Beautiful Goodbye
I woke up on Sunday after a reasonable sleep. I say reasonable because I hadn't been sleeping very well lately. Sam was the first thing on my mind when I went to sleep and the last person on my mind when I was trying to unwind and go to sleep. Followed my usual morning routine and put on my black top shop dress paired with some black opaque tights and black ballet flats.
The train ride to work felt longer because I was anxious and I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he was leaving in two days and that I might never get the opportunity to say goodbye. Every task I did was done half-heartedly and with the knowledge that I was waiting to make a phone call that would either make my day or break my heart. Not wanting to appear too eager I waited for a decent hour to call his mom to find out when I could come by with his going away present. No Answer….
I was devastated. Random thoughts started going through my mind. Was she screening her calls? Did she not want to talk to me? Was she still asleep? Did she forget her phone on silent? The not knowing was making me even more anxious. So I did the only thing I could think of. I made myself busy and decided to call back in an hour when most normal people would definitely be awake. The customers that day were much more cordial and friendly than we'd been accustomed too over the past couple of days.
The first customers we had where a couple on holiday from Botswana and they were; looking for a coffee machine. The cost of the Jura only ever has two reactions. 1) Wow, I didn't think it would cost that much and 2) what is the after sales service like. So when they decided that they were going to have to mull it over, Simon and I weren't fazed. They came back 10 minutes later. So with us off to a relatively good start to the day I went to the store room to place another call. Again No Answer…
This whole process went on for four hours. 4 phone calls. No answer. No call back. No text.
By three thirty I'd given up so I just sent Vanessa a text to ask her if I could stop by and just drop off Sam's stuff and pick up mine. Three minutes later the phone rang. Tired of getting my hopes up I answered expecting it to be another customer needing help with the online store. But it was Vanessa. She'd forgotten her phone and only just saw my missed calls. I was relieved but still waited with bated breath as she explained what she'd been up to that day. She was about to drop Sam off at gym and she suggested that I meet him for coffee after. I was elated. But I didn't want her to think that I'd only wanted to see him so I just replied with a slight air of nonchalance. We agreed to meet at five after he was done training and I hung up.
I couldn't wait to get out of the shop and as the 30 minutes dragged on I kept thinking about what it would be like to see him one last time. Finally my shift ended and I bolted out of the store. Knowing how anxious I was I decided to go to the bathroom so I could compose myself. I took off my chef's Jacket and brushed my hair. Once I was certain that I at least looked good I left to catch the shuttle to my usual drop off zone where my brother had agreed to pick me up so he could drop me off to have coffee with Sam.
The shuttle operator was sweet. He asked me if I'd just come back from church. Not really in any mood to make conversation I answered curtly and put my earphones on. My stomach was a mess. I hadn't been able to eat in days. Food just seemed like a waste of time. And because I didn't have any vices that could help me cope with the anxiety I was feeling I just pressed shuffle on my phone and closed my eyes as Justin Timberlake's Mirrors wafted through my earphones.
The shuttle arrived 5 minutes before the eta I had given my Ivan so I decided to go freshen up and rid myself of the earphone hair I was inevitably rocking. I texted Ivan to let him know that I was just popping into the ladies, and just as I was disconnecting my earphones I received a call from Sam. Usually I miss a lot of calls because I'm busy listening to music or something or because my phone is on silent and in my bag, but not today. God had heard my prayers the last few months and as luck would have it I picked up.
''Hey Mercedes''
''Hey Sam''
''Where are you?''
''I just got to Monte so I'll be there in 10 minutes.''
''Great I just finished working out so I'm going to take a quick shower. Just buzz me when you get here. I'm really looking forward to seeing you."
"Ok"
"I'll see you in 10 minutes''
''Ok. Bye''
I dropped the phone. Just hearing his voice, the excitement, it damn near broke my heart. I couldn't bring myself to say those words. I didn't want to have puffy tear stained eyes when I saw him. It was just easier to be distant. I fixed my hair put my music away and waited for Ivan to arrive. A minute later I was on my way to the gym. Ivan was telling me about his day, but I wasn't really paying attention. I asked him what he was going to do while I was having coffee with Sam, and he said he was going to see a movie. I withdrew some money and gave him my card.
I called Sam and he told me to meet him outside the gym for him. I walked to the part of the Centre that had the gym and saw him waiting outside. What greeted me made me do a double take. A few months prior to our final encounter Sam had put on some weight due to exam stress. And because of a little comment I made, not intending it to be harsh or malicious, led to Sam signing up for gym so he could get into shape for me. I did the same thing and with 6 weeks of kick-boxing under my belt I was more toned and had dropped a cup size.
Standing in the middle of the passage was Sam, casually dressed in a grey round neck t-shirt that clung to his muscular physique and black knee length board short and a pair of slops. He looked ridiculously delicious. His hair was slightly wet from his shower and he was wearing his glasses. He looked good enough to eat.
As I walked up to him he had this smile on his face that just made me beam back at him. I had always loved the way he looked at me, even though at times it was a little disconcerting.
''Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?''
''Yeah. That sounds cool.''
He took my hand and we walked up the escalators just enjoying each other's company. When we got to the top he stopped and looked at me. His chocolate brown orbs penetrating deep into my soul.
''I've never really explored the Centre but I figure now's as good a time as any.''
''That's ok. Let's go this way.''
We slowly made our way towards a section in the Centre that was under construction. As we walked I decided I should get the ball rolling.
''So tell me everything. I haven't seen you properly since you left for your Euro trip in December and then again when you went to Cape Town.''
Before he could even begin to answer the questions I'd bombarded him with we came to a section that was cordoned off by some tape. Ever the gentleman he lifted the tape for me as I passed through. We found a little abandoned section and sat down. Fully aware that it was covered in residual cement dust, we plopped ourselves down and started to talk. Half way through answering my second question Sam stood up and put out his hand to help me up. I accepted his offer and attempted to stand up as lady like as I could manage in my thigh high dress. Upon further inspection we realized that we were completely dirty and we proceeded to dust ourselves off.
"How do I look?" Sam enquired. He had his back turned to me and honestly for the most part I was staring at his perfectly formed ass.
"You did a good job, but you missed a spot."
I walked the slight distance that stood between us and gently brushed the dust from his behind. Slowly and softly skimming the material on his shorts, ensuring that he could feel my hand but not.
"All done" I informed him as he turned around.
Having dusted me off as well as could be expected given the circumstances, I decided to ask him If I had any dust left. Now I can't be certain if there was or wasn't but he told me there was and then he continued to dust off any remnants of the dust. As his hand glided down my back I began to wish that we were in his room so that we could have had a little more privacy to engage each other the way we really wanted to, without the fear of being caught for indecent exposure and committing lascivious acts in public.
Once we were both clean he looked at me and it felt like he had the whole weight of the world to get off his chest. Rather than push I waited for him to gather his thoughts and when he'd composed himself he took a deep breath and then all these words just exploded from his mouth. Once I realized he was starting to make an apology I decided to stop him.
"Why are you Apologizing?"
"I feel like I didn't do us well. You are like this amazing, caring, extremely thoughtful person and I don't think I deserved that. It kind of makes me happy that I'm leaving so that you can find someone who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You send me all these cool links and things that are so thoughtful because you know that it will interest me, and I just don't know how I got so lucky." As he said this I realized that he could barely look at me, like it hurt him to say the things that where now just liberally flowing from his mouth.
As he finished his statement I realized that this is what he'd wanted to talk about the last time we chatted a month ago, but had refused to do it over a text. I respected and appreciated the fact that he wanted to look at me when he expressed his short comings in our friendship/relationship – because frankly we'd never even labeled what we had. I couldn't just stand there and let him think that he wasn't worth the effort I'd put into "us".
"Look Sam. I don't want you to take this the wrong way but I treat you the same way I treat everybody else I love or respect. My mom always taught me to treat people the way I would want to be treated so that's exactly how I live my life. You're extremely special to me so of course I might do the occasionally bit that slightly above the usual standard but I like you and I don't mind."
He blinked a lot as he tried to absorb what I was trying to tell him. "I don't want you to think that you're not worth the effort. " Trying to compose myself, I took a deep breath and continued to try and reiterate just how much he deserves to be loved and treated like the most important person in someone's world. Looking him in the eyes I continued. "This is who I am. It's all I know. I keep people in my life that add value to it and that is what you've done. You turned me into this crazy football fan, merely by introducing me to my new addiction Fantasy football"
He laughed. God I was going to miss that. His smile, his laugh, his entire being, but I persisted. "You add a whole new dimension to who I am and I'm grateful and thankful each day that you came into my life."
While I was talking Sam had taken my hand and was holding it in his. Looking at my fingers and caressing my wrist. With him standing so close to me all I could think of was how good it would feel to kiss him one last time. His beautiful full soft pink lips that matched my own and made me remember the first time he'd kissed me 10 months ago.
I was taken from my memory once Sam started asking me if I was going to be ok. Just like him to worry about me when he was moving away from everything and everyone that he knew in two days. "I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. I'm already looking at applying to different colleges for my Honors, still not sure where I want to go but I will go."
"Good. I just feel like you have all this potential and I don't want to see you not live up to it or worse waste it."
Hearing him say this always broke my heart just a little. I knew that I'd become complacent in the last year and that he'd felt that I had started to lack ambition. Truth was that I'd gone through something that altered me to such a state that I just needed the mundane routine of a regular job to get me through the last few months.
"I'm not going to revert back to my old ways. I promise. Last year I only read 4 books. Its only March and I've already read 25 books this year. Believe me I'm very serious about getting back on track."
He smiled. "You should tell people that you devour literature for breakfast"
The way he said it, was just like how he always use to say anything that was a clever pun. And with his adorable accent it just sounded so much sexier. I laughed.
After getting rid of the heavy stuff we started talking about everything else we had in common. Our mutual love of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. wondering out loud if Central Perk existed and how amazing it would be to be able to see it.
''I have a day laid out in New York. I plan on doing the Empire State of mind trip.'' He said it with such conviction that I felt a little bad for laughing so boisterously.
''Oh My Word!'' I said still reeling from laughter,'' There is no saving you. No way. You have to visit central park and Time Square. Don't look like a tourist though. That's how they mark their targets.''
He just looked at me and as a way of dispelling the silence I decided to tell him about my latest foray into rediscovering ancient Hip Hop Beef.
"So I was going through some of my old rap albums and I came across 'Super Ugly'. Then I had download all the tracks related to it just so I could remember a time when rappers used to battle through verses and lyrics and not over twitter.''
He chuckled. '' Have you heard 'Ether'?'' he said while he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer while quietly contemplating what I was saying.
''Dude! Seriously! I died the first time I heard that track.'' And then without warning, as he is prone to doing, he started spitting the verse from Jay-z's Take Over track that has started all the beef.
After he was done he started reciting an excerpt from a You -Tube video he'd seen about success. As he spoke I couldn't help but be in total awe of his passion and attention to detail. He was so excited and his entire face just lit up when he noticed that I was enjoying his performance. Knowing that I was completely enthralled he started doing impressions from 'The Boondocks'. Just another thing we had in common. Wow. I was really going to miss him I realized. Never again would I be able to see him and hear him quoting and reciting extracts from books, movies and TV shows. He must have realized that I was no longer as engrossed as I had been because he started to get serious again.
''Look, I know I'm leaving but it doesn't mean we can't stay in touch. We can e-mail and text all the time.'' I just shook my head.
''That means you have to actually start replying to my e-mails.'' I hit his shoulder just for good measure.
''I reply to all your e-mails.'' He said it with such conviction that I just decided to let it go. ''Speaking of e-mails. Is it possible for you to send me links for good websites to download e-books?''
I looked at him incredulously. ''Sam! I sent you a list. Then I sent you a revised and amended list.''
He just looked at me with this sheepish grin and said,'' I have the links Mercedes, it's just that my god parents don't have a TV and I'm going to be doing a lot of reading. So I need a site that can cater to a huge variety of topics.''
Feeling a little bad for my reaction I let the slight grip I had on his arms slip and edged away. ''The good news is that I actually have found a new site to get books. What's the title of that book by Paul Arden that has the really long Title?''
"It's not how good you are, but how good you want to be. Or something along those lines.''
''Ok so I'll send you a new list and I expect a timeous reply.'' As I finished speaking he reached down and took my hands in his, and intertwined our fingers. I looked down and smiled.
''I like your Bracelet,'' he uttered cheekily, ''Bands at make her dance.'' Mimicking the lyrics from the Juicy J track we'd used to describe the Rhino bands.
''I wear it every day.'' I replied and I noticed that he was also wearing one. ''I've been meaning to ask you how your band scheme went?''
''On Friday I spent the whole day here. I put 5 mediums on my left arm and 5 large ones on my right arm and just pounced.'' He released my hand while he was demonstrating his tale with all the finesse and drama that made him an excellent story teller. ''Then there were these 2 guys who brought 4 bands and I said. I may not have 2 chainz but I just sold 4 bracelets.''
''I say that all the time. I actually hate myself for singing along to that song. Seriously I feel like all these earworms are just making people stupid. I still haven't heard or seen that Harlem shake video that everybody is buzzing about. Fool me once with Ganham Style but I refuse to be folly to any more of these shenanigans.''
''Did you see that Man City also put up a video?'' he asked me. He looked completely amused but my outburst.
"I saw the link and was so tempted but then I asked myself if I'd ever forgive myself for it. I mean the thought of seeing Teves dancing made me laugh, but in the end my sensibility and reasoning won out.'' just as I was about to tell him about my Euro trip his phone rang. He took it out of his pocket, looked at the screen and put it back in his pocket. I was touched.
''So I'm still paying off my trip and we leave in October, not to hot and not too cold." Always amused by my general disdain for the heat he just listened intently as I continued to ramble about our basic itinerary.
''You can't just pick a place based on the weather.'' He smirked. ''You remind me of my friend, he's black and when we were applying to varsities he asked me which states had good weather and where it was more likely to be snowy. When I told him that the States near New York were more prone to cold weather and that those near California were warmer he applied to them. '' he was laughing now.
''Look. I know climatology isn't the best way to make a big decision but I can't handle the heat. If I had to move anywhere from home I'd probably go to the UK. I love the dreary weather. Give me rain and overcast weather over blue skies any day.''
''I love rainy weather too.'' Looking at Sam as he spoke made my stomach knot. How could he be this perfect for me and yet fate had chosen to intervene. Life wasn't fair but I'd come to accept that sometimes you just have to accept that things don't always work out the way you want. His phone started ringing again and again he ignored it.
"Who do you keep ignoring?'' I asked him candidly.
''What time is it?'' he enquired as he adjusted his glasses with my left hand because he didn't want to let go of my hand.
I glanced down at my watch and told him. He looked a little upset. His phone rang again and this time he answered. When he finished he looked a little crumpled and the worse for wear. "I have to go in 5 minutes.'' He pulled me in for an embrace and I lay my head on his chest and just absorbed his smell and savored the feeling of being in his arms one last time. "I don't know what to do. Should we kiss or …'' I just hugged him tighter and then I slowly turned my face and he was looking at me. That look that conveyed all the tenderness that he felt, and as our eyes locked he leaned in and kissed me. It felt like we were the only people in the world and time stood still for just that moment. As our lips met I could feel his heartbeat. An innocent, sweet and soft goodbye. Our lips parted and we gathered our belongings.
"I put your DVDs in my favorite bag. The one I'm taking with me to the States.'' He unzipped his bag and I was finally reunited with the first half of my F.R.I.E.N.D.S collection.
''Oh how I've missed you.'' I said. Sam just shook his head. I reached for the packet that I had that contained his present.
''Before I forget I brought you something, a farewell gift of sorts.'' I handed him the parcel. It was wrapped in turquoise blue printed wrapping paper with a brown bow. '' I didn't wrap it in case you were wondering.'' He took the gift and started to protest.
"I told you not to get me anything because I decided I didn't want to do the whole gift exchange thing.'' I stared at him like he'd just uttered something foreign.
''I don't know what you're on about. It's a book so it doesn't even qualify as a present.'' He looked at me sheepishly.
''I'm sorry. I must sound so ungrateful. Thank you. I'll open it later.'' He kissed me on my forehead and hugged me. I handed him the book id been hording for the past 6 months.
''Thanks for getting me started.'' He laughed.
''It seems like I'm the reason for quite a few of your addictions.'' I shook my head. This boy was going to be the end of me. I chose to ignore his comment and we started walking towards civilization and towards reality. Our bubble finally burst. He stepped through the tape and held it up as I came up behind him.
''Goodbye Mercedes.''
''Goodbye Sam.'' And with those final words uttered we parted ways.
FIN...