Interview with a Demon (or two)
Disclaimer: I do not own Kyo Kara Maou or any of the characters portrayed in this story. If I did, things would get very interesting . . . ; )
This is dedicated to my good friend and fellow co-conspirator lunarwerewolf. I hope you and others enjoy this, because if you don't, I'll hunt you down and make you walk the plank!
~*~
Hello, and welcome to tonight's episode of Pirate's Plunder! I'm your host, El Capitan. Today we have two very special guests visiting us from the exotic and beautiful Demon Kingdom. I asked them here to finally get to the heart of a very important matter that I know each and every one of you watching wants to find out more about. Please welcome Yosak Gurrier and Lord Conrart Weller!
(Cue applause; both men walk in and take their respective seats opposite mine.)
Me: First of all, I want to thank you both for taking time out of your busy schedules to come and do this interview.
Conrart: Thank you for inviting us, even though I'm not quite sure if this will help quell the rumors you've been telling us about.
Yosak: I agree with the captain. I don't think our answers will matter much, but it sounds like it'll be fun.
Me: Um . . . I'm the captain. Were you agreeing with Lord Weller?
Yosak: Oh; right, sorry about that.
Me: No worries. Now, shall we get straight to the point? You're both aware that fan girls (and some fan boys) are writing fictional stories portraying you two as lovers, correct?
Yosak: I actually find it quite flattering. I've never read any of them myself; hell, I didn't even know about them until yesterday, but the fact that these young kids want to write about us feels pretty nice.
Me: And what about you, Lord Weller? Do you mind if I call you Conrad? I like your American name better.
Conrad: That's fine by me. Honestly, I'm not sure what to think of these 'fan fictions'. They're very . . . interesting to say the least.
Me: Have you read any of them?
Conrad: . . . I've perused a few.
Yosak: (turns to look at his brunette friend) Really? Did you find anything good?
Conrad: Yes and no. I mostly just looked at the summaries.
Yosak: You're not afraid of what's actually in them, are you?
Conrad: (looks down and pinches the bridge of his nose) No; yaoi just takes some getting used to, that's all.
Yosak: What's yaoi?
Conrad: (still looking down) I'll explain later, although honestly, I think I know more than I should.
Me: So, anyway . . . let's talk about the nature of the relationship you two actually share. Is there more than just friendship going on between you guys?
Yosak: (looks away) Oh boy, here we go. Do you wanna tell 'em or should I?
Conrad: I honestly believe that a relationship shouldn't have to be defined by things like friendship or love. Yosak and I simply share a deep bond with each other that goes back for a very long time. It's as simple as that.
Me: I had a feeling you would give an ambiguously vague answer. Ok, let me put it to you this way—are you two sleeping together?
Yosak: Oh yeah, we sleep together all the time. Although I must say that Conrart has a really bad habit of jerking his arms around while he's dreaming. He did it even when he was a kid.
Me: I think you both know that's not what I meant by that question.
Conrad: You want to know if we're engaging in sexual intercourse with one another.
Me: As you so elegantly put it, yes.
Yosak: (turns to look at Conrad) Imagine if she were having this conversation with His Majesty and Wolfram. Their faces would be as red as my hair. (He starts laughing.)
Me: Let's not avoid the question now, guys. Come on, be honest.
Conrad: Well, as I mentioned before, I don't think our answer is going to make a difference to your audience. All these fan fiction writers will simply come up with their own little fantasies about us regardless of what we say.
Me: So I guess this is going to be the hard way, huh?
Yosak: Oh, he always does things the hard way. (gives a quick wink)
Me: Was that an innuendo I just caught from you, Mr. Gurrier?
Yosak: I don't recall doing anything of the sort. Are you sure it isn't just your imagination twisting my words around?
Me: (sigh) Ok, fine; if you two won't fess up about your relationship, can you tell us what's going on with any of the other men back in Shin Makoku?
Yosak: (starts laughing) For as long as I've been a spy, I honestly have no idea what goes on at the castle. It's probably because I'm always gone on a mission so I'm never around long enough to tell. What do you think, captain?
Conrad: You're essentially asking if there's anything going on between Gwendal and Anessina, Yuri and Wolfram, etc.
Me: Well, those are the most conventional pairings, yes. But I'd be willing to hear about any other kinds of things going on over there. (cue sly, evil grin)
Yosak: Pairings? Is that what you fan people call them? And what do you mean by 'conventional'?
Me: Basically, there are a few individuals out there who get in their crazy heads to pair up people you normally wouldn't picture together, like Gwendal and Günter.
Yosak: (gets a disgusted look on his face) Lord von Voltaire and Lord von Klist?! Are you serious?!
Me: You think that's bad? You should see the Conrad-Yuri pairings.
(Yosak stands up out of his chair, dives for the nearest waste basket, and starts vomiting. Conrad thankfully appears to have more self-control than the redhead, even though a tiny part of him probably wanted to forcefully eject the inner contents of his stomach as well. After a few moments of coughing and hacking, Yosak finally gains some composure and rejoins us.)
Yosak: You mean people actually write that kind of stuff?! Geez . . . I'll have to admit, I've wondered about Lord von Voltaire and Lord von Klist sometimes, but Conrart and His Majesty? That's going way too far.
Me: Well, it's too late for that one. You name it and it's been done. There's been Gwendal-Wolfram, Wolfram-Conrad, Yuri-Murata, Murata-Shinou, Wolfram-Adelbert, Gwendal-Yuri . . .
(Yosak looks like he's going to be sick again.)
Conrad: I'm sorry, but I think we'll have to end this interview before he becomes completely traumatized. (he stands up out of his chair) Come on, Yosak; let's go. I'll buy you a drink.
Me: I'd offer you some rum if I could find it.
Conrad: That's quite all right. Thank you for your time.
Me: (I stand up and shake their hands.) Thank you for the interesting evening. Sorry about that, Yosak. We'll just pretend that part of the conversation never happened.
(Yosak merely waves his hand as Conrad gently leads him away from the stage with one arm around his friend's shoulder.)
Me: Well, there you have it folks. We may not have gotten what we wanted out of those two, but I'm sure the truth will reveal itself sooner or later. So be sure to petition your local anime network for English-dubbed episodes of season 3! Have a good night!
The End (?)