Disclaimer: All recognizable Rizzoli & Isles characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners including, but not limited to Tess Gerritsen. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fan fiction story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No financial gain is associated with the publishing of this story. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: I was going to take a break from writing Rizzles for a short time so that I might concentrate on other things, but last night's episode, "No One Mourns the Wicked" (4x09), begged for something to be written. It was a terrible episode title for such a gut-wrenching week. The loss of Lee Thompson Young will be felt for a long time and, ultimately, in perpetuity with this series. –dkc
Should Have
Despite Maura's sincerity and worry, Jane's stubbornness led her home to an empty apartment. She was determined to not let Charles Hoyt beat her. But once she was home, she greatly regretted the decision. She should have gone home with Maura. Even her pride was not too great to admit it. Once she settled on the couch with Jo Friday, she reached for her cell phone and dialed the familiar number.
"You should have come home with me," Maura didn't bother with any other greeting.
"I know," Jane's voice reflected how defeated she felt.
"There's still time," Maura offered.
"I thought I would be able to do this," Jane responded.
"You don't have to do it alone, Jane. You never have to face anything alone."
"How are you doing? I was so wrapped up in my own crap; it didn't occur to me that you might need someone tonight. I'm not the only one that has had Hoyt-induced nightmares," Jane leaned her head back against the couch and winced at the thought of Maura dealing with these demons alone.
"I…" Maura hesitated. "Today got to me."
"Do you need me? Should I come over?"
"I am okay right now, but you know you are always welcome to come over, Jane."
The doctor was tucked into her bed as she spoke to her best friend on the phone. She wouldn't admit it to Jane, but she had purposely left the light on in her en suite, illuminating a small portion of her bedroom as well. Here they were, two grown women, and a dead man still haunted them.
"God, how is it that Hoyt's dead and he still has this power over me? Over us?" Jane sighed into the phone.
"He can't hurt us. He can't," Maura muttered, a mantra almost.
"I killed him…" Jane choked back a sob.
"You had no choice. He would have killed you," Maura's voice cracked with emotion as well.
"He was going to kill you," Jane's sob finally escaped.
"Oh, Jane," Maura's voice revealed just how much she loved the woman on the other end of the line and just how much they had been through together.
"I know I said that I would come close to dying for you," Jane began before Maura cut her off.
"I know you would do anything for me," the doctor refrained from referring to the fact that Jane had killed for her.
"I would," Jane's voice revealed her exhaustion.
"Do you think you can sleep?" Maura asked.
"I think we should try."
"I'll be right here. Call if you need."
"Thank you."
"Goodnight, Jane."
"'night."
Jane hung up the phone, settled into the couch with Jo and fell asleep.
When Jane was startled awake, her heart was racing, her body chilled and she could nearly feel the adrenaline pumping through her veins. She reached for her gun and her phone in one quick motion. As soon as she realized where she was, that she was safe and that it was only a dream, Jane leaned her head back into the couch and took long, deep breaths. Once her hands had stopped trembling, she dialed the phone.
"Are you okay?" came the answer after the phone rang only once.
"I…" And the dam holding back the tears gave way.
"You're safe, Jane. I'm right here. Listen to my voice and take deep breaths," Maura had been awake for a while, but hadn't moved from her bed, hoping to give her body time to prepare for what would likely be a hellish day.
"I hate this, Maur," Jane continued to cry into the phone, unable to say much to the woman whose heart was breaking for her.
"I know. It will be okay. You will be okay," Maura's voice soothed Jane's nerves slowly.
"Why can't I forget him? Why can't I stop seeing him in my sleep?" Jane's frustration equaled her fear.
"There is nothing that can explain why the mind does this."
"I should be stronger than this."
"Oh, Jane. You are the strongest person I have ever known. These nightmares do not make you weak," tears were now streaming down Maura's cheeks as she sat up in her bed and gripped the phone for dear life.
"Maur…" Jane's raspy voice cracked. "I need you."
"Get here," is all Maura said before she hung up the phone.
Maura got out of bed, went to the bathroom to splash water on her face and brush her teeth. She was exhausted, but her worry for Jane had her body jittery. She could hear noise in the kitchen and the smell of coffee signaled Angela's arrival. She thought of warning Angela that Jane was on the way, but she didn't want Angela in a state of panic when Jane arrived.
"Maura!" she heard Angela just after she heard the door.
She hurried to let Jane in. When she saw the dark circles under her friend's eyes and the residual fear in her features, she wanted nothing more than to embrace Jane and hold her tight. Unfortunately, they weren't alone and she didn't want to make Jane uncomfortable in front of her mother. She settled for reaching out and touching Jane's forearm as the detective entered the house.
They talked about PTSD, a discussion they both knew they should have had years ago. Jane was patient with her mother, despite her hovering. But Maura found herself really struggling to see Jane before her and not be able to hold her and remind her that she put an end to Charles Hoyt. Eventually she knew she had to get out of her pajamas and they would have to face the day. Angela said her goodbyes when Maura announced that she needed to get ready for work. Jane, still shaky from the night she'd had, was at a loss as to where she should be. All she knew is she felt better when in Maura's presence.
"Jane?" Maura asked softly, startling Jane out of her thoughts. "Come sit with me while I get ready?"
The brunette made her way to the bedroom, unsure of what to do or say. Her mind kept returning to that little boy with the puppy in her dream as Hoyt held her gun. She shivered involuntarily as she entered Maura's bedroom, something that was not lost on the doctor.
"Jane," Maura said nothing more, she simply turned toward Jane and held out her arms.
The detective walked into the doctor's arms and allowed her friend to simply hold her. The second she found herself enveloped in those arms, tears began to fall from her tired eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Maura," Jane's strangled voice vibrated against Maura's neck.
"What in the world are you apologizing for?" Maura asked as she pushed Jane's hair back behind her ear and held tight to her back with her other hand.
"For bringing him into your life," Jane sobbed.
"Jane…" Maura was now in tears. "This is not your fault."
Slowly Maura was able to direct Jane to the foot of the bed where they sat without ever letting go of one another. Both women cried without the embarrassment that came with prying eyes. There was no judgment when it was just the two of them.
"I should have come home with you," Jane murmured into Maura's hair.
Maura turned her head to look into Jane's eyes. There was a kindness in the doctor's eyes whenever she looked at Jane, but this time there was something more, something Jane remembered seeing before. It was a love for her that she had never seen reflected in the eyes of another.
"We need to get to work," Maura broke eye contact, physically rattled by the moment they were sharing. The awkward doctor did not know how to process what was happening between them. "You're coming home with me tonight."
Maura Isles was straightforward. Even in her medical mumbo-jumbo, the doctor didn't waste time on formalities. It was her honesty that Jane loved more than anything and in this moment, she appreciated how direct and even bossy the doctor was.
That night Jane arrived home to Frankie, albeit a very loud Frankie, and then her mother let herself in. She sent Maura a text to let her know she would be over later. She then realized she wanted Maura there with them. After receiving the invitation to Jane's apartment for lasagna, Maura quickly drove across town. She had already eaten and as much as she needed some time to process everything that was happening, she wanted to be with Jane. The lasagna was served, they binged on chocolates and eventually Jane made the decision that they would all go back to Maura's house. She assured Frankie that he could be the brave protector and sleep on the couch at Maura's house. Jane slept much better that night next to Maura than she had the previous night. She always slept better when in close proximity to her best friend.
It turned out they both needed that sleep to be able to face the day ahead.
The next day as they sat on Korsak's porch, each drinking a beer and playing with the puppies, Jane and Maura's eyes locked from time to time. Maura had been so supportive throughout the case, even asking Jane if she was okay after Jane wouldn't allow Maura to watch the interviews with Charles Hoyt. But as they sat there on Korsak's porch, Jane saw something more in Maura's eyes than the concern she'd seen there for the last twenty-four hours. She couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, only that it made her feel alive.
Jane hugged Korsak as they were leaving his home, even asking if he wanted her to stay. He told her to go, smiling and nodding at the doctor as a way of both saying goodbye and instructing her to take care of Jane. Frankie and Frost were going to stick around for a while, but Jane hated to leave her former partner after what he had been through. She was too tired to argue with him, though.
"How did you get here?" Jane finally asked Maura as they walked down Korsak's sidewalk to Jane's cruiser.
"I rode with the crime scene techs," she answered as she reached for the passenger side door and climbed in.
"Would you like to come over?" Jane asked as she put the car in drive and made her way out of Korsak's neighborhood.
"I…" Maura actually hesitated. "Yes."
"Don't make me twist your arm or anything, Maura," Jane chuckled.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to sound undecided," Maura smiled.
"Are you okay?" Jane knew Maura well enough to know what might have appeared to be indecision was actually worry.
"Jane, I…" Maura looked away. "Later, okay?"
Jane simply reached over and took Maura's hand. She knew this was a conversation that they would have to have; she didn't know what exactly it would entail.
They weren't at Jane's house more than ten minutes when the pizza arrived. Maura had decided to call to order it before they even got there. This was how their friendship worked. Maura was always the practical one. The two friends sat on the couch eating pizza and drinking beer—Jane didn't have any of Maura's favorite wine—and enjoying the quiet. Something they both could appreciate after a chaotic case was silence.
"Can I ask you something?" Jane said quietly.
"That in itself is a question, Jane, but yes." Maura offered a weak smile.
"Are we okay?" Jane's voice trembled.
"Oh, god. Yes, of course," Maura turned toward Jane and took one of the detective's hands in both of her own.
"I don't want to remind you of him," Jane rasped.
"Jane," Maura swallowed back the emotions that she found caught in her throat. "You are you. You do not remind me of Charles Hoyt. When his name comes up, I worry about you and I get angry because of what he did to you. But I never am reminded of him because of you."
There came a stray tear from Maura's eye as she said this to her best friend. She hoped that the emotion and seriousness with which she spoke would resonate with Jane.
"When I think of him," Jane's own voice cracked. "I no longer think of what he did to me. I think of what he almost did to you."
Maura moved closer to Jane, using one hand to rest on Jane's tear-covered cheek. Giving Jane's hand a squeeze, she was able to make eye contact with Jane. There was nothing but pain in the detective's eyes.
"You stopped him, Jane," Maura reminded the detective. "You are why we are sitting here and he is dead."
Jane closed her eyes briefly, stilling the tears momentarily. When she opened her eyes again, that look had returned to Maura's eyes that portrayed more love than Jane had ever felt from anyone else. Jane wasn't leaving that look unmatched.
"Jane…" Maura's voice was deeper than it had been moments before, velvety even.
"If he had taken you that day, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. Not because I was to blame, I was, but because I can't live my life without you, Maur. I did what I did that day because I should have."
Maura couldn't form words. Instead, she slipped her fingers from Jane's cheek into her hair, her thumb brushing the brunette's ear. She slowly leaned forward and as she did she felt one of Jane's hands flatten against her thigh. There was recognition in Jane's eyes, recognition of what was about to happen. Then their lips met softly, briefly.
"Oh, Jane," Maura hummed as their lips parted and their foreheads touched.
"I should have come home with you, Maura. I should have."
-finis-