For Le Mouton Noir, responsible for of some of the best Tifas and Aerises on ffnet. This one is mostly her fault.
Head Full of Dirt
Some nights it's so cold that heat breaks out in rashes: stinging, braising, drawing blood. They don't lie together to stave off the chill; they lie together to inscribe scars. Aeris holds a charred branch in her palm, peeling off black flakes and setting them in a circle before her. She watches Tifa holding her hair like a bouquet and flicking the end back and forth. Tifa stares somewhere else: likely deep into the cold where all is numb. Cloud has vanished into his tent. For once, the night is not about him.
It's about Tifa and how she knows and how she's hurt and how she hasn't said a word.
Aeris bunches the black flakes together so they look like flower petals. She forms a fist and smashes it, covering her knuckles in soot, dirt, and snow. Though she sits on a log, it's damp, like everything else near Junon; the moisture has bled through her dress and left water marks on her thighs. Aeris cannot help the chuckle that escapes her lips. She had expected a slap or an insult or a scream or anything. Anyone else would have reacted violently, but Tifa sits and flicks her hair, blowing on it. She is disturbingly calm and gentle, and Aeris just wants Tifa to punch her hard with one of those fists so that she can justify her anger.
Junon Dark Ale sloshes in its bottle as Aeris grabs it by the neck and, gathering up her dress, heads for her tent. The alcohol keeps her warm and numb at the same time, but she has barely had a drop all night because she wants to feel it when Tifa breaks her in two.
Aeris barely makes it under the tent flap before a palm cups her shoulder, and Tifa whips her body around so quickly that the ale bottle falls and liquor pools on the ground. In less than a second, Tifa is kissing Aeris, her eyes wide open, the deep red burning. The kiss is cold and damp like the outskirts of Junon, but as Tifa bowls Aeris into the taught cloth wall, Tifa's lips warm. The paper napkin holding the Planet's words back tears. Hissing fills Aeris' ears at the same time as her own roaring heartbeat. Aeris imagines that Tifa finds her too far past listening; she's trying to reach the Planet, but there's no helping it. The Planet does not even listen to Aeris.
Then Tifa freezes. It barely registers in Aeris' mind. She cannot imagine why Tifa would have stopped when she seemed so insistent only moments before. Tifa licks her lips. The brilliant flash of red in her eyes dulls into sludge as she folds herself onto the floor of their tent, filling the black and green checkered sleeping bag rental from the Junon tack shop. Darkness follows Tifa as the embers of the fire peter out. Aeris remains bent against the cloth. She does not close her eyes all night, even when Tifa vanishes into thin air, and the Dark Ale is drained from its bottle.
Aeris first realized that it is cold outside Junon after she, Tifa, and Cloud crossed the marsh and evaded the Zolom. White glass struck down from the sky, lighting up a naked tree strewn with Sephiroth's latest kill: a black Midgar Zolom. She wanted to stop and listen to the Planet as the Zolom's spirit joined the Lifestream. It bothered her that Cloud and Tifa seemed wholly unmoved, but then the wind nicked her armpits, and Aeris wanted to head inside the cave.
Kalm. That was the last time she sat by herself and listened. When the Planet talks, it does not have a voice. It communicates through pressure headaches and sour tastes at the back of one's mouth. Sour because death is so, and the Planet dies. It does not let Aeris forget, even for a moment.
Inside the cave, Aeris felt it falling on her: little pebbles bouncing inside her skull. The sensation was so strong that she stared at the ceiling for a moment, half expecting to see sharp stalactites wriggling free. She leaned against a damp wall and closed her eyes.
Both Cloud and Tifa noticed Aeris faltering—how could they not?—but Cloud has not been good at talking to anyone, let alone about something important, since he left SOLDIER. "Everything okay?" he had asked. When Aeris nodded, he said, "I'll go look around for a while." The chafing of his boots slipped through the tunnels.
Tifa, meanwhile, decided to take that moment to extend the olive branch. She imagined there was some rift, some invisible Cloud between them, but she wanted to befriend Aeris because she could not stand not befriending Aeris. A gloved hand cupped Aeris' shoulder, and it was all so very obvious.
"Need some rest?"
The Planet let Aeris know, by way of a few painful squeezes, that Tifa thought she was weak; they all did, and Aeris was just letting them replace—
"I'm fine."
But Tifa did not listen at all. She put one arm around Aeris' shoulders and leaned against the wall beside her. They both slid until they sat on the stone floor, bookended by stalagmites. Aeris could not help but notice how warm Tifa's thighs and breasts felt, how cool the Planet's arteries seemed.
It did not take long for the Planet to begin torturing Aeris for every moment she spent with Tifa: drinking in their beds in the basement of Fort Condor, buying dessert dumplings in Junon's market place. The Planet is jealous, always, and Aeris concedes that it has a right to be so. It latched inside her skull and gnawed. She had tried to crowd Cloud to convince the Planet that Tifa is not special and to push Tifa away—just a little. Yet how could the last Ancient ever hope to fool the Planet?
"I was thinking," Tifa once said through a bite of red bean dumpling, "we could soak some of these in Dark Ale to test them out. If I ever open another bar, it'll be in Junon, and that would be something."
Aeris knew, by then, that Tifa said fanciful things because Aeris liked to talk about fanciful things. Tifa is not a fanciful person.
"Do you think Cloud would like them?" Aeris asked.
Tifa had punched her own chest after she nearly choked on her dumpling. Her shoulders drooped. She did her best to pretend the cobblestones were mirrors, and she needed to fix her hair. "I suppose."
"Then come on!" Aeris gripped Tifa's wrist. "We better buy more."
"Sure," Tifa whispered. Aeris yanked her around the corner, and Tifa twisted her ankle—not on anything solid. It was fine though; it was nothing a stinging walk around the block would not fix.
The cold outside Junon, during days of extensive training and searching for the girl who stole their money, makes these resentments vanish for a moment. Aeris once imagined she was to Tifa what mako is to the rest of humanity: an energy source by which one may keep warm. That is until they started staying up later than Cloud. It began one night when Aeris stood to head for their tent, and Tifa grabbed her wrist—the way Aeris usually did—and asked Aeris to tell her about Elmyra.
"She's an affectionate woman," Aeris said. "She needs someone to love. I think that's why I planted flowers at first. Part of me always thought I would leave her. Shinra would take me, and I wanted to give her something living to love. It seems a bit silly now, but I hope she at least feels better for them."
Tifa narrowed her eyes. "Do you resent her for it?"
This had surprised Aeris. All her life, Aeris had done her best to avoid such emotions. She had grown up loving Elmyra until she had started to get her headaches. Aeris remembered one tantrum where she accused Elmyra of caging her because her husband had left; she only kept Aeris out of selfishness. The older woman had been surprised to hear something like that coming from a young, usually sweet, child. Aeris decided forthwith to disagree with everything the Planet said and go on loving her mother. But how is Aeris to know that the Planet isn't actually her own insides?
"No," Aeris said.
That's how it all came out: those conversations and the nights holed up in a single tent. Tifa always managed to ask Aeris questions treading near the issue of Aeris versus the rest of the world. She seemed almost methodical in her questions from "do you think Barret makes a good father?" to "did you ever make any friends in the Slums?" Aeris never provided an answer that would satisfy her.
Finally, Tifa said it. "Sometimes I wonder if Sephiroth is so mad for wanting to kill us all."
Which resulted in Aeris saying that. "It might be the only way."
The flame coughed alongside Tifa's indignation. "Excuse me?"
"Killing everyone could be the only way to save the rest of the Planet."
Tifa swallowed. She hugged her own waist and shook her head. "Does—did it tell you that?"
"Yes." Aeris had to use all the oxygen she possessed for one word. Tifa never directly addressed Aeris' connection with the Planet, but Aeris knew that Tifa believed it was true. Tifa believed anything unless Shinra said it.
"Do you agree with it?"
The cold came, the alcohol in Aeris' blood boiled, and the stifling nature of holding back a tongue too fat for her own mouth squeezed out the same word a second time. "Yes."
Aeris knew all the tell-tale signs of Tifa in agony. Her shoulders drooped. She stared at the ground between her feet.
Cloud. Only worse. Aeris' cheeks flushed; she waited for Tifa to say something as she ground her teeth together, but nothing came. Worse, when Aeris went to go for their tent, Tifa did not hold her back.
Even worse, Tifa said nothing to Aeris the following day. Cloud, being Cloud, did not mention it to either of them.
The day after Tifa kissed Aeris without a word, the flower girl feels the sting of exhaustion pinching her corneas. It bites as she holds back the tent flap and lets the sunlight inside. Tifa is asleep, but Cloud has already risen. He sits on the ground, the tip of the Buster sword lodged two feet in front of him, his chin resting on the palm of the hilt. "Sleep well?" he asks.
"Not at all." Aeris flops onto the ground next to him. She sees the ghosts of blackened wood chips buried in the mud.
"Tifa hits," Cloud said knowingly. It isn't flirtatious, or even a joke. It just is.
But the thing is, Tifa doesn't punch in her sleep. Not next to Aeris at least.
When she neglects to respond, Cloud continues. "I picked up her trail scouting this morning. We should find her in the forest today." He means the young ninja who stole their gil and materia.
"Good." Aeris had tired of cheap ale and sleeping in tents in the cold. When she had committed herself to following Cloud in his search for Sephiroth, she had anticipated long nights under the stars, feeling the dirt between her toes and getting nests of grass in her braid with something akin to joy. Now she misses a firm mattress, curling under thick comforters, and eating fish ball soup made in a small restaurant built on a pier. She lets a smile cover her face and hopes the Planet doesn't notice. "I can't believe a little girl managed to rip off a big time ex-SOLDIER."
Cloud looks up from his sword and shrugs. "I meant it when I said she should join us."
Aeris puts her hand over her mouth and laughs. "You let me come along because I wouldn't listen to you. Barret and Tifa destroyed a fourth of Midgar. Red XIII didn't exactly make the best first impression either. It stands to reason you like the wrong crowd."
"They're skilled enough," Cloud grumbles, turning away.
"We're all a little ugly." Aeris tears her eyes from Cloud to see Tifa emerge from their tent. She pulls her hair into its customary baggy pony tail and ties it. The sharp joint of her neck flashes, and Aeris bites her lower lip. Tifa avoids her, staring only at Cloud. "Maybe we can get her to join us. It doesn't have to be so bad."
Cloud shrugs again. "At this point, it's more important to get our gil and our materia back. I'm not in the mood for more time wasting."
Tifa nods. The subtle point she wants to communicate to Aeris has already sunk in, so pursuing the issue isn't important. Aeris, Tifa, and Cloud bury the soot from the fire and fold their tents back into their cases. Mud swallows the soles of Aeris' feet as she squelches after Cloud toward the forest.
Tifa continues to ignore Aeris, who finds herself somewhat relieved. She smells the grit, the fresh green of the forest outside Junon. Tightness in her skull abates as she listens to Formulas screech and rustle in the trees. If Tifa isn't going to bring up the night before, she certainly isn't. The Planet affords her a moment of peace, and Aeris takes it.
That's the philosophy in theory.
As the group treks further into the forest. Cloud and Tifa walk as quickly as they can, leaving Aeris to drag behind. Her dress tears on the spiny bushes which Capparwires often use as camouflage, digging into her skin. The scratches do not draw blood, but they itch almost as much as Aeris' throat itches. She takes a sip from her canteen and watches as Tifa's long legs step through clumps of grass dead in oppressing shade. It doesn't help.
When Aeris has managed to lag at least three yards behind the other two—Tifa's legs are almost entirely obscured by grass and appear as white aspens in the distance—she hears a voice. "Psst," it says, "Pinky. C'mere."
The mystery ninja who had assailed the three of them days before hides two trees to Aeris' right, her bony face peeking around greening bark on a sapling. Aeris raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
"Hey, hey! Keep it down. I need you to do somethin' for me. I promise, no biggie. I'll even give you thirty gil. How's that?"
Aeris shakes her head. "I'm calling my friends. Cl—"
"Geez! I'm stuck, okay? I don't ask for help from just anyone, but there are some Formulas circling, and you can't just let them eat me. Do you have any idea who I am? I'm—someone important." The girl's eyes widen and water slightly. Aeris guesses it's an act; she is, after all, the queen of acts, so she should recognize one, but she doesn't feel right calling Cloud and Tifa to prey upon a trapped girl. Cloud had seemed flustered that morning, and Aeris did not know him well enough to say he wouldn't treat the ninja poorly.
"I'll do it for all our gil and materia back," Aeris says.
The ninja blows a strand of black hair from between her eyes. "Yeah, whatever."
Somehow Aeris finds this less than convincing. She purses her lips, throws her braid over her shoulder, and walks toward the girl anyway.
Surely enough, the mystery ninja has gotten her braced foot caught in the roots of an older tree providing shelter to the younger one. Aeris glances at the girl who beams in a manner Aeris supposes she suspects conveys innocence and sincerity. It looks painful.
Kneeling, Aeris feeds her fingers under a root and grabs onto it. The roughness feels like home, the handles of her wheelbarrows, the sanctuary of nature in a blackened city. It strikes her that she may value nature less in the outskirts of Junon because it is not as precious as it is in Sector Five. The tightening in her head intensifies. Aeris does her best to ignore it and yanks the root.
The mystery ninja immediately scurries free, falling to her hands and knees to pull hard on her leg and make a clean get-a-way. Aeris, having anticipated this, leaps, grabs the girl by the hair, and sits on her narrow back. The girl cries out, rocks her shoulders, and pants in frustration.
"Gawd, you must eat a lot. You're practically a Zemzelett."
Despite the insult, Aeris laughs. "It's all the ale."
"So you're an alky too? Figures." The girl waves her hands behind her back, but cannot manage to get a hold of any part of Aeris' body. "I never woulda' expected you'd be the heavy one. Or the fast one. You seemed kinda' useless the other day."
Aeris could not blame the ninja for the assessment; she had been particularly resentful that day. The mystery ninja had appeared, threatening to steal their materia openly, and Aeris had thought that that might not be the worst thing in the world. Days hiking in the wet without much gil for food or an Inn had changed her mind.
"You aren't gonna' ask my name?"
Aeris says nothing, feeling the corners of her lips turn down. She suddenly resents the Planet for its harshness; it probably terrorized the Ancients kind to extinction.
"That's right. You don't deserve to hear my name! You're soft, probably whining without your gil for a room at the Inn. You use tents. Gawd."
"You've been following us then?" Aeris feels affronted, annoyed that the girl could guess what she had been thinking.
"You've been following us th—hey!" The girl squirmed when Aeris pinched her. Her skin felt like paper: dry and thin. "It was a dumb question!"
"Aeris!" Tifa's voice splits the trees. "Where are you? Aeris!"
"Awww," the ninja whines. "Reinforcements. Goodbye, stinkin' forest. May my ghost haunt my pops for eternity."
"That isn't like you," Aeris says. "I expected more tenacity."
As Aeris speaks, the ninja wriggles extra hard, rolling on her side and sending Aeris sprawling onto her stomach. Mud cakes her face and stains her dress. She manages to look up long enough to see the ninja retreating.
"That was too easy!" the girl cries. "She honestly thought she had trapped me. Me." High cackles follow as she vanishes.
Aeris manages to make it to her elbows, listening to the mud burp, before Tifa spots her and runs to her side. A vice grips Aeris' shoulder and pulls her to her feet. A good shake sends a couple clods of dirt falling to her feet.
"What happened?"
"I ran into that girl." Aeris wipes mud from her eyes and shakes her head. "She's something."
"Why didn't you call for us?" Tifa demands. She crosses her arms. Rings narrow in her eyes.
"I thought I could handle it."
Aeris thinks nothing of her comment, but Tifa's eyes droop. Her entire body wilts. "O-of course. But you must admit—I'll go get Cloud. You can tell him which way she went."
Compelled by something hard in her stomach, Aeris grabs Tifa's shoulder as she turns around. She notices how small her hand is on Tifa's back and swallows. "Wait. Don't be like this."
"It's really hard not to be like this. You smile and laugh off everything, but it actually hurts. I thought you just didn't realize it."
Thinking the conversation over, Tifa tries to walk ahead again, but Aeris only squeezes her shoulder harder. "I don't want to be like I am either."
"Then don't," Tifa says. She turns around under Aeris' hand. Aeris sees her eyes shining, but Tifa holds her gaze.
"It isn't that easy," Aeris says. "The things it says about all of you…"
"It says them about you too then!" Tifa says. "You're human. Didn't you want to be human? Wasn't that why you ran away from Shinra for so long?"
Aeris ignores her. She has been down that road too many times, and the answer to her questions has always been "No." A chill crawls down her neck. Aeris hugs her waist. At that moment, Aeris realizes how much she has started to, not just resent, but to hate the Planet for what it has given her, to know its whims, its pain, and to be able to do nothing because she's all alone. It has built up so much loathing in her that she wonders if she likes anything anymore. The ninja has been at ease in the forest because the forest hasn't asked anything of her. Meanwhile, Aeris, who should be the one person in the world who loves the forest more than anyone, is falling on her face and complaining about sleeping in a tent. That's when it's clear, like it has never been, and she looks at Tifa from her long legs, to her neck, to her eyes.
She—her, Aeris Gainsborough, and not the Planet—likes Tifa Lockhart.
Oblivious of this conclusion, Tifa stands in front of Aeris, dark eyes clouded, and kicks the dirt. It's so apropos that Aeris laughs loudly, perhaps painfully, disturbing the Formulas and fluffing the dust. She tastes mud as she licks her lips, and it tastes as good as egg drop soup. Tifa does not even have the sense to continue acting crushed. Her jaw drops; she nearly trips over her own shuffling foot.
Aeris places both hands around Tifa's shoulders and kisses her forehead. It's smooth and cool. A few confused wrinkles form ridges. Headaches pound against Aeris' skull, but she grits her teeth through it and wraps both arms around Tifa's waist, hugging her as hard as she can. When she releases Tifa, her face changes again. Tifa's lip twitches. Her tight neck softens. A little joy spreads.
Only, as they stare at one other, it occurs to Aeris that nothing has changed. Tifa seems to realize it at the same time, regardless of whether she managed to interpret Aeris' behavior. They both sink to the ground at once, staring, sullen. Aeris wonders if, for a moment, Tifa can hear Aeris the way Aeris hears the Planet. All those nights in the tent or outside by the fire, burning next to one another, have made them sensitive to mood swings, to the things that create sadness and joy. It sometimes soothes, but mostly stabs. At the moment, it just aches.
"I won't let it be this way," Aeris says. "You'll help me?"
"Of course." Tifa doesn't smile as she stands and wipes off her shorts. "Let's go find Cloud."
There's something between them still. It isn't Cloud. It isn't the cold. If they ever talk about it again, though, they'll pretend they meant what they said.
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