In Which Sirius Black is Sick of Hearing About Lily Evans' Toes.
The phrase 'James Potter likes Lily Evans' is an understatement. In fact, that is so much of an understatement that if you ever said that within Sirius Black's hearing, he would snatch whichever gigantic book Remus Lupin was reading and throw it at your head. Unfortunately, a certain first year named Ned Klong had to find this out the hard way. That is to say, he found out when 'A Detailed Study of the Applications of the Ancient Arts of Arithmancy in the Pre-Merlin Society as Compared to the Post-Merlin Society', a tome of truly epic proportions, came flying at his head.
Thankfully for Mr. Klong, it just grazed his head and landed, spine up, on the floor behind him, saving him a trip to the hospital wing. He did, however, trip and land on his backside, allowing him to stare up at the enormous, enraged, shaggy-haired seventh-year towering over him. Little Ned screwed his eyes shut and wondered if he was going to die. He hadn't even been here two terms. His mother would be terribly angry that he hadn't sent her the promised 'one letter a week'.
He curled up into a ball, expecting a series of spells thrown at him by the legendary Sirius Black- and he hadn't even managed to get an autograph. Instead, an angry voice cut through the now quiet common room.
"He likes her? Likes? LIKES? Try is head over his fucking heels in LOVE with her and ignoring his friends and acting like a twitterpated wanker all for some stupid bird!"
"Language, Sirius!" Interjected a gentler voice, helping the plump first-year Asian boy up to his feet. Ned opened one eye slowly, and was met by another giant with kind golden-brown eyes, a large nose, and a scar across his face. "Ned, isn't it?" the second giant asked.
Ned nodded, eyes wide as Remus Lupin led him to a chair by the fireplace. He tried to open his mouth and plead mercy for whatever heinous crime he had obviously committed (I am but a miserly first year and know not of your strange Marauder traditions o great and mighty heroes in front of whom I grovel), but was distracted by Sirius Black glowering at him, steam coming out of his ears. Quite literally- he was eating one of those famous Honeyduke chocolates. Ned was lucky that Remus Lupin couldn't read minds, because if he heard a Hothead Hardcandy being called chocolate, he would have become more violent that Sirius on a bad hair day. Alas, our hero, Ned, didn't know this, and couldn't feel relieved, only scared.
"Nothing to see here," Sirius Black shouted, turning his scowl to the curious students clustered around them. "Move along, move along!"
Remus Lupin turned away from Ned and glared at his friend.
"What?"
"What?" Remus repeated, eyes firm and arms crossed. "What? You took the book I was reading and hurled it across the common room at some strange first year-" Ned winced when he was thus described I am sorry, pray tell me how I can be less strange and more acceptably un-strange"-for no bloody reason, that's what."
"But Reeemusss," the boy whinged, and Ned marvelled at the sudden change on his face.
"No buts."
"But-"
"No."
"But-"
"No." The prefect stuck his index finger out and pointed down at the other boy. "Sit." Sirius suddenly dropped to the floor. Ned stared. What had just happened? Sirius turned red a second later and sprang up off the warm red carpet.
"That was a dirty trick, Remus Lupin, and you know it," he said deliberately. Remus' mouth twitched as if he was fighting a smile, and his cheeks seemed strangely pink. Ned couldn't really see what was so funny- or embarrassing, at that. Bizarre or eccentric- maybe. But not funny.
Black's face suddenly split into a wide grin, and he went over and ruffled Remus' hair, slinging an arm around his shoulders. "I'm so proud of you, Moony! I knew me and Prongs would rub off on you some day! Now it's just Wormtail left to convert!"
Remus raised an eyebrow. Sirius chuckled. "Yeah, that may be a lost cause... But we're Marauders! We never give up! We never give in! Speaking of which, where is Pete?"
Remus frowned before glaring at Sirius and moving his arm off his shoulders. "Stop trying to change the subject. Why would you vault my book across the common room? It is, incidentally, more than a hundred years old- you're lucky I've started protecting all the library books I borrow from fire, juice, dog pee, mustard, jam, mud, glue, ink, gravy, firewhisky, vomit, butterbeer, potions, being thrown across the room, among various other things. Remember the time you decided to think of what the 'Noodle incident' was?"
Sirius shuddered. "Please, don't remind me."
"Who in the name of Merlin was foolish enough to introduce you to Calvin and Hobbes, anyway?"
"Um... you."
"What? Under no circumstances have I ever been suicidal or crazy!"
"It was you." A smug look was plastered across the taller boy's face as he stared at his friend, whose mouth was open with horror. "Second year. I was putting jam in your hair and you needed to finish an essay. 'Desperate times call for desperate measures', you said. You gave me the complete collection."
Remus groaned and buried his face in his hands as Sirius patted him on the back consolingly.
"There, there. You were young. We all make mistakes. And you had no idea that this would be the cause of millions of ingenious pranks in the years to come. Also, on the upside, it did let you finish your essay! And you got full marks!"
Remus glanced up. "Please tell me this isn't what gave you the idea for the snowman army."
Sirius nodded solemnly, obviously fighting a grin. "And the potion-balloons, and the enchanted snowballs, and the ice slides, and the Hairless Hogwarts day, and the black-and-white-old-muggle-movie day, and the mistletoe, and the-"
"Stop," Remus said weakly. "Please."
Sirius gave him a fond smile and continued rubbing his back.
"Um..." Ned felt like hitting himself. He should have just run while he had the chance. These two seemed certifiably crazy. "Um... can I go now?"
Sirius sat up straight. "I almost forgot about you!" He turned to his friend. "Moony! He needs to be punished."
"Why?" Remus asked, sighing, and running a tired hand through his hair.
"He said that James Potter likes Lily Evans."
"WHAT?"
"I know! I tried to tell you, but you said 'No' and told me to sit." Sirius pouted like a five-year old before giving Ned the evil eye. Ned just about managed to stop himself from squealing in a highly unbecoming manner.
Remus sighed. "I was being sarcastic, Sirius. Big deal. The kid's new. Let him go."
"But Mooonyyy!"
"No."
"But-"
"No." Ned's eyes darted back and forth nervously.
"But Remus whyyy?"
"Oh, leave him be, Padfoot. He doesn't know how much we have endured."
"Last week, he was going on about her toes, Rem, her toes!"
"I don't care! And don't call me that!"
"Easy for you to say! You were reading that bloody book and ignoring me. And James. And Peter! Me and James and Peter." He said the last bit rather hurriedly, Ned thought. "For Merlin's sake- he made us help him serenade her yesterday, Remus!"
Ned vividly remembered a starry-skied great hall (despite the fact that it was twelve in the afternoon and raining), a very pretty red-head, and a heart-felt rendition of Billy Joel's 'She's always a Woman' (Ned thought that their scary head of house, along with half the female- and some of the male- population of Hogwarts looked suspiciously teary-eyed). This was followed by a (apparently un-scheduled, if the head-boy's face was anything to go by) performance of 'Love to love you, Baby' (a song Ned's mother rather liked, but which Ned thought was utterly stupid) to which Dumbledore sang along.
"Well, it was their one-month anniversary. He wanted it to be special."
"Gosh, Moony, you are such a girl sometimes."
"Well, after seven years of failed attempts, I was happy for James." The older boy's left eye was twitching, and his fingers wriggling.
"Well, yes, but-"
"Goodness, Sirius, stop being such a child!" Remus sprang up, frustrated, letting Sirius' hand, which had been on his back, fall away. Sirius got up from the armrest of the chair. Ned flinched. His parents had fought sometimes, before his father had died, and Ned had always locked himself up in his room, trying to drown out the loud voiced by reading Justice League comics.
"Well," he started in a loud voice, "Maybe if you stopped reading that fucking book of yours-"
"Maybe if you stopped cussing-" interjected Remus, massaging his forehead
Sirius continued as if he hadn't spoken. "-And actually paid attention to what was going on around you-"
"I do pay attention!" Ned's eyes darted to the portrait hole. The common room was empty except for them- it was dinner time, so he couldn't lose himself in the crowd. Maybe if he was very quiet... and walked backwards...
"-Then you would notice that I-"
"No, I'm not listening to your malarkey-"
"Malarkey? Who even uses words like that anymore?"
"Shut up! I do pay attention."
"You're such a self-obsessed wanker, you know?"
"Sirius language!"
"Will you shut the fuck up and listen to me?"
"No I will not! I am sick of you! Oh, James and Lily this, James and Lily that. GROW UP! He has a girlfriend-a girlfriend he is very much in love with. You're supposed to be his best mate! Can't you at least be happy for him? I'm ashamed of you!"
Ned stood up. He tried not to think of his friends in the great hall, Larry and Christopher, eating steak and lasagne- his mouth watered.
"I can't be bloody happy for him when he's rubbing the fact that he is going out with the person of his dreams IN MY FACE!" Sirius was very flushed, Ned noticed. Maybe it was because of all that rubbing. He wasn't really listening. Chocolate mousse and lemon tarts...
"What, so you're in love with Lily now?" Remus asked, managing to bring his voice down to a reasonable level. Ned thought his voice sounded funny. His face was white- maybe he needed whatever rubbing Sirius had been talking about. Ned shuffled a few more steps towards the door. He was halfway there...
"No, you complete and utter arse!" Sirius had managed to bring his voice down too.
"Will you please stop that?" Remus collapsed into a chair, burrowing his face in his hands.
"No! Will you listen?"
"No!"
"Well then fine! I knew that- It isn't- I was probably wrong anyway. I just have to attend another buggering counselling session with Poppy then." He went to stand by the fire.
"Language. Is that where you've been going?"
"You actually noticed?" Sirius raised an eyebrow sarcastically.
Remus frowned. "Well, yeah of course- I- you're one of my best mates."
"One of your best mates, right."
There was a sudden silence and Ned froze- he couldn't move, he might make a sound. He held his breath, waiting for one of them to remember why they were there in the first place. He was hungry... Garlic bread and roast chicken...
"Why do you need to go for counselling sessions, Padfoot?" Ned jumped at the sudden question.
"None of your business."
"How come you haven't told us?"
"Told James."
"Didn't he say anything?"
"No. He just- he ignored it."
"What?"
"Yeah. Said he doesn't care."
Remus frowned. "That doesn't sound like James."
Sirius coughed and took a deep breath. "No. No, that's good."
"Oh?"
Ned was moving backwards again, slowly. He really was hungry. Pumpkin juice and toad-in-a-hole... He prayed that his stomach wouldn't rumble.
"Yeah."
"Okay... then why are you mad at Prongs?"
"Because- he- he needs to help me! Like how we helped him get Evans!"
Remus was white again. "Oh. So this is about that person you- you love."
Relief, plain and simple, crossed Sirius' face. "That's right. C'mon Moony, you're supposed to be smart!"
"You need to go for counselling sessions because of someone you love?"
Ned didn't really understand what was going on. He had to move very very slowly now, because they were facing him- they might notice him any second.
"Look, Remus, I'm straight."
"Thanks for reminding me," Remus said. Ned didn't think he meant to say it out loud though, because his face turned even whiter.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked, frowning.
"Nothing, nothing. You were saying?"
"Well... I just- I've been thinking-"
"Oh." Said Remus, starting.
"No- I mean, it's not like- I just-"
"Oh." Remus said again, looking up at him. Ned had no idea what was going on, but apparently, it was important.
Remus stood up.
Ned looked back- just two more steps... Treacle tart and Turkish delight...
"Sirius, you know I'm er... well. I'm a poof?"
Oh, Ned thought. No one had told him that about the marauders. His mother had had a long- and rather embarrassing- talk with him before he left for Hogwarts, and said that no matter what Ned did, or whom he loved, she would love him. He had rolled his eyes and said that he didn't really plan on falling in love with anyone, so could she just-ugh, mum get off! Then she had told him the whole 'Birds and bees' thing (as if he didn't already know), and how she didn't know if it was different for wizards, but- which, he was sure, had scarred him for life. He will always remember that seedy looking lava lamp that he had very determinedly stared at.
Just one more step- but wait, another silence. He froze once more.
Baked beans and bolognaise...
"What!" The voice was strangely squeaky.
This silence was really silent. He held his breath, waiting.
"I'm a poof, Sirius. A Shirt lifter, bent, gay. Whatever you chose to call it. Though, I suppose bisexual would be the correct term."
"But- you've never had any boyfriends." Sirius and Remus' faces had exchanged colours. Now Sirius was white and Remus was red.
"Never had girlfriends either- my uh... my furry little problem... you know?"
"Oh." Ned had heard some strange rumours about a deranged rabbit. He supposed that potential girl(or boy)friends would find that a bit putting off.
"So- so if you need any- any advice about this- this boy, I'm presuming? I'll be there for you." Remus was white again now, Sirius was back to red. The latter had a wide grin on his face, while the former, a genuine- yet somehow, slightly forced smile. This couldn't be healthy, Ned mused, changing colours and expressions like that.
He almost yelled when Sirius let out a bark- it was a bark, there was no other word to describe it- of laughter.
"Moony," he said. "Oh, Moony, Moony, Moony." He grabbed the other boy's hand and pulled him closer.
Ned inched closer to the door. Sausages and mash... but even boiled cabbage sounded good right now...
Remus' eyes widened.
Ned put his hand on the handle- it swung open noiselessly, he knew from experience. Potato and cheese bake...
Sirius closed his eyes-
Ned's own eyes were tightly shut as he turned the handle, he did not want to be intruding on a private moment that would leave him scarred for life. But oh, shepherd's pie...
Ned heard a faint mph- and then there was thunder.
Wait. That wasn't thunder. It was his stomach.
There was the sound of a plunger being removed and then silence.
Ned kept his eyes tightly shut. "Can- Can I go now?" He managed to blurt out. His voice was extremely loud and squeaky, even to his own ears.
There was a pause.
"You can go." Ned didn't think about the fact that the voice was ringing with amusement. He turned and ran away from the common room as fast as his chubby little legs would take him.
When he realised he was going the wrong way, took a u-turn and started jogging in the opposite direction, he heard a faint "Why'd you let him go? He needs to be punish- unf." And more silence and slurping sounds.
A/N: Ha! I don't know what this is, but I like it! I wrote this in January sometime, no idea why I didn't put it up until now. Oh, well. Outsider! POV, what did you guys think?