Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is property of J. R. R. Tolkien, and American Pie is written by Don McLean.

Mr. Sauron Guy (Sung to the tune of American Pie)

A long, long time ago,

I can still remember how

My uncle's stories used to make me smile.

And I knew if I had my chance,

That I could watch those Elves dance,

And maybe I'd be happy for a while.

But what happened—well, it wasn't fun.

I'll show you how it all begun.

I'll start from the beginning.

When I first stopped winning.

I don't remember if I screamed

When Bilbo vanished and

Left me his ring.

Gandalf came and started to sing:

The ring was an evil thing.

Bye, bye, Mr. Sauron Guy.

Took a ring, made him king,

Now he's just a big eye.

And he lost his ring

And he started to cry,

Singing "This'll be the day you all die.

This'll be the day you all die."

Gandalf read in book

That the ring was worse than it looked,

Even though it was really small.

He threw the ring into the fire

And I saw writing that was dire

And I screamed and threw the ring

Away.

Well I know the ring was poisonous

But the Ring Wraths were closin' in on us.

I put the ring in my pocket…

Sam at the window? We forgot to lock it!

I was an angsty teenage hobbit guy,

With gardener Sam by my side.

We knew we had to run and hide,

The day, that we all cried.

AND WE WERE SINGING

Bye, bye, Mr. Sauron Guy.

Took a ring, made him king,

Now he's just a big eye.

And he lost his ring

And he started to cry,

Singing "This'll be the day you all die.

This'll be the day you all die."

Now for 10 hours, we'd been travelin' on.

And we were walking in a field of corn

When Pippin and Merry came on the scene.

We fell down a really steep hill

And nearly got ourselves killed

But instead we ate

Mushrooms.

Suddenly I got a weird feeling,

The Ring Wrath wasn't appealing.

We went to the Prancing Pony,

Where we were all aloney.

Pippin, Merry, Sam were drinkin' beer.

I looked 'cross the room with lost of fear.

And I saw Strider sitting there

The day that we all cried.

AND WE WERE SINGING

Bye, bye, Mr. Sauron Guy.

Took a ring, made him king,

Now he's just a big eye.

And he lost his ring

And he started to cry,

Singing "This'll be the day you all die.

This'll be the day you all die."

The other hobbits were really dumb—

They lit a fire and then my shoulder went numb.

From a Ring Wrath's evil sword.

I moaned and groaned like an angsty guy

And then shiny Arwen came by.

I think that maybe Strider likes her…

And she took me down to Rivendell,

Where things were really kinda swell.

We all fought over the nasty shiny thing…

WE CREATED THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING!

And there was forboding drum music then…

Then it started happened again!

Do you think I could borrow a pen?

The day, that we all cried.

AND WE WERE SINGING

Bye, bye, Mr. Sauron Guy.

Took a ring, made him king,

Now he's just a big eye.

And he lost his ring

And he started to cry,

Singing "This'll be the day you all die.

This'll be the day you all die."

Then we all set off for Mordor,

And I had a severe Anxiety Disorder

As the ring took over me.

So come on Gandalf be careful, darn, Gandalf looks small…

Gandalf, don't do that, you will fall…

Damnit, Gandalf, time for some more angst.

And as I watched him descend into hell,

I wished I was back in Rivendell.

That darn CGI flaming thing…

I held tight to the ring.

And as we came out of the cave,

We cried over an invisible grave

And Gimli really needed to shave

The day that we all cried.

AND WE WERE SINGING

Bye, bye, Mr. Sauron Guy.

Took a ring, made him king,

Now he's just a big eye.

And he lost his ring

And he started to cry,

Singing "This'll be the day you all die.

This'll be the day you all die."

We were randomly by a river,

And then I began to shiver,

Cuz Borimir tried to eat me and my ring.

I got into a boat to run away,

And I told Sam he had to stay—

Oh yeah, Pippin and Merry went poof, by the way.

And on the shore, Legolas sighed,

Strider was with Borimir,

And Sam cried.

He was about to drown…

He couldn't let me down.

And the one men I admire most…

Gandalf, he is now a ghost.

I want some angst-curing cinnamon toast.

The day that we all cried.

Bye, bye, Mr. Sauron Guy.

Took a ring, made him king,

Now he's just a big eye.

And he lost his ring

And he started to cry,

Singing "This'll be the day you all die.

This'll be the day you all die."

AND WE WERE SINGING

Bye, bye, Mr. Sauron Guy.

Took a ring, made him king,

Now he's just a big eye.

And he lost his ring

And he started to cry,

Singing "This'll be the day you all die.

This'll be the day you all die."