Rochelle:

So, welcome to Rochelle and Maggie's amazing OOC Harry Potter fanfiction. Maggie here can explain it a bit for you.

Maggie:

To be honest, I don't even know why I'm having some sort of relationship thingy with Voldemort but it's too late now so XD. Enjoy this really fucked up fanfiction thing that Chelle and I did when we were bored.

Enjoy :P

Rochelle:

Anyway, ya'll know the usual, don't own this don't own that.

Only thing thats ours is the plot and the crazy obviously-not-from-Harry-Potter characters.

I'm warning you though. It is ENTIRELY made out of unadulterated, unfiltered crack.

Enjoy!

In the dark mysterious lands of Porirua was a gorgeous and sexy woman with vast intelligence named Maggie. She was wandering through the mall, when she passed a shop, inside of which were two very familiar people, looking very familiar with each presence lured her in, she was mystified by their peculiar looks and something about one of them was intriguing to her.

She waltzed fabulously into the store, everyone in awe of her very presence; she made a beeline straight for the two men, seeing one of them had no nose! It was strange, how did this man who was so obviously disgustingly hideous have such an effect on her? Gathering her courage she flounced over to the men, immediately pushing passed the shorter one to get a better look at the disgusting noseless one. His aura made her speechless.

"Uhhhh... h..hh...hi, My name's Maggie I'm sorry to intrude but you seemed a little lost." she stammered, which was unusual for her magnificent self.

He looked at her, scornful arrogance appearing as he sized her up, dragging his cat-like eyes along her body.

"I'm not, but you do." he sneered. "The name's Voldemort." he stepped forward into her personal space, making her gulp. Then she kicked him in the balls and rang her rape whistle which alarmed her feminist cronies from around, as voldemort had been on their hit list for quite some time and this was what they needed to bring him down. Voldemort dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes, startling the shorter boy next to him. Leaning over him, Maggie began to recite all the wrongdoings he'd ever done to females over the years. He seemed to find this amusing as he pulled out something long and thin from his pants.

Maggie gasped and fell back in horror, eyes going wide at the sight before her. He seemed to be quite well endowed.

She quickly whipped out her handcuffs, knocking the thin and long object from his hand. She trussed him up like a turkey and sat down next to him, waiting for the reinforcement to arrive so she could take him back to Feminist Base.

Voldemort grew tiresome of their feeble woman-like actions, as he could easily take them out without batting an eyelash but as he attempted to light up his wand to smite them, he noticed his wand didn't respond. Rochelle, a high ranking feminist saw his attempts at freeing himself.

"You have no chance of getting past these magically enhanced frying pans of ours motherfucker!"

She battle screamed and whacked him on the head, knocking out the infamous dark lord. Rampaging around the shop Rochelle ran screaming, waving her frying pan around in a kind of war dance to signify the enemy had been slain.

"Good work sister Rochelle" exclaimed Maggie, giving her feminist sister the act of respect, the seal mating sound. All of the feminist's in respect of Rochelle's bravery also joined in the seal mating sound rendition. All of a sudden a fleet of giant male seal's burst into the store, brought by the sound of all the seal mating calls. Disappointed to find that they had once again been tricked by the Feminist Base, a regular occurrence believe it or not, they grabbed their prison and ran back to their ocean nests, spiting the women. Maggie was greatly disappointed, this is something that the feminist's had been needing to build up their rep in the ghettos. A fellow sister, sensing Maggie's disapproval sought help from the high chief of Idon'tgiveafuck.

"Sir, we have a problem, we managed to capture Enemy no.4 on the list."

"You mean Voldemort right?"

"Yessir, but those damn seal's came again and well, they weren't too happy about being tricked once more, so they uh..." she hesitated.

"They what?" he demanded.

"TheystoleVoldemortI'msosorry." she said in a rush. The rest of the store could hear the abuse coming from the other end of the line.

Their determination to capture voldemort was at a highpoint, they had a thirst to prove themselves worthy

Quickly moving into a more professional mindset, they rounded up the short friend of Voldemort's, taking him for questioning. She kicked wormtail in the balls, she clearly had taken the role of bad cop in this situation. but because of her failed marital situation she had taken it too seriously and caused wormtail to fall into a fit of pain and pleasure. She took him to her pain dungeon and proceeded to tie him up to her Vietnamese wheel of shame, as suggested to her by her friend method of interrogation was highly illegal but effective as he was soon squealing like a pig and voldemort's whereabouts were located instantaneously. "Please don't rat me out! I beg of you! he will kill me and sleep with my corpse!" he pleaded with Maggie. Maggie just turned her nose away and left him to stew in his own shame and, well, body stewness.

A few weeks later Maggie and Rochelle were standing outside Lord Voldemorts current location, preparing their vibrator guns to stun the fucker incase he tried to escape again. breaking down the door Maggie ran in all sneaky like, doing her best ninja moves like she learnt from the Karate Kid remake movie but she hadn't really been paying attention to the movie too much so all she could do was an attempt at a crane stance. Rochelle had to hold one hand secretly so Maggie didn't fall over. Anyway, having completed their awesome ninja moves, they crept as quietly as elephants further into Voldemort's lair. As they were slowly approaching what seemed to be the centre of Voldemort's hiding spot, Maggie spotted a disco ball. Elbowing Rochelle quietly, she pointed to the ball.

"Oh no, i can't ignore the ball. It's calling to me. He must have known it was my weakness"

"no my dear, I got it especially for you." Voldemort stood in the doorway, watching with hooded eyes as the strangely feminine woman who had tried to kidnap him snuck through his house with amazing ninja moves he'd never seen before. He couldn't help but stare as she moved, just as gracefully as he did when I danced his favourite dance.

That gave him an idea!

He would love to see her dance his dance, so he went over to his boombox and put it on.

Maggie heard the music and jerked. It was like she had no control over her body, she immediately jumped in, doing the hardest and best chicken dance she had ever performed.

Voldemort was ecstatic!

She had never met anyone who had such a unique taste in music, it pulled at her heartstrings as she had been scouring the world for a man (lol) who could stand above the rest in musical tastes. Why was she feeling this way? he was the enemy and it went against all that she had been taught and brought up on. The feminists would have her head if they ever knew that she was ever thinking like this.

But that didn't matter, certainly didn't matter when Voldemort started dancing with her, matching her move for move. Soon would be the point in the song where they would link arms.

Voldemort would be TOUCHING this… this…

He had no words to describe her, she was all his favourite things rolled into one. He wanted to court her, so badly, but she had that pesky friend with her. He had to get rid of her somehow.

Voldemort thought all the way through the song, coming up with ways to get Maggie alone.

Until Rochelle, who had been watching this entire fucked up show with sick and perverted interest, saw the spark between the two. She knew she had to leave and find some way for these two to be together.

When the song ended she pulled out her banana phone, speed dialling Feminist Base.

When the song ended Voldemort noticed all the planning had been for nothing, the annoying brat was on the phone, most likely calling the head feminists to dob him and his precious in. Rage boiled inside him, making him pull out his long thin toy.

"AVADA KEDAVRA" he shouted, shooting at Rochelle, killing her instantly.

Luckily Rochelle had just finished her phone call before she died. She had called Feminist Base, fake screaming and sobbing into the phone that Maggie and Voldemort had killed each other. Feminist Base had broken down and started crying, vowing to never forget one of their favourite feminists. Rochelle convinced them they had destroyed each other so completely that there weren't even any bodys, and that they could all have a ceremony when she returned.

That taken care of, she was about to tell Maggie that she was free to be with Voldemort when she was hit with the killing curse.

Three years later:

Maggie woke up in a sweat, she had another nightmare again. She could picture Rochelle's dead body where voldemort had killed her.

"Honey, what's wrong? another nightmare again?" and there he was, the most important thing in her life, Voldemort. He was wearing that pink lace nightgown that she always loved on him. It really accentuated his curves and it brought out his eyes.

"Yeah, it was like I was there all over again. I just wish I knew what really happened and why she was taken from me". Voldemort felt an overwhelming rush of guilt, but then he realized that his sex life has never been better so it went to the back of his mind.

"I know, but you know it was a terrible accident. The bunnies are awfully violent that time of year and sometimes they act out in pent up sexual frustration."

Rochelle:

So yeah, that was it. And I apologise to any of my readers who actually follow me thinking this is going to be a good fic…

I did warn you didnt I?

Maggie: It's honestly really screwed up but we find it funny so hopefully you got a weird laugh out of it such as imagining Voldemort with a pink lace nighty :P

Rochelle:

So yes, bye!