Warnings: Slash MerlinxArthur. Suicide attempt

Disclaimer: I own nothing

AN: For all of you that are reading 'For the love that holds us whole' don't worry…An update is coming up soon! I just had to take this out of my system.

…

Merlin was so tired of hiding who he was…Well, not really. He was getting used to that after so many years. What was really exhausting was to hide his feelings about a certain Prince. He knew that it could never be but he couldn't stop thinking about him no matter what. Arthur was the love of his life, he was sure of that but how could he ever tell him that? Especially now that Arthur had admitted that he thought of him as his best friend, that he was starting being nice to him. So getting drunk that night in the tavern wasn't a very good idea, especially when the prince, on his way to his quarters, found him passed out in the courtyard.

"Merlin? What are you doing here?" Merlin moaned.

"Go away you brat! I'm trying to sleep!"

"Yes, I can see that" Arthur said with amusement. "Don't you think it would be nicer to do so in your bed, you idiot?"

"Mphh…Leave me alone", he wasn't even aware that he wasn't in his bed. Arthur pulled him up and, not wanting to wake Gaius up, he thought to bring him at his own room. The bed in the servant's quarter was always available. He let him down gently and covered him with a blanket but Merlin caught his wrist as he tried to go.

"Arthur don't leave me please. It hurts…"

"Were does it hurt Merlin?"

"Here" he showed him his chest and Arthur was suddenly worried.

"Did you fell over again? Did you hurt yourself?" Merlin only shook his head.

"Why does it hurt Merlin?"

"Because I love you and you don't".

Arthur was stunned. He knew that Merlin was an awful drunk but he also knew that the boy really let his true self be known only when he had a few drinks. He didn't have time to consider what to say, he had never thought of that or of him in that way before. Merlin suddenly fully conscious stormed out of his chambers without looking back when he saw the expression on his friend's face.

The next morning came soon and he knew that he couldn't avoid seeing his love again. He took a deep breath and entered Arthur's chamber, a tray with breakfast in his hands. The prince was already dressed and fully awake. He took his breakfast without even referring to last night's event, had a more clumsy than usual Merlin help him with his armor and left for practice. Merlin wasn't sure how he felt. Was he relieved that the blond let this go without mentioning it and embarrassing him, or was he angry because he needed a response?

The days were passing and everything had gone back to normal. If Arthur noticed how Merlin was looking at him or how his hands lingered on his torso when he helped him get dressed, he never mentioned it. And Merlin was so glad, he was getting his hopes up. Maybe Arthur wasn't disgusted with the idea…Maybe he just needed some time to think about it.

…..

The warlock was very busy these last few days as he had to care of a visiting noble and his daughter as prince-brat wasn't enough already. As he was desperately trying to get his chores done in time, he passed a smiling Morgana walking down one of the castle corridors.

"Merlin" she called at him." Lucky you, you won't have to look after Arthur for much longer".

Merlin's heart sunk.

"Wha…What do you mean?"

"You don't know yet? Arthur is getting married with Lady Helen, why do you think they are visiting?"

"Are you sure? I mean…Arthur would have said something to me".

"I thought he would too…Maybe you should go talk to him". Morgana left Merlin steaming. Arthur could at least be honest with him and not act like everything was ok. Like he didn't know how much this would hurt him after he told him that he loved him. Didn't he really care about him at all to at least protect his feelings? He could at least fire him so that he didn't have to be around to watch this happening.

He entered Arthur's chamber slamming the door behind him. Arthur's attention was drawn away from his book immediately.

"Is it true?" Merlin asked, holding his gaze.

"What is?" Arthur had a really bad feeling about this.

"Are you going to marry her?"

The prince casted his eyes on the floor.

"Look, Merlin".

"Just answer the damn question Arthur".

"Yes, I will. I'm so sorry, I should have told you".

"Yes you should have…"

"I'm so sorry Merlin for putting you in this position. I never wanted to…"

"Yeah I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I got drunk and tell you things that you didn't have the guts to deal with". He turned his back to him and started for the door. "I don't wish to be at your service any more. I will leave Camelot by morning". He started walking away again but Arthur caught his arms and pulled him back, Merlin's back collided with his chest.

"Don't go Merlin…Please don't go".

"Tell me a good reason why I should stay".

"Because…Because I need you. You are my friend. I love you Merlin, just not in the way you would like me to, and for that I'm sorry".

"Would you really be that selfish? Ask me to stay and watch you getting married while you know how much I care about you?"

"Merlin please…Just…stay".

The younger boy could feel his heart shattering into pieces at the pleading tone in Arthur's voice.

"Whatever my prince commands" he untangled himself from Arthur's embrace and left.

Arthur couldn't believe what he had just asked him to do. He could see the hurt in Merlin's trembling figure but it didn't stop him for requesting such a sacrifice from him. Maybe, he thought, time will help him forget. But I can't let go of him. Why? I don't know. Damn it, Merlin! What are you doing to me? Why do you always make me feel a lesser man?

…..

The follow morning was the day that Merlin would have to stop thinking of Arthur once and for all; and it hurt so much. How do you say goodbye to the most important thing in your life. How can you go on knowing that the man you love love's someone else, that he will never look at you in that way that warms your whole soul. That he wouldn't even hold your hand in his, whisper loving words to your ear, tell you that he loves you back.

The prince wasn't doing any better than Merlin. He missed his friend very much. Merlin will always be in his chambers doing his chores like before but he wouldn't even look at him. He swore that if he would hear another 'Yes sire' coming from his servant's mouth he would punch him straight in the face. And then he started noticing the smaller things. How the boy wasn't smiling any more, even with Gaius or Gwen (not that the prince was watching him of course), how the gleam of his eyes was gone and how his hands were trembling whenever he tried to pass something to him. He was thinner and paler if possible and sometimes, when he thought that Arthur wasn't looking, he would put his hand on his chest as if he was in deep pain. He knew that it was his fault that Merlin was suffering and he couldn't forgive himself for it. He was irritated with himself mostly, and was snapping at everyone, even at Morgana's maid, sweet Gwen. The servants were all avoiding him in the castle and his knights were actually trying to lose just so they would maintain fewer bruises from their commander. He couldn't really say that he was in love with Lady Helen, but his father insisted and she was a decent enough person to spend the rest of his life with.

The night before the wedding ceremony, Merlin was in Arthur's room, getting his ceremonial clothes ready, holding back his tears and trying not to faint. Suddenly everything was too much. Arthur wasn't even speaking to him the last couple of days.

"Arthur? Can I ask you a favor?"

"Anything Merlin" the prince was afraid of what he might ask from him but he couldn't turn him down again.

"You will be a married man tomorrow and I want you to…"he stammered.

"Yes?" Arthur prompted him to continue not sure that he wanted to hear what was about to come.

"I want you to kiss me, for the first and the last time. I love you so much that hurts. I want you to be my first and I promise you I won't bother you again. Just please…Make the pain go even for a few seconds". The young warlock was now sobbing, his eyes on the floor panicking when he realized that the man across him hadn't answer.

Arthur on the other hand was barely holding it together. Seeing Merlin like this stirred something inside of him. Pain was a feeling that Merlin's kind heart should never feel. The boy always stood by his side loving him, taking care of him, giving his life for him, and all he had ever asked back was to be accepted. The prince felt warmth rushing through his entire body and he couldn't help but smile at Merlin. With a few steps he had penetrated the warlock's personal space crashing his lips on his. Merlin's mouth was sweet and soft and the kiss chaste. Arthur nipped his lower leap and was immediately granted access. He suddenly couldn't have enough of Merlin he wanted to feel every inch of his body. This felt so right and so beautiful. It was Merlin who came to his senses first and broke the kiss, tears still coming down his face. He took a few steps back and looked into Arthur's face like searching for any kind of emotion.

"Merlin, that was…"

"Totally inappropriate and I'm never to speak of it again" the young boy interrupted not wanting to hear any more hurtful words from his prince's mouth.

"No, Merlin…"

"It's ok, really. I have to go, I promised that I won't bother you again after all".

"Merlin wait".

"Goodbye Arthur…And good luck". He rushed to the door clutching his chest and left him.

"I think…I love you too" he whispered into thin air.

…

Uther requested to speak with his son the next morning right before the ceremony.

"You wanted to see me father?"

"Arthur, I couldn't help but notice some strange behavior from you these past few days".

"Forgive me, my lord. It must have been the anxiety for the wedding".

"Do you love Lady Helen Arthur?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm here as your father Arthur. I can see that you are not happy and I know that this is my fault, for forcing to marry a woman you don't love".

"What do you want me to say father?"

"The truth. Is there someone else that holds your heart son?"

"Yes…I think there is?"

"Merlin?"

"How do you…?"

"Everyone knows, Arthur, but you as it would seem. We all saw how you wouldn't let him go, how unhappy he was when your marriage was announced, and how that make you unbearable to live with" Uther chuckled.

"I'm sorry I've disappointed you father. Merlin means the world to me, but so does my duty to Camelot. I will do as you asked and never speak of this again".

"Nonsense…You will go and find Merlin and bring him back".

"But…" Arthur wasn't sure that he was talking to his father anymore.

"But nothing. I've spent my whole life in hatred and that's something that I don't want for my only son. Don't be alone son. Go…I'll deal with our guests".

Arthur threw his arms around his fathers, silent tears falling from his eyes

"Thank you father…You have no idea what that means to me".

Arthur left for the one place he was sure he could find Merlin. He still had his taste on his lips from last night and he now knew why he could never let him go from his life. But Gaius chambers where empty, so was Merlin's room. Confused he made to leave but a piece of paper on the physician's bed caught his attention. He picked it up.

" Dear Gaius

I'm sorry but you understand why I had to leave. I've never felt so lost in my entire life. I can't survive without him and I'm not planning to do so. I'm only telling you this because I owe you an apology and an explanation. Please, if Arthur ever asks don't tell him anything. Just tell him that I went back to Ealdor. He will be a great King, I always knew that, and he doesn't need the guilt of my departure on his shoulders. Tell him that I loved him more than anything. Thank you for everything

Merlin."

Arthur couldn't believe in his eyes. What was that idiot going to do? Why on earth didn't he stop him from leaving last night? He searched desperately in his mind for a place where Merlin could be and suddenly it dawned to him. That stupid lake he was so much enjoying when they went hunting. He took his horse without even saddling it and hoped he would make it in time.

He found him standing in a high rock, a lot of feet above the surface of the water. He wouldn't make it if he jumped. He crept behind him silently and only talked to him when he reached him.

"Merlin stop!"

Arthur didn't seem to acknowledge him.

"You are not here, this is not real" the boy took a step forward ready to fall but the prince grabbed him right on time. He turned him into his arms until he was facing him.

"Does that feel real then?"Arthur kissed him with every inch of passion that was in him. He knew that this was the time to show Merlin how much he loved him, how much he needed him. He broke the kiss desperately needing to get some air.

"Arthur?"

"Yes…I'm here now and I won't leave you again".

"You should be at your wedding".

"There will be no wedding".

"But…"

"But nothing you idiot. Will you ever let me utter a single phrase?"

"Sorry"

"I love you too Merlin and that's why I will never let you leave me", he kissed him again, this time gently.

"So what happens now?"

"Now you will come home with me".

…

AN: Liked it or hated it? Let me know!