The Pain Of The Past
The story of Xena's past
(part 1)
Xena, Gabrielle, and any other characters that have appeared on the Television series Xena: Warrior Princess do not belong to me but to the creators. *WARNING: this story contains violence, abuse, and sex please e-mail any feed back to me at Amzngirl04@aol.com ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````` The two heroes silently walked down the path to Amphipolis. Gabrielle was unusually quite that afternoon and seemed uncomfortable.
"Something wrong?" Xena asked her friend. Gabrielle looked across at Xena and shook her head.
"No.. i'm just thinking about some things"
"Want to talk about it?" Xena offered
" That's up to you"
" What do you mean?"
Gabrielle stopped walking and turned to face Xena.
"Well, I've noticed that a lot of things and people we go up against are from your past..people you've hurt, things you did, I just think we could deal with these conflicts a lot easier if I knew everything before hand..Xena I know it hurts you to talk about your past, but I want to know. It just seems like even now through all the years I've known you. your still a mystery."
Xena looked down at the dirt debating weather to tell Gabrielle everything. Gabrielle noticed Xena holding back tears and changed her mind.
"I'm sorry Xena, you don't have to tell me, I know it hur-"
"No.no it's ok, your right, you deserve to know" Xena spoke choked with emotion and sucked in a deep breath of air and started to walk again.
"My family and I lived on a farm right outside of amphipolis. My mom owned a tavern and my father was a great warrior, or at least I thought so at the time. My older brother Toris was about three years older than me. My father would teach Toris how to use a sword, I wanted to learn also but they both told me I was to young and that a lady doesn't fight, but I wasn't any normal girl, I've always been tough. I was only seven and Lyceus was 6. Lyceus and i were very close we were always together. Toris on the other hand was my worst enemy, we always were arguing about something. That year my father came home late on night in a drunken rage, I listened from my room to my mother and father fight.
All I heard him say was "Ares commanded that I kill her, she must die"
I had never heard my father talk about killing anyone. I was shocked. I wanted to keep listening, I wanted to find out exactly what he was talking about, but Toris pulled me back into my room. The next day my father was gone. Mother said that he left and wasn't coming back. It hurt, I loved my father, I was angry and upset that he left me. I could tell my brothers were upset also, but my mother always knew how to take our minds of it. Besides Lyceus, my only good friends were Flora and Marcus, who was more Toris's friend but I had a crush on him. On afternoons when I wasn't doing my chores around the farm, Lyceus and I would sneak my fathers swords out behind the house and pretend to be great warriors fighting in battle against the enemy. Occasionally I'd get Toris to teach me a few moves. I was always getting in trouble, getting dirty, getting in fights (mostly with Toris). By the time I was 13 I was pretty good with a sword, at least for my age. I was 15 when I found out that my village was going to be attacked by the warlord Cortees. Before they came we were called into town for a meeting. A man from Cortees's army came to speak to us, his name was Turin.
" Villagers of Amphipolis, I suggest that you gather all the food, supplies and valuables you own and hand them over to cortees by noon tomorrow.. or die" Turin threatened.
To me that wasn't a fair deal and I felt the need to share my opinion with the man and my neighbors.
" Your not getting anything of ours, we have all worked to hard and lived here to long to just give it all up. Were not going down with out a fight." I spoke confidently.
" Don't be a fool little girl, we will kill you"
" I'd rather die standing on my feet than live on my knees" I said, The solider was a bit taken back by my bravery but still looked at me as if I was crazy.
" So be it, just heed my warning" the man spoke angrily and left the Inn.
I suggested and insisted that we formed a defense against Cortees. I was only 15 but I was very persuasive,. Lyceus helped me urge them on, but Toris didn't agree with me as usual. He thought it would be best for our village to escape into hills, but I knew they would just hunt us down and kill us, even if we did give them what they wanted. I replaced the peoples fear with courage, I convinced them to fight. I told my village to gather any weapons they had and meet in front of the Inn noon the next day. Lyceus wanted to fight and I would have let him, but mother wanted to keep him in the tavern with her and the rest of the women and children.
" How did your mother feel about you taking lead like that?" Gabrielle asked
" She hated it, she tried to talk me out of it but I had already talked myself into it"..
" Xena please don't do this" my mother pleaded
" What are we supposed to do, let them take our belongings, our pride, our life's?" I explained
" This is not one of your games Xena, this is serious" mother mocked
" I'm doing this mother..with or without your support" ....
The next day the village adults and young men lined up to fight.. More correctly to die. I walked to the front of the line with my fathers sword in hand..I was scared, and still the scariest thing of all was seeing cortees's army come over the hills of Amphipolis. We were way out numbered, but I wasn't about to give up.
"ATTACK" I screamed and the people of Amphipolis ran into battle. I came to my first opponent and he was much harder to defeat than expected, the best thing I could do was to doge him and run away. I noticed Toris wasn't out fighting I figured he had ran to the hills like a coward. I continued the best I could and continued fighting; I was managing to keep myself alive, which is more than I can say for the other people that were fighting. My neighbors and friends were getting cut down left and right. I started to lose hope that we could win but I would fight till the end. I took a moment to observe the horror and spotted one of cortese's men headed for the inn. I ran at him as fast as ever possible and jumped unto his back knocking him down. I then noticed it was Turin. I rolled over his fallen body and fell on my back into the dirt. I tried to get up but before I was able to the man was raising his sword above my head ready to strike.then I went with my first gut instinct and swung my sword as hard as I could upward and across his throat. The sound of the man gasping for air and the feel of the sword tearing through skin made me shiver. It seemed like slow motion the way the man fell. I stood up before him looking my sword over. The entire tip of it was bloody and it slowly dripped down. My first kill, the one all always remember. I wasn't sure at the time if I should be proud of myself or ashamed. All I could do was stare at the sword and the body that I had taken the life from. While I wasn't paying attention to what was going on, another man came up behind me and struck the back of my head with the hilt of his sword. I fell hard to the ground, I struggled to stay concius, My vision was blurry and I kept getting dizzier. I slowly turned over and saw the shadow of a man standing over me with a sword. I heard Lyceus scream my name, and then I saw him run out of the tavern. He charged the warrior and tried to disarm him, but he wasn't strong enough, The warlord knocked him down.and what happened next was the exact moment that changed me, I became filled with hate and vengeance. The man killed him. He murdered my little brother.. I ran in anger at the man who killed lyceus and ran my sword through his stomach. I looked him in the eyes, and held the sword in him enjoying the moment, then I pulled it out and I ran to my brother's side.. His eye's stared blankly up at me, he was covered in blood.
" Lyceus.No, don't leave me.no" I screamed to him, but he was already dead. I laid over him crying, and every warlord that came near me.I killed. I was blind with hate. not much longer Cortees's men retreated, but we had still lost. I was cut and bruised and bloody, some of the blood was mine but most of it wasn't. The blood made me sick to my stomach and I was dizzy from exhaustion. I turned and looked at my brother's body but had to stumble into some bushes by a well were I threw up. I sat on the ground and wiped my mouth, but all I got was a handful of blood and I threw up again. I washed myself up and sat to think about what had just happened to me.. By the time the sun started to go down I felt well enough to go back.. I walked across the village battlefield. The bodies had all been brought in but the horror was still there. I entered the tavern and saw my neighbors mourning their dead family members and others tending to the injured. I spotted Lycues's body in the back of the building. I walked up to the table he laid on and stared at him, praying that he would come back..I felt guilty, I felt that it was all my fault. It didn't help when my mother told me it was my fault, she said that I might as well of killed Lyceus and the rest of the village myself. I was ashamed and left town, I figured everyone would be happier if I did. I didn't know where I would go or who I'd meet I didn't care. I just wanted to leave..
After traveling a couple days I discovered a camp of warriors, ugly smell barbaric warriors. I didn't want to go in there but I didn't have much of a choice, I needed food and water. I didn't know how to approach them so I just strolled into camp. Every single one of the men looked up from what they were doing and stared at me..
" You there. Stop!" one of the men yelled. I stopped and looked at him trying to be brave.
" What do you think your doing?" he continued.
" I-.I- want" I said stuttering, I stuttered because I was scared, but I couldn't let them know that.
" I want to join your army" I commanded. All the men burst out Laughing at the thought of a very young teenage girl trying to join an army.
" SHUT UP.I'm serious.I.I'm a warrior.I've killed many men" I shouted over the laughter.
"Prove it" The man challenged. He was obviously the leader. He signaled to two of his men who brought out an old peasant man from one of the tents. They brought the man in front of me and threw him down at my feet. One of the men handed me a large dagger.
" kill him" the warrior ordered. I took the dagger and looked at him awkwardly, then glanced at the old man. I couldn't take his life, he was innocent.
" NO.I ca-" but before I could finish my refusal the leader punched me, I fell to the ground, blood begging to drip from my nose.
" DO IT" he hollered
" No" I answered trying to stay strong. He continued to beat me. I was in indescribable pain; I was about to let this barbarian beat me to death. I felt the man's weight on my back; he started to pound on me. Before I was about to go into unconsciousness I noticed the dagger he had given me, I reached my arm out from underneath myself and grabbed the dagger, I quickly twisted my body around as much as I could and drove it into his skull. There was silence from everyone and the man I killed had a look of shock in his dead face. His heavy corps fell on me but some how I managed to get out form underneath him. The warriors told me I could be in there army as long as I cooked and cleaned for them and obeyed everything they told me to do. The new leaders name was Ibec, He was an awful man. He beat me for any reason, I was starved and raped.. I slept on the ground next to their other slave who was an old woman named Clyma, she was bitter and treated me not much better then the men did. I learned a lot from her though. She taught me about medicines and healing, and about different kinds of poisons. When the men went out to destroy villages I would usually have to stay behind but I liked it that way. I got to roam around the camp with out fearing being punished for something. I would teach my self-how to use javelins and bows and staffs. After about a month that I was there I met the man who would play a huge roll in my life as a warrior, a man who's ways became a part of me and always will be.
" Ares?"
" Yes Ares..he came to me one day when the men were out..I was looking through the weapons rack, and picked up a large sword. Out of no were a voice whispered,
" That's a nice one" I threw the sword up in shock, it fell on the other swords knocking a whole row to the ground. I turned around in fear expecting to see Ibec and awaited a beating, but instead I saw a tall, dark, handsome man dressed all in black. He held himself confidently and was flawless.
" Who are you? .You shouldn't be here" I asked and warned
" I'm here to help you" he said graciously
" Help me? You're doing anything but" I huffed and bent down to pick up the swords.
" I'm offering you freedom, and power" he seductively whispered and approached me.
" Your crazy .. Who are you?" I asked again
" I'm Ares, god of war" I looked at him with a smirk and turned my back to him to put the sword on the rack.
" That's a big name your throwing around, The REAL Ares might strike you down" I laughed.
Suddenly his arms were gently on my shoulders and I was engulfed by a sensation of power, pleasure, and fearlessness. It was warm and safe.
" That is the power that I can give you..meet me here tonight and I will train you to escape and you will become a great warrior and conquer nations, and rule as my queen"
When he finished speaking the feeling was gone and so was he. I met him that night. He told me I could have all that as long as I agreed to worship him and fight in his name. I agreed of course, he was a god it all sounded so perfect. So for the next three months he trained me to escape, I poisoned some of the men and butchered a few others, but just enough to get away. I ran away from the camp into the forest till I couldn't run any longer. I collapsed on the ground out of breath. Not much longer I was startled by the noise of footsteps behind me. I thought one of the men had followed me to bring me back. I stood up with a knife in my hand ready to fight. Then something or someone jumped out at me from the side and lay on top of me.
" Get off, get off" I yelled and who ever it was got up.
" Sorry Xena I thought you were an enemy" I couldn't see who it was but it sounded like a young man, he had a friendly and familiar voice.
" I'm just passing through,. how do you know my name?" I asked
" Xena.How could I not?"
I then realized who it was and I was so relived. It was Marcus, I ran to him and we embraced. Marcus and I talked for hours about our lives and what had happened the past couple of moths. I felt I could tell him anything. The next day he took me back to his camp, Marcus had also joined up with an army. They were a much richer and classier then the one I'd been at. They were lead by a warrior named Durin. The first time I met him I gave him an attitude, which was a very bad start..
" How can I help you Marcus?" Durin asked while polishing his valuables.
" Sir, this is Xena.she is an experienced fighter and would like to join your army" Marcus said pushing me into view
" She does?..how old are you Xena .10" he asked me as if I were a baby. I sneered at him then answered.
" No.but I'm still not even half your age"
He laughed at my rude remark that was a bit insulting to me.
"she has a quick tongue, I like that. She just has to learn when it's appropriate to use it" He changed his laughter to a more professional tone and continued.
"So.exactly what kind of experience do you have?" Who trained you, have you been a member of an army before, how-"
" I was born in Amphipolis, I HAD a younger brother and have an older brother. My father left when I was seven. When I was 15 my village was attacked, I set up a defense and my village was torched and my younger brother died. My village hated me and I ran away to a group of warlords who beat me, starved me, and raped me. I trained myself to escape and here I am.any more questions?"
Durin stopped what he was doing and looked up at me with his jaw open and sat in his chair a moment. He next stood up to poor himself some more wine and then he spoke.
" Well..Marcus I expect you to teach her respect and obedience to her commander while she's here because it is something she clearly lacks"
"Yes sir"
"Your uniform and weapons will be here tomorrow morning,- Marcus take her to the empty tent across from yours"
"Thank you sir".
Durin gave me two-piece black leather uniform and weapons. I got my own small tent and I got to go on raids to villages with them. It all would have worked out for me but I never followed orders and was always starting fights. I had grown close to Marcus and had a few first experiences with him. One day Durin left camp for a week to get new supplies, he left his second in command Galen, in charge. I hated Galen and he hated me. I tried my best to drive him insane. Galen lead us on a raid on the town of Dreus where I stole a few things for myself, unfortunately I was caught. Galen had fun that nigh abusing me with harsh words..
" You will be dealt with when durin gets back, but don't think I wouldn't love to punish you myself..look at me you worthless whore!" he screamed and struck me across the face. I wouldn't allow him to have any satisfaction from me, so I showed no reaction from the blow and stood to face him again.
"Brave are you? Well let me give you a little dose of reality.you're a lowlife with no future, you're a traitor, a murderer, and a harlot.you'll never accomplish anything, your destined to die a pointless death at a young age" He spat. I could only stare at him with anger flowing through my every vein. I left his tent disgusted trying to control myself, I couldn't help to wonder If what he said about me was true. I would have been fine but Ares paid me a visit..
"Ouch.that had to hurt, are you gonna let him talk to you that way?" Ares asked a bit mockingly
"His me superior I have to listen to him or I'll be in even more trouble"
"Superior? I don't think so.not if you ."
" What?"
"Kill him" he said persuasively
I gladly agreed. I went back into his tent and seduced Galen, and as soon as he let his guard down.I killed him. One of the men saw me do it and called an attack on me. I was charged by all the men in the camp and fought them off. I then got one of the men down and held my sword at his throat. Before I could continue a warrior ordered me to stop. There was at least fifteen men surrounding me with arrows aimed right for me, I saw Marcus in the back of the crowd and threw the man and my sword down. The men took me and held me, I was to be banished the next day. I didn't get to say a proper goodbye to Marcus, it was painful leaving him because I loved him and I knew I wouldn't see him again for a very long time. But I never let my emotion show.
After I was banished from Durin's camp, I wandered around the area of amphipolis. I would start back to my hometown but never got up enough guts to actually go. So I stole the food I needed and whatever else I thought necessary. I eventually stole a horse and traveled to southern Greece. There I came across another camp of warriors, much like Ibec's camp of scum. But this time I was a bit more confident and demanding. I rode into the camp, dismounted my horse, and walked up to the guard who was standing watch at the leaders tent.
" Stop.what is your business here?" asked the guard.
" I wish to speak to your commander" I ordered. The guard disappeared into the tent for a few seconds then came out.
"Petreakles will see you"
Petrakles..I know how this story ends" Gabrielle interrupted. Xena rolled her eyes.
"you don't know the half of it.but anyways, when I entered the tent I saw a tall young man with long brown hair, he only looked a few years older than me. He was leaning over a table observing a map of the area. With out looking up he spoke to me.
" What do you want?".A devilish smiled crossed my face, this would be to easy, a man that young would be simply fooled.
"I was wondering if you could help me" I said sweetly. He looked up at me surprised. I don't know what his solider told him, but I don't think he was expecting to see a girl, or such a young one. After he got over the shock and noticed the seductive smile I was giving him he smiled back.
" And how can I do that?" he asked gently
" Well you see.I'm a warrior, without an army.and you're an army.without me" I said walking towards him. He closed the distance between us and stroked my cheek with his hand.
" How does an army like mine obtain a warrior such as you?"
"Just take me" I answered.. and he did. Back then I thought the only way for me to survive was through violence, and the only way to get what I wanted was through sex....Petrakles made me second in command. I helped him to civilize his men and train them. Pertekles would often go off to buy weaponry for his army and I would be in charge of the raids, one of the raids happened to be on Cirra.
"Collisto's village" Gabrielle said finishing her sentence.
"Yes, it was on e time me and my army were responsible for killing women and children, I was never one for doing that, but terrible accidents happen all the time. Petrakles and I were becoming very successful and earning us a reputation. At the same time I started to fall for him, no longer just using him for power, but I actually started to have feelings for him. If he really did feel the same way about me at the time I don't know, but one morning he asked me to marry him, I enthusiastically said yes, I was so happy I couldn't believe it. Petrakles and I planned the wedding, and things were going great for about a week and then he broke my heart. I went to the tent one afternoon to discus the village we scheduled to attack the next day. He again was leaned over the table with the map on it, concentrating very hard.
" The village knows were coming, my scouts tell me they are setting up a defense, we could surprise them from the back: I suggested and walked to a table and poured petrekles and myself a glass of wine. I walked over to him and set his glass in front of him.
" What's wrong?" I asked him.he didn't look up, he just stared down at the map.
"Petrackles.are you alright?" I asked him again this time lifting his chin up to face me. He looked scared and hurt, I wasn't quite sure how to react to him, and I leaned into kiss him but he turned his face leaving me to kiss his cheek.
" What's your problem?" I asked frustrated. He turned back to look me in the eyes and he reached down to hold my hands.
" Xena.I .I umm" he started
" What?" I asked not able to stand the suspense
" I don't love you I can't marry you" he said sharply. I looked back at him blankly, just speechless. I didn't understand him I thought he was joking so I played along and started giggling and hitting him playfully.
" That's not funny. don't ever do that again, ok" I turned around to pick up my cup and take a drink.
" Xena.I'm serious, I don't want to marry you..i'm sorry, I don't love you" I stood with my back to him. I had a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, I knew now that he wasn't joking.
" say something" Petrakles pleaded. So I slowly turned around and looked at him, my eye's begging to water. I lifted my glass of wine and poured it over his head, and furiously through the cup at the wall behind him. I gasped and stomped to the other side of the room.
" I must have a problem with my ears because I just heard you say that we weren't going to be married? Or.or maybe it's just my memory because I seem to recall you telling me you loved me and you wanted to be with me forever?" I spoke in a confused state. I began to walk near me and reached out and touched my shoulders, I pulled back and shuttered in disgust.
" Don't touch me" I whispered
" Try and understand" he begged
" Understand.understand what.why you lied to me, why you used me? I hate you" I screamed and reached down to my dagger, I held it at his throat forcefully but pulled it back.
"No.killing is to good for you" I whispered to him and threw the dagger down. He let out a sigh of relief but before he finished it I reached over and tipped the table over and grabbed a vase and threw it at him
" I hate you" I screamed and ran out of the tent. I continued running into the forest, when I couldn't run any longer I collapsed onto the side of a near by tree, I slid down it and sat on the ground. I set up a fire and spent the night there. I threw everything he ever gave me into the fire including my wedding bracelet. The next morning I stole one of petrakles's horses, and left for Amphipolis. I had decided it was the only place left for r me to go. It was about a two weeklong journey there and I spent most of the time going over in my head what I would say to my mom. I reached Amphipolis at midday when the village people were out and about doing their business. Amphipolis hadn't changed much except that the houses that were burned down by cortese had now been rebuilt. I rode through the village toward the Inn. A few people glanced up at me trying to figure out if I was who they thought I was, but looked away shrugging it off. I tied my horse up in front of mom's inn, took a deep breath and walked in. Business was booming, not a seat was empty. I walked across the room looking around for my mother, a couple people looked up from their conversations to stare at me then whispered to their companions who I was. I spotted mother across the room behind the bar turned around cleaning dishes. I slowed down my pace to stall having to face her. I stopped about six feet away from the bar but before I could speak a loud crash sounded through the Inn. I quickly turned around expecting an enemy but found only Toris. He had dropped his tray of glasses at the shock of my return.
"Toris, you crazy boy, what are you doing?" Mother yelled and ran to his side. Not noticing who I was from the back. She knelt down and began picking up the broken glass. Toris continued to stare, no longer in shock but in disgust.
"Toris.what's wrong with you, what are you-" she said looking in the direction of his gaze. Mother then stared with him. After a few moments she walked towards me and wrapped her arms around me. I couldn't help but smile, I felt loved again. And when she returned a warm smile I was glad to be home. She offered me a seat at the bar and as she worked she continued to talk to me.
" Xena, where have you been I was so worried?"
" Around" I answered shortly. My mother looked disappointed in my answer but continued.
" I heard rumors from my customers that you had joined a group of raiders but got kicked out for killing the lieutenant, and that you became a leader of an army yourself, and were married. Is this true?" my mother asked with a hint of pain in her voice. I thought for a moment and decided not to tell her the truth, it would only hurt her.
" Don't believe every thing you hear" I answered quietly
" I knew it wasn't true, just some drunken travelers" my mother turned away to serve her customers. I could feel Toris's cold stare against my back. I slowly turned my head towards him and offered him a nasty look.
" Do you have a problem?" I asked harshly
" You supposed to be some kind of warrior?" he asked returning my look. I turned my body fully facing him and looked him over. He was wearing normal peasant clothes plus a goofy white apron.
" you supposed to be a hand maiden?"
He sneered at me and quickly jumped up and grabbed my shoulder. I stood up just as quickly and maybe faster than Toris. I gabbed the collar of his shirt and held tightly.
" Xena.Toris stop, please" mother yelled and ran toward us, but we both kept our deadly stare on each other.
" sit down" she pleaded. Toris slowly lowered his arm from me, and after one look of warning I swung my arm down harshly from my grip.
"Xena why are you being this way?" mother asked with an upset tone in her voice. I didn't apologize, I was to proud to, I felt that if I cared or apologized I'd be week. So I just sat back down and turned away from Toris. I was angry, I had to lash out at someone, and unfortunately I hadn't learned to control my anger.
"your Xena?" a loud slurred voice sounded from behind me. I turned around to face the voice and saw a tall scraggly young man stumbling in front of me with a dagger held tightly in his hand.
"Who wants to know?" I replied
" My name is rubios.y, you killed my b..Brother and father an and left his wife and young son with ou out a house"
"So.what of it?" I asked with disrespect
"I'm here to take revenge!" the man screamed and charged at me with his dagger raised above his head. I grabbed his arm and pulled him on top of the bar putting me behind him. I drew my sword and stabbed him in the back, all the way through till the hilt of the sword was covered with blood. I pried him off my blade as if nothing had happened. I t wasn't until the wave of blood lust had washed over me. That I heard my mothers cries in the background of people's screams and gasps of fear. I peered around the room observing the villagers. Some had taken to hiding, some had ran and others stared. My mother was draped over the counter with her head buried in her arms while sobbing. Toris was beside her trying to calm her down. He then looked to me and shouted.
"get out of here now Xena.just leave" I stared back at him confused, but I was more hurt than anything but I was learning to hide the hurt very well.
"did you not hear me get out" he yelled again, now gesturing toward the door. I didn't move from my spot but I did put my sword away hoping that would calm everyone down. My mother raised her head up, tears still in her eyes.
"Please Xena.leave" and with that I lowered my eye's and slightly nodded my head. I turned to leave and stared the scared villagers down on my way out. Back then I confused pain and anger; whenever I was hurt or wronged I would turn violent. I needed some were to go, somewhere I could take out my anger, and mother herself said to leave, so I went as far as I could and went west to Gaul.
(End of part 1)
The story of Xena's past
(part 1)
Xena, Gabrielle, and any other characters that have appeared on the Television series Xena: Warrior Princess do not belong to me but to the creators. *WARNING: this story contains violence, abuse, and sex please e-mail any feed back to me at Amzngirl04@aol.com ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````` The two heroes silently walked down the path to Amphipolis. Gabrielle was unusually quite that afternoon and seemed uncomfortable.
"Something wrong?" Xena asked her friend. Gabrielle looked across at Xena and shook her head.
"No.. i'm just thinking about some things"
"Want to talk about it?" Xena offered
" That's up to you"
" What do you mean?"
Gabrielle stopped walking and turned to face Xena.
"Well, I've noticed that a lot of things and people we go up against are from your past..people you've hurt, things you did, I just think we could deal with these conflicts a lot easier if I knew everything before hand..Xena I know it hurts you to talk about your past, but I want to know. It just seems like even now through all the years I've known you. your still a mystery."
Xena looked down at the dirt debating weather to tell Gabrielle everything. Gabrielle noticed Xena holding back tears and changed her mind.
"I'm sorry Xena, you don't have to tell me, I know it hur-"
"No.no it's ok, your right, you deserve to know" Xena spoke choked with emotion and sucked in a deep breath of air and started to walk again.
"My family and I lived on a farm right outside of amphipolis. My mom owned a tavern and my father was a great warrior, or at least I thought so at the time. My older brother Toris was about three years older than me. My father would teach Toris how to use a sword, I wanted to learn also but they both told me I was to young and that a lady doesn't fight, but I wasn't any normal girl, I've always been tough. I was only seven and Lyceus was 6. Lyceus and i were very close we were always together. Toris on the other hand was my worst enemy, we always were arguing about something. That year my father came home late on night in a drunken rage, I listened from my room to my mother and father fight.
All I heard him say was "Ares commanded that I kill her, she must die"
I had never heard my father talk about killing anyone. I was shocked. I wanted to keep listening, I wanted to find out exactly what he was talking about, but Toris pulled me back into my room. The next day my father was gone. Mother said that he left and wasn't coming back. It hurt, I loved my father, I was angry and upset that he left me. I could tell my brothers were upset also, but my mother always knew how to take our minds of it. Besides Lyceus, my only good friends were Flora and Marcus, who was more Toris's friend but I had a crush on him. On afternoons when I wasn't doing my chores around the farm, Lyceus and I would sneak my fathers swords out behind the house and pretend to be great warriors fighting in battle against the enemy. Occasionally I'd get Toris to teach me a few moves. I was always getting in trouble, getting dirty, getting in fights (mostly with Toris). By the time I was 13 I was pretty good with a sword, at least for my age. I was 15 when I found out that my village was going to be attacked by the warlord Cortees. Before they came we were called into town for a meeting. A man from Cortees's army came to speak to us, his name was Turin.
" Villagers of Amphipolis, I suggest that you gather all the food, supplies and valuables you own and hand them over to cortees by noon tomorrow.. or die" Turin threatened.
To me that wasn't a fair deal and I felt the need to share my opinion with the man and my neighbors.
" Your not getting anything of ours, we have all worked to hard and lived here to long to just give it all up. Were not going down with out a fight." I spoke confidently.
" Don't be a fool little girl, we will kill you"
" I'd rather die standing on my feet than live on my knees" I said, The solider was a bit taken back by my bravery but still looked at me as if I was crazy.
" So be it, just heed my warning" the man spoke angrily and left the Inn.
I suggested and insisted that we formed a defense against Cortees. I was only 15 but I was very persuasive,. Lyceus helped me urge them on, but Toris didn't agree with me as usual. He thought it would be best for our village to escape into hills, but I knew they would just hunt us down and kill us, even if we did give them what they wanted. I replaced the peoples fear with courage, I convinced them to fight. I told my village to gather any weapons they had and meet in front of the Inn noon the next day. Lyceus wanted to fight and I would have let him, but mother wanted to keep him in the tavern with her and the rest of the women and children.
" How did your mother feel about you taking lead like that?" Gabrielle asked
" She hated it, she tried to talk me out of it but I had already talked myself into it"..
" Xena please don't do this" my mother pleaded
" What are we supposed to do, let them take our belongings, our pride, our life's?" I explained
" This is not one of your games Xena, this is serious" mother mocked
" I'm doing this mother..with or without your support" ....
The next day the village adults and young men lined up to fight.. More correctly to die. I walked to the front of the line with my fathers sword in hand..I was scared, and still the scariest thing of all was seeing cortees's army come over the hills of Amphipolis. We were way out numbered, but I wasn't about to give up.
"ATTACK" I screamed and the people of Amphipolis ran into battle. I came to my first opponent and he was much harder to defeat than expected, the best thing I could do was to doge him and run away. I noticed Toris wasn't out fighting I figured he had ran to the hills like a coward. I continued the best I could and continued fighting; I was managing to keep myself alive, which is more than I can say for the other people that were fighting. My neighbors and friends were getting cut down left and right. I started to lose hope that we could win but I would fight till the end. I took a moment to observe the horror and spotted one of cortese's men headed for the inn. I ran at him as fast as ever possible and jumped unto his back knocking him down. I then noticed it was Turin. I rolled over his fallen body and fell on my back into the dirt. I tried to get up but before I was able to the man was raising his sword above my head ready to strike.then I went with my first gut instinct and swung my sword as hard as I could upward and across his throat. The sound of the man gasping for air and the feel of the sword tearing through skin made me shiver. It seemed like slow motion the way the man fell. I stood up before him looking my sword over. The entire tip of it was bloody and it slowly dripped down. My first kill, the one all always remember. I wasn't sure at the time if I should be proud of myself or ashamed. All I could do was stare at the sword and the body that I had taken the life from. While I wasn't paying attention to what was going on, another man came up behind me and struck the back of my head with the hilt of his sword. I fell hard to the ground, I struggled to stay concius, My vision was blurry and I kept getting dizzier. I slowly turned over and saw the shadow of a man standing over me with a sword. I heard Lyceus scream my name, and then I saw him run out of the tavern. He charged the warrior and tried to disarm him, but he wasn't strong enough, The warlord knocked him down.and what happened next was the exact moment that changed me, I became filled with hate and vengeance. The man killed him. He murdered my little brother.. I ran in anger at the man who killed lyceus and ran my sword through his stomach. I looked him in the eyes, and held the sword in him enjoying the moment, then I pulled it out and I ran to my brother's side.. His eye's stared blankly up at me, he was covered in blood.
" Lyceus.No, don't leave me.no" I screamed to him, but he was already dead. I laid over him crying, and every warlord that came near me.I killed. I was blind with hate. not much longer Cortees's men retreated, but we had still lost. I was cut and bruised and bloody, some of the blood was mine but most of it wasn't. The blood made me sick to my stomach and I was dizzy from exhaustion. I turned and looked at my brother's body but had to stumble into some bushes by a well were I threw up. I sat on the ground and wiped my mouth, but all I got was a handful of blood and I threw up again. I washed myself up and sat to think about what had just happened to me.. By the time the sun started to go down I felt well enough to go back.. I walked across the village battlefield. The bodies had all been brought in but the horror was still there. I entered the tavern and saw my neighbors mourning their dead family members and others tending to the injured. I spotted Lycues's body in the back of the building. I walked up to the table he laid on and stared at him, praying that he would come back..I felt guilty, I felt that it was all my fault. It didn't help when my mother told me it was my fault, she said that I might as well of killed Lyceus and the rest of the village myself. I was ashamed and left town, I figured everyone would be happier if I did. I didn't know where I would go or who I'd meet I didn't care. I just wanted to leave..
After traveling a couple days I discovered a camp of warriors, ugly smell barbaric warriors. I didn't want to go in there but I didn't have much of a choice, I needed food and water. I didn't know how to approach them so I just strolled into camp. Every single one of the men looked up from what they were doing and stared at me..
" You there. Stop!" one of the men yelled. I stopped and looked at him trying to be brave.
" What do you think your doing?" he continued.
" I-.I- want" I said stuttering, I stuttered because I was scared, but I couldn't let them know that.
" I want to join your army" I commanded. All the men burst out Laughing at the thought of a very young teenage girl trying to join an army.
" SHUT UP.I'm serious.I.I'm a warrior.I've killed many men" I shouted over the laughter.
"Prove it" The man challenged. He was obviously the leader. He signaled to two of his men who brought out an old peasant man from one of the tents. They brought the man in front of me and threw him down at my feet. One of the men handed me a large dagger.
" kill him" the warrior ordered. I took the dagger and looked at him awkwardly, then glanced at the old man. I couldn't take his life, he was innocent.
" NO.I ca-" but before I could finish my refusal the leader punched me, I fell to the ground, blood begging to drip from my nose.
" DO IT" he hollered
" No" I answered trying to stay strong. He continued to beat me. I was in indescribable pain; I was about to let this barbarian beat me to death. I felt the man's weight on my back; he started to pound on me. Before I was about to go into unconsciousness I noticed the dagger he had given me, I reached my arm out from underneath myself and grabbed the dagger, I quickly twisted my body around as much as I could and drove it into his skull. There was silence from everyone and the man I killed had a look of shock in his dead face. His heavy corps fell on me but some how I managed to get out form underneath him. The warriors told me I could be in there army as long as I cooked and cleaned for them and obeyed everything they told me to do. The new leaders name was Ibec, He was an awful man. He beat me for any reason, I was starved and raped.. I slept on the ground next to their other slave who was an old woman named Clyma, she was bitter and treated me not much better then the men did. I learned a lot from her though. She taught me about medicines and healing, and about different kinds of poisons. When the men went out to destroy villages I would usually have to stay behind but I liked it that way. I got to roam around the camp with out fearing being punished for something. I would teach my self-how to use javelins and bows and staffs. After about a month that I was there I met the man who would play a huge roll in my life as a warrior, a man who's ways became a part of me and always will be.
" Ares?"
" Yes Ares..he came to me one day when the men were out..I was looking through the weapons rack, and picked up a large sword. Out of no were a voice whispered,
" That's a nice one" I threw the sword up in shock, it fell on the other swords knocking a whole row to the ground. I turned around in fear expecting to see Ibec and awaited a beating, but instead I saw a tall, dark, handsome man dressed all in black. He held himself confidently and was flawless.
" Who are you? .You shouldn't be here" I asked and warned
" I'm here to help you" he said graciously
" Help me? You're doing anything but" I huffed and bent down to pick up the swords.
" I'm offering you freedom, and power" he seductively whispered and approached me.
" Your crazy .. Who are you?" I asked again
" I'm Ares, god of war" I looked at him with a smirk and turned my back to him to put the sword on the rack.
" That's a big name your throwing around, The REAL Ares might strike you down" I laughed.
Suddenly his arms were gently on my shoulders and I was engulfed by a sensation of power, pleasure, and fearlessness. It was warm and safe.
" That is the power that I can give you..meet me here tonight and I will train you to escape and you will become a great warrior and conquer nations, and rule as my queen"
When he finished speaking the feeling was gone and so was he. I met him that night. He told me I could have all that as long as I agreed to worship him and fight in his name. I agreed of course, he was a god it all sounded so perfect. So for the next three months he trained me to escape, I poisoned some of the men and butchered a few others, but just enough to get away. I ran away from the camp into the forest till I couldn't run any longer. I collapsed on the ground out of breath. Not much longer I was startled by the noise of footsteps behind me. I thought one of the men had followed me to bring me back. I stood up with a knife in my hand ready to fight. Then something or someone jumped out at me from the side and lay on top of me.
" Get off, get off" I yelled and who ever it was got up.
" Sorry Xena I thought you were an enemy" I couldn't see who it was but it sounded like a young man, he had a friendly and familiar voice.
" I'm just passing through,. how do you know my name?" I asked
" Xena.How could I not?"
I then realized who it was and I was so relived. It was Marcus, I ran to him and we embraced. Marcus and I talked for hours about our lives and what had happened the past couple of moths. I felt I could tell him anything. The next day he took me back to his camp, Marcus had also joined up with an army. They were a much richer and classier then the one I'd been at. They were lead by a warrior named Durin. The first time I met him I gave him an attitude, which was a very bad start..
" How can I help you Marcus?" Durin asked while polishing his valuables.
" Sir, this is Xena.she is an experienced fighter and would like to join your army" Marcus said pushing me into view
" She does?..how old are you Xena .10" he asked me as if I were a baby. I sneered at him then answered.
" No.but I'm still not even half your age"
He laughed at my rude remark that was a bit insulting to me.
"she has a quick tongue, I like that. She just has to learn when it's appropriate to use it" He changed his laughter to a more professional tone and continued.
"So.exactly what kind of experience do you have?" Who trained you, have you been a member of an army before, how-"
" I was born in Amphipolis, I HAD a younger brother and have an older brother. My father left when I was seven. When I was 15 my village was attacked, I set up a defense and my village was torched and my younger brother died. My village hated me and I ran away to a group of warlords who beat me, starved me, and raped me. I trained myself to escape and here I am.any more questions?"
Durin stopped what he was doing and looked up at me with his jaw open and sat in his chair a moment. He next stood up to poor himself some more wine and then he spoke.
" Well..Marcus I expect you to teach her respect and obedience to her commander while she's here because it is something she clearly lacks"
"Yes sir"
"Your uniform and weapons will be here tomorrow morning,- Marcus take her to the empty tent across from yours"
"Thank you sir".
Durin gave me two-piece black leather uniform and weapons. I got my own small tent and I got to go on raids to villages with them. It all would have worked out for me but I never followed orders and was always starting fights. I had grown close to Marcus and had a few first experiences with him. One day Durin left camp for a week to get new supplies, he left his second in command Galen, in charge. I hated Galen and he hated me. I tried my best to drive him insane. Galen lead us on a raid on the town of Dreus where I stole a few things for myself, unfortunately I was caught. Galen had fun that nigh abusing me with harsh words..
" You will be dealt with when durin gets back, but don't think I wouldn't love to punish you myself..look at me you worthless whore!" he screamed and struck me across the face. I wouldn't allow him to have any satisfaction from me, so I showed no reaction from the blow and stood to face him again.
"Brave are you? Well let me give you a little dose of reality.you're a lowlife with no future, you're a traitor, a murderer, and a harlot.you'll never accomplish anything, your destined to die a pointless death at a young age" He spat. I could only stare at him with anger flowing through my every vein. I left his tent disgusted trying to control myself, I couldn't help to wonder If what he said about me was true. I would have been fine but Ares paid me a visit..
"Ouch.that had to hurt, are you gonna let him talk to you that way?" Ares asked a bit mockingly
"His me superior I have to listen to him or I'll be in even more trouble"
"Superior? I don't think so.not if you ."
" What?"
"Kill him" he said persuasively
I gladly agreed. I went back into his tent and seduced Galen, and as soon as he let his guard down.I killed him. One of the men saw me do it and called an attack on me. I was charged by all the men in the camp and fought them off. I then got one of the men down and held my sword at his throat. Before I could continue a warrior ordered me to stop. There was at least fifteen men surrounding me with arrows aimed right for me, I saw Marcus in the back of the crowd and threw the man and my sword down. The men took me and held me, I was to be banished the next day. I didn't get to say a proper goodbye to Marcus, it was painful leaving him because I loved him and I knew I wouldn't see him again for a very long time. But I never let my emotion show.
After I was banished from Durin's camp, I wandered around the area of amphipolis. I would start back to my hometown but never got up enough guts to actually go. So I stole the food I needed and whatever else I thought necessary. I eventually stole a horse and traveled to southern Greece. There I came across another camp of warriors, much like Ibec's camp of scum. But this time I was a bit more confident and demanding. I rode into the camp, dismounted my horse, and walked up to the guard who was standing watch at the leaders tent.
" Stop.what is your business here?" asked the guard.
" I wish to speak to your commander" I ordered. The guard disappeared into the tent for a few seconds then came out.
"Petreakles will see you"
Petrakles..I know how this story ends" Gabrielle interrupted. Xena rolled her eyes.
"you don't know the half of it.but anyways, when I entered the tent I saw a tall young man with long brown hair, he only looked a few years older than me. He was leaning over a table observing a map of the area. With out looking up he spoke to me.
" What do you want?".A devilish smiled crossed my face, this would be to easy, a man that young would be simply fooled.
"I was wondering if you could help me" I said sweetly. He looked up at me surprised. I don't know what his solider told him, but I don't think he was expecting to see a girl, or such a young one. After he got over the shock and noticed the seductive smile I was giving him he smiled back.
" And how can I do that?" he asked gently
" Well you see.I'm a warrior, without an army.and you're an army.without me" I said walking towards him. He closed the distance between us and stroked my cheek with his hand.
" How does an army like mine obtain a warrior such as you?"
"Just take me" I answered.. and he did. Back then I thought the only way for me to survive was through violence, and the only way to get what I wanted was through sex....Petrakles made me second in command. I helped him to civilize his men and train them. Pertekles would often go off to buy weaponry for his army and I would be in charge of the raids, one of the raids happened to be on Cirra.
"Collisto's village" Gabrielle said finishing her sentence.
"Yes, it was on e time me and my army were responsible for killing women and children, I was never one for doing that, but terrible accidents happen all the time. Petrakles and I were becoming very successful and earning us a reputation. At the same time I started to fall for him, no longer just using him for power, but I actually started to have feelings for him. If he really did feel the same way about me at the time I don't know, but one morning he asked me to marry him, I enthusiastically said yes, I was so happy I couldn't believe it. Petrakles and I planned the wedding, and things were going great for about a week and then he broke my heart. I went to the tent one afternoon to discus the village we scheduled to attack the next day. He again was leaned over the table with the map on it, concentrating very hard.
" The village knows were coming, my scouts tell me they are setting up a defense, we could surprise them from the back: I suggested and walked to a table and poured petrekles and myself a glass of wine. I walked over to him and set his glass in front of him.
" What's wrong?" I asked him.he didn't look up, he just stared down at the map.
"Petrackles.are you alright?" I asked him again this time lifting his chin up to face me. He looked scared and hurt, I wasn't quite sure how to react to him, and I leaned into kiss him but he turned his face leaving me to kiss his cheek.
" What's your problem?" I asked frustrated. He turned back to look me in the eyes and he reached down to hold my hands.
" Xena.I .I umm" he started
" What?" I asked not able to stand the suspense
" I don't love you I can't marry you" he said sharply. I looked back at him blankly, just speechless. I didn't understand him I thought he was joking so I played along and started giggling and hitting him playfully.
" That's not funny. don't ever do that again, ok" I turned around to pick up my cup and take a drink.
" Xena.I'm serious, I don't want to marry you..i'm sorry, I don't love you" I stood with my back to him. I had a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, I knew now that he wasn't joking.
" say something" Petrakles pleaded. So I slowly turned around and looked at him, my eye's begging to water. I lifted my glass of wine and poured it over his head, and furiously through the cup at the wall behind him. I gasped and stomped to the other side of the room.
" I must have a problem with my ears because I just heard you say that we weren't going to be married? Or.or maybe it's just my memory because I seem to recall you telling me you loved me and you wanted to be with me forever?" I spoke in a confused state. I began to walk near me and reached out and touched my shoulders, I pulled back and shuttered in disgust.
" Don't touch me" I whispered
" Try and understand" he begged
" Understand.understand what.why you lied to me, why you used me? I hate you" I screamed and reached down to my dagger, I held it at his throat forcefully but pulled it back.
"No.killing is to good for you" I whispered to him and threw the dagger down. He let out a sigh of relief but before he finished it I reached over and tipped the table over and grabbed a vase and threw it at him
" I hate you" I screamed and ran out of the tent. I continued running into the forest, when I couldn't run any longer I collapsed onto the side of a near by tree, I slid down it and sat on the ground. I set up a fire and spent the night there. I threw everything he ever gave me into the fire including my wedding bracelet. The next morning I stole one of petrakles's horses, and left for Amphipolis. I had decided it was the only place left for r me to go. It was about a two weeklong journey there and I spent most of the time going over in my head what I would say to my mom. I reached Amphipolis at midday when the village people were out and about doing their business. Amphipolis hadn't changed much except that the houses that were burned down by cortese had now been rebuilt. I rode through the village toward the Inn. A few people glanced up at me trying to figure out if I was who they thought I was, but looked away shrugging it off. I tied my horse up in front of mom's inn, took a deep breath and walked in. Business was booming, not a seat was empty. I walked across the room looking around for my mother, a couple people looked up from their conversations to stare at me then whispered to their companions who I was. I spotted mother across the room behind the bar turned around cleaning dishes. I slowed down my pace to stall having to face her. I stopped about six feet away from the bar but before I could speak a loud crash sounded through the Inn. I quickly turned around expecting an enemy but found only Toris. He had dropped his tray of glasses at the shock of my return.
"Toris, you crazy boy, what are you doing?" Mother yelled and ran to his side. Not noticing who I was from the back. She knelt down and began picking up the broken glass. Toris continued to stare, no longer in shock but in disgust.
"Toris.what's wrong with you, what are you-" she said looking in the direction of his gaze. Mother then stared with him. After a few moments she walked towards me and wrapped her arms around me. I couldn't help but smile, I felt loved again. And when she returned a warm smile I was glad to be home. She offered me a seat at the bar and as she worked she continued to talk to me.
" Xena, where have you been I was so worried?"
" Around" I answered shortly. My mother looked disappointed in my answer but continued.
" I heard rumors from my customers that you had joined a group of raiders but got kicked out for killing the lieutenant, and that you became a leader of an army yourself, and were married. Is this true?" my mother asked with a hint of pain in her voice. I thought for a moment and decided not to tell her the truth, it would only hurt her.
" Don't believe every thing you hear" I answered quietly
" I knew it wasn't true, just some drunken travelers" my mother turned away to serve her customers. I could feel Toris's cold stare against my back. I slowly turned my head towards him and offered him a nasty look.
" Do you have a problem?" I asked harshly
" You supposed to be some kind of warrior?" he asked returning my look. I turned my body fully facing him and looked him over. He was wearing normal peasant clothes plus a goofy white apron.
" you supposed to be a hand maiden?"
He sneered at me and quickly jumped up and grabbed my shoulder. I stood up just as quickly and maybe faster than Toris. I gabbed the collar of his shirt and held tightly.
" Xena.Toris stop, please" mother yelled and ran toward us, but we both kept our deadly stare on each other.
" sit down" she pleaded. Toris slowly lowered his arm from me, and after one look of warning I swung my arm down harshly from my grip.
"Xena why are you being this way?" mother asked with an upset tone in her voice. I didn't apologize, I was to proud to, I felt that if I cared or apologized I'd be week. So I just sat back down and turned away from Toris. I was angry, I had to lash out at someone, and unfortunately I hadn't learned to control my anger.
"your Xena?" a loud slurred voice sounded from behind me. I turned around to face the voice and saw a tall scraggly young man stumbling in front of me with a dagger held tightly in his hand.
"Who wants to know?" I replied
" My name is rubios.y, you killed my b..Brother and father an and left his wife and young son with ou out a house"
"So.what of it?" I asked with disrespect
"I'm here to take revenge!" the man screamed and charged at me with his dagger raised above his head. I grabbed his arm and pulled him on top of the bar putting me behind him. I drew my sword and stabbed him in the back, all the way through till the hilt of the sword was covered with blood. I pried him off my blade as if nothing had happened. I t wasn't until the wave of blood lust had washed over me. That I heard my mothers cries in the background of people's screams and gasps of fear. I peered around the room observing the villagers. Some had taken to hiding, some had ran and others stared. My mother was draped over the counter with her head buried in her arms while sobbing. Toris was beside her trying to calm her down. He then looked to me and shouted.
"get out of here now Xena.just leave" I stared back at him confused, but I was more hurt than anything but I was learning to hide the hurt very well.
"did you not hear me get out" he yelled again, now gesturing toward the door. I didn't move from my spot but I did put my sword away hoping that would calm everyone down. My mother raised her head up, tears still in her eyes.
"Please Xena.leave" and with that I lowered my eye's and slightly nodded my head. I turned to leave and stared the scared villagers down on my way out. Back then I confused pain and anger; whenever I was hurt or wronged I would turn violent. I needed some were to go, somewhere I could take out my anger, and mother herself said to leave, so I went as far as I could and went west to Gaul.
(End of part 1)