A/N Hi friends. Major trigger warnings for this story. Self-harm. Please be safe, the descriptions are graphic at times.
Snape anxiously tapped his foot behind his desk. He had a certain Ravenclaw on his mind. Allie West. She was a 5th year, top of her class. She was, or she had been thought Snape with a shake of his head, a vibrant, lively student who had a palpable passion for academics. She showed a well above average aptitude for potions, and since the middle of her 3rd year, she had worked as an apprentice for Professor Snape. They had grown quite close over the past years. They worked together, mostly in silence, but when a potion needed to simmer for a certain amount of time, they would sit and drink tea, and eventually they would chat. Snape almost grinned, recalling the times the girl had made him laugh-something few people could do. Mostly they worked in a companionable rhythm, and much to Snape's chagrin, he rather cared for the girl.
But Allie had come back from summer break, and something had changed. She had lost quite a bit of weight, and what once was an appealingly athletic figure was now a bony, shadowed one. She was quiet, too. She had had an almost compulsive need to comment on everything, and her laugh was close to the surface and quick to bubble over. She talked quickly and excitedly, especially when discussing an academic pursuit. But now, she was quiet, and hardly laughed.
Her eyes had once been bright and present. Now, she was a hundred miles away. Her friends would have to physically rouse her to get her attention, and in class Professors would say her name three, four times, before she would snap back into it.
Allie had been a topic of conversation at the most recent professors' meetings. Her grades were starting to slip. She was getting thinner and thinner. Almost all the professors had tried to talk to her, but she would just whisper that she was fine, thank them for their concern, and walk away, leaving no room for argument. The other Professors urged Snape to do something about this, as he was the closest to her.
Snape knew that he was better off doing it sooner rather than later, and decided to keep her after class that Friday. As she was packing up her things, he spoke. "Miss West" He said, barely meeting her eyes, "Please, sit."
Allie sat down gingerly, and bowed her head, her eyes, a uniquely silver gray, hardly showing behind the fringe of her brown bangs. She looked rather nervous, and Snape noticed that she kept her right hand pressed into her left forearm.
"It would be rather irresponsible for me to not inquire about your health." Snape said in a low voice, as the final student left the room.
"Sir?" She looked up. "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean."
"Surely you don't find me to be stupid, Miss West? Perhaps unobservant?" His voice was silky and lacked the malice usually associated with it. He was never malicious to Allie-that ship had sailed a long time ago.
"No, of course not sir. I just mean-"
"What, then? I pray that you will not tell me you are fine"
Allie gets nervous, and starts playing with the hem of her robe. It is then that Severus noticed a wet spot on the inner part of her sleeve. His mind reels for a moment, as he puts together the pieces. He remembers the sweaters she would wear, even in the summers, and the way she would never roll up her sleeves, even when they got in the way of preparing ingredients. Now, looking at what he assumed was fresh blood shed, he knew he had to do something about it. He stands, and Allie flinches at the sudden movement. Snape softens even further, concerned.
"I will not hurt you Allie." She lifts her head again, startled by the use of her first name. Snape crouches before her, and she nervously pulls back her arm, looking at him. "Let me see your arm."
"Sir" She said backing up into her chair, "Sir, I have to be going now." She tries to stand, but Snape gently grabs hold of her unharmed wrist, and lowers her down. "Please" She says, her voice sounding tired and dead. "Please, don't do this."
She starts to panic when he does not let go and just continues to look at her. She yanks her arm away from him. She stands and tries to go around him to the door. He spells the door closed, and she yanks on the doorknobs, and loses all control. "Let me go!" She says quietly.
"No." Replies Snape. "You are obviously not well, child. Let me see your arm"
"Let me go! You have no right! Don't do this to me" She continues screaming in this vein. She bangs her fist into the door, she screams, she attempts to spell open the door, she is a tiny whirlwind of rage and fear.
"Allie" Snape tries to intervene, "Please calm down. You're going to hurt yourself." She continues her actions, and Snape just watches her, his arms crossed, knowing that she needs to tire herself out. After several long moments, she turns and puts her back to the door, sliding down until she is sitting, her knees pulled up to her chest, her head down.
"Please, have a seat." His voice is low and full of concern. He reaches out a hand, which Allie refuses to take. She stands unsteadily, and walks back to the chair, sitting gracelessly, rocking slightly, clenching and unclenching her fists. "Let me see your arm" Allie hesitates.
I can't believe I got caught, thought Allie. I have been doing this for... how many years? And now I get caught? I wish there was a way out of this but I don't see one. I will not cry. He won't take this away from me, right? He can't. I won't let him. No one can stop me from hurting myself.
Feeling more at ease with her thoughts, she extends her arm, and Snape rolls up her saturated sleeve.
He intakes his breath a bit sharply as her surveys the damage the girl has done to herself. The entire forearm is marred with scars, white red and pink. Some nearly an inch wide, and several inches long. There are cuts in various stages of healing, some held together crudely with medical tape, three of which were made within the hour and were bleeding still.
He doesn't know which words to use. When he would come into contact with a student who engaged in self harm, which was not often, he would send the student to their head of house. But Allie was close to him, and he knew he was to be the one to help her. He felt a heaviness in his chest that he was unaccustomed to. Her wounds were much more severe than the average cutter's. He knew he was dealing with a serious and dangerous obsession, not just the passing morbid curiosity of a teenage mind.
"I'm going to bandage these, ok?" Allie seemed lost in her head. She nodded, and tears started to fall down her face. His voice was gentle, and she had never been cared for in this way.
Snape accio'ed a first aid kit, and a wet cloth, and went to work on healing her arm. He worked silently, ignoring the faint twitches of her arm. He wrapped the bandages tight around her. He spelled clean the area and the supplies, and pulled a chair so he was sitting right in front of her.
"Allie, I know this is going to be difficult, but I need you to answer some questions, ok?" She nodded. "Do you know why you are doing this?"
"I feel uncomfortable talking about this, Sir. I appreciate you bandaging me, but I really must be on my way. I am already late for Transfiguration." She mumbled, not daring to meet his eye.
"I will send a note to Professor McGonagall. I understand you are not comfortable, but I do need you to try and answer my question."
Allie took a deep breath, and cleared her throat. "Sometimes-" She sputtered and paused. Snape looked at her patiently. "Sometimes, things sort of, zoom away. I dissociate." She looked up as if looking for his approval. He nodded to show he was listening. "Things get really far away, I get really far away, and cutting is the only thing that I've found that brings me back."
"What do you mean when you say really far away?" Snape leaned closer and tilted his head slightly to the left.
"It's hard to describe. Things stop feeling real. Things, they take on different textures. Everything looks strange. I can't seem to get in touch with the real world. It feels like my body isn't mine. People's faces, the proportions change. I can't understand my own voice. Sometimes, I can't see or hear things anymore, and I wake up from it cutting. It's- it's hard to explain but it's unbearable to be in that state, and if I don't cut I'm afraid I'll be lost in it forever." The words poured out of Allie, as if she had been waiting for someone to ask her this.
"I see." Snape was highly concerned. This wasn't the usual build up of emotions that typically preceded cutting. It was a highly disturbed psychological state. "And when did you do this?" He asked, gesturing to the open cuts on her arm.
"I was starting to, go away during class, sir. I had to stay present." She looked down, ashamed.
Snape's eyes widened very slightly. "I see" He said again, not knowing what else to say.
"Please, sir. Can this stay between us?" Allie asked after a bit of a pause.
"I'm afraid not" He said softly. "Your cutting is severe, and I would not think it wise for you to go on unmonitored. You could very easily hit a vein and die, Allie. Magical cures don't work on self inflicted wounds, as you must know by now."
"Please sir, I'll be careful. I promise. I-"
"The fact that you are telling me that you'll be careful, and not that you'll stop, is a cause for concern. Do you see why I cannot keep this between us?"
"Just please don't send me to St. Mungo's" She cried desperately. Allie put her hands to her head and started rocking back and forth.
Snape surveyed this new behavior and sighed. "Have you been there before, Allie?" He asked as gently as he could.
"Yes" She said, still rocking. Her voice sounded outrageously pained. "Yes when I was younger. When they first found out about me hurting myself."
"How long have you been hurting yourself?" He asked, a crease appearing between his eyebrows.
"I don't know, I don't know! I've been this way for as long as I can remember, please just don't send me there, please sir." She was very distressed.
"Shhh, child. I won't send you to St. Mungo's, as long as we can find a way to keep you safe here, ok?" Snape tentatively reached out a hand and placed it on Allie's shoulder, which caused her to jump. "And I shall only inform the Headmaster. As is the rule." Allie nodded miserably.
Snape walked to the fireplace, and floo'd Professor Dumbledore. Allie strained to hear as Snape whispered into the flames. The Headmaster came and unfolded himself out of the now green fire, and walked over to Allie, ignoring Snape, seeming concerned at her rocking state.
"What seems to be the matter, my child?" Albus asked, kneeling before her. Albus was quite partial to Allie. Allie had worked with Albus on several projects last year, as she had an amazing aptitude for breaking logic puzzles. Together, they had laughed and grown quite close. They still had tea once a month.
Allie tried to respond, but her breath caught in her throat and she began to silently cry once again.
"Let me explain, Albus." Said Snape. Albus gave a last, studying look at Allie's down tilted face, and turned to Snape. "Allie has been experiencing some, rather disturbing psychological phenomenon, and has resorted to self harm as a way to manage this." At this Albus glanced at Allie, his lips curling into a frown. "It is my opinion that she is a great danger to herself and should not be left unmonitored. I believe she should be on the SI Alert System, linked to me primarily and you secondarily, and that she should take up residence in my quarters until her symptoms pose less of a threat to her safety."
Albus looked melancholy, "Surely... Is it that severe my dear boy?"
"Yes, Albus, she has cut just minutes ago, several of which would seem to need muggle stitches, if we hadn't closed them with butterfly bandages so soon. She has also revealed that she has been blacking out and hurting herself, so I don't feel as though her being on her own is appropriate."
Both men looked at the girl who has stopped rocking and was now staring at the door, a far away look in her eyes.
"Well then, I will get the alert bracelets, and I will ask the house elves to transfer Miss West's trunk down here." Albus said, disappearing into the fire.
Allie didn't mind that they were talking about her as if she wasn't in the room. She hardly was. She was starting to slip away again, and she knew if she didn't do something soon she would be stuck in that terrible half life that haunted her. She dug her nails, painted a dark blue, into the back of her hand. Snape noticed, and stalked over, gently grabbing her hand and holding it in his.
Albus came back. "Allie, we're going to set you up on an Alert system, ok? Severus and I will wear these bracelets here" He held up two leather bracelets. "Whenever you are harming yourself, Severus will be alerted. If he is unable to respond for whatever reason, or needs additional support, he needs only to tap his bracelet, and I shall be alerted as well."
"But professor" She said, finding her voice, "I don't want that. What I do with my body is none of your concern. Sir."
"What you want," Said Snape, his voice silky and deep, "is to destroy yourself and have those responsible for your well being do nothing about it? Well, neither of us will sit back and allow you to harm yourself without some sort of intervention. What sort of professor and headmaster would we be if we willfully allowed a student to continue actions that could very well lead to her death!"
"I appreciate your concern but..." She shook her head and gripped the arms of the chair. "I need this" She whispered, with not a small bit of shame. "I need this and I can't, please... I can't get stuck. I need to know there is a way out. Please don't stop me. I promise you I have looked for other solutions in the past. I have tried numerous spells, meditation, grounding techniques. I spent years in therapy." At this her pale cheeks gained some color. "I've tried potions. I need to do this."
"My child, you do not need this. You can find another way." Albus said warmly but strictly.
"This is not up for discussion Allie. We are your superiors and you will obey us." Snape said, harsher than he meant to. He sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Allie" He softened his voice. "I assure you we only want what is best for you. Now hold out your wrist please" He spelled one of the bracelets onto her wrist. He then spelled the other two bracelets onto his wrist and Dumbledore's. "I will show you to your chambers now. Thank you Albus."
"We are only doing what is best for you dear child. Please, take heed of this. And remember where my office is." Albus grasped her shoulder quickly with his thin fingers, as his eyes flashed a twinkle, and floo'd back up to his office.
"Come, Miss West."