saber went right through him like a laser through Kraft Jell-O. Han looked down, expecting to see his insides, but it wasn't that bad. It was a lot better than it should have been, considering that he had just been sliced in half. He opened his shirt and saw…Nothing.
"Hey! Your dead, you can't hurt me!" Han said.
Luke was already gone, and Han was getting some real weird looks from the people in the bar.
Han decided to be on his way. "Come on" Hand said.
The two droids followed him. Where they were going, Han didn't know. They were following a yellow road.
Suddenly, about 5 minutes into the trek, a house dropped onto the road, crushing a manikin with ruby slippers. Then some singing ewoks appeared from nowhere.
"What the heck?" Han asked.
"You killed the wicked Leia." An ewok said.
Artoo whistled. Suddenly, in a puff of smoke, Luke appeared. Laughing.
"I'll get you, and your little droids too." Luke yelled.
"Don't tell me. That's the wicked Leia's brother, right." Han said.
"Yep" An ewok said.
After some conversation with the ewoks and the droids, Han decided to go back to the port and get a ride back to Corusant so he could get the falcon. He turned around and…it was gone!
Editor's note: Don't ask me, I have no idea either.
Finally Han decided to take an ewoks advice and follow the weird road. As a token of thanks he would find 3 weapons for the ewoks. There would be a few things waiting for him and the Ewoks would be there too. He had to find a gun. A light saber and a regular sword. Soon the Ewoks disappeared.
Han kept the blaster, gave the regular sword to Threepio, so he wouldn't cut himself up, and gave the saber to Artoo to stash in his spare compartment. Han didn't know if he would be any good with it.
"So what do you think we're doing here?" Han asked.
"Well, sir, as you know, I am completely fluent in over six million forms of communication, and while that has nothing to do with this, I do believe that we have been transported out or own fictitious story into another one." said Threepio.
"Then how do we get back?" said Han
Artoo beeped something.
"R2 said we should try and locate the Falcon." said Threepio.
"What does that have to do with trying to get back to?" Han wanted to know.
R2 whistled some more.
"He says he looked around the computer on your ship and something is there that will help us." Threepio said.
"Do we help the Ewoks or look for the ship?" Han asked.
"That, you master, must decide." Threepio said…
Suddenly Han realized an important fact, "How are we going to get off this planet if we're still in the 19th century?"
"Sir, I do believe that if we follow the exact trajectory of this "Yellow brick road" that we will arrive at both where the ewoks want us to go, and where R2's sensors say that there is a Tran dimensional warp."
"Great, we kill two birds with one shot…"
Soon Han was walking again. The road twisted a few times. Then finally he came to the end of the road, and the end of the rainbow.
"Sir, R2 says that past that rainbow his sensors detect ground, and it's solid as well."
Suddenly, as if sucked up by air they all flew over, past the rainbow. They landed on a ship.
A loud voice boomed, "Who's there?"
"Great, we landed even farther back in time. What is this thing anyway?" Han asked.
"I do believe that this is a sort of primitive water craft known as a galleon. It was widely used by bandits, treasure seekers, and…"
"Pirates! Argh!"
"Oh dear."
Ten scraggly men came up from a hatch and immediately took Threepio's sword, and disarmed Han as well. R2 shocked a few before they got sick of it, and simply threw him overboard.
Han grew frantic. Then R2, from the water, shot the light saber. Letting Han grab it.
Han had no idea how to use it, but he turned it on anyway. Threepio backed away shocked.
A pirate came forward and tried to start a duel by hitting his sword against Han's. Naturally the saber went right through the pirates sword. Han gave him a crooked smile and then announced a message to all present, "Let us go, or you all die!!"
"I don't think so captain Solo."
"Who are you? Where are you?"
"Right here." A man said as he walked down from what Han guessed was the Captain's quarters.
Han waved his light saber, warning him back.
"Captain, please…" The figure said as he pressed a button on his metal… Hand!? A light saber spewed forth. Han finally recognized the captain.
"Luke?"
"Aloha. Greetings to you." Luke said. Han tried to comprehend this.
"Leia's still alive." Luke said.
"Han please!" Leia yelled.
Han looked up. Leia was tied upon a flag.
"I'll finish my concern with you later" Han said.
Luke frowned. Han started climbing up the pole that led up to the flag…
"Climb? Doesn't that great Samuel Solo remember how to fly?"
"Fly? Luke, buddy, you've been out too long
"I don't have the force, remember?"
Han turned around in surprise as he heard a growl behind him. He turned to see…nothing. He kept looking around and he finally saw a half-inch wookie with wings.
"Chewbacca?" Han had almost forgotten about him. Chewbacca lifted Han up. They flew up the sail. Right to where Leia was. Chewbacca handed Han a sword, and he cut through the rope. Leia nearly fell, but Han caught her.
"Now you learn how to fly!" Luke yelled.
Chewbacca dropped Han and Leia.
"Uhh, now I wish I'd had a normal childhood so I knew some of these stories." Han said as he fell.
Han, not seeing any reason to have a bad death started going through his memories, with his eyes closed. He got a lot further through his life than he thought he would before he opened his eyes. When he did, he could barely see the ship, but he was still falling…
"I wonder how I got up here?" said Han.
Leia was frantic. Han had to calm himself down in order to calm her. So he started thinking good thoughts. Soon he and Leia were flying…
"All right this is just weird…I guess we'll make for that island." Han said gesturing to the right. He landed and walked around for a while until someone noticed him.
"Thanks Han. Luke was about to kill me. "Leia said.
"Why didn't he?" Han asked puzzled.
"He found out you were in these parts." Leia answered.
"Wonderful" Han said.
Han and Leia wandered around a while. Then they found a small rabbit hole. They both went through. They fell down, down, down…'til they landed with a thud.
Han looked around and saw things floating around. Bubbles, tables, chairs, all sorts of things. He and Leia went through a door and saw Chewie again, this time with a watch. He seemed to be running, tripping and singing. This was a hilarious sight, coming from a wookie.
Han chased after Leia. He just barely caught up to her.
"Chewbacca!"
"What?" Han saw a wookie.
"That's not Chewbacca." He said.
The wookie flew in closer, and Han saw that it really was Chewie.
"Chewie! What are you doing here?"
Chewie roared… Then left. Suddenly Alice, who was at least 9 or 10 showed up. Then Luke appeared as well.
"Read to the lost children Leia." Luke said.
"Huh?" Han asked.
"Let's go fly!" Luke yelled.
Luke grabbed Han and Leia. They flew up into the air.
"Convert the Ewoks," He yelled as they landed in the middle of a crowd of Ewoks, "Convert the Ewoks to the force, or die by the light saber."
Quickly Luke activated his saber. By now Han was convinced Luke was a maniac…
"Screw that… How about we all go kill some pirates?"
"Sure. How do we get there?" One of the Ewoks asked.
"Boats?"
He shook his head.
"Planes?"
"We only have three gliders."
"Okay. That does create a problem." Han said
"Well, we could make some." Leia said
"It takes three days just to make one…" the same Ewok said.
"What are we going to do?" Leia whined…
"Well we can walk."
"Oh. Yea!" Leia sarcastically.
"Well what do you suggest we do?" Han snapped.
"We could fly." Luke yelled.
Han blinked in surprise.
"Just think happy thoughts!" Luke yelled yet again.
Soon all the Ewoks began flying.
"This flying thing could get real old, real quick!" Said Han as he flew up.
An ewok pointed to the pirate ship, and they all landed. When they had arrived, the ship was completely deserted. The ewoks, being extremely dispirited basically said, "Oh well", and left.
Leia and Han walked around the ship. The found a hole on the bottom of the ship. Trying in desperation to lose Luke, they jumped through the hole. They found themselves…
Editor's note: Drum-roll please. *A drum rolls across the floor* Ha Ha, very funny. *Takes out the BIIIIIIG gun o' Tiki* Noow, let's try that again. Ahem, drum-roll please. *Drumroll*
Under the Sea!
That is enough for today. Need to take a break. I hope that at least one of you had enough sanity to loose to actually get down here…
Well c ya all later. And remember. Fear the Tiki.
Just so you know, everything marked as an editor's note is mine… That be all.
The end… For now…
Paum paum paaaum