Der Pony
(Aqua Teen Fanfiction, decided to do a second one, actually inspired by Adult Swim! Enjoy!)
Frylock groaned slowly as he dragged his...carton, into the home. It was Five in the morning and he had just finished his shift at Ooga-Burger, the store with the cave-man theme. He tossed his uniform some random place he would uncover in the morning, and collapsed onto the recliner. Shake was out...somewhere...God only knew...actually, he probably wouldn't, knowing all the weird crap they got into...
Suddenly, he heard a sharp buzzing sound come from his room...wondering what it could possibly be, he rose up to his...well...he rose up and floated his way down the hallway to his room...
There was another one of his roommates, Meatwad, furiously shoving what appeared to be pamphlets into a high tech chamber that while similar in appearance to the chamber from The Fly it was of a totally different function. The chamber was alive with cackling energy, lightning bolts shooting around inside of the room, which miraculously didn't seem to ignite anything inside of the room.
"Meatwad, what are you doing! It's 5:06 in the morning!" Frylock said, somehow realizing this without looking at a clock...He was brilliant though, so it probably explained it.
"Well, I really need ta get these ol' pamphlets out, for Shake. He said that 'No task was too important, no amount of sleep was too off task to get these pamphlets around town.' "
Frylock just hovered there for a second before sighing. "And why were you throwing pamphlets in here?" Although trying to be as calm as possible with the child-like nature of the meat, the frustration was rising in the carton's voice.
"Well, Shake said that, well, I already told you that part. And I was like 'It's four A.M in the morning Shake! I aint going out to give pamphlets.' Then he told me that you had a teleporter straight from The Fly, so I figured I could use it to distribute these pamphlets all over town."
Frylock rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fry. "Meatwad, this isn't a teleporter. This is a time machine..."
Meatwad blinked as he looked up at the floating carton of fries, then smiled. "Like outa Quantium Leap? Do de do de do de do!"
"NO, MEATWAD! Like CAUSING A DISTURBANCE IN HISTORY SORT OF TIME MACHINE!" Frylock shouted, as Meatwad recoiled from the noise.
"God almighty-It's Five in the morning!" A rather annoyed Shake came into the room, wearing a sleeping cap, and that alone. Of course that was pretty normal in the home.
"Frylock was being mean and sayin-waid a minute, why am I tellin' you this stuff Shake! I have really, truly lost my mother-lovin' mind if I ask you for help!"
"Meatwad, shut up. Frylock, tell me what the hell is going on then shut up, because it is 5 A.M in the morning and I need my sleep if I am to keep this nice figure!" Shake said, looking right at Frylock.
"Shake, this is a time machine! Meatwad has been stuffing pamphlets in that, supposedly, you told him to stuff in!"
"Well, for one it isn't a Time Machine, it's a teleporter...duh!"
"Shake, I BUILT THE DAMN THING I OUGHTA KNOW WHAT IT DOES!"
"But clearly, you don't. Because if you did, then we wouldn't be having this argument."
Frylock raised an eyebrow. "What the hell does that mean!"
"It means you don't know!"
Lowering his brows, Frylock again replied to the cup. "It means you're a dumbass!"
"It also means that you should shut up and both of yall go to sleep...I put some pamphlets in a teleporter, nearly start world war three..." Meatwad said as he rolled out of the room...
As Shake and Frylock left whilst arguing, and a single boot stuck out from the portal...
The Next day, Frylock growled as he floated off towards his room...
"Great, had to wait for him to go back to sleep before I could finish...figur-"
Frylock was stopped short as a rifle barrel, specifically a K98 barrel, was aimed at him, held by an angry member of the Weichmart circa 1942...
"...Whoa, Whoa! Who the hell are you!"
"Who I am ist of none of your concern, Americana! Der Oberfurher requests your presence..."
Frylock rose an eyebrow "Der Oberfurher?"
"Did I shtutter? Move, now!"
He was waved on with the gun, and Frylock floated into his room...
There in the room stood four other Weichmart officers, and who could best be described as the greatest criminal in the history of all time...
Adolf Hitler, little moustache and gelled-hair and all stood there in Frylocks room...
Frylock had seen aliens with the intelligence of pinecones and who looked the part, rude pixilated moon-people and even 5000 metal birds with the mind-set of the T-850. But not even in his wildest industrial fume induced visions could have seen this.
"Are you...Meatwad?" Hitler said as he put a cigarette to his lips.
"No...And you can't smoke in here..." Frylock replied as he waved away the smoke.
"Oh, I cant? Vell then, I will once I get permission from your bullet riddled corpse!" Hitler shouted, raising his Luger.
At that point, the soldiers aimed their weapons and Frylock went back a little.
"But you are a guest, I suppose..."
Normally, Frylock wouldn't take this, but this could alter history...not that this already wasn't altering it, but he wasn't going to be mentioned in this screw up...
"Hey Frylock, are these Burritos fat free, becau-" Shake said as he looked into Frylocks room seeing Adolf Hitler and five soldiers standing in Fry lock's room.
"...I think I'm just gonna wing it."
"YOU, BEERSTIEN PERSON!" Hitler shouted as he pointed his finger at him.
"Ugh, god I'm a milkshake, you fruit loop..."
"NO-ONE SPEAKS TO THE FURHER LIKE THAT!" One of the soldiers said, taking out a large bayonet and pointing it at Shake, who cowered next to Frylock.
"Halt, he may be zis...Meatwad we are looking for..."
Shake smiled "Hey Meatwad. Some friends of yours are here!"
"Damnit Shake!"
"Oh boy some friends! I'm gonna tell Vanessa and Dewey about this!" Meatwad quickly rolled into the room with Vanessa in one hand and Dewey in the other.
"GRENATEN!" One of the soldiers shouted as he blew the top off of Vanessa.
"Dumpkopf! How many times must I tell you, APPLES ARENT EXPLOSIVES!"
"Forgive me, oberfurher!" He said, as he committed suicide with his own pistol...Shake, Frylock and Meatwad starred, wide-eyed at the dead solider bleeding out on the floor...
"...Dat what you get for shooting Vanessa..." Meatwad said quite firmly.
"Ahnyvwhay...Are you zis, Meatwad I have been trying to get to?"
"Yessur, that's me."
"Ah, wundabar! Vaht sort of ponies do you breed here?"
Meatwad sorta stared blankly for a minute as Shake stormed forward.
"No, don't talk to him that is my bisnuess! I made that, I own the ponies, an-"
Hitler himself pointed a pistol at Shake. "Beerstien, shut up before I put a bullet in that ungrateful sewer trap!"
"I'm not a beerstien you yo-yo!"
Frylock then immediately floated between them. "Gu-Guys! Listen...lets all cool down...nothing is wrong here...and I am afraid you are wrong, Hitler, we d-"
"DER OBERFURHER IS NEVER EVER WRONG!"
"Vhould you shut up Hans!"
"Forgive me, mein furher!"
"If you shoot yourself, I swear to myself I'm going to kill you..." Hitler said, as he glared at Hans.
"Jawhol..." Hans said, somewhat saddened...He was a sensitive young man.
"Anyway...He is correct, I am never wrong." Hans brightened up at that.
"I will stay here until I get ze pony ride offered in the pamphlets!"
Frylock looked at Shake. "I told you this was gonna happen, why do you gotta mess with everything I build!"
Shake rolled his eyes. "Because, it's mine to, I am the co-creator."
"Your not a co-anything!" Frylock said in a whispered shout
"I'm the owner of my own bisnuess!"
"Shut up the both of you, your both starting to irritate me!" Hitler screamed as he waved his gun around. It went off and a bullet hit Frylock's computer.
"Vwhoops...Heh, I did not know mien pistol had such a hair trigger..."
Frylock glared.
"Well...What are you doing here anyway? What do you want a pony ride for?"
Hitler sighed. "...I have a public outing that will likely be recorded, and well, I need to ride a horse..."
"And?"
"I AM GETTING TO IT, IT'S A VERY HARD SUBJECT FOR ME TO DISCUSS!" Hitler straightened his collar before speaking again.
"I...I am afraid of horses...LAUGH AND I BLOW YOUR...FRIES...OFF..."
"Okay, okay! Cool down...It's alright, I happen to be afraid of spiders myself."
"Afraid of spiders! You! HAH! That's one of the most pathetic thin-"
"Shake, there is a garden gnome behind you..."
"WHAT! WHERE, IT TRIED TO BITE ME, GET IT OFFA ME!" Shake said as he ran out...
"Anyvhway...I need to make this outgoing...So I need someone to give me Pony lessons...Pony's are smaller, and thus, less scary..."
Meatwad smiled. "Shoot, Mister Smacker."
"Mein name iz Hitler, Adolf Hitler!"
"Okay then Mister Whamer."
"Gah, just get zis over with!"
"Okay, Hitler. Dis here is Jessica. He's a good pony and wont bite you or, do that thing you said...With your butt." Meatwad said, smiling as he looked to his prized purebred Pony...
Hitler picked up the chewed up pink toy and threw it rather harshly at Meatwad's head.
"THIS IZ NO PONY! THIS IZ ONLY A SIGN OF YOU NOT TAKING MIEN REQUEST SERIOUSLY!"
Frylock sighed as he watched Hitler and Meatwad 'play'.
"Shake, you knew this wasn't going to work, right?...Shake? Shake, where are you?" Frylock said, as he floated into the house...Passing the four soldiers in the kitchen who were drinking all of the good Heineken. The fifth was passed out on the floor, muttering something about a dead mushroom.
Shake was standing in the hallway, with a smile on his face.
"Frylock, I got our pony problem solved! You can thank me later." Shake said with a smile as he presented him with a purebred, and very real Mongolian Pony.
"Shake, where the hell did you get this!" Frylock asked, immediately questioning the morals of the acquisition of the pony...But considering the circumstances, he let it pass.
"You know what, never mind...I just want Hitler and his boys out of here." Frylock said with a groan.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. Those drunken bastards swallowed up my good beer..." Shake said with a sigh.
"It wasn't yours Shake. I was saving that for...I was saving that!" Frylock said with a grumble, again just wanting to get this over with...
However...An angry looking soon stepped out of the Time Machine. He looked around before moving forward...as did about two hundred Mongol soldiers...
"Ah...Y-Yes...I am your master, I am the master of the master race...SEIK HEIL!" Hitler said, practicing his salute for five seconds before suddenly clinging to the horse again.
"That's good, Hitler! Don't be afraid of the pony, he don't eat people!"
Frylock sighed again as he watched Hitler and Meatwad. Shake was next to him, smirking.
"See? I told you my bisnuess was going great!"
"Yeah, all at the cost of the time space continuum..." Frylock said, sipping some tea. He hated tea. Especially now, as he couldn't get drunk from it and pass out...
Quite suddenly, there was a battle cry from inside the house. Gunfire went off as about two or three hundred screaming Mongols ran out of the house and to the back yard. Riding atop of a beautiful white horse, wearing the robes and armor of a Mongol Khan was none other than Ghengas Khan, the ruler of the world for about twenty years.
"You have stolen my prized pony! You will now die!" The Mongol lord said as he chased Hitler around the yard.
Cue Benny Hill music.
"You know, Fryman...I just cant say how to approach this one. Whether I should call the police or kick your ass right now!"
There they were, two hundred Mongols, raging about the countryside of the Jersey Shore, fighting with vengeful members of the Weichtmart and the Waffen SS. Soldiers of King Arthur fighting against the noble Samurai of the Edo Era. Tanks fighting against full grown Tyrannosaurs'.
Carl was most pissed when half of his house was blown away by KGB bombers in response to the attack made by The Redcoats of the American Revolution. The band of the titanic played on top of the Aqua Teens' Roof before being consumed by an angry Hydralisk. A very angered Iraqi Republican Guardsman was bashing in the skull of a recently defeated Combat Droid. The scene was as if some lazy fifth grader wrote a crappy history essay and it sprung to life all over the Aqua Teen's yard.
"Carl, let me be the first to say that I am so sorry..." Frylock said as he rose his fries in the air, standing on the street as Carl stared at him.
"Oh, let me say that for the record, I'm pretty sorry too. I'm sorry that my gun was used by A FRIGGIN NAZI TO BLOW AWAY A GIANT KANGAROO!" Carl said as he grabbed Frylock and proceeded to squeeze him.
"Hey, Carl! Don't get all mad! Shake's fixing this all right now!" Meatwad said with a big smile...
Berlin, Circa 1945.
"Oh, mein oberfurher...It has been a valiant struggle, but it is already too far gone...I pledge my loyalty and my love to you! Let us take these suicide pills together, and live forever in the beautiful afterlife!" Said Miss Ava Braun as she stroked the open tan shirt of her grateful furher.
"Ah...Listen...Um...I'm going though a rough time in my life right now...So, you know...It's not you, it's me. I'm no good for you! I got a crappy army, the Russians are banging on my door...it just isn't working out for us..."
Shake smiled to the saddened woman.
Suddenly, about a dozen ray gun equipped aliens barged into the bunker, wearing soviet uniforms.
"Blick Blick Blicky Blicky roo!" Which could be translated as; "For the Motherland!"
"OH GOD!" Shake said, as he was consumed within the fires of exploding chickens.
THE END...?
(Yes, finally finished. I hope you enjoyed this little romp! I know I did! I suppose I could thank Adult Swim for the inspiration, but I wonder if that will get me targeted by the National Lampoon Ninja Squad. Whelp, see you next fan-fic!
Also, thanks to...the dude who reviewed me...Ah...Yeah, whoever the hell you are. Thanks. I only wish I could remember your name.)