AN: This fanfic is AU since it was written ages ago, when I had only seen the anime and not read the manga. I found a ton of old crap from that era while cleaning up my laptop recently. So here it is, heavily edited and posted at last...
Disclaimer: I do not own Gakuen Alice.
There's a flash of light so bright that it nearly blinds him. Someone is screaming in the distance and he's panicking. He tries to move forward and stumbles over something lying on the ground. It's suspiciously soft and with a sinking heart, he hopes that isn't anyone he knows. He steels himself to look. Brown hair. For a second, his heart stops but then he notices that it's much shorter than Mikan's. The girl's features are far sharper than his girlfriend's and her wide, glassy eyes are green. The relief he feels shames him and he hastily gets back up on his feet. Someone grabs his arm and he whips around, fire in his palm...
"Natsume! Natsume, wake up!" a voice called desperately. His arm was in a vice like grip. Slowly, he opened his eyes. Everything blurred together for a moment and then he saw Mikan's worried face hovering above his. He grunted to reassure her that he was indeed awake. She gave him a relieved smile but then her brows came together in an uncharacteristic frown.
"Are you all right, Natsume?" she asked quietly.
He got off the bed and stretched. "Morning to you too," he quipped but his heart wasn't in it and they both knew that.
He could hear the disappointment in Mikan's voice as she said, "I'm going to get us some tea."
Absently rubbing the stiff muscles of his neck, Natsume nodded. As she went away, he pushed back the curtains of their bedroom and looked at the scene below.
It was early but the street below was bustling with joggers, children, pet-owners and those poor souls who had just gotten off graveyard shifts. Automatically, he scanned it for anyone walking with the slightly tense gait of an Alice wielder forced to merge with the general population.
No one. He sat down heavily on the bed and sighed. It was almost a year now. A year since the Alice War had ended. A year since Natsume and Mikan had left the Academy. A year since the nightmare had ended. A year since his happily ever after should have started.
Mikan had slipped into this new peaceful, calm existence as easily a fish into water. But Natsume just couldn't seem to switch off his tightly wound nerves. He was constantly alert, looking for enemies in a blameless crowd. He still walked a little slower than usual, just in case the ground blew up in his face. He still slept holding Mikan protectively close, his body shielding hers. There were a million little things, none of them immediately apparent to a casual observer, which slipped past his determination to build a new life with Mikan.
She did her best to understand, to give him the time and space he said he needed. Backing away was not one of her strengths. Mikan preferred to talk things out with people or in her own case, cry them out. But she had tried and although she wasn't really as successful as she liked to believe, Natsume didn't have the heart to point that out to her. Not when she was already trying so hard to help him.
He heard her loud footsteps as she walked back to their room and his lips curved into a small smile. She was still as noisy, as obnoxious as she had been at 11. And he loved her for it.
"You tea."
She sat down next to him and he put an arm around her waist, drawing her closer.
"Natsume, you're going to make me spill my tea!" she scolded, although she scooted closer.
He pressed a light kiss on her rumpled hair and they just sat together for a while. Natsume tried to down his cup in one mouthful and nearly burnt his mouth. He silently cursed Anna for lending Mikan a book about the healing properties of tea. Now, whenever he woke up screaming, she made him the foul-tasting brew. He wasn't sure he didn't prefer the nightmares.
"What did you see?"
"Same old, same old," he said, pretending nonchalance.
She smacked his arm. "Natsume! Stop doing that! You're not letting me help you!"
"Trust me," he said dryly, lifting his cup. "This is help enough."
Her face brightened. "So it works?"
"No."
"Oh."
There was silence for a few more minutes. "But Natsume," said Mikan, a little hesitant. "What can I do?"
Keeping his cup down, he fell back on the bed. He decided to give honesty a shot. "I don't know."
She bit her lip and instantly, he felt guilty. She stood up, giving him a view far better than the one beyond the window and he gave an appreciative wolf-whistle. Mikan blushed.
"I'm going to meet Hotaru today. She's in town. Do you want to come along?"
He snorted. "I think I'll pass. Anyone else coming?"
"Koko said he might drop by later this week."
"In that case, I'll be leaving town later this week."
She laughed at that. The same carefree, genuine laughter that had initially attracted him and for a second his spirits soared crazily because he had been its cause. But then she left the room and after a few minutes, the warmth disappeared.
He pushed a pillow off the bed and kicked it to the corner of the room in frustration. He couldn't explain it, not even to himself. The unexplainable yearning had been eating him inside out for years. He couldn't even remember a time when he hadn't felt it. Yearning for... for what exactly? Safety? Comfort? Love? Friendship? Recognition? Money? A somewhat normal lifestyle? He had all that now, so why wouldn't the damn sensation just go away?
A low growl escaped Natsume's throat and a fireball appeared in his palm instantly. He clenched his fist idly and it was quenched. Then, with a deft movement of his fingers, it reappeared, flowing between them like a liquid. He had been told several times that his Alice was of the Fourth Type and should be used only in extenuating circumstances but the more often he heard it, the less he cared. His frequent use of his Fire was partly rebellion against the authority he despised, partly a comfort thing.
He had the day off from work, but he got dressed and dragged his unwilling feet outside anyway. He had always hated the fools who wallowed in self-pity and he was not going to join their ranks. He began to walk through the streets, relishing his anonymity in the crowd. For a moment, the desire to lose himself in it, to never go back home was overwhelming.
"Hey, Natsume!" A loud, irritatingly cheerful voice called through the crowd. "I figured it had to be you. No one else could possibly have such mental instability."
"Koko. You're early," he said through gritted teeth. He didn't bother to voice his displeasure, knowing that the mind reader would figure it out anyway.
A group of gorgeous girls, obviously heading for a day of shopping passed by and Koko let out a loud whistle. "This is a beautiful place you and Mikan picked," he said appreciatively.
"If you still do that, now that you're with Sumire, I'm surprised that you have any limbs left."
"Some things are worth life and limb," he replied cheekily. "Hmm... the one on the left thought I looked cute. And the other four are infatuated with you of course. Which proves who the most intelligent one is of course."
"The one on the right?" Natsume suggested.
"Arrogance is not a very attractive trait. I wonder how Mikan puts up with it."
"Actually, I'm quite humble. Which is rare in persons of my genius."
Natsume could feel himself lightening up as their friendly banter continued and a hint of gratitude crept into his thoughts. This was why Koko was a part of their group, despite being younger than any of them. This was the reason why he managed to make the impossible Sumire Shouda fall in love with him despite all the odds being stacked against him. In the end, Koko was simply very good at making people feel good and his ability to read their minds was just a small part of his talent.
"It won't go away like you're hoping, Natsume," Koko said, suddenly serious.
Natsume's shoulders tensed.
"I'm not saying that it'll never go away," he added hastily, observing this. "But it will take time."
"How long?" There was a hint of desperation in the other boy's voice.
"As long as it takes. This yearning in you, Natsume... I noticed it the first time I met you. It's always at the back of your mind and it affects almost everything you do in some way or the other. But it hurts you too, doesn't it?"
Natsume nodded.
"It only does that because it's a part of you yet you don't accept it. You can't accept yourself Natsume and that's what's hurting you. You can't accept that you survived the Academy. Every time you look at Mikan your thoughts are tinged with wonder. Wonder that she's even talking to the monster that you perceive yourself to be."
"Koko," said Natsume, his voice deceptively calm and a smell of burning ozone in the air. "Are you trying to say that I'm insecure?"
His friend's mischievous face lit up in ready laughter and he backed away, arms raised in mock defence. When he had reached a safe distance, he shouted, "Don't shoot the messenger! Just remember that your best qualities indirectly spring from your..." He broke off and ducked as a playful fireball passed within a few inches of his head, obliterating a single strand. "Next time Mikan wants a favour for you, I'll send her to Mochu,' he promised before running away.
Natsume stood watching his retreating form for a few minutes and then looked up at the sky. The sun was shining.
AN: Um... watcha think? I tried to make it fit the manga a little more but I didn't want to completely rewrite the old one.
Also, would anyone like to see any more of my old fics? (post MAJOR editing, of course.)