Reflections
It's the third Glee Club meeting of the year when Sam and Mercedes decide to tell the rest of the club that they're dating. Everyone reacts as they'd be expected to- Rachel hugs them both excitedly and then proceeds to start chattering on about what duets they should sing, Brittany makes an out there comment which leaves everyone looking confused, Kurt raises his eyebrows at them as if to say "you really think I didn't know?" And Santana just sits there, looking bored as usual.
She hides behind her compact mirror, staring at the sadness in her eyes, ferociously blinking back tears. Why does she feel like this? She shouldn't feel like this! He's Trouty Mouth, for crying out loud! And she's a lesbian, isn't she? So why does she have that same feeling she used to have whenever she saw Brittany with Artie? When did that happen? She can't feel that way about him, she just can't. Especially not now. Not now that he's happy with Mercedes.
Not after how she treated him.
That's when she experiences a completely new feeling. Regret? No. Something more like… guilt?
And suddenly the tears are threatening to pour over, these stupid emotions threatening to consume her. She quickly excuses herself, murmuring something about forgetting a book in her locker. As soon as she's out of the choir room, she breaks into a run, and makes it about three quarters of the way to the bathroom before she breaks down.
Tears tumble down her face as she slowly sinks to the ground, and her entire body shakes with sobs. She's cried plenty of times before- despite her tough girl act, she can't help but show emotion at times, especially when she's drunk- but she's never felt so alone before. So completely vulnerable and isolated.
Well, except for that one other time. The other time she had had nobody to comfort her, only then it had been because the one person who was usually always there for her had been the one causing the pain. The time she had poured her heart out to Brittany, and been rejected. The time she had sobbed in her car, bitter and alone, crushed but at the same time furious at Brittany for making her feel that way.
Only this time she has nobody but herself to blame. Nobody else made fun of Sam's mouth. Nobody else told him that he wasn't cool enough, that he was too dorky.
Nobody else started dating Karofsky without even breaking up with him.
And that's when she realises she has to fix things. Not for her, so that she can win him back. Just because he deserves an apology. He didn't deserve any of the things she did to him. She needs to make it right.
At that moment she realises that she's never really done anything for completely unselfish reasons. She ruined Quinn and Puck's blossoming romance because she wanted her sex buddy back; she destroyed Finn and Rachel's relationship because Rachel was getting on her last nerve. She couldn't let Brittany be happy with Artie because it was too hard for her to stand by and watch someone else with the one she loved. In fact, the only time she can remember doing something without thinking about herself is the moment when she had turned to a miserable Sam and given him a comforting smile and wave. And then she'd gone and ruined that too by wrecking his relationship as well.
As she begins to calm down, she realises she's still sitting in the middle of the hallway, where anyone could see her. She quickly stands back up, her head throbbing from all the crying she's just done. She glances at her watch. Glee Club will have ended by now. Wiping her eyes, she heads back towards the choir room, hoping to run into Sam on his way out.
She does. He's on his own, luckily. Santana doesn't want to go through the humiliation of apologising in front of any of the others. She checks her reflection again, hoping it's not too obvious she's just been bawling her eyes out. She doesn't look too good, but it'll have to do.
"Hey Trou… Sam!"
He turns to face her, looking surprised- either by the fact that she's talking to him or by the fact that she just called him by his real name. Great, that makes her feel better. This isn't about you, she reminds herself firmly.
"I…um… I just wanted to say that I'm happy for you." She speaks quickly, embarrassed.
"Oh, uh, thanks Santana" he replies, taken off guard.
"And also that I'm…I'm really sorry. For how I treated you when I ended our relationship. And, you know, during it."
He smiles slightly, and her heart flutters. What? Since when does her heart flutter?
"Thanks. I really appreciate that."
All of a sudden they're staring into each other's eyes, and she feels that spark again, the one she felt on Valentine's Day when they had shared that smile. Like something just…clicks. Like everything makes sense.
And then the moment's over, and he's walking away, and her heart twists uncomfortably again.