My Will
Disclaimer: Yuyu Hakusho made by someone else, music from Inuyasha by someone else, story is mine though…
Warning: Will contain Shounen-ai between Kurama and Hiei, along with a bit of angst and fluff (wonderful combination, do you not agree?).
~*~*~*~ (Kurama's Point of View) ~*~*~*~
Quietly awakening…
I always, always wish
That these fleeting thoughts
Would reach you…
How many years now has it been? Does it matter really anymore? Do I really care anymore? The answer is yes to the last two in case you're curious. I do care, I do fear, and I just cannot stop doing so, pretty hopeless isn't it? I mean surely a person has to give up some expectations after what… ten years is it, more perhaps? I mean come now, I'm plenty successful at what I've accomplished in that time frame and I'm sure he is too. If he hasn't conquered the entire Makai by now I would be very surprised indeed. Do I sound too contemptuous for taste? Well I suppose it has come to that hasn't it… but sometimes the memories can be more than even I can handle.
Unable to move forward across "just a little more" distance
The way I see before me is always blocked
Every time the days I want to see you but can't pile up,
My strong heartbeat turns into heartbreak
Looking at the full moon now I realize something, it was never really meant to be was it? You and I were just false hopes, I gave too much of myself I'm afraid, I must have. Look at this, I'm pathetic! I'm 27 years old and growing older by the moment, I probably wouldn't even be able to fight the weakest of youkai I'm so out of practice… but Hiei, now I wonder if you've changed any. The path to the Makai has been obscured from me, I no longer know the way home. What is left for me now? I have everything in human terms but I guess I really did give everything up for the Ningenkai…, which is exactly what I wanted in the end right? Someday I will still be able to return right?
If there is such a thing as "eternity,"
I want to believe, even if I have to take the long way.
Although I know I've been hurt before because I'm clumsy
I won't stop; I won't give in to anyone.
Do you ever think of me Hiei? I have a probable answer that: no. I bet you are happy with what you have now so by all rights I should be happy too. Maybe I will get to see you again someday, that would make me the happiest… because someday I am definitely going to return, I have decided, and then I am really going to have to stop dreaming of "ifs" but I still cannot help and think… what if you had stayed? What could have been? I am normally not one to even consider those possibilities, I am really quite logical and time is set in stone but this once… maybe just this once I will indulge myself a little. Just how many full moons did we fight under anyway? I used to think this feeling was only longing, a desire and nothing more… but then it turned out to be something more, so what do I do? Just wait as I always have? To what purpose, you left me behind years ago and I should show the same courtesy to you, there is just no way I could ever catch up now…
I think of you
And that alone is enough
To make the tears start to flow now
I always, always wish
That these fleeting thoughts
Would reach you…
Oh great, is that wetness I feel on my cheek, again… as in not for the first time. For Inari's sake, we have been through this already! What is it about tonight that has affected me so deeply anyway? It could not possibly be the Sakura tree outside my window could it? Even though I moved out on my own long ago I unconsciously made sure one would always be next to my window, which has remained open, just like it was when you would sneak in… I have to let go of the past, move on! I tell myself this every night, it has become my mantra, and I have gotten better, but it is still not enough. Maybe if I just snuck away to see you just once more… you patrol the borders once in awhile right? Would you save this human here? Would you even bother to remember me?
I've known all too well about pretending to be strong.
But since then, my doubts have vanished.
I really should give up on false hopes and wistful wishes but if I was really going to then I would have done so years ago. I know what I'll do, I _will_ visit you… and when I see how happy you have become and how safe you are now I know you will not really need me anymore and I can finally be free of you for good. Well at least I can be partially satisfied with your choice anyway…
There are definitely things I want to show you
And so many words I want to hear
I want to see all sides of you, when you laugh and cry
So I'll stop waiting
And seize my "chance."
What kind of shock will it be to me I wonder? What kind of shock would it be to him? That is why I must hide; I have gotten very good at that over the years, in all aspects. If on the off chance we should meet… would I call it destiny or coincidence? I think I know what he would say though, something akin to "It's been along time; let's keep it that way…" Even if those words would be that awful, they would still be his and I think I would still smile. So I will not place either of us in that situation, just put my mind to rest with the contentment of seeing him. I know he is okay, really, I do, but I am not yet. I will be someday; I can live knowing that he loves someone else as long as I know he is happy. Call me a hopeless romantic or just plain stupid but I really think I could do it. I just have to stay alive long enough in the demon world to reach him but I don't really need to worry my mother, I know I'll make it through someway again.
I think of you,
And I feel like that alone is enough
To make my heart grow stronger.
I always, always wish
That these fleeting thoughts
Would reach you…
Someday I will live on, but I have a truthful feeling that one way or another I will always be alone, a lone fox. I did meet my soul mate once, and then I let him go on without me. It was the biggest mistake I ever made or was it perhaps the wisest choice possible? The love I had cannot and will not die no matter what I try, so I will let it grow even if it ends up consuming me. If you ever need someone at your back Hiei or to talk to or to keep you alive… even if you have no one else you will always have me. I will watch over you Jaganishi, even if you are that much stronger than me… I will still be the one to protect and guard you, though you may never know it's me. When I go back to live in the Makai I will have something to live for at the very least, a goal no matter how unthinkable or unreachable it may seem.
I think of you
And that alone is enough
To make the tears start to flow now
My distant voice can't reach you now, but so that someday
It definitely will…
Even if only in my dreams we are together, that can be enough… that will have to be enough to satisfy my want and need; no something much deeper than that… love. We are demons, we do not have the right to that word, much less can come to understand it, but I still keep its sacred meaning with me. I have a heart now and believe me when I say you have one too koorime, there is nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to deny it anymore… I feel like I could change the stars with it alone!
Believe.
He already has someone at his side by now I am guessing, and I will not break them apart. Just promise when you die and leave you will wait for me someday perhaps Hiei; maybe we will even have a second chance at another life together, you just never know about these things…
Believe.
I'll make the same promise to you too… No matter what happens, it is you who is important to me; no matter what comes, it is you who will keep me alive! I will always wait for you…
Believe.
If you have to believe in something then believe in this, someday I will find my way back to you, I don't care how long it takes. I will see you again even if I have to wait longer than I already have. I hope the wind carries this message to you tonight, even if the Makai and Ningenkai air is so different; even if we are so different ourselves, we'll see each other again one day…
~*~*~*~ (Hiei's Point of View) ~*~*~*~
The face of the Earth is awakened
The entire castle should be stirring now; in awhile I will have to return there. Nothing here seems to fit my lifestyle very well aside from the battles. No one is easy to read anymore, everyone seems to have their own agenda, trying to claw their way to the top of the political pyramid. I am already there, not much left for me. When I can spar with Mukuro is the only time all logic and frustration leaves me for total focus, on the goal of winning and strength, but even such a thrill as that is not enough to hold me here for long. It did not use to be this complicated but I have grown accustomed to this way of life I suppose… has it not always been like this?
My feelings for you will never be answered.
I always pray for the day that you will accept my will…
The answer is no, it is one of the things I actually miss about the Reikei Tantei… As partners we were always on the same page somehow, never having to worry about who would watch who's back when, just knowing someone would be there; trying to compete to be the best yet willing to wait. I do not trust anyone like that anymore… It is strange but since then I have not had a decent sleep; one where you do not have to worry about not waking up the next morning. I could just expend all my energy and be guaranteed to wake up in a safe place again… but things will never go back to how they were, time cannot turn backwards upon itself. I look up at the stars for the answer to my remaining question, I am _concerned_ over the safety of another... can you see the same sky I do Kurama?
"After a while" I say from far away
My eyes used to always close
Between us is tragedy everyday, building up a journey
Changed into a momentary strong flutter.
How can this be? It has been ten years, why is that stupid Youko still invading my thoughts? It is not like he is coming back any time… and even if he does return he will not even glance at me once, much talk to me. I realize that for once I just cannot seem to help myself, I actually miss him. I should not give into longing, it is a weakness, I should not give into anything but, damn it all, what would I give to see him just once? Hear his voice just for an instant more… I know when he changes back to his true form as Youko, everything will be different, and I do not necessarily mean for the better. Any connection we had will be gone… what am I talking about? Every bond between us has already been shattered! We fought together for so long, but it is gone now…so why am I still dwelling on it?
If you are "always" told
To take a head detour, believe.
A clumsy, wounded lie is the fact
And all young people are not to get lost.
Still there is some time left before then… I have to see him, and then this desire will leave me. Maybe I can finally understand just what it is about that human mother of his which drove him to stay in that accursed world. I never could understand Kurama… I doubt now would be any different. Once I did not need to understand him, he understood me and that was enough, now I do need to. I feel restless again, is there something I am missing? I am nearly sure of it… we never did said goodbye. Mukuro once said I could have leave to the Ningenkai whenever I pleased… perhaps I will take her up on that offer. It is not for him... I need to see Yukina once more too, it has been too long, and the images provided by the Jagan are far too cold and sketchy to please me. I know Kurama is there, however, protecting her, so I am not worried. I can trust him in that aspect of my life. The thought of betrayal had never occurred to me about him, despite his less than reputable past…
Just by thinking about you, my tears are flowing
My feelings for you will never be answered
I always pray for the day that you accept my will…
It is done between us, there is nothing left, but still something will not let me be. How can I live out my life if I am constantly wondering what could have been… I will stop my thoughts there. Not even for you Kurama would I become weak and give in to such foolhardiness as 'what ifs'. I am stronger than that and will become stronger still. I will be able to protect you then; from far away, I will watch you quietly once in awhile to make sure you are still safe. It is as though you never left my side to begin with stupid fox, and if truth is told I would not have it any other way. If we have to be apart forever, just be happy. I would give the world to see one more damned beautiful smile, even if it is not directed at me. Do you still have my mother's tear gem? Did you keep it fox? Do you like it fox? I do not have anything of yours to remind me, except memories. I refuse to give in if I see a rose but, sometimes, it can become my hardest test of endurance…
I can only pretend to be strong.
But ever since that moment, my hesitation has gone.
I will see you; I will know you, no matter how long. I have everything, and yet I have nothing. I refuse to give up what I have earned. It is my right to be here, but it is also my right to finally be set free, let go of your hold on me fox… Let me live my life, I can do it without you, as long as I know there will be a time for us again. I cannot wait for that. I know I am a demon but not even my cursed fate can stop me. You never saw me as a Forbidden Child in the first place…
There are many things that I want you to see.
There are many things I have wanted to say.
If ever I did run into you again what would I say? I do not know, but you would probably make the first move … either you could astound me with just the sight of you, or you could break me with a few choice words. Even through my pain, I will laugh at the idiotic situation you always manage to put us in. How did we get through all that before? Sometimes I have a hard time remembering but when I see you, it will all come back to me. What pain will I feel upon seeing you again? Is that what you will cause me kitsune, grief? Then I suppose I will look forward to the moment and do my best to make sure it is not far in coming.
My cries, and smiles, I want you to see it all.
Wait now, I will grab my "chance"
Would you still accept me or is that just longing too? I heard once that true friends never say goodbye… perhaps there are battles which just should not be fought. Are you sure you are not asking too much from me? I should give in, I should not continue looking back, I know I will see you again. When I do except me for what I will become, all right? It really has come to that.
Just by thinking about you, I can feel my heart beating strong.
The distant voice is not a sign, but someday that sign will definitely appear.
I am not ashamed of it. I will miss you fox-human but I still see you in dreams. I have never truly hoped for anything before... I will remain here incase you ever need me. Mukuro wants me as her suitor though. I should accept, it would all be for the best, but I will wait a little longer. I do not believe I can forget you… not yet, my will cannot be granted, I do hope someday however you will come to know how I feel, you who always knew me best. Gods bring him luck and all the happiness in the world, he deserves it. We are both alike, destined to be alone for eternity. I do not mind that fate anymore. I cannot wait to be beside you. Nothing should feel this right in the world perhaps that is why it is forbidden.
~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~
With that everyone can live their lives the way they were meant to…
I wake from my sleep and face the day
That I have the hopes to reach you someday…
Both wake up to the same sunrise every morning; both go to sleep under the same sunset every evening…
I cannot go home, take careful steps, because my way's not easy to go.
Both live their own lives the way they were meant to; both working hard to achieve the goals they set… both unable to achieve one goal they have always had in mind but still never giving up on it completely…
Though, even I do believe, when I see you
I'll have to take my time…
Spend some days alone
Being by myself will be all I do
Both know their destinies, both know they have the power to change it, yet at the same time… both reluctant to do so. Sometimes acceptance can be for the best after all. Why fight fate? Just see where it leads…
It doesn't exist
An everlasting love
You wish I could believe
I was hurt because I was strong then crushed
Knowing that I didn't want to lose you now
Even at the toughest times neither forgets, they keep on fighting, they find the will to live, and strength never leaves them, though each wonders how they manage it.
Even though you made me cry
Sometimes, they're just fruitless dreams,
And I'll I've got, is my will to be with you again…
They will meet again. After so many years, only tragedy could reunite them and that shall lead to happiness… even in the life of a demon. They shall find the meaning of "eternity." Will it be together?
Even though you made me cry
Sometimes, the only thing I think this song will do
And I have my will to be with you someday…
'The world could destroy us, the Creator could turn His back on us, everyone could reject us and still we'd walk on…'
~*~*~*~
AN: This is my take on the Hiei and Kurama situation. I do not believe they would ever forget each other so easily, but alas, it is nearly impossible for them to ever be together. It is in my opinion that they were meant for each other, but it would take nothing sort of a miracle for them to be together. However, if such a thing occurred then they could truly be one of the few to glimpse nirvana… (It makes for a wonderful story of pride and passion.)
~*~*~*~