/Ten things to do at a family gathering/
1. When your grandma greets you at the door by your name, act concerned and questioning. When she asks what's wrong, tell her, "Don't you remember? My name has always been *insert name here*.
2. Ask your younger cousin if he's met his biological parents yet.
3. When they bring the main-meat course (ie: turkey, chicken, ham etc.) to the table, scream outloud with a horrified face and yell, "KITTY!!!"
4. Squeeze Winter Fresh toothpaste in the mashed potatoes when no one's looking and watch the saliva fly.
5. Go into the bathroom with your plate of food and eat in the bathtub. When someone comes in and sees you there, tell them that your mom never lets you eat at the table.
6. Stare at your aunt continuously for about ten minutes while she sits across from you at the table, eating and talking. When she acknowledges your gawking, tell her, "I used to be happy too."
7. Leave to the backyard yelling to everybody that you need to go to the bathroom. Stand by the doghouse or a tree preparing to take care of business right when someone comes outside. When they ask what the hell it is you're doing, tell them that your dad never lets you pee in the regular people bathroom.
8. While sitting next to your sister's fiancé in the living room with all of your relatives, say to yourself, "God really fucked up this time." When he questions you, just say, "Oh, nothing, he forgot to remind me about taking my Ritalin this morning. Boy, everything sure is spinning now!
9. When everyone is telling 'hilarious' family stories, start laughing obscenely loud and obnoxious. When everyone stops to look at you weird, say, "Oh, no, it's just…" look over to your uncle with a knowing wink. "Remember the time when we hid the pot in the refrigerator when *insert aunt's name here* came home early?!" Continue to laugh obnoxiously.
10. When someone excuses themselves from the table to use the restroom, say, "Careful…grandma was just in there."