Title: Un phantasma tra noi (A ghost between us)
Author: Mika
Beta: thethirdstone
Band: The Gazette, Dir En Grey
Pairing: Reita x Kyo / Akira x Toru
Rating: PG13
Genre: Angst, romance
Chapters: One shot
Warning: None
Disclaimer: If I owned them, you'd be reading real-life photographed yaoi...
Summary: Who is it that you want to reach?
Notes: .... I don't have anything to say, really. Please comment

I always stand behind all the hundred fans of yours that cramped up in this intimate live house, all the way in the back of the room, leaned against the wall and I see you from all the way back here. My eyes are locked on you and they never leave you. Time and time again will I wonder what are you stretching your arms out for? To me it looks like you're trying to reach for something, maybe someone. Who is it that you want to reach? For whom do you extend your arm and blindly search for? When you take the microphone away from your mouth and you scream until you're out of air, your strong voice clings in my ears so crystal clear. Who are you screaming for? To which person among the millions and more that live in this life are you calling out to? Who is this person that makes you scream out in painful shrills and stretches out your hand all the way to your fingertips, who is it that you want?

This someone who can even make you cry, I want to know.. I want to walk into your mind and find some answers in your chaos. My heart is cringing and twisting in bitter pain as I see your retreating hand. I laugh. Yeah, I laugh. I laugh at what I think by myself. Because once the song ends and another starts, the moment is gone, and it's like it was never was there. I'm left with only my thoughts to which I find no roots. So I laugh at myself for thinking something that seems too impossible to even be remotely real. And then the magic fades away.

In defeat, I smile and I laugh, I let my head fall down as you leave the stage. Your eyes are always so deeply fierce, and even as you cast glances all around you, it's like you're looking at something that's not there, trying to find something, but it's never there, so you keep thrashing your head both left and right and whatever angle it possibly can go. Defeat clear on your face, you quickly leave the stage, and that's it. It's the same for these as for any other fans at any other live, once you turn away from them and they realize you're not coming back, and with tearful voices they chant with glimmer of hope that today will be one lucky day where you come back out again to give them an encore.

I put my hat back on and some sunglasses and I leave the crowd. I know today is just another day that you won't do that encore everyone so desperately wishes you to do.

Outside it's darker than when I arrived, the air has turned colder and I don't wait around to zip up my jacket or to even pull out my pack of cigarettes that you can always find in my pockets because I never know when life turns around to slap me in the face. Or simply when the pressure get's too high and I need something to take the stress away. I put the lighter away once I lit up and I take a long drag, feeling more relaxed. Closing my eyes in delight, exhaling and watching the stream of smoke disappear against the night sky.

I turn around so I can get a final look at the small club I had just spent some agonizing time in, I take another deep drag and then I see you standing right in front of me. I feel like I'm about to choke, I quickly exhale and just stand there staring at you, dumbfounded.

With your hands buried deep in your pockets and half of your face covered by a black scarf, I see how you shift from one foot to the other and you look rather nervous. I can see how you shiver ever so slightly and I think it must be really cold for you. I feel a strong need to just wrap my arms around you and warm you up, give you gentle kisses. But I won't budge from my spot and so all I can do is stare at you and try not to think. Golden locks fall around your face and you don't look as worn out like on stage. No sweat trailing down your cheeks and your hair looks like it always does, perfect and beautiful.

You move again, a slow walk, and you step forward, coming closer to me. I snap out of the trance and take one step backwards. Even if you walk in my direction, it can't be me you're looking at, it can't be me you're walking towards. I try to walk away, but my feet won't move and...

"Akira."

... you call my name so that I definitely won't have will power to move anymore, anywhere. The name rolls from your tongue sweetly, and my heart is beating in my ears. I try to sharpen my senses to know if you're coming closer or if you've stopped behind me.

Insecure, I turn around and you stand so close to me my heart jumps up throat and I can't swallow or force it to slow down and fall back to its place. With your face all up in mine and our bodies almost touching, not a breath is between us. I dropped my cigarette when I heard you call out and I could not even care less about it.

"Toru."

I whisper back at you with as much intensity as you always have. Holding my breath still as my fingers twitch, longing to stroke your cheek. Your handsome face that I've only gotten to look at from afar for so long now. You drown me in the black pool of your eyes and I don't mind if you hold me down there. Silence wraps around us and merges with the evening. Inside, the fans haven't given up on you, cars are still passing by on the road and someone on a break is chatting with a cheery smile by the entrance. But none of those things matters when you're standing here. You who I always wonder about and never can find answers to, a mystery of high quality. And your head must be like a maze we can't find the center of. Many times have I walked away from you because I can't find the right door to open. I would give more than just a penny for your thoughts...

I don't know what I can say to you. Something that can make you look at me. Words that will make you want to extend your arm and let your hands entwine with mine. Anything that will make you love me like I always have loved you. Did you ever love me back? On those late nights behind locked doors in a world hiding behind the sun and the life is lead in shades. Those painful kisses and languid touches. Lusty words and hurried movements.

Time takes everything away slowly, swallows it and you'd leave me behind. Is there anything I can say, that will make you love me the same? Can your love be true, and can you say that you love me like I want you to?

It's not my hand that gets to cup your cheek and hold in my hand, let my thumb run over a cheek and wipe away the unwilling tears. It's you who, for once, let your hand reach me and take my pain away. With calloused fingers rubbing my cheek I cry at the bitter me and wonder when..

But then you kissed me and I realized for real, that your magic never falters, never dies.