"I wanted to die, that's all there is to it..." Heavy words hung in the air as a soaked Midoriya Izuku avoided looking at a horrified, and also drenched, Bakugo Katsuki.
"So you tried to drown yourself...!?" Words could not explain how heartbreaking that was for Katsuki to hear. "Are you a fucking idiot!?"
Two Years Earlier
"Why don't you do everyone a favor and jump of a building, Deku?!"
His classmates laughed. His former friend laughed. His former friend was the one that made the remark, and though Izuku was extraordinarily strong-willed, every single word stung. Did Kacchan hate him so much that he wanted him dead? The thought alone made the young boy's heartache. There was only so much that time could do; it could not heal all wounds. Even those fractured by the person themselves.
Izuku peeked his head up when everyone settled down. He sat right behind Bakugo, always had and - if they both got into UA - always would.
But time is a cruel mistress and does not pity the weak. Izuku always thought he was strong, but inside everyone lurks a monster with a weakness unknown to its host.
Present Moment
Izuku looked to the side before looking at the blonde directly. "It's not the first time I've tried to kill myself, Kacchan... Why are you so shocked...? I'm merely taking your advice."
"What?" Bakugo's eyes widened as he snarled. He rushed over and grabbed Deku by the scruff of his collar. "You're blaming me!?"
"You're the one that told me to go die, Kacchan. So yes... all of this... is YOUR FAULT!" Midoriya pushed Katsuki off him and stumbled backwards, falling on his ass. "I wholeheartedly blame you Kacchan!" His voice cracked saying his childhood friend's name.
One Year Earlier
Midoriya had a run in with All Might, his favorite Hero. Said Hero told him he'd need a Quirk to be number one. Though Midoriya was granted All Might's power and was no longer Quirkless, the words left him haunted by his past. It was a past the boy tried to tuck away and hide... but only because it brought out a side of him he wanted to kill off.
You can't be a Hero. You can't even control the power you were given.
It was a snakelike voice the echoed and played like a record in his head, endlessly on repeat. But now was not the time for this voice. He was eagerly waiting to see if he got accepted into UA or not.
No way you got accepted. Even with All Might's power, you couldn't hit a single robot except the big one worth 0. You failed. You're a failure. No wonder your dad left you.
"Shut up... SHUT UP!"
A loud thud sounded as Midoriya threw his books off the desk. He clutched his head as if he were in pain before being brought back to reality by a knock at his door.
"Izuku. Are you okay sweetie? I heard a loud noise."
Izuku let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding and nodded, though his mother couldn't see the action. It was more of him trying to convince himself that he was okay. "Yeah, I'm fine mom. I accidentally knocked some of my books to the ground while study."
"Okay, Izuku. Don't work too hard."
It was a lie. Ever since All Might said those words, he'd fallen into a neurodivergent path. He had certain neurotic tendencies, worse than his muttering, that caused him to act without thinking. It was a new development in his psyche that contradicted his strategic mind. He'd also, though he'd never admit it to himself or anyone else, fallen into a very deep depression. It had always been there, ever since the first day he'd found out that he was Quirkless.
It only slowly ate at him in time until...
"Just die, Deku!"
Midoriya looked at his hands, not realizing the tears leaking out of his eyes or that his vision had gone blurry at all. "Kacchan... you used to be my best friend... I wish..." He closed his eyes tightly as memories unwound themselves from the recesses of his mind. Every happy memory he'd had shared with Bakugo now at the forefront of his thinking. "I just... I want to reach out to you again, Kacchan... I want us to be friends, and laugh like we used to... I want to hold your hand again as you lead me toward the future..."
The sorrow and grief overwhelmed Midoriya at times.
You lost him cause you're useless. Even with One For All, you're worthless.
The words echoed like an empty chamber, bouncing around his head. He looked down at his hands, eyes emptying as he felt a sudden numbness take a hold of him. He walked out of his room and into his parents' room. He headed for their bathroom and went into his dad's cabinet. His mom had never thrown own Hisashi's things.
Reaching inside, Midoriya pulled out one of the blades from the razor. He played with it a bit in his hands, mind reeling. Should he do this? He was the heir to One For All. If he died, then that incredible power would be lost.
Then pour your blood into a container and label it 'drink me' to give somebody more deserving that power... then you can die, and nobody will miss you...
"Yeah... who would miss me anyways...?" He knew the answer, but he blocked his mom's voice and image from his mind as he prepared a container. He looked at his now emotionless face in the mirror as he pressed metal to skin. If there was one thing the internet...
Cut across the street and a hospital you'll find; a COMA dream with every breath.
Cut down the road and a morgue you'll find; an endless dream with your DEATH.
"Time to visit my friend down the road..."
Present Moment
"All I wanted... was to be your friend again. But you kept pushing me away! You don't think being Quirkless had a negative effect on me!? And then, when I needed you the most, Kacchan. You told me to go die! So, I followed your advice. I thought this is what you wanted!" Izuku cried out as he stood up and stumbled around as he laid out his grievances. "Pardon my French, but fuck you Kacchan! How can you look someone you used to care about in the eyes and tell them to die!?"
Bakugo, for once in his life, just stood in stunned silence. He shook, but it wasn't entirely from anger. Most of it was from realizing that he truly was to blame. "I thought you were stronger than that, Deku! Didn't you wanna be the number one hero?"
"Well, I'm not, Kacchan... I'm not. I'm human too... and what's the point of being number one, if..." Deku sniffed as he wiped at his eyes. "...if you're not standing there with me? I wanted us to reach the top together, but after grade school, you wanted nothing to do with me, and... it hurt, Kacchan. It hurt so much and I just... I fell deeper and deeper. I was drowning, and I didn't have a life vest to save me... Excuse me for not be perfect. You're not perfect either! You have issues too!"
"I know that, dumbass-"
"And there you go, calling me names again. First I'm Defenseless Izuku, now I'm dumbass!? What more do you want from me!?" Izuku screeched before plopping in the sand again, exhausted. "I'm so over this..."
Bakugo stayed silently as he looked away from his once-upon-a-time best friend. He hadn't realized what was going on in the broccoli-headed boy's head. Now that he knew, he wished he'd gotten over himself and been there for him. Maybe then things wouldn't be so bad. Maybe then things wouldn't have ended up this way. But he hadn't even known that Deku was mentally ill, or even attempted to take his life. All he knew was Midoriya missed a couple weeks of school shortly after the UA Entrance Exams.
One Year Earlier
Inko called her son down for dinner. She waited a few minutes before calling his name again. Still nothing.
"I wonder what's keeping Izuku. He's probably studying too hard like he normally does... he's so studious." She smiled to herself and went upstairs. Knocking on the door, she called out for her son once more. "Izuku, time for dinner..."
No answer. Now Inko was worried. Izuku always responded. Maybe he had headphones in, that's why he hadn't answered her. She opened the door cautiously and looked inside. Izuku wasn't there. She looked at the window, it was sealed shut. Inko was even more worried now. She went to his bathroom, not even knocking on it as she opened it.
No Izuku.
"Izuku! Where are you?!" Had he gone out and not told her? Unlikely. Had she not heard him? Also unlikely. She went to start back downstairs when she caught sight of something. Her room door was slightly ajar. Ever door in this house always remained closed, thanks to Izuku's compulsiveness to keep things orderly. Not necessarily clean and spotless, but orderly and organized - as much as he could with his own disorganized head.
Inko crept towards the door and opened it. She immediately saw the door to her bathroom was also ajar. Now, what would Midoriya need in her bathroom? She feared to know the answer. Slowly walking over to the door, she pushed it up and felt it bump into something. She peered her head around the corner and saw Izuku, her baby boy, lying collapsed on the ground. Blood was pooling around the wrist he had flayed open.
"IZUKU!" Immediately Inko grabbed him up, not caring where the blood was getting on. She scooped him up and put him on her bed before rushing to grab her medical supplies. She went back upstairs and applied pressure to the wound as she wrapped it up tightly before dialing 1-1-9. "Hello. I need an ambulance! I can't wait, so I'm just gonna start running to my nearest hospital, but if an Ambulance could meet me on the way, I'm gonna stay on the phone so you can track my location. I can't wait for an ambulance and I don't have a car. My son is bleeding to death." Her voice was cracking as she picked him up with her mom strength - also with the help of adrenaline - and carried him in her arms. He'd put on more weight since he started training, but by god, she was going to save her son. This was her little Izuku and as a mother, she would find a way.
Izuku was unsure when he passed out from blood loss, but he awoke to a steady beeping sounding. He looked up over at the monitors he was attached to. Further investigation placed him in a hospital room with two IVs sticking into him: one on his hand and one in his arm. Looking up, he saw he had an IV drip bag with the words "Lactated Ringer's" on it; this bag fed into the needle in his hand. The other one was a blood bag with the blood type "O+" written on it; this bag fed into the need in his arm. He looked over to his side to see his mother sleeping peacefully beside him. He must have worried her endlessly.
He shook as the tears fell from his eyes. The shaking woke his mother and when she saw her baby boy was awake, she hugged him; though, she hesitated with all the things he was attached to, originally going to hug him hard but instead settling for a gentler hug.
"Izuku! Why didn't you tell me you were feeling so bad? I would've taken you to therapy. Your father's child support and alimony checks, plus what I make at the convenience store are ample enough for that..."
"I... I'm so sorry mom. I knew you'd miss me and be sad, but... I was selfish. I blocked you out, so I could... Mom, I just... even though things are turning around, it hurts... I miss when I could talk to Kacchan, mom! I miss when he'd come over and we'd have snacks. Or I'd go over to his house and play video games... I miss him, mom! And he hates me... it's unbearable... And dad's never home because I'm useless and worthless and Quirkless... And everybody hates me, mom... How can I be the number one Hero when everyone hates me?"
Inko's heart broke at her son's despair. "Oh, Izuku. They don't hate you. They don't even know you..."
"But Kacchan knows me and he DOES hate me. And it hurts, because... I know it. I know that I'm in love with Kacchan, and him hating me... I can't..."
Inko stayed silent for a moment, smiling slightly to herself for a moment. She kind of figured that was the case. Izuku had always idolized Katsuki, even from a small age, and though Izuku favored All Might as a Hero... Katsuki was Izuku's personal hero. That's all young Izuku ever talked about, was how cool 'Kacchan' was.
"He doesn't hate you, Izuku. He's... in his own headspace right now. Even Mitsuki-chan is having trouble with him right now. It's not your fault. You're both teenagers and, people change over time. You might become friends again later on, but if you don't that's normal too. People drift apart, Izuku. Like your father and me. Even if you two don't become friends again, you'll make new friends at UA..."
"What...? I... I got in?" Deku's eyes widened a bit as he sniffed as Inko nodded.
"Yes. I read the acceptance letter, but they have a video that goes with it that I think you should watch when you get home..."
"How long have I been in here...?"
"Only a day, but... I and the doctor think you should go to a mental facility, at least for two weeks. I'll drop any classwork and homework you get off each day, so you don't get behind in your studies," Inko sniffed and she looked at her son.
"Oh... okay... I think that's probably for the best choice... Uhm... there's some blood in a container on the sink, mom... can you flush it down the drain?"
Inko blinked but then nodded. "I won't ask, I'm terrified to know why it was there-"
"There's a note to All Might explaining everything, uhm... can you just burn that. And please, don't read it..."
Inko remained silent for a small bit before she nodded. "Okay. I'll trust you on this one. But please... don't do this to me again. You're all I have, Izuku. I can't bear to lose you. It's why it terrifies me that you want to be a Hero, but... I'll support you because I know it's your biggest dream." She smiled that motherly smile she always gave when her son made nerve-wracking (for her) decisions.
"Thanks, mom. And... I promise I'll get better..."
Two weeks passed by and Bakugo had noted something that irritated him. Deku hadn't been at school for these past two weeks. The blonde was keen on observation, especially when it came to the green-haired lad. Shortly after the UA Entrance Exams, Deku became despondent. He stopped resisting Bakugo's abuse, stopped responding and replying. Almost as if he'd given up.
Then, suddenly, Deku was back. Thought, Katsuki was the only one who noticed. The boy didn't have the same pep as before, but he definitely seemed in a better mental state.
What the hell happened...?
That question ate at him, but Katsuki's own pride didn't allow him to ask the meek boy. Instead, he just ignored it and ignored it, like he usually did.
Present Moment
"Those two weeks you were out of school... that's when you tried to kill yourself. Show me the scar."
Izuku blinked as he looked up at the blonde as if he were crazy. "Kacchan-"
"Show me the damn scar, Deku!"
Izuku frowned, then sighed, but complied. He stood up and rolled up his sleeve to show a long, whitened scar going down his left forearm. There were other smaller scars littered up and down it, going horizontally rather than vertically along his arm. But the long one was the one that popped out. "These... aren't the only ones."
"Show me every single one of them."
Again, Izuku followed the commands. Soon he was only in his boxers. Aside from the scars of using his Quirk, there were also scars that were clearly self-inflicted. They littered his torso, arms, and thighs. There were some scars on his back from an incident where was captured and tortured shortly before the end of their first year at UA.
When Katsuki saw every scar that littered his once-perfect body, he inhaled sharply. His brows knitted together in his own grief-stricken way. He hadn't realized it was this bad. "Aren't you taking medication and going to therapy?"
"I am, but it doesn't always work... I'm obsessed with you, Kacchan... even I could just have you as a friend again, I'd be-"
"Obsessed...?"
Deku looked down and then up at Katsuki with saddened eyes. "You'll think me gross but what more do I have to lose at this point...?" He inhaled deeply before exhaling, eyes flicking down while he did so before casting their gaze upon the blonde in front of him. "I'm in love with Kacchan, and have been... probably for as long as I've known you... but I realized it at the end of our last year in middle school..." A faint blush crossed freckled cheeks as he admitted himself to Bakugo.
The blonde's own cheeks turned pink at the confession, he now looked taken aback, but not in a bad way.
"I talked about All Might with you because that was a common interest we had, but... at home, I always told mom how cool you were. How much I just... wanted to be beside you..." Izuku shook as the tears started to come forth again. "I loved you so much, that... when you decided you hated me, I... I didn't know what to do. I could never get on your level. You had this powerful Quirk and I'm... I was Quirkless. I was useless and worthless... that's why dad left... and that's why you left, Kacchan... I didn't know how to get you back, even as just an acquaintance that didn't hate me... So, I pushed and I tried... I was always chasing after you, but you were always out of reach..."
A silence followed before Izuku started up again, Bakugo being oddly silent for once and letting the green-eyed boy finish his thoughts. "And then... I caught up to. I got on your level, with All Might's power. We fought a lot, still... I'd win some fights, you'd win others. We were finally on equal ground... but still... all I ever kept seeing was your back as turned to run in a different direction. Any direction that wasn't where I was standing. In the end, it didn't matter if we were on equal ground or not... you still didn't- no, you still DON'T want anything to do with me..."
"I never said that."
"But you have said you hated me."
"I've said that to my mom. But I don't actually hate her... and, I don't hate you either. I never did..."
Izuku looked up, vision blurry from his cascade of tears. "Then explain this all to me. Why did you avoid me...?" His voice sounded broken, like his entire being seemed to be at this point.
Bakugo remained silent, looking at the sand on the beach they'd washed up on. As the silence continued, the only thing heard was the wind blowing and the waves lapping at the shore. Finally, Midoriya put on his clothes and started walking away.
"What-"
"If you're not going to answer, then I'm leaving... you've always held your pride so damn high that it's hurt others around, Kacchan. Even yourself..."
"Don't go."
"Then answer me! Why have you been avoiding me this entire time?!"
"Multiple reasons, Deku! It's not simple. I've never been a simple person. I tried to play like I was but we all knew that was bullshit!"
Izuku rocked back on his feet at the admission he'd received from his blonde classmate. "Wha-"
"Shut up! I'm not done talking. You did yours, so let me do mine!"
Deku nodded as he studied Bakugo's facial expression. Said man took several deep breaths to calm himself before speaking again. "The reasons I avoided you are like a fucking onion. It has fucking layers." He ran a hand through his hair, inwardly grimacing at the analogy and Shrek-reference. "First of all, probably the most dominant reason was my pride. You helped me when I was supposed to be stronger than you, and that damaged my ego. So, I pushed you away, but I couldn't help but still worry about you, so I kept an eye on you. But, you seemed to do well without me, ranting and raving about All Might. I grew jealous and angry at you presumably not needing me, so I started attacking you. But through all that, when you still persevered... I grew an admiration for your resilience and endurance... an admiration that, because of my pride, would go unexpressed. Then, before I knew it I..." Bakugo's cheeks heated up at the next few things that were gonna leave his mouth.
When a few moments passed back and Katsuki didn't continue, Izuku pressed for an answer. "You what...?"
Still silence, but Bakugo's cheeks grew hotter and hotter.
"Kacchan?" Deku was so close to getting an answer, so he wasn't letting up. "Tell me, Kacchan. Before you knew it, you what?"
"God, this is fucking difficult. It's not me at all."
"Well don't be YOU right now. It's just us. Nobody's here, so bury your fucking pride already! Nobody's gonna tease you about what's really in your head, Kacchan!"
Bakugo snapped his head up and looked at Deku, face like a tomato. "It's not my pride, idiot! How the fuck do you tell your childhood friend that one of the reasons you cut off ties with them was because you also fell for them when they confessed first!?"
There was a very sharp silence after those words left the fiery boy's mouth, though those words hung heavy in the air. Deku's face now matched Katsuki's shade of red, as his heart pitter-pattered in his chest. "You..."
"Don't say it."
Izuku was gonna say it. "You've been in love with me this whole time...?"
Katsuki refused to look the other boy in the eyes as he scowled. "Well, yeah... but... how the fuck was I supposed to know the feeling was mutual? Especially since I pushed you away... and... I really didn't want you to think I was gross..." His face looked almost hurt as he stared at the sand. "...I think that would've killed me inside..."
"You call me an idiot... I've only ever been supportive of you, Kacchan. Why would you think-"
"Homosexuality isn't exactly a widely accepted thing in Japan just yet, Deku. In case you hadn't noticed..."
Izuku nodded and twiddled his thumbs, face red. He gulped harshly and went over to Bakugo and before the other knew what was happening, a sweet kiss was placed on his forehead.
Katsuki took a step back in surprise, a placed a hand on his forehead. He was clearly disheveled and unsure of what to do. "What are you doing...?"
"Look, Kacchan, we're both fumbling through this... but we gotta start somewhere... are you telling me that after both confessions, you don't wanna try our hand at this?"
Bakugo looked at Izuku, eyes wide with terror as he felt his heart sink. "You kiddin' me...? Of course, I do, Deku... but if it doesn't work out and this rift we already have gets bigger... I don't want you hating me, and I don't want to end up actually hating you... I-"
"Kacchan... I believe... some things are worth the risk..."
Silence ensued once more before Deku closed in on Bakugo, who didn't move. Izuku slowly wrapped his arms around the other's neck and let their eyes meet. Pools of emerald stared into endless crimson before eager lips met with one another. Katsuki subconsciously closed his eyes as his arms glided around Izuku's waist, pulling him closer and closing the distance more. It was a sweet and passionate kiss that could qualify as a taste of sugar.
After a few moments, both parties separated and cast their gaze on each other again. Bakugo pulled back and took Deku's hand before leaning over to kiss his arm, right where the scars were. He repeated this action on the other arm, across Deku's belly, and on each thigh before returning his left forearm which he kissed a second time but on the opposite end. He left a trail of kisses down the vertical cut before returning his attention to Deku's lips for a second time, but for a briefer time.
"Never, EVER do that again, Deku... I can't bear the thought of losing you."
"I won't Kacchan... I don't ever wanna see you cry, and let's be honest. You look like you're on the verge of tears right now..." Izuku gave a slight breathy laugh at the end of his sentence.
Katsuki sniffed and rubbed at his eyes. "No, I'm not."
"Ah, there's the pride. I honestly didn't think you to be such the sweet and gentle type..."
"I can be... if that's what you need, Deku. But only YOU will EVER get to see this side of me, got it?"
Izuku chuckled, a real chuckle as a sense of happiness took a hold of him again. "I'm honored, and I wouldn't want it any other me. Only I get to see the real Kacchan he never shows anyone else."
"Yeah, but that comes with a stipulation."
"Oh? What's that?"
"...only I get to see the sides of you no one else sees... and you can never leave my side, ever again. Understand?"
"Understood. And I don't plan on leaving, ever."
Bakugo rested his head against Deku's for a short bit before a boat was heard off in the distance. Both looked over to see the cruise ship that their entire class was on headed for their island.
"How'd they find us? We didn't even put up any signs or anything."
"They probably haven't yet. They probably just see an island that's right around the trajectory of where we could've drifted... Yaoyorozu's probably spearheading it. Chick's smart, I'll give her that..."
"Well, you should set off a really big explosion..."
"I can't. I'm wet. I need to work up a sweat." Bakugo's eyes looked over to Deku, a slight tint to his cheeks before he gave a cocky smirk. "And I know just the way to do it."
"Huh...? ... Wait! Kacchan! We just started dating and you already...? Ah! Don't touch there! We're the sand, it's gonna get everywhere! ... Kacchan, are you even listening!? ... KACCHAN YOU JERK!"
Deku waddled into Bakugo's room on the ship after being told to meet him there in a couple of hours. He'd showered and cleaned sand from places sand was not meant to dwell.
"What's up, Kacchan?"
"You're clinically depressed... are you sure you're gonna be okay with just being by my side...?"
Izuku remained silent but then grinned widely at the blonde. A true grin. "Of course. Even if I feel down, I know you'll be there to pick me back up. You're strong. Sometimes, just being there is enough for a person... and honestly, just being by your side is enough for me... I'll probably slip up, but... I'll fight it, because I don't wanna spend a moment without, for the rest of my life..."
Bakugo smirked and pulled Deku on top of him before kissing his nose. "This side of you is what I love most. Which is why I'll fight to keep it your dominant side."
Deku smiled and just relaxed to the steady humdrum beat of Bakugo's heart. After all, it belonged to Izuku now, so he wanted to hear the beautiful noise it made. Every beat meant Izuku was breathing because he could hear it. Every beat mean Katsuki was still alive, and that meant Izuku's will to live only grew stronger.
"I love you, Kacchan..."
Arms wrapped around a smaller frame as two boys drifted to sleep. "...I love you, too, Izuku."
Nobody ever likes to talk about suicide. But it happens. Sometimes people are saved, others are not. In this case, Deku was saved by Kacchan. But not all stories end happily, and most of them are filled with tears. Their story had tears. Their story was filled with hurt and anguish. And it's a story that both Bakugo Katsuki and Midoriya Izuku had to live. It's a reality that haunted Bakugo; his best friend had major depression and suicidal thoughts, and there was next to nothing he could do to help him other than being there.
But sometimes, being there is enough.
Thanks for reading this.
I've been writing it since April so I'm glad it's finally finished.
The cover photo is of my own creation, so I hope it's adequate.
Your author,
Nova