It broke my heart to write this. It really did. I couldn't seem to write anything happy last night… and, I guess similar thoughts that Jo has in this story were swimming in my head. Not all of them, only some. But I'm okay guys. :) Writing this made me feel better. And if you're having a bad day, I hope it does the same to you.
Know that all of you out there are special in your own way. Some of us may not know it, but there is someone who is always looking out for you and wishing you the best. You know, besides God. :) None of you are alone nor invisible. I see you. I hear you. And if you ever need to talk, just know that I would be happy to chat with you through PMs. It can be about anything really. Just know that I'm here for you.
Now, a Happy Birthday to the birthday twins! Or as some call them; Barbie and Ken. :D Happy Birthday to Kendall Schmidt and Katelyn Tarver! 22 and 23… WOW. *sniffles* Anyone want some chocolate cake with white frosting? It has rainbow sprinkles! :D
There was this mask she put over herself every day. She would smile and laugh; try to act tough for everyone around her. She tried to be something she had once been, but that someone was no longer there. That someone was gone, replaced by the new her. Someone she despised with all her being. Someone she wanted to destroy.
The happiness was no longer there. The sunlight shining in her eyes was gone. Her heart beat for no reason whatsoever. In her eyes, there was no reason to keep going in life. No reason to breath, to smile, or laugh.
No reason to live.
There were times when she just wanted to end it all. Times when she just wanted to grab the bottle with pain killers and shove the little pills into her hands, before swallowing them all at once. Times when she wanted to take one of the kitchen knives into her hands and slice it through her pale skin until she bled to death. Times when she just wanted to be run over by a bus and never awaken from the darkness that came with being in a coma.
To put it shortly; there were times in her life when she just wanted to die and give up on everything and everyone. Because really, she felt like no one would care if she was gone.
She had once been told to just kill herself; that no one would care if she died. That no one would miss her and that everyone's lives would be much better without her in them. Hearing those words had hurt, and at first she had fought her best to ignore them and put them in the back of her mind. But after everyone started ignoring her, it all came and hit her back in the face.
That was when she started to believe they were true.
Pain; it started in her heart and blossomed throughout her whole body. Her eyes shifted from one item to the other, both of which were lying on the floor in front of her. She couldn't decide which one she wanted to choose to end what should have never started.
Sniffling, she pushed a strand of blonde hair away from her face and let it stay situated behind her right ear. Silent crocodile tears leaked from her chocolate brown eyes and slid down her pale and shallow cheeks. She could no longer hold her emotions back. They were too much to bear.
Her hands shook as she unwrapped her arms from around her knees and took a hold of both objects, bringing them closer to her face. She wondered which one would be more painful. Which one would make her suffer the most? She was sure she deserved to suffer. Her existence was a mistake.
She was a mistake. A mistake that should have never been born in the first place. A mistake that deserved to die and rot in Hell forever and never experience anything that had to do with happiness.
She decided to use the pills. The white, little pills that had once brought her pain relief were now going to be the things that caused her an unbearable pain.
Holding back a sob, she opened the lid of the little, golden container and tipped it over until she had a handful of pills in her palm. She curled her fingers around them and held them in place, waiting for the right moment to bring them to her mouth.
But that moment never came.
Right when she was about to raise her hand, the door to the bathroom swung open. She looked up with glossy eyes and stared back at the one person she never wanted to see again. His face was frozen in fear as he looked down at her. His feet were glued to the floor. She spoke no words; her actions spoke more than words ever would.
"I'm sorry," she whispered and brought the pills to her shaking lips. But just as her lips brushed against the while tablets, a hand slapped at her own, sending the pills flying in all different directions. The white demons went toppling to the blue tiled floor and rolling down this way and that. A tiny sob slid from her lips at seeing them fall. "Why?"
He sat down beside her, to her left. Without saying a word, he wrapped both of his arms around her and cradled her to his chest. She could feel his slender fingers running through her dirty blonde hair as his other hand rubbed soothing circles against her shaking back. She couldn't help but curl herself against him; clenching her hands into tiny fists around the front of his red t-shirt.
"Don't cry. It's okay, it's okay. You're okay. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere," he whispered against her ear. She could clearly hear the way his voice shook with fear. Even without looking up at him, she could tell that he was crying. She too was crying.
"I-I'm such a mess," she croaked out. Her eyes closed shut, but the tears continued to roll down her face. The tension in the room grew after those words were said. It was so quiet in the tiny room that she could hear his heart beating against his chest.
His hand moved to cup her face in it. He gently lifted her face upwards so that she was now looking him in the eyes. "Listen to me. You are NOT a mess. You have never been one and never will be." His voice was stern yet gentle all at once. It was clear that he cared about her, she just didn't know why.
"You don't know me, Kendall. You don't know me well enough to say that. And… even if you were right, what does it matter? I'm a mess in everyone's eyes anyway." She pulled away from his grasp and buried her face against his chest. "I don't want to feel this way anymore. I feel so… worthless. You should've… You should've let me die."
His jade green eyes turned dark with anger. "Why would I? That would make me as much of a monster as the rest. Besides," he lifted her chin up once more and cracked a smile, "that would mean that an innocent life would have been wasted. You don't deserve for your life to be cut short, Jo. You're beautiful, both inside and out. How I wish you knew."
A small smiled tugged at her lips. "I could say the same thing about you."
He smiled back at her; his eyes lighting up with some sort of happiness. "Aww shucks! That's so sweet of you to say!" He grinned when he heard her giggle. Mission accomplished.
Still holding her against him, he leaned down and kissed the top of her head. He then leaned his head to the side of her face, his warm breath tickling her ear. "I love you, buddy. You know that, right?" Not receiving a response, he caringly brushed back her blonde curls in order to see her face better. He grinned at the sight of her asleep in his arms, with a little smile on her face.
Deciding the bathroom floor was not the best place to fall asleep; he took her into his arms and walked into her room. Gently, he pulled back her soft, fluffy pink blanket and laid her down on the bed, tucking the soft material over her. Not wanting to leave her alone, he crawled in beside her and took some of the blanket for himself.
For once she looked happy. The saddened look she always held was replaced by that of childhood innocence. He couldn't help but smile at that. Finally, he could sleep in peace, knowing his cover girl was safe from harm's way.
Not gonna lie; I almost killed Jo at some point. But come on, I've killed her once. I don't wanna do it again! Or do I? *Evil Laugh* Hehe. What were your thoughts? Did you LIKE it? LOVE it? HATE it? LOATHE it? Let me know in a review! Thank you!
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)