Said the People, a skins fanfic

AN: Hey happy reader. This is a simple little song fic. Said the People is by Dinosaur Jr and is used for the heartbreaking 'Be Brave' scene in 4x02 by Skins amazing music supervisor. I thought it would be a nice fit so here it is. Well half of it. writing the other half but I've got deadlines galore so it may not be a quick update, i'm sorry. I hope you enjoy it anyway. let me know.

Part 1

I've been staring, I've been staring into space

Always tired, not a smile, such a waste

I don't wanna, I don't want to know

I cant tell you, I just have to go

She feels like she's been in this living room for weeks, without moving, without speaking, without feeling a cool breeze of fresh air hitting her face.

She pretends she's got coursework to do, or that she's reading a book or a magazine: whatever she can scramble for when she hears movement and footsteps.

Really though, she can't focus long enough on those words printed in black ink to actually be reading or studying. She just pretends.

She pretends at life now, she goes through the motions, gets up, goes to college, goes to the classes, goes home and waits for it all to start again. She sees her friends, her sister but she doesn't engage. Just does what she can to get out of any social interaction as quickly as possible.

They don't know. They think they've had some lovers tiff, some trivial row because they live together now. They don't know.

She hates them for that. For not knowing how wrecked she is, how much she needs to talk about it, even though she won't admit she wants to. She hasn't so much as smiled or laughed in days and they don't notice. She hates being the invisible Fitch twin again. Naomi had taken that stigma away from her but now it was back.

If she could just not remember, if Naomi had just never told her then they could have continued being them, being in love and being good at it.

She hears a floorboard creak upstairs and it juts her out of her rushing thoughts. She's startled at first. It's dark now, the living room dim and shadowed. She knows what's about to happen, what always happens around this time now. She's angry at the thought. She's angry at what's been done to her by the girl she loved so fully. She's so fucking angry at how much it hurts her, how stuck she is.

Naomi is building herself up to come down the stairs and ask Emily if she wants tea or if she wants to go to bed. And she comes in with those sad eyes, those eyes that scream of regret and sorrow. They break her heart all over again. Every fucking time. And she won't stop trying! She just can't have a moment without the guilt. Only she, Emily Fitch, could be the one feeling guilty about her girlfriend cheating on her with some random who goes and kills herself.

If she could open her mouth and just scream at the blonde, to shout at her and tell her everything that was rushing about inside of her, it would be something. It could be a beginning or an end but at least it would be something instead of this limbo. This waiting for the bomb to eventually drop and tear them apart one final time.

God, those eyes, those blue, shining eyes were going to come down those stairs, dart around the room avoiding her harsh glare and then they would stop and land on her own and they would apologize and apologize over and over before they would tear up and Naomi would scutter from the room under the guise of making tea.

She didn't want anymore apologies, didn't want to see or hear how sorry the blonde was. She didn't want to look at her; trying, hoping, waiting. She felt her insides gnawing at themselves. Her heart was racing and her legs were shaking of their own accord. She couldn't stand it. She couldn't wait for the nightly routine to happen yet again.

She didn't want to hate her tonight.

She let her legs do what they were telling her too as she shot up and out of the living, slipping on her vans and grabbing her coat from the hook she was out the door in seconds and out of their street in minutes.

Of all the people

Of all the people who let me down

Of all the people

Of all the people...why now?

Say to me

Save me

As she pounded the pavement of Bristol, down streets she knew inside out to one's she was sure she'd never been through before, she walked with such certainty she began to believe she actually knew where she was going.

As she passed by 'Offshore' a snapshot of the last time she was there invaded her mind. She could feel the sun warming her face and Naomi by her side on the coffee shop sofa. They had stopped for drinks, it was the day she got the moped. The day they talked of travelling. Naomi had smiled all day. They had been Naomi and Emily, the happiest couple in all the world, bathed in love and light.

Then it had just stopped. Been replaced with sadness and dark skies.

She missed those days of being happy. She used to be so very happy.

The thought sickened her now. She was so scared she'd never feel that way again. That she'd never be Naomi and Emily again.

Then she'd remember why they weren't. Why they might never be again. Those lies: Naomi's lies. God, she almost wanted to laugh it was so absurd to think of that scared little girl back in their house, having to work up the courage to come down and ask her if she wanted tea, lying to her. Cheating on her.

She cheated on her. She fucked Sophia in their house.

Emily gave her everything she had. She swallowed every ounce of fear she felt and she gave Naomi Campbell, the girl she'd had a crush on since she turned 13, every part of herself. She had been brave. So brave even though she knew, she just knew from that moment at Panda's party that she was signing up to have her heart broken, she thought the benefits outweighed the risk.

She just hadn't realised the pain of walking around with your shattered heart rattling around in your chest.

She had considered staying at home, leaving Naomi and ending it. She knew that's what was supposed to happen when someone cheated on you: you left, you walked away. But she hadn't. She'd walked to her rather than from her.

She thought that Naomi could make it better, that she could fix what she had done. It was instinct to believe that Naomi could save her. She'd given her heart, her life to the blonde. She trusted her with everything but Naomi had stomped all over it.

It was almost funny that the one person who could fix her was the one who had crushed her.

She began to recognise where she was. It made her stop dead. This building, this is where her life fell apart.

For the first time since that day she felt like staying, she felt she was in the right place. The Emily she was now felt like this was somewhere she belonged, somewhere that was familiar and made sense to her.

Heading up to the roof she walked at a leisurely pace, she didn't pound her feet into the concrete trying to get away. She felt calmer than she had in days.