Chapter 1: Yee Gods

Carpe Diem

If only Buffy Summers had never given her that advice. The first time Willow took that advice, she was kidnapped by a vampire. The second time she took that advice, Willow had sex with Alexander Harris.

The moment had started innocently enough.

Xander and Willow were trying on clothes for their Homecoming dance, the first dance of their senior year. Willow was nervous, and didn't think she could properly dance. Xander was in his full suit and bowtie. It was the most handsome Willow had ever seen Xander, even topping the military costume he had worn for Halloween a couple years ago. She had a list that documented each of Xander's most handsome moments. She made it simply out of boredom one day in her journal. Looking at Xander in his Homecoming suit, Willow felt a desperate urge to update that list.

She'd been in love with Xander for as long as she'd known him, but he had never seen her as more than his best friend. She had always wanted more, and that's why she didn't stop him from kissing her. This was a dream she had longed for way before meeting Oz. Oz and Cordelia in this moment felt like long faded memories.

When they pulled away from the kiss, Willow was excited by the way Xander was looking at her. He wanted more. She wasn't sure he would ever feel this way about her.

That's when the advice Carpe Diem echoed in her thoughts, and she took another dangerous leap against his lips. It was as if Xander Harris was seeing her for the first time.

When Xander woke up, Willow was gone. He groaned, pulling the blanket over his head. Everything in his life was about to change and he wasn't ready to deal with it yet.

He laid in his bed and replayed the memories from last night with his hand moving along his shaft, before he was awake enough to analyze how wrong this all was. Willow was so soft and gentle. Her whispers and moans against his ear were an ego boost that aroused him. But he couldn't forget her eyes. She stared at him with water-filled eyes, expressing both a fear and longing that mirrored his own. She had always been his best friend but he could finally see that his love for her was so much bigger than that. It was so obvious and in front of his face and yet he never saw it coming.

It wasn't until he hopped in the shower that he saw the blood. It wasn't his but it might as well have been because he wasn't a virgin anymore either. This was the moment his guilt started to sink in.

Willow opened the drawer of her night stand and between a rubber band, loose hair pins, a stapler, stray paper clips some gnawed pens and a bag of sage, she still couldn't find her journal.

The aroma of fresh lemons spread quickly through the house. Her mother was making fresh lemonade for a couple of friends coming over this afternoon. Willow saw from her bedroom window that her father was doing lawn work. When he turned on the lawn mower, she couldn't hear herself think and left to find her mother almost bumping into her in the hallway.

"Hi, Mom."

The nice china in her mother's hands shook in response. "Oh, Willow!" She regained her balance, taking a deep breath and relaxing her shoulders. "I didn't know you were home. Why aren't you with Xander or Betty?"

Willow was tired of correcting her mother so she let it slide, but it irritated Willow that her mother would not properly learn her best friend's name.

"I have homework. I'm going to the library."

"Oh good. You do that." Her mother nodded and turned back toward the kitchen, carrying the expensive china carefully with her. "Before you leave, can you help me grab the rest of the plates in that cupboard?"

Willow knew this wasn't a question and helped her mother carry the rest of her fancy dishes into the kitchen.

"Have fun with your friends," Willow called out as she headed to the door.

"Bye, Willow." Her mom said without another glance.

Outside, Willow's father turned off the lawn mower and spread his arms wide to give his daughter a hug.

"Good morning, Wills."

The only other person who called her that was Xander. Her smile faded.

Ira Rosenburg was a tall, lanky man with a smile as large as Willows. He also shared his large green eyes with his daughter. His graying hair was tucked under his torn faded baseball cap and sweat dampened his clothes in it's usual places. Willow loved her father very much. The only problem was that he wasn't home very often. Being an E.R. doctor kept him busy and away at all hours. He loved Willow very much, but never seemed to notice he was missing out on so much of her life. Her parents were very much in love and in a seemingly successful relationship, despite the fact that they seemed like polar opposites. Her father was passionate and full of life while her mother was very independent and kept mostly to herself. Willow needed these happy moments with her father in order to survive the cold shoulder from her mother.

"Hi, Daddy!"

"You look good today," he said, grabbing her by the shoulders and studying her from head to toe. "Are those new clothes?"

"I got a haircut," Willow corrected, not wanting to explain that this was the same she wore the same khakis and red, orange print shirt yesterday. She nervously pulled her sleeves past her hands. "I wanted to try something new for my senior year."

"Senior year already?" He placed the palm of his hand on the top of her and jostled her hair around. "You're growing up fast, Squirt."

Willow said nothing. She brought her sleeves to cover her mouth and faked a smile.

"Well, I like this new look, Wills." He put his hands back on the lawn mower, indicating that he needed to get back to it. "Where are you headed off to?"

"Library. Homework."

"That's my girl. Oh wait just a moment…" Mr. Rosenburg stuffed a hand into his pocket and pulled out a couple of twenties for Willow. "Your mom's having some friends over this evening , so why don't you get yourself something to eat while you're out?"

"Okay."

Willow thanked her dad, giving him a kiss on the cheek before starting her long trek to the high school. She stuffed the money into her wallet along with all of the other twenties her dad had given her over the years. He always found an excuse to hand over cash but she rarely used it. Only when she had no other option. Mostly she was saving it. She didn't know for what, only that she'd know it when she saw it. But Willow didn't really want anything, except maybe a ride to school.

*HONK HONK*

Willow looked over her shoulder, recognizing the van immediately. She panicked, not expecting to see Oz so soon after… with Xander …

She placed the wallet back into her pocket and stopped to face the van as it drove up to her. She became pale.

"Need a ride?" Oz smiled, obviously pleased to see her. His hair was up in spikes today, and a band logo was plastered on his shirt. He reached over opening the car door for her.

"Where are you going?"

"The library."

Knowing it would be strange not to accept the invitation, Willow got inside the van. The last thing she wanted was for Oz to think anything was wrong before she had the chance to figure it out herself. She attempted to keep spirits up by kissing his cheek and felt an awful stab of guilt after pulling away.

Oz didn't notice anything off about Willow except for the smell. He recognized a smell on her but couldn't place it.

"Didn't you wear that yesterday?" Oz pointed out.

"Oh, uh… yes. I was up late. Couldn't sleep."

"Everything okay?"

"Mhmm…" She nodded. "Just did some writing."

"Your fanfiction?"

Willow nodded again, taking the explanation he handed her. "Wait," she paused, "How did you know about my fanfiction?"

"You told me about it on our first date." Oz reached out and intertwined their fingers. "I think you were nervous. You were saying a lot and talking rather fast."

"I can't believe you remember." Willow was again reminded of the perfect boyfriend she had. She squeezed his hand, willing to erase the awful thing she had done.

"Does that mean you are finally finishing your Doogie Howser fanfiction?"

Willow nodded. Stretching her lips tightly, she felt too ashamed to speak but hoped he would end the conversation there.

"Well, I hope things work out for Vincent and Janine." He was being way encouraging. There was that perfect boyfriend thing again.

"What are you doing today?" Willow was desperate to get away from the conversation and her guilt.

"The band and I are setting up for Homecoming tonight. We'll be rehearsing and organizing the set list. I think we may have also agreed to help decorate with the Homecoming committee, but I wasn't too clear on that." He parked in the empty school lot and leaned over to give her a real kiss.

Oz realized part of the mystery smell was her arousal, but he didn't say anything about it to not embarrass his Willow. But he liked it. He kissed her a little more harshly than he intended and pulled away quickly hoping she wouldn't notice. What ever Vincent and Janine were doing was probably a little more x-rated than Willow was letting on. But to be fair, Willow wasn't letting on much. She seemed distracted and Oz could only imagine why. He knew his inhuman sense of smell was an invasion of privacy, and unfair to Willow. So Oz didn't pressure her for more information. He wanted her to talk to him about sex when she was comfortable and ready. Oz smiled instead, playing it cool.

"I can't wait to see you at the dance tonight."

Willow made the mistake of looking into his loving eyes when he said that. She watched him carefully. Oz was lost in the beauty of her green eyes and small thin lips, not noticing how scared she was. Slowly she couldn't help herself because his stare made her weak. He deserved everything, and she wanted to give it to him. She smiled wide. Cheeks raised.

"I can't wait to see you, too," she finally said.