Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 5
Airdate: October 2, 2016
"The Kids of iCarly Elementary v. RK & Jaylynn"
Special Guest Stars: Curtis Armstrong as David
#TYH505
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are walking through the halls as RK sighs three times, growing louder each time.
WADE: RK, what's going on with you? You haven't been yourself since the car ride over here.
RK: Exactly. Everything stops when I get here. Wade, what's wrong with me? Why can't I get along with school?
WADE: You just need to find something that makes you happy. Focus on your studies, join a club. Take me for instance. I've decided to take part in student council.
RK: Student council? You're one of those people now?
WADE: Hey, the judicial process has always been fascinating to me. And anyway, it wouldn't kill you to find something like I did.
RK: See, that's the difference between you and me, Wade. I don't lie down for the man. I mean, why can't this school teach me something valuable like starting a small business or getting your 401k?
WADE: You have no idea what a 401k is.
RK: Yes, I do. It has something to do with the number 401 and the letter K. I remember Sesame Street doing a whole segment on it. It's funny because you would never expect it from a show like that. By the way, I never want to hear you diss Sesame Street. It's been on longer than your parents so respecting your elders goes a long way.
WADE: Look, just find something you might be interested in. How hard can it be?
Wade walks away from RK as he stands near the bulletin board.
RK: About as hard as gastric bypass surgery, Wade. HA! I got him with that one. Now, let's see here. What's the best club to join for RK Jennings? Debate team?
A thought bubble appears above RK's head with him in a debate with another elementary school.
MODERATOR: What can the United States do to create more peaceful relations with other countries?
RK: Um...stop taking everybody's oil?
The thought bubble disappears.
RK: Okay, maybe not the best idea. Hmm, the newspaper club still has spots available. I could totally kick ass there! If they need a hot scoop, I'm ace reporter Jennings at their service. If they want the weather, just call me Al Roker. Sports? Please, nobody knows the Seahawks better than me. Or I can just be a coffee gopher and suffer life-scarring abuse from everybody. I'm a jack of all trades!
RK takes a pen and signs his name on the newspaper club clipboard.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Computer Room
Seattle, Washington
The newspaper club meeting has started as RK follows a kid around.
RK: Look, I know I'm unproven, but I feel like if you give me a chance, I can dazzle you.
DAVID: RK, every single kid that signs up for newspaper club says that. Then they start saying they're true to their word, they drop out after a month or two, and I'm left picking up the slack.
RK: Dave, babe, I know my way around a newspaper. I mean, I'm not like those other phonies. Every morning, I have a blueberry muffin in one hand and a copy of The Seattle Times in another. In fact, when I was seven, I started my own paper route.
DAVID: A paper route? Cool!
RK: You bet. Although, it wasn't actually my bike. I stole it from a fat kid. And I might have been using it only for joyrides, but other than that, I'm true to the game, B. Come on, just give me a shot.
DAVID: Alright, fine. I appreciate your initiative, so I'll give you the opportunity to show and prove. Your homework tonight...
RK: Of course, there's always some f***ing catch.
DAVID: Your homework tonight is to write an article on anything you want. As long as it's not inappropriate or threatening to popular ideas. If I like your article enough, we might be able to give you a spot on the writing staff.
RK: Oh man, this is going to be sweet. Finally, a real job at school. Don't worry, David, I guarantee you will not be disappointed. I have writing in my blood.
DAVID: Oh yeah? How so?
RK: Well, I, uh, I just do. I mean, I didn't really plan to be asked that question, I was just saying it to be colorful.
DAVID: Don't make me regret giving you this opportunity.
SCENE 3
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is at the bar with Woody.
JAYLYNN: A grape Cowboy Pop, huh, Woody?
WOODY: Sorry, Jaylynn. My supervisors told me that I can't serve Cowboy Pop anymore. Some bad rumors are being spread and I'm trying to keep my job.
JAYLYNN: But Cowboy Pop is the most awesome drink in the world! How did this happen? And why did you let this happen? And why did I let you let this happen?
Woody shrugs and goes on to serve other customers. Jaylynn sighs and goes to sit down with the guys at the booth.
JAYLYNN: Can you believe that? They're not serving Cowboy Pop here anymore.
SPARKY: Yeah. Woody said so last week.
JAYLYNN: Well, why wasn't I told?
SPARKY: Because nobody here knew you liked it so much?
BUSTER: Well, if you ask me, I'm glad they took it off the menu. Those rumors are disgusting.
RK: Could everyone here shut up for a minute? I'm trying to do my homework.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you're trying to do your homework. And I cook and eat live chickens at midnight.
RK: Wow, I didn't know Sarah Silverman was in the house. Anyway, it's for newspaper club. I need a killer article to submit or I can kiss a spot on the writing staff goodbye.
WADE: Wait. You actually took my advice?
RK: Well, yeah. You're right, Wade. I mean, as much as I hate school, I have to find something worth going there every day. Besides, I feel like it will be nice to get my voice out there for once.
BUSTER: What about the radio show that disappeared for some reason?
SPARKY: Exactly. We're not even supposed to mention that anymore.
RK: That show was amateur work. This is a real job. Okay, now can anyone here help me with an idea for the article?
JAYLYNN: You could write about Cowboy Pop and how Ike's should bring it back.
RK: I don't know, that sounds a little too...controversial. I'm trying not to offend anybody.
BUSTER: How about the latest dance craze that everyone's talking about?
RK: What's that?
BUSTER: I think it's called the Crazy Squirrel. You just bob your head back and forth and do some criss-cross thingy with your legs. I don't know, I'm not hip. I don't get it.
RK: This is going to take a while. I think I need to go home and really get in the zone here. See you guys later.
RK leaves the booth and then the restaurant.
SPARKY: You know, I'm impressed. I can't remember the last time RK was actually motivated to do something in school.
WADE: Me either. I think this newspaper club's going to be good for him.
JAYLYNN: Please. He's going to take it seriously for like, a week, then complain it's too hard and quit. I'm not holding my breath on this.
BUSTER: Why do you have to be such a hater, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: I'm not a hater. I don't hate anybody. I'm just saying, I know how RK is and I know how this is going to end.
BUSTER: You're masking your hatred pretty well.
JAYLYNN: Buster, you calling me a hater has no effect on me. I know I'm not a hater.
BUSTER: Whatever you say...hater.
Jaylynn stares angrily at Buster while Sparky and Wade snicker.
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK looks through a copy of the Seattle Times and tosses it on the floor.
RK: GAH! This is impossible!
KG walks out of the kitchen and comes towards the sofa.
KG: I can see you're dealing with something right now.
RK: You think? The newspaper club's first meeting is next week but I have to turn in an article tomorrow so I can get considered. For some reason, I have nothing.
KG: Ah, dude, you're just suffering from writer's block. Just relax and take it easy, you're not disarming a bomb here.
RK: Yeah, but this is the only club I would actually like. I need to make a good first impression. It's not like I've done that well in the past.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK approaches Jaylynn at Ken Griffey Jr. Park.
RK: You're Sparky's pen pal chick, right? What's up? I'm RK.
JAYLYNN: Who the f*** cares?
END OF CUTAWAY
KG: That was the first time you two met?
RK: Yeah. About a week later, we beat each other up for the first time. Memories.
KG: Right. Look, RK, you just need to think about what you like and write about that. Does the article have to be about anything in particular?
RK: No. It's freestyle. It can be about anything.
KG: Well, why don't you write about...sex or something like that?
RK: What? I can't relate to sex, you wacko.
KG: I'm sorry, I was thinking about something. But you know, you're not alone when it comes to writer's block. I relapse all the time.
RK: Really? It's really that hard writing stand-up jokes?
KG: See, that's the problem with people today. They take stand-up comedy as a joke, no pun intended. If writing for comedy was as easy as people said it was, Amy Schumer would be considered a genius.
RK: Oh, I'm not disputing that. I just didn't know you had so much trouble.
KG: Believe me, I did, and still do. The one thing that helps when I write is that I come up with the kind of jokes I would think are funny. If I was going to a comedy club, what would I want to hear? Then the rest takes care of itself.
RK: That makes perfect sense. By disregarding what anybody else thinks about your work, you come up with something more original.
KG: Exactly. The beauty of being a writer. Well, I have to call Trevor. His goldfish died today and I have to make sure he's okay. Don't give up.
RK: Gotcha, brother.
KG runs upstairs while RK picks up the newspaper.
RK: You know, when he's on his game, KG can give really good advice. Advice? Advice! That's it!
RK grabs his laptop and immediately starts typing.
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Computer Room
Seattle, Washington
David is reading RK's article.
DAVID: Wow, this is an outstanding piece of writing, RK. How were you able to come up with an advice column?
RK: Well, it was actually pretty easy. I thought about the time my friend Ashley needed to choose between going out with her new boyfriend or hanging out with her friends at the mall. So the advice I gave her is what I typed here, and I framed the whole thing to make it look like a newspaper article giving her advice.
DAVID: I appreciate the creativity. You know, RK, we've never had an advice column at this school. So many kids struggle with homework and locker assignments and beating up their friends when they insult them. You should really consider it.
RK: Really? I don't know. I never saw myself as giving advice. I'm not the most positive person in the world.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK and Buster are eating lunch together.
BUSTER: Hey RK, how do you think we're all gonna die?
RK: Oh, I don't worry about that. I'm sure when we die, it's going to be very painful and our lives will have been a complete waste.
Buster looks at his sandwich, then at RK and whimpers.
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: I was feeling really depressed that day. But you know what, Dave? If that's what it takes, I'll be happy to be the advice boy in this school.
DAVID: I'm glad to hear that. You've got the job, Jennings. Hey, by the way, as your first official piece of advice, what do you think I should do to improve my high water pants? I'm trying to give them a comeback.
RK: I think taking them off and burning them is a great first step.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn are talking near Wade's locker.
BUSTER: I mean, I know Uncle Jesse really liked Elvis, but he was never the king of rock and roll. Which presents my theory: Uncle Jesse was a closet racist.
JAYLYNN: Hey, hey, hey, what's Halley doing over there?
SPARKY: She's just throwing something away. You know, because littering is a serious problem in our school, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: I know the school encourages kids to throw things away! But this isn't just any old garbage.
Jaylynn runs away from the boys.
BUSTER: You know, when I was watching Full House last night, I realized something else about the show: Michelle was a humongous bitch.
The scene cuts to Jaylynn and Halley near the garbage can.
JAYLYNN: Halley, what were you thinking throwing away a whole bottle of Cowboy Pop like that? What did it ever do to you?
HALLEY: Haven't you heard the rumors by now? Cowboy Pop makes girls lose their hair.
JAYLYNN: What? That's bullshit and you know it.
HALLEY: Call it what you want, but Ashley just told me and I trust her judgment. She stopped drinking it, Sanna stopped drinking it. Even Manny and Will stopped drinking it, and Manny once drank an entire bottle of honey mustard just because he wanted to.
JAYLYNN: But if it makes girls lose their hair, why would they stop drinking it?
HALLEY: Apparently, it also kills boys' sperm. I'm telling you, Jaylynn, that Cowboy Pop is bad news.
JAYLYNN: Hold that thought for one second. Yeah, police? Yeah, I would like the permission to make a citizen's arrest. Why? Well, my friend here just said something so unbelievably stupid I think that she should be locked up and deprived of daylight. Yeah, thank you.
HALLEY: Bitch, I will murder you right now.
JAYLYNN: Just so you know, they didn't give me permission. You're a white girl so, congratulations.
The scene cuts back to RK running towards the boys and hugging Wade.
RK: I did it! I did it! Your boy did it!
BUSTER: Did what? Got new pants?
RK: Wade, have I ever told you that I love you like the brother I never needed, but somehow got?
WADE: No. What did you even do?
RK: Gents, brace yourselves. This is a very important day in the life of Ryan Kennedy Jennings. Yes sir, all those days of struggling and being stepped on by the system have finally come to an end. There's no such thing as hard times anymore, daddy. We're going to drink the finest champagne from the fountain of triumph. We will...
SPARKY: JUST TELL US WHAT HAPPENED. FOR PETE'S SAKE, YOU'RE KILLING ME!
RK: I got a spot on the newspaper! David loved my article and now I'm going to be an advice columnist.
BUSTER: Congratulations, but now I want to know how much this benefits us.
RK: It doesn't, really. I have a new job but you guys can always give me some respect.
SPARKY: Well, kudos for getting the spot, RK. I hope you kick ass.
WADE: Me too. I'm glad you're so excited about this, and a little surprised.
RK: You noticed it too? I'm just saying, at first, I thought the newspaper was for geeks and pencil pushers and...kids who liked to sniff themselves, but I think I'm going to do just fine here.
SPARKY: We're all going to be rooting for you, RK.
Jaylynn walks up to the guys.
BUSTER: Did you solve your Halley problem?
JAYLYNN: No. If anything, I just feel worse. What's this knucklehead all giddy about?
RK: Well, if you must know, princess, I just received a job on the newspaper staff. I'm going to have my own advice column and everything. Feel free to read it, you know, unless you're jealous.
JAYLYNN: Why would I ever be jealous of you?
RK: Buster told me you've been talking your shit lately. So, you know, I would appreciate it if you gave me my props.
JAYLYNN: I'll give you your props when I see you're committed to your new "job," kiddo. In the meantime, I have to find a way to get people to see the truth about Cowboy Pop.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, if I were you, I wouldn't do that. Those rumors are pretty nasty.
JAYLYNN: Buster, don't you think that sometimes, believing what you hear can be a bad thing?
BUSTER: I guess. But when everybody says the same thing, don't I have the right to agree with them?
JAYLYNN: You kinda have a point there.
SPARKY: Hey Wade, you want to come over later and work on your case for student council with me?
WADE: Sure.
Buster stares at Sparky, while RK and Jaylynn stare at Wade.
SPARKY: What? I mean, when you guys keep talking, when else are we supposed to plan this stuff?
SCENE 7
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK opens his laptop and his eyes widen.
RK: Wow, word gets around.
KG: What gets around?
RK: My advice column. See, David said that he was going to try and spread the word but I didn't expect this. My Gmail's filled with people asking for advice. For the first time in my life, I actually feel special.
KG: Hey, don't get too wrapped up in your fame. That's an easy way to blow all your money, forget your friends and family and die sleeping on the toilet.
RK: Die sleeping on the toilet?
KG: I like to make up scenarios! So what are you going to call your advice column?
RK: I have the perfect name for it: Ask Ry-Ken.
KG: Ewww, don't call it that. Don't you love making references all the time? Do it for this.
RK: KG, I'm dealing with other kids here. In order for the reference to work, people have to get it. My mind is too misunderstood for that. Hey, check this one out. It's from Jayda in the third grade.
KG: I remember third grade. On the first day, some punks locked me in the bathroom. On the second day, I brought brass knuckles and then they knew what was up.
RK: Yeah, violence is always the answer. Okay, so Jayda says that her and her friends were thinking about cheating on a math test last week, but didn't. Now another test is coming up, but she doesn't know whether or not to cheat. I know! I'll just tell her it's not cheating if you get away with it.
KG stares at RK blankly.
RK: I wasn't really going to say that! Okay, Jayda, your advice from Ask Ry-Ken is simple: Cheating is only going to make you understand the material less. You'll feel much better having studied because at least you gave it your best shot. Plus, math is cool. Take your time to think about the consequences and you'll feel much better.
KG: You know, that really is good advice.
RK: Thanks KG. You know, I really think I'll be able to get through to people with this column. This is my moment to be somebody.
KG: What if you don't become somebody because of this?
RK: Oh, I don't know. I'll just cry about it for a few hours and sleep it off.
SCENE 8
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is standing on the steps with a clipboard in her hand stopping the kids. Sparky and Buster approach the steps as well.
JAYLYNN: Make your voice heard! Don't believe the hype! Rumors are speculation, not facts! Don't fall for the trap!
SPARKY: Jaylynn, what's going on here?
JAYLYNN: People want to say what they want to say about Cowboy Pop, so I should be allowed to say what I want to say. This petition here already has 15 signatures. If I get all the signatures I need, Ike's has to start serving the drink again.
BUSTER: How many do you need?
JAYLYNN: Like, 200. But I'm almost ten percent done so I have a shot.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, we'll definitely sign it but I don't want you to waste your time here.
JAYLYNN: Oh, so you're already not on my side?
SPARKY: I'm signing your petition, how much more do you need?
BUSTER: You know, I think I'll sign it too. You're right, Jaylynn. Sometimes, believing what you hear isn't the best thing to do.
JAYLYNN: Thanks Buster. I really hope I find a way to reach people with this. I mean, how can kids just believe this stuff without getting the facts first?
SPARKY: I don't know. Twitter and shit?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I guess that's an okay answer.
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade walks up to RK as he tries to open his locker.
RK: Crap, I have blisters. I really need to talk to someone about this thing. Oh, hey Wade.
WADE: Hey Wade? That's all you have to say, considering the very special day today?
RK: Very special day? Is it your anniversary with Adriana?
WADE: Close, but no. It's my first day serving as part of student council. This is a pretty tough one. A kid's friend stepped in and helped him during a fight he was losing. Now all three of them are in danger of detention.
RK: You know that wasn't close. But I'm glad you found something. I guess if I were a Wade, I would find it interesting.
WADE: You know, I just get this great feeling from being a part of the legal system and seeing how it works. Standing toe-to-toe with right and wrong, giving out appropriate punishments, keeping the school in check. It's a rush that very few kids will ever get to experience.
RK: Are you going to grow up and be one of those people that looks forward to jury duty?
WADE: Maybe. So newspaper man, what's going on with you?
RK: Well, my first advice column is going to be published soon and I have to make sure I look the part. I have everything I need to be a serious journalist. Fedora, always essential. Pencil in my ear, and my very own press badge.
WADE: RK, this is a Chuck E. Cheese's gift card, and it doesn't even have your name on it.
RK: Hey, be careful when you touch that. It's a collectible. It doesn't have any money on it, but they don't make 'em like this anymore.
WADE: Right. So it looks like we both have something going on.
RK: True that. Pretty soon, the whole school's going to know our names.
SCENE 10
("Who Am I? (What's My Name?)" by Snoop Doggy Dogg plays in the background)
The first school newspaper comes out and Ask Ry-Ken is instantly successful. RK finds his popularity increasing as he begins to help more and more kids. Wade's confidence grows as a member of student council as well, working with his peers to hand out fair punishments. Jaylynn's petition ends up being the center of controversy in the school. Kids end up taking opposing sides when it comes to drinking Cowboy Pop, and it leads to an all-out brawl in the cafeteria.
SCENE 11
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Computer Room
Seattle, Washington
David is holding a newspaper club meeting.
DAVID: As you all may know by now, this Cowboy Pop situation has really divided the student body. People have been going at it 24/7 and it's turning into chaos. So I think we need to either keep kids away from the drink, or just keep our mouths shut.
BOY: I don't get Cowboy Pop. Is it a juice, a soda, a tea of some sort?
DAVID: It's a hybrid, I think. Like Dr. Pepper except with more bullshit wrapped around it.
RK: You know, these things usually have a way of resolving themselves. Maybe it's best to just stay out of it and let the heat die down.
DAVID: You know, now that I think about it, maybe we would have a bigger impact on the school if we actually convinced people to stop drinking Cowboy Pop. I mean, who would want to drink a sperm killer anyway? I don't, and I don't know anyone who would unless they consider self-hatred a hobby.
GIRL: I could never drink that stuff. My hair is gorgeous, I can't have it fall out!
BOY: What are you talking about? Just last week, you called Cowboy Pop your favorite drink.
GIRL: I can change my mind after the facts come out.
RK: THESE AREN'T FACTS, NONE OF THIS STUFF HAS BEEN PROVEN YET. I'm sorry for flying off the handle like that, it's just that this mob mentality BS doesn't help anybody. I just think we shouldn't come to conclusions and we should, you know, try to seek out the truth.
DAVID: Or we can help put an end to the fighting by making sure the kids stop drinking Cowboy Pop.
RK: No, Dave, you're not listening to me. I feel like you hear what I'm saying and you understand that I'm talking right now, but you really don't understand what I'm talking about.
DAVID: No, I understand. I also understand that Ask Ry-Ken is the most popular section of our newspaper.
RK: I know none of this is sexual, but I still don't like where this is going.
DAVID: Look, that crazy girl's petition is going to drag this school down into the ground. We have a lot of influence here, so by saving several kids from getting sick, we'll be heroes. In your next advice column, just tell kids to stay away from Cowboy Pop. We don't need more fights like we've been getting lately.
RK: That crazy girl happens to be a friend of mine. And honestly, I don't buy those stupid rumors. I think the kids here need to make their own decision on whether or not to drink Cowboy Pop, not just listen to everything people tell them and live in fear.
DAVID: Listen to me, I put you on and gave you this job. Our word carries a lot of weight and the fate of the school depends on what we say in the next paper. Now are you with us or against us?
Beat.
RK: Oh God, is this the part where you start telling me to do drugs too?
SCENE 12
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is doing her homework when the doorbell rings.
JAYLYNN: It's open.
RK comes in and storms towards Jaylynn.
RK: You. You just had to stand up for what you believed in, huh? You sicken me.
JAYLYNN: Um, you're upset at me because I actually wanted people to think for themselves?
RK: No, I'm not really mad at you. I'm just looking for a scapegoat. See, this Cowboy Pop thing is really getting out of hand, and David wants me to write on my advice column that the drink is bad. But I don't believe in those rumors. Now I don't know what to do.
JAYLYNN: It's simple. Just write in your next article that there's nothing wrong with it.
RK: It's not that simple, Jaylynn. Even if I don't think there's anything wrong with the drink, the newspaper is really popular.
JAYLYNN: So?
RK: So if I say how I feel, there's going to be more arguments, more fights, and I might even lose my job. And I really like helping the kids.
JAYLYNN: Oh, wow. This is a moral dilemma, huh?
RK: As moral a dilemma like this can get. Maybe I should just do what David said.
JAYLYNN: But if you do, people might stop reading the paper because you don't agree with them. Then the same thing is going to happen.
RK: You're right. No matter what I say, people are going to shit on it anyway. There's no easy solution.
JAYLYNN: Look, I know I was kinda giving you a hard time before about the newspaper, but I can see you really like working there. I'm really happy you're sticking to it and no matter what, I'll always stick by you whenever you need me.
RK: What? Need you? Pffft, I don't need you.
JAYLYNN: Really? So why did you come over here?
RK: I don't know. Because I needed your advice? Fine, you're right. I did come here because I needed you, and I appreciate you looking out for me. I'm glad I have a friend that can just tell it like it is.
JAYLYNN: And I'm glad I have a friend as unique and creative as you.
RK: Are we...are we really having a moment right now? You and me, having this emotional confrontation?
JAYLYNN: We are. We really are.
RK: Wow. I actually felt that. In here. Oh no.
JAYLYNN: What is it?
RK: No, it's just really jerking my heart around how much I felt that.
SCENE 13
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is working on his advice column.
RK: "So Taylor, just remember, your friends have a right to be upset if you constantly brag that your name is the same as a pop star. And on a final note for all my readers, this Cowboy Pop situation is getting out of hand. Personally, I don't buy the rumors myself. You can't listen to everything you hear just because. I want everyone to just be calm about this, and make their own decisions. Your buddy, Ry-Ken."
RK sighs.
RK: I feel like a freedom fighter already.
SCENE 14
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The guys approach RK's locker.
SPARKY: Hey, newspaper man, great write-up about the whole CP mess.
BUSTER: CP?
SPARKY: Yeah, I'm using a nickname to save time.
RK: Thanks guys. You know, I felt pretty crappy after talking to David, but you know what? I shouldn't be. I stuck to my guns and I told people how I really felt.
JAYLYNN: Doesn't it feel good to call it as you see it sometimes?
RK: It does. I admire your obsession with doing just that.
WADE: Wait a minute. What's going on over there?
More than a couple feet away, Ashley and Sanna are having an argument.
ASHLEY: Okay, look, maybe I thought the drink was dangerous, but it's just a rumor. I thought you would be smarter than that.
SANNA: I'm smart enough to know that it doesn't matter what Ask Ry-Ken says. Sometimes, rumors are more than just rumors.
ASHLEY: Don't be dense like that, you know someone just made that stuff up on their free time.
SANNA: Well, fine. Watch your stupid hair fall out.
Sanna bumps Ashley on her shoulder, but Ashley pulls her back before she walks away. Sanna then pushes her.
ASHLEY: Hey, I'm going to ask you not to do that again.
SANNA: I'm sorry, let me do it one more time in that case.
Sanna pushes Ashley again and Ashley tackles her to the ground. The two then start wrestling on the floor while the other kids in the hall start cheering.
SPARKY: They're going to kill each other! We have to do something!
BUSTER: Hold on, Sparky, maybe that's not the real Ashley and Sanna. Maybe they're just impostors trying to trick everybody.
The guys then stare at Buster.
BUSTER: I'M TRYING TO THINK DEEPLY HERE!
"Let It Roll" plays in the background as the guys rush to separate Ashley and Sanna.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Computer Room
Seattle, Washington
David is confronting RK about the newspaper.
DAVID: YOU BASTARD! YOU ANARCHISTIC SON OF A BITCH!
RK: I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking you're pissed off.
DAVID: THAT'S BECAUSE I AM! I told you to tell the readers to stay away from Cowboy Pop, not leave the decision to them!
RK: Look, all I said was that people should remain calm and not listen to everything they hear. I mean, it's not like I was making fun of anybody. I was just trying to keep the peace. Don't you think that's what's really important?
DAVID: NO. IT'S NOT!
RK: Wow. Honestly, I thought I was going to get through to you and that would be that. Now I have nothing.
DAVID: Ashley and Sanna, of all people, came to blows today because of your advice column. Now people don't know what to think. You just made things worse!
RK: So by trying to do the right thing, I ended up ruining everything.
DAVID: Exactly.
RK: Hm. The mystery of living in America.
DAVID: You're out of the club.
RK: What?
DAVID: You heard me. Effective immediately, you're kicked out of the newspaper club. As long as I'm in this school, taking up space in the fifth grade, I'll see to it that you never write another article.
RK: What makes you think you can do whatever you want and boss me around?
DAVID: I'm the freaking editor of this paper. I can do whatever I want based on that. I could make you strip down, get on all fours, and bark like a dog if I was interested.
RK: Please don't. Look, I'm sorry for what I did if that's what you're looking for. But I did what I felt I had to do.
DAVID: Whatever the case may be, you disobeyed my orders and acted selfishly. You deserve to be kicked out.
RK: No, I don't, you little puke. I have a right to speak my mind just like you have the right to act like a power-hungry jackass.
DAVID: I don't think so. You're out of the club.
RK: No, I'm not. You're going to see me here next week with all the other extras.
DAVID: Fine, if you're going to be this stubborn, then let me be fair for a second. I'm taking you to court!
RK: We're not going to small claims court over this! I mean, I know they call it small claims court, but not even Marilyn Milian would give a shit about this.
DAVID: I'm talking about student council, you boob. I'm going to submit my case and the students will decide what to do with you. And if they rule in my favor, you're banned from the newspaper club until you graduate!
RK: Banned? RK gulps in fear. Okay, if that's what it takes. I'm not scared at all. Slightly scared, if you will. Kinda scared, as it were. Very, very scared...a lot.
SCENE 16
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK paces around the living room as the guys watch him.
RK: Oh man, dark days are coming. Student council, how did it ever come to this?
BUSTER: Well, I think it started because a lot of people didn't know if Cowboy Pop was bad for you. Then David told you to write in your column that the drink was bad for you, but instead...
SPARKY, WADE, AND JAYLYNN: BUSTER!
BUSTER: What? He asked a perfectly reasonable question, he needed an answer, and I decided to give him one.
WADE: It was a rhetorical question.
BUSTER: I just want to be a good person, Wade! Geez.
RK: Don't jump down the boy's throat. He wasn't the one who cost himself the job at the paper. Once student council hears the case, they're going to be all judgmental and prejudiced and I'm going to be banned for life.
WADE: I'm in student council. We're nothing like that.
RK: Yeah, but...wait, that's it! All I need to do is prove to student council that there's nothing wrong with Cowboy Pop. Wade, you're very scientific. Do you really believe all those dumb rumors?
WADE: Well, there's really no scientific evidence or research behind any of these claims.
RK: Yes, yes, I have a fighting chance!
WADE: But what you did could fall under the definition of insubordination.
RK: Oh no. I don't even know that word and it sounds bad. Let's face it. My chicken's headed for the deep fryer.
WADE: You know, RK, I would love to help you, but I can't do anything that compromises the trial. Then I'll end up like you, and I really like being a part of the club.
RK: It's okay, buddy.
JAYLYNN: I can help you.
RK: Help me with what? Are you going to stand outside the school on top of your car holding up a "Free RK" sign?
JAYLYNN: Um, no? I can help you with your case, man. I can do research, make David nervous, try to make student council see that you were just standing up for your beliefs.
RK: So in other words, you want to be my lawyer?
JAYLYNN: If that's what it takes, then sure. You're getting kicked out of a club you really liked for bullshit, I'm not going to let you get screwed over.
RK: Aw, thanks Jaylynn. I knew there was hope for me yet!
WADE: Hey Sparky, Buster, you two have been kinda quiet about this Cowboy Pop thing. What do you think?
SPARKY: Well, I think RK did the right thing and that people shouldn't believe everything they hear.
BUSTER: Personally, there's something about those rumors that rubs me the wrong way.
WADE: Why?
BUSTER: Well, I've been drinking Cowboy Pop for a while. Hearing about those things for me was like finding out your uncle is a pedophile. But RK doesn't deserve this crap. We have to fight the power!
SPARKY: So what do you propose, Buster?
BUSTER: I say we yell at everybody loud enough that RK is innocent, and I think if we do that with enough people, he's off the hook.
Beat.
RK: You know, at this point, I need all the help I can get.
SCENE 17
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Library
Seattle, Washington
The entire library is packed for the trial. Wade is in the jury with the other members of student council, Sparky and Buster are in the crowd, and RK is at the defendant's desk with Jaylynn standing by him. David has a smug look on his face sitting at the plaintiff's desk.
SPARKY: You know, I really hope they don't turn this into some kind of spectacle.
BUSTER: What do you mean?
SPARKY: Well, usually, these things always get out of hand and are way too over the top. If they can just stick to the issue at hand, I would appreciate that.
BUSTER: Yeah, I'm just hoping that for once, white privilege is helpful.
RK: My palms are sweaty right now. That doesn't happen a lot, that means it's bad.
JAYLYNN: At least your knees aren't weak and your arms aren't heavy.
RK raises his eyebrow at Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: I'm lightening the mood, man. These people can smell fear from a mile away.
JUDGE: Order, order in the court, please. Fifth grader Malik Bryan here as your judge and I wanna make sure we end this on time here. Lunchtime waits for no one. Let's go.
DAVID: Ladies and gentlemen, people of the jury, my name is David Chesterfield and I want to believe that justice will take care of everything here today. Now I didn't want to do this because the defendant is an excellent writer, but he crossed the line by going ahead and doing what he wanted to do. I believe that he set out to create chaos in the halls because that's his shtick. He's loony, he's reckless, he's a little nutjob when you think about it. I'm doing the newspaper club a favor by kicking him out.
RK: I OBJECT! He's making fun of insane asylums to prove his point!
MALIK: How so?
RK: Um...his terms are very outdated and politically incorrect.
MALIK: I don't see it. Moving on now.
JAYLYNN: What was that, dude?
RK: I don't know. I didn't think student council would be so old-school.
DAVID: At this point, the plaintiff calls Sanna Qureshi to the stand.
JAYLYNN: No freaking way.
RK: Hold on, this probably won't be so bad.
The scene cuts to David questioning Sanna at the stand.
DAVID: So you and your best friend, Ashley Rodriguez, had a pretty big fight just recently? Didn't you?
SANNA: Yeah, we did.
DAVID: And what exactly was the fight about?
SANNA: Well, we're both fans of Ask Ry-Ken, and we decided to read the latest edition. Then Ashley started thinking that the rumors about Cowboy Pop weren't true even though I tried telling her that she shouldn't be persuaded by what people say, then we started arguing and we fought each other.
RK: I take back what I said, we're donezo.
DAVID: For everybody with working ears sitting today, could you imagine how devastating it felt to hear that Ashley and Sanna, the two sweetest sweethearts of iCarly Elementary School, roughed each other up? This isn't something you can just make up, there had to be a reasonable catalyst for such an event. How about that? It was Ask Ry-Ken that triggered the incident, nothing else.
The kids start murmuring amongst themselves.
BUSTER: I hope they put that Jennings kid in the chair.
SPARKY: Buster!
BUSTER: I'm sorry, but that guy is really good at what he does. What's his name again? Dan or something?
MALIK: David, Sanna, you may both be seated. Does the defense have an opening statement?
JAYLYNN: We do, Your Honor. My client is one of the most sensitive, hard-working, intelligent people I have ever known. He never tries to hurt people, and he only lashes out when he feels threatened or afraid. Sure, he may have decided to do his own thing and write his own thoughts, but he did it because that's how he was raised. He always tries to march to the beat of his own drum, and help people when he gets the chance. Of course, he's out there. Everybody on this planet is out there. If you guys can see that, I believe he deserves to keep his newspaper job.
MALIK: That...that was wonderful. Who are you?
JAYLYNN: I'm his lawyer, Your Honor.
MALIK: Wow, that really touched my soul. Hey, if you're not doing anything later...
JAYLYNN: I took a vow not to mix business with pleasure, Your Honor.
MALIK: I got it. Does the plaintiff have a counter-statement?
DAVID: I do, Your Honor. I would now like to call up Ryan Kennedy Jennings to the stand.
RK: Dammit. I was really hoping it was someone else.
SCENE 18
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Library
Seattle, Washington
RK is now being questioned at the stand.
DAVID: Is it true that Ryan Kennedy Jennings is your full legal name?
RK: Yeah, obviously. I mean, at one point, I was going to refer to myself as "R.K." with initials, but when I wrote it, it...was kinda cheesy.
DAVID: Of course, of course. And are you now, or have you ever been, a liar? A fraud? A con man with great hair and a knack for manipulating people?
RK: Well, you're just making this awkward right now. But seriously, appreciate the hair comment.
DAVID: He deflects from the questions. He uses comedy as a weapon. He tries to hide behind what he does in the hopes of receiving no punishment. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the true character of Ryan Kennedy Jennings.
RK: That's not fair! That's not who I am! You're trying to soil my name!
DAVID: Like I even have to try. RK, let's get serious here because I want to win as soon as possible. During the last meeting, did I tell you to write that kids need to stay away from Cowboy Pop for their own good? Remember that no lies can be told.
RK: Yes, you did tell me that.
DAVID: And did you do what I told you?
RK: No, I didn't. Because I didn't want to. Because I didn't think that I ever had to censor my opinion as a writer for the school paper. I saw that people were getting so worked up over a silly drink, that I just wanted to calm the situation down. I'm not apologizing for what I did, because my intentions were good and I still believe that my opinion matters. But I'm sorry if I put anybody in a bad spot.
DAVID: Uh huh. So you consider Cowboy Pop a silly drink?
RK: Don't do this, man.
DAVID: You think that these kids' opinions don't matter? That they weren't going to lose their minds over rumors regarding something they love and care about?
RK: Shut up.
DAVID: You think that when kids get in fights and heated debates over this, that it's still silly? Do you ever take anything seriously unless it affects you?
RK: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO AND I SEE THROUGH ALL OF IT, SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!
DAVID: And how about that? Prone to severe outbursts when his back is against the wall. Look, RK is a talented writer. If he ever has the guts to transfer, I'm sure some other school would love to take him for their paper. But I don't think he understands the trouble he caused. Good intentions or otherwise, he made the wrong call, and he needs to get put in his place for it.
RK sighs.
RK: He's right. This really is all my fault.
MALIK: Has the jury reached a verdict yet?
WADE: Actually, no. We've heard the statements from both sides and we're going to need at least one more day for deliberation.
MALIK: Could you reach it now?
WADE: I just told you, Your Honor, we can't. It's impossible.
MALIK: Alright, it's your world. This case is going to live another day. And we will see you...tomorrow morning.
Malik bangs his gavel and the kids start leaving. RK looks dumbfounded.
SCENE 19
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
JAYLYNN: There has to be some way we can fight this. I mean, David's good, but he's not that good. We have one more day to get the job done.
RK: What job, Jaylynn? It's over. If this was wrestling, we would be jobbing out to David within seconds. Look, I really appreciate your help but I don't think there's anything we can do to win. Hell, even I'm starting to think we don't deserve to win. If only we could destroy those rumors, then maybe people can see that this is all a waste of time.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. The rumors! That's it! How could we be so stupid? If we can prove to people those rumors are horseshit, we're right back in it! Get my iPad. It's time for us to do some research.
SCENE 20
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Library
Seattle, Washington
DAY TWO - CHESTERFIELD V. JENNINGS
DAVID: So when you really think about it, the rumors about Cowboy Pop have to be true. I mean, of course, no company wants to tell you the truth about how they make their products. It's common business tactics. And it's another reason, possibly the biggest one of all, why Jennings over there should be banned from the school newspaper.
RK: I really hope this works.
JAYLYNN: Don't worry. This research is golden.
SPARKY: I'm really worried about RK. This looks like a complete slaughter.
BUSTER: You're telling me. Hey, when he loses, should I be his shoulder to cry on?
SPARKY: Um, yeah. But you first, then me. I think it's best if we alternate.
BUSTER: Good thinking.
DAVID: I don't have a further statement at the minute. But if the defendant has any last gasps before the screws are put on him, I would love to hear them.
MALIK: Does the defendant have any closing remarks?
RK: We do, Your Honor. You see, the whole reason I have to be on trial here today all goes back to one thing: The Cowboy Pop controversy. Now, of course these rumors haven't been proven yet, so there's still a chance it could be true. A chance that every single rumor can be true. But then, you start doing what any other person would do, and you seek out the facts for yourself. Jaylynn, who did we call last night?
JAYLYNN: The Spokane Bottling Company.
RK: The Spokane Bottling Company, everybody. The company that manufactures Cowboy Pop itself. You know Spokane, right, David? Sounds like cocaine, I believe? A simple car ride from here to there is about 280 miles?
DAVID: I know what Spokane is, RK.
RK: I'm just checking. So anyway, my friend and I, we...called this company about the rumors and they shut them down. Said that none of their ingredients have ever tested positive for hair loss or male sterilization, which is fancy science talk for sperm killing!
The kids start murmuring.
DAVID: But that's not conclusive evidence! Like I said, companies lie. Getting caught in the act will cost them millions of dollars.
RK: I thought you might say that, so we took it one step further. Jaylynn, could I please have the papers?
JAYLYNN: I don't know if you could, but you may.
RK: Dude, really? In the middle of this?
Jaylynn gives RK the research.
RK: Thanks, hun. So anyway, we went on this website called Snopes. You know Snopes, right? That website that takes rumors and either shuts them down or proves them right? Well, they took care of Cowboy Pop a long time ago because they said the rumors were a myth.
DAVID: They probably made that post a week ago or something.
RK: No no, uh uh uh, Davey. See, this Snopes post about Cowboy Pop was written all the way back...in 2006.
SPARKY: Holy shit, RK's making a comeback!
BUSTER: He's feeling it, Maggle, RK's got him!
SPARKY: What?
DAVID: New information can bring outdated articles to shame.
RK: I only wish that was the case, but your delusion is really, really cute. Anyway, these Cowboy Pop rumors have been floating around the internet for years. Even before we were born, people were spreading these rumors. It all started back in 1992 when Cowboy Pop first burst onto the scene. It was cheaper than other sodas and juices, and was an instant hit with kids and teens, specifically minorities. Then people started spreading rumors about the drink. Rumors that it caused hair loss in women, stunted your growth, killed sperm, was laced with a special addictive ingredient found in heroin, and was secretly being bottled by the Ku Klux Klan!
DAVID: So?
JAYLYNN: Those same rumors were spread about D&G Soda and the juice Mr. King. Also, there was a chicken restaurant in Tacoma called Larry & Steve's Wings that was accused of killing sperm. All of the rumors were proven to be false.
DAVID: Um...so?
RK: So in the summer of 1992, sales of Cowboy Pop went down. Nobody was drinking it until the mayor of Seattle went on TV and drank it as a show of support. Nothing ever happened to him. Eventually, temperatures got hotter and people started drinking it again. Apparently, the rumors were started because another company wanted to get rid of the competition.
DAVID: You can't prove any of that!
RK: I just did, genius. See, the problem is believing in things without finding out the truth. This school nearly fell apart because of something that happened more than twenty years ago. That's why I wrote what I wrote in the paper, because you can never trust everything you hear from people. Maybe I escalated things, but at the end of the day, I decided to stay informed and get the facts because my voice means everything to me. So kick me off the paper, at least I let everybody know the truth.
DAVID: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, CUT THE MORAL BULLCRAP FOR ONE SECOND! IT WAS ME, OKAY?! I DID IT! IT WAS ALL ME!
RK: What are you talking about?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm really confused right now.
DAVID: See, I got jealous because Ask Ry-Ken was so popular. This kid has never cared about school, and all of a sudden, everybody loved his writing. I wanted RK off the paper. We never had to address the Cowboy Pop thing at all. What I did was lie to RK about writing something because I knew it would cause trouble no matter what his opinion was. People would start fighting, RK would get banned, and I would never have to worry about another rookie stealing my thunder.
RK: You son of a bitch! We could have stayed out of it, but you planned all of this just to get me kicked off the paper?!
DAVID: Of course. Everybody knows these kids are sheep who will believe in anything, just like everyone knows you're an idiot. I didn't expect you to do research, that was the only flaw in my plan.
WADE: Your Honor, we've reached a verdict.
MALIK: Are you sure?
WADE: Yeah. I'm positive.
MALIK: What do you rule?
WADE: After careful deliberation and this new information being brought to our attention, we the jury find the defendant innocent, and rule that David Chesterfield be stripped of his position as editor of the school newspaper.
MALIK: Consider it done.
Malik bangs the gavel and everyone applauds the decision.
DAVID: I'm...I'm off the paper?
RK: Yeah, are you deaf?
DAVID: But the school newspaper means everything to me. There's no justice. There's no justice! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS JUSTICE!
RK: Eh, don't worry. If you ever have the guts to transfer, another school will take you for their paper...bitch.
RK leaves the library with the guys while David cries.
MALIK: Freaking baby with his crocodile tears.
SCENE 21
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all celebrating with Cowboy Pop.
BUSTER: RK, that was the most awesome thing in the history of everything I've ever seen. You were so badass with your...with your voice changes and stuff. I almost pissed myself laughing.
RK: Thanks, man. I feel like I really nailed down the cool, slightly serious sarcasm I was going for there.
JAYLYNN: RK, that was the best. You really manned up today.
RK: Thanks Jaylynn. I couldn't have done it without you.
WADE: Applause once again for my best friend, the Steph Curry of the courtroom, the newspaper boy, RK Jennings.
SPARKY: Indeed.
The guys applaud RK.
RK: Oh, come on now. Cut. It. Out.
WOODY: You guys enjoying the Cowboy Pop?
BUSTER: You know it, Woodsy.
WOODY: Really? Anyway, I would drink up if I were you. I hear they're making some changes to the flavors in the next couple of weeks.
RK: What kind of changes?
WOODY: Oh, the usual health-related changes. Less calories, less sugar, smaller bottles and cans. It's a shame, but what can you do?
Woody shrugs and goes back to the bar. The kids look disgusted.
SPARKY: Less calories?
JAYLYNN: Less sugar?
WADE: Smaller portions?
BUSTER: Less flavor?
RK: Permission to scream, guys?
SPARKY: You read my mind.
"Let It Roll" plays in the background as the kids scream at the top of their lungs to end the episode. Fade to black.
("Don't Believe the Hype" by Public Enemy plays in the end credits)
©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
ROAD TO 100: EIGHT WEEKS AWAY