Forever Broken
By Rainy D
Disclaimer – Don't own Gravitation, but I did write the song, so don't be nicking it, alright?
Singing for the broken sorrow
Tears stain the night
Lost memories drift on the wind
Why tonight?
It was inevitable really. I knew it would come. I lied to myself, thinking they would always be there, to guide me, to reach out to me...
To the ordinary person, it would seem stupid, a childish tantrum.
To me, my whole world crashed down.
The day Nittle Grasper split up.
I lost all reason for living. Their music soothed me, excited me, stirred emotions in me that nothing else could. Even if they got back together, it wouldn't be the same. They would be tarnished, stained by the life they left behind, only to return to it when its back was turned. They would be forever broken.
(Whispers in the darkness)
You kindle your flame
(Rain on the pavement)
Can I sit by you forever?
And him...where would he go? The glamorous lifestyle of the stage was where he belonged. He was born into the spotlight and now he was being ripped away from what gave him life. He wasn't ready for the real world. Such a child in the eyes of the people. He lived where there were no cares, where there was always someone to take care of him and do everything for him so he wouldn't have to worry about it. And he could stay a child forever.
So I cried. I cried for my loss; I cried for him. My tears splashed the wooden floor for Ryuichi and, eventually, him alone.
Eiri tried to help me. He came and sat with me when they announced it, and held my hand, because he knew how much I was dreading that moment. There'd been rumours, whispers...but it still came as a shock.
Why? The voices sing
Only I can hear them
Singing for the broken sorrow
Tonight of all nights
Their final song was played over and over until I became sick of it. I began to sound like a death march in my ears. Yet it reflected my own feelings so well, I couldn't help but sing with it. It reduced me to tears. Always crying for him, for his lost life.
Eiri took me to see him.
The day I met god.
He was just like always. He wasn't mourning. But it didn't help. I felt he didn't understand, and so I had to feel twice as sad, for him as well. And at my age, it became almost overwhelming.
(Glass shards in the carpet)
Life smashed into pieces
(Wine on the table)
Spilt like your gentle soul
I kept going to see him though. I latched onto him like the pitiful fan boy I was, but he didn't mind. He smiled at me and played with me and acted my age. But now and again, he was serious, and life was more than a game, and he didn't have time for me. I became obsessed with finding the real Sakuma Ryuichi. Which him was the act? Or did only he know his own secrets?
And then I fell in love with him.
I fell in love with my god.
And when I mortal loves a god, the god dies.
This picture envelopes my mind
How it stays I'll never know
Too much time passes
The sorrow as your heart dies
I stayed away from him. I avoided him with a passion. Eiri noticed. He made me tell him what I had blanked from my own mind. I broke down and cried all night, and he hugged me awkwardly, and I just cried. The first time in what seemed like forever I cried for myself. Eiri told me that Ryuichi was incapable of love. Because he was so far above everyone else, he only loved himself. I screamed at Eiri and told him I hated him and that Ryuichi loved me, that he had to love me.
(Screams on the street)
The colours blend like diamonds
(Blood mixed with water)
A chance we'll never pass again
I forced myself into thinking Ryuichi loved me, because it was the only thing that kept me alive. School had no meaning, I found no joy in my few friends. Everything drifted away. But the sole belief that Sakuma Ryuichi was in love with Tatsuha Usuegi kept my feet firmly on the ground. I did not see him for a long time. I worshipped him silently from afar. My distant god.
I stopped crying. Because he did not become the poor broken man I had predicted. The world accepted him as he was and welcomed him with open arms.
I really didn't see him for so long. The next time I spoke with him was three years later, after Nittle Grasper had re-united. I asked him if he remembered me. He nodded, making his toy rabbit nod too, and went on to tell me all the things we had done together. As if I had forgotten. He asked me why I'd stopped seeing him. I told him that I loved him and I knew he loved me so I didn't need to see him. He said nothing, but walked away very slowly. I think I fainted for a while, because I was on the floor and I don't remember falling.
I had thought Eiri was wrong. He had said that those who are above us cannot love us. Even though Eiri would never admit it, Shuichi was far above him, nearly a god in the eyes of some. So much like Ryuichi. Maybe he would surpass him one day. Eiri was wrong about that but right about one thing. Ryuichi didn't love me. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces when I realised this.
But it had kept me alive for so long. So I just couldn't stop loving him then. The next few weeks were agony. I pushed myself into my school work, trying to block out the thoughts of him. Everything reminded me of him; I couldn't even look at my radio without his voice invading my mind.
He rang me. Sakuma Ryuichi rang me. He told me (in his serious mood) that he was sorry he hadn't said anything then. I said it didn't matter. He said he did love me really. I said he was only saying that to make me feel better and that I was sure he thought I was a piece of shit really. Then I hung up.
The next few days passed like a blur. I was in some kind of trance. It's like I took a drug and now I can't remember anything that happened.
And then he was there. Just...there. Outside the school gates, waiting with his pink rabbit on his head. Waiting for me. He shouted at me, strangely not in his serious voice, so it was like being told off by a child. He shouted to the world that he didn't think I was shit, but I was so stupid for thinking that and he DID love me, but it just took him a while to realise, and why couldn't I see that? People stared. They started to recognise him, but stayed away. He made me tell me he loved him. He made me tell his rabbit I loved him too.
And he kissed me.
And he was no longer my god.
He was my everything.
(Clashing with the petals)
You slumber beneath the sakura
(Don't say a word)
I will sit by you forever
By Rainy D
Disclaimer – Don't own Gravitation, but I did write the song, so don't be nicking it, alright?
Singing for the broken sorrow
Tears stain the night
Lost memories drift on the wind
Why tonight?
It was inevitable really. I knew it would come. I lied to myself, thinking they would always be there, to guide me, to reach out to me...
To the ordinary person, it would seem stupid, a childish tantrum.
To me, my whole world crashed down.
The day Nittle Grasper split up.
I lost all reason for living. Their music soothed me, excited me, stirred emotions in me that nothing else could. Even if they got back together, it wouldn't be the same. They would be tarnished, stained by the life they left behind, only to return to it when its back was turned. They would be forever broken.
(Whispers in the darkness)
You kindle your flame
(Rain on the pavement)
Can I sit by you forever?
And him...where would he go? The glamorous lifestyle of the stage was where he belonged. He was born into the spotlight and now he was being ripped away from what gave him life. He wasn't ready for the real world. Such a child in the eyes of the people. He lived where there were no cares, where there was always someone to take care of him and do everything for him so he wouldn't have to worry about it. And he could stay a child forever.
So I cried. I cried for my loss; I cried for him. My tears splashed the wooden floor for Ryuichi and, eventually, him alone.
Eiri tried to help me. He came and sat with me when they announced it, and held my hand, because he knew how much I was dreading that moment. There'd been rumours, whispers...but it still came as a shock.
Why? The voices sing
Only I can hear them
Singing for the broken sorrow
Tonight of all nights
Their final song was played over and over until I became sick of it. I began to sound like a death march in my ears. Yet it reflected my own feelings so well, I couldn't help but sing with it. It reduced me to tears. Always crying for him, for his lost life.
Eiri took me to see him.
The day I met god.
He was just like always. He wasn't mourning. But it didn't help. I felt he didn't understand, and so I had to feel twice as sad, for him as well. And at my age, it became almost overwhelming.
(Glass shards in the carpet)
Life smashed into pieces
(Wine on the table)
Spilt like your gentle soul
I kept going to see him though. I latched onto him like the pitiful fan boy I was, but he didn't mind. He smiled at me and played with me and acted my age. But now and again, he was serious, and life was more than a game, and he didn't have time for me. I became obsessed with finding the real Sakuma Ryuichi. Which him was the act? Or did only he know his own secrets?
And then I fell in love with him.
I fell in love with my god.
And when I mortal loves a god, the god dies.
This picture envelopes my mind
How it stays I'll never know
Too much time passes
The sorrow as your heart dies
I stayed away from him. I avoided him with a passion. Eiri noticed. He made me tell him what I had blanked from my own mind. I broke down and cried all night, and he hugged me awkwardly, and I just cried. The first time in what seemed like forever I cried for myself. Eiri told me that Ryuichi was incapable of love. Because he was so far above everyone else, he only loved himself. I screamed at Eiri and told him I hated him and that Ryuichi loved me, that he had to love me.
(Screams on the street)
The colours blend like diamonds
(Blood mixed with water)
A chance we'll never pass again
I forced myself into thinking Ryuichi loved me, because it was the only thing that kept me alive. School had no meaning, I found no joy in my few friends. Everything drifted away. But the sole belief that Sakuma Ryuichi was in love with Tatsuha Usuegi kept my feet firmly on the ground. I did not see him for a long time. I worshipped him silently from afar. My distant god.
I stopped crying. Because he did not become the poor broken man I had predicted. The world accepted him as he was and welcomed him with open arms.
I really didn't see him for so long. The next time I spoke with him was three years later, after Nittle Grasper had re-united. I asked him if he remembered me. He nodded, making his toy rabbit nod too, and went on to tell me all the things we had done together. As if I had forgotten. He asked me why I'd stopped seeing him. I told him that I loved him and I knew he loved me so I didn't need to see him. He said nothing, but walked away very slowly. I think I fainted for a while, because I was on the floor and I don't remember falling.
I had thought Eiri was wrong. He had said that those who are above us cannot love us. Even though Eiri would never admit it, Shuichi was far above him, nearly a god in the eyes of some. So much like Ryuichi. Maybe he would surpass him one day. Eiri was wrong about that but right about one thing. Ryuichi didn't love me. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces when I realised this.
But it had kept me alive for so long. So I just couldn't stop loving him then. The next few weeks were agony. I pushed myself into my school work, trying to block out the thoughts of him. Everything reminded me of him; I couldn't even look at my radio without his voice invading my mind.
He rang me. Sakuma Ryuichi rang me. He told me (in his serious mood) that he was sorry he hadn't said anything then. I said it didn't matter. He said he did love me really. I said he was only saying that to make me feel better and that I was sure he thought I was a piece of shit really. Then I hung up.
The next few days passed like a blur. I was in some kind of trance. It's like I took a drug and now I can't remember anything that happened.
And then he was there. Just...there. Outside the school gates, waiting with his pink rabbit on his head. Waiting for me. He shouted at me, strangely not in his serious voice, so it was like being told off by a child. He shouted to the world that he didn't think I was shit, but I was so stupid for thinking that and he DID love me, but it just took him a while to realise, and why couldn't I see that? People stared. They started to recognise him, but stayed away. He made me tell me he loved him. He made me tell his rabbit I loved him too.
And he kissed me.
And he was no longer my god.
He was my everything.
(Clashing with the petals)
You slumber beneath the sakura
(Don't say a word)
I will sit by you forever