Guilty

A Death Note fanfiction

Rating: M (dark themes)

"I don't know this guy!"

That instant, I came to know true despair and those words are what triggered it. My God, whom I once held so high, denounced me. In a matter of seconds, he reduced me to a flea.

I felt my body sink below the surface of the earth. My chest hurt and it got harder to breathe. My mind was racing, thoughts flooding my mind non-stop.

I believe in this moment, I truly experienced what it was like to have my life flash before my eyes. Not just the things that were, but the things that could have been.

I had grown up doing what I thought deep in my soul to be right. I protected the weaker, I stood up for the voiceless. This is what I had thought my God's intentions were as well. I resonated with his ideals for a more perfect society. All the criminals should be punished. Crime rates even went down. He was making a perfect world, one that I could live in. I was a prosecutor, for christ's sake. My entire career was based on these ideas. My whole existence was based on these ideas. I so ardently believed in what was right and good. My god showed me how to make a difference. He showed me how to do something bigger about it. It was nothing compared to putting people away in jail. This time, I was taking their lives. I was deleting their existence from this world. They were scum, I did not question it.

And yet, in this moment, I questioned it. I doubted.

I had...killed people for this man. I did so without question, because I thought it was necessary for this world. For all to prosper, some must be punished.

However, even I should have known that at the very base of things was the fact that I had killed people. Pages and pages of names.

I had killed. I had blood on my hands.

And it was all for nothing. My god denounced me. He threw me to the side as though I were worse than scum. I no longer existed to him. Then, what had I done this for?

Everything I had done up until now: what was it all for? Was it worth it, Teru? Was this scum of a god worth following into the depths of hell?

I killed and I have just been killed myself. To have it all be for nothing, I...

My god was right. I no longer existed. I was a pawn and my time of use was up. I no longer had meaning in the world. It feels so dark and alone. For once in my life, I can actually feel myself losing control of my body.

I have little sanity left and a loss of desire to live with myself. It is cold and dark inside my mind now. A curtain has been laid over my existence and I am alone.

It was over; I am over. To be deleted, just like those people I deleted. We all share the same fate.

I had hoped that I was above them though. That somehow my following of god would make me a better person. After all, I was doing "good", right? Or at least that's what I truly believed at the time. Yet now I know it was all for naught. I will be in the same place as them. I am scum just like them. In the eyes of death, we are all the same.

My god...my god...why have you forsaken me?

Mother, I am sorry.