And The Heavens Will Wash Away My Tears
"Cora, please don't tell me yer said what I think yer just said?" Sarah O'Brien had been relaxing on the settee in the home she shared with Hollywood actress Cora Crawley. She sat half upright on the plush sofa with her lover's head in her lap. She'd been gently playing with Cora's hair as they had spoken about Cora's plans for the next few days.
"I thought perhaps it would best for you to visit your parents for a week or two, just until everything has settled down." Sarah pushed Cora off her lap and stood up to face her lover. This was a conversation she would rather have face to face.
"So you don't want me there?" Sarah would readily admit that she'd been stung by Cora's words. At a time like this she ought to be right by Cora's side, helping each other through the darkest of days.
"Of course I do but the world's press will be hounding us at every turn and I can't risk it." Sarah noted the use of the word 'I' as though they weren't in this together and it was entirely on Cora's shoulders. Like it was only Cora's life that would be affected if the press did find out about their relationship.
"Cora, this isn't the BAFTA's, this is Sybil's funeral fer fuck's sake! I've seen 'er grow into a young woman from the age of eight. I've helped yer to bring 'er up and you want ter send me away like some dirty little secret?" Sarah's tone was incredulous, how could Cora even think about treating her like this?
"Sarah, you know what the situation is. If you turn up they'll start putting two and two together and before you know it every newspaper will be carrying a story about us. I can't do that to Sybil, or Tom and the baby. She deserves to be laid to rest in peace." The American sounded so bloody convinced of her own words; Sarah wanted to laugh in disbelief.
"I understand that Cora, I really do but don't yer think that I'm grieving too? Don't yer think I want ter say goodbye ter someone who's practically been the daughter I never 'ad fer the last sixteen years?" Sarah's voice caught on the last part of her sentence and Cora stood up and reached out to hug her lover but Sarah shrugged her efforts away. Cora always managed to get round any argument by offering physical comfort but Sarah couldn't afford to let her get away with it this time.
"Sarah, please don't be upset with me. It's just the way it is, you know that." Cora genuinely seemed to think that what she was saying was perfectly reasonable. Sarah let most things go for the sake of a quiet life but this was something else entirely. She'd not been particularly close to Sybil, but she had been the youngest of Cora's daughters and the one who she had seen grow the most.
"Do I mean nothing to you? Honestly? You're refusing to allow me to attend Sybil's funeral?"
"I'm sure she knows that you would be there if you could without causing a fuss." It's all Sarah had heard the last few days since the young woman's death. Everything was 'what Sybil would have wanted' as though it were a justification for some of Cora and Robert's more questionable decisions.
"I don't believe yer doing this now! I've been pushed out of so many important things in yer life and the one time I 'ave a right ter be there and you're pushing me out again?! I can't do this anymore Cora! I've tried so hard ter hold it all together but I can't this time. I know this is lousy timing but this situation is just shit." Sarah was hurt beyond words and she couldn't understand why Cora couldn't see it.
"Sarah?" Cora finally seemed to be worried at the direction this conversation had taken and tried to reach out to her lover once again.
"I'm leaving and I don't think I'll be coming back." The words hung in the air as the two women stared at each other in shock. Sarah never thought that she would actually have the courage to say something to Cora. She'd had more than her fair share of ups and downs since they'd become lovers and had to keep their relationship secret for the sake of the media. Most of the time she sulked for a while, Cora talked her round and they went on as they had done before but this time was different. Sarah deserved to be at Sybil's funeral, not only that but she wanted to be there to help start her own grieving process. That was something that Cora just didn't seem to understand, that Sarah was grieving herself. Things had been strained for a while if Sarah was completely honest with herself, beginning with each of the three girls and their respective weddings; yet another series of occasions where Sarah had been left out. Then there was Sybil's baby, Cora's first grandchild and once again Sarah had been pushed out of the way despite the fact that Sybil herself was more than happy for Sarah to be involved. This was the very last straw and for the sake of her sanity Sarah decided that she needed space away from Cora and the bloody Crawley dynasty.
Cora had been a successful Hollywood star in her youth, engaged to a young upcoming actor and had a flood of high-profile roles. She was the belle of the industry and was constantly in the public eye. She did the chat shows, commercials and her face was plastered all over billboards up and down the country. There was barely a person who did not know her name. Unfortunately her relationship broke up in front of the cameras as her fiancé left her for another young, high profile actress. There was the inevitable media circus over the whole affair and she tried to bury herself in her work to shake off the image of the wronged woman. And then Robert Crawley had come along. He was an English playwright who was looking for the ideal woman to star in the film version of his latest screenplay. Cora Levinson was just the sort of person that could add interest in his film on a global scale. Cora was in the right place at the right time emotionally, financially and career wise to give it a shot. Robert's film was an international success; it solidified his career and boosted Cora's even further. Cora had felt so euphoric that when Robert proposed to her she didn't even hesitate to say yes. In those first ten years they became a celebrity golden couple and both went on to have incredibly successful careers. Mary came along very soon after they had set up home in London, Edith and Sybil following closely behind. But after ten years Cora lost all sense of herself and her career took a nose dive. She ended up with cameo roles in British soap operas and did the daytime television rounds. It was a far cry from that initial Hollywood glitz and glamour.
And then she met Sarah O'Brien on the set of a period drama where she had been given the lead role. It led to a resurgence in the public interest in her and renewed her career. But she had not been happy in her marriage for a long time and she and Robert stayed together for appearances sake only. They were worth more as a couple than they ever would be apart and to separate the estate would cause so much legal hassle. Besides, the girls were still relatively young and it would be better for them to have the stability of two parents and to be kept out of the media interest. She and Sarah shared relatively little screen time together but they had become firm friends on set which had gradually spilled over in to real life. Sarah was an openly gay actress and had done rather well to have come out in the early nineties and still be selected for many varied and different roles. So many gay actors found their work had dried up or that they'd only been offered stereotypical roles to play once they had come out. Things had gradually progressed between them and Cora found herself questioning the exact nature of their relationship. Sarah had been so good with her and allowed her to have her space and time to come to terms with what she was feeling before they finally gave in and began a proper relationship. Robert knew and had his dalliances but they had agreed to keep their extra martial relationships out of the public eye. Cora set up home with Sarah in the east wing of the large estate she owned with Robert and he had the west wing to do as he pleased. The girls lived between them and everyone seemed to understand the arrangement. Robert intensely disliked Sarah and had done since before he knew about her relationship with his wife. Sarah was a very earthy woman, she'd come from humble roots and had no formal acting training. Robert had been Eton educated and a graduate of RADA he was an open snob when it came to money and the good things in life. However Sarah had made a good, solid name for herself in the British film and television industry and had been the lead actress in several internationally acclaimed British films.
A short while later Sarah had stuffed some clothes into a suitcase with a few other precious items and had dragged it down to the bottom of the spiral staircase. She jumped slightly as thunder clapped loudly in the sky and rumbled on into the distance.
"Sarah, please don't do this." Cora met her lover in the hallway between the stairs and the main entrance to the east wing. She had hoped that Sarah would have had time to calm down and think about the situation rationally.
"I'm sorry Cora but I think it's fer the best. Yer don't want me around at the moment anyway." Sarah saw a flash of lightening through the panes of glass in the door and grabbed her mackintosh and umbrella from the peg above her.
"You know I didn't mean it like that. I love you, I want you stay, I need you." Sarah snorted derisively.
"Yer obviously don't need me enough if yer don't want me at Sybil's funeral. I'm sorry Cora but I've got ter go." Sarah pulled open the door as the thunder rumbled once again and the skies let forth a deluge of rain. Sarah mused how it was funny that the weather always seemed to reflect how she felt inside at the most dramatic points in her life. She refused to cry, not in front of Cora anyway. Sarah pulled up the handle of her suitcase and dragged it to the doorstep.
"Please Sarah, don't…" Sarah shook her head and stepped outside. She popped open the umbrella and secured it before she began to walk away. Cora followed after her, clad only in slippers and a thin jumper and jeans. Tears ran down her cheeks and mingled with the rain that was rapidly soaking through her clothes and drenching her hair.
"Don't leave me, please. I love you Sarah!" The American woman sobbed as she stood in the middle of the extensive driveway getting wetter and wetter as the rain relentlessly poured down over her. Sarah's heart broke impossibly more than it had done so already but she had to remain strong this time otherwise she would never have the courage to go through with it. Her best friend Thomas had been watching their relationship from the side lines for many years and had been angry that she'd given herself over to Cora so completely that she'd almost forgotten who she was independent of her lover. Sarah turned around and addressed Cora. She looked so vulnerable and pathetic standing in pouring rain, soaked to the skin and begging for Sarah to come back to her.
"I love yer so much that it hurts Cora and it has been 'urting me fer too long. I can't be pushed ter one side anymore. I need ter be important enough to be acknowledged in yer life." A black cab turned into the driveway and honked loudly enough to break the intensity of the moment. Cora stood and sobbed as she watched Sarah put her suitcase into the boot of the cab and climb into the passenger seat. She yelled 'I love you' as the cab pulled away and a streak of lightening lit up the sky as she felt the stabbing pain of grief strike her heart once more.