She stands by the window watching the snow slowly covering the city, looking at the cars crawling one right after the other and suddenly the nervous drivers, the horns and the fast driving maniacs are gone. The city gets quieter with every new snowflake and she thinks that any time soon it will fall in a deep cold slumber.
The living room, a wide big room, decorated with expensive furniture, a white piano and a huge Christmas three is too big for her and her broken dreams. Her husband isn't there. What sort of a person is absent on Christmas Eve? What sort of a person is chasing after money on a holiday when you he's supposed to be with his family, with his beautiful young wife, getting cozy by the big fireplace…If you are a Bass junior that is probably a normal behavior. Christmas never meant anything to him, except having another excuse to get drunk, go to wild parties and wake up in a bed with a terrible headache. And maybe a girl or two wrapped around him. Girls that would leave that bed before they can even realize where they have woken up.
The dining table is covered with food and Cristal is waiting to be opened. She knows he won't make it that night. As that thought passes through her head, her phone rings. He tells her, the flight is canceled because of a snow storm and he says he doesn't know when he'll come back. Tomorrow maybe, maybe for New Year's.
There are two options – she can either get drunk by herself, something she does awfully often lately, or she can go to bed…by herself. Something she does awfully often in the past almost a year.
In moments like that she thinks…No, she knows she made the worst possible choice in her life. Her brain screams that she was supposed to finish school, she was supposed to visit Saint Petersburg, alone, in winter. She was supposed to wear a fur hat and a muff, walking down the snowy streets of the city, raiding museums, Hermitage, admiring the luxurious palace, feeling a bit like Anna Karenina…live a little…
She smiles on that though.
"You like Anna Karenina?"
"Do I?"
"Well do you?"
"I hated her when I was younger…But…"
"But what?"
"I can relate now…"
She constructs a conversation in her head with an imaginary talker…who knows books. She knows who exactly that person might be, she just refuses to let her brain go there.
Blair is fully aware that she willingly pushed away the Vronsky in her life. All she has in that moment is an absent Karenin, her youth being trapped in a huge lonely penthouse and her intellect being forced to its minimum power – skims and fake smiles.
She decides to put on her night gown and goes to bed.
...
"B?!" – Serena screams joyfully on the other side of the phone. – "Merry Christmas!"
"Ah…" – Blair removes her sleeping mask trying to wake up a little, realizing it's 5 in the morning. – "Merry Christmas" – Blair says groggily.
"How drunk are you, B?" – Serena giggles.
"I was sleeping Serena. It's 5 in the morning here…" – She mumbles.
"Oh, I'm sorry for waking you up, B" – Blair can hear water splashing and people shouting and she is rolling her eyes. She isn't sure if she is judging Serena for having parties like a careless high schooler or because she envies her. She can hear Dan's deep voice in the background and a sharp cramp in her guts literally forces her to sit up in bed. – "We are having so much fun. I mean it's so hot in here…" – Her talk is interrupted by a giggle and Blair can swear she hears a kissing sound.
"Good for you Serena. Some of us are on the other side of the country, where it's cold and snowy." – She groans.
"What?" – Serena giggles. – "You and Chuck should come over. Hawaii is really the heaven on Earth and…" – Blair can hardly hear what else she says, because it's too loud and she hangs up.
She keeps sitting in bed with a terrible feeling. She knows perfectly well that again, once again she feels deadly jealous of Serena. Blair never was the girl who knew how to have fun. She was Serena's conscious and one of them had to be the adult. But no, the jealousy isn't because Serena is surrounded by people on a beach party and she is tucked in her bed alone in New York. It's totally not because of that...
….
She isn't sure if she does a smart move. Her alone in first class with a cup of tea in her hand waiting for the plane to take off and take her to Hawaii. What if Chuck comes back in meanwhile? What is she gonna do there with Serena? She didn't even pack proper summer clothes. She will get off the plane wearing long winter coat, gloves and a scarf. She will be so disgustingly pale among all those tanned people and Serena. She will look like a lame little girl with no curves…God, again, why is she doing this to herself? Going to the beach with Serena…She already feels nausea from the thought.
After long thirteen hours of flying across the country the plane finally lands on the island. It's so weirdly warm and the blue ocean opens her tired eyes. Serena screams her name and she spots her in the crowd. Tanned, her hair is even more golden, her smile is wider and Blair knows that it's not a result of her one week vacation on the island. Serena seems happy. She helps her put her suitcaces in her rented jeep convertible and takes her to the hotel.
"You can take off that coat B, people will laugh at you" – She giggles.
"I'm fine" – Blair says flatly.
"So, Chuck?"
"We are not gonna talk about him, ok?" – Blair says. Serena notices that the wedding ring isn't on her finger.
"You will rest nicely here, and I will make you forget all your troubles" – Serena smiles. Blair wishes her life was more like hers – all rainbows and butterflies and not a problem to worry about…well at least not more than half an hour.
….
"What is she doing here?" – Dan's eyes are getting wider, once he spots Blair checking in at the reception.
"I asked her to come over" – Serena says.
"Is she alone?" – Dan tries not to sound too curious or maybe even a bit happy.
"Yes, but don't mention it in front of her. She doesn't wear the ring and…Just act normal" – Serena drifts away as usual and starts another topic. – "While she takes rest from her flight, care to join me on the beach? We'll surf on the sunset and then the three of us will have dinner!" – She puts her arms around him and smiles. All he tries is not letting his eyes wander a bit to the right where a girl with not so perfect hair and a long winter coat is checking in the hotel.
"Me? Surfing?!"- He asks. – "You know I can hardly ride a bike…"
"Oh come on, you said no yesterday and the day before yesterday. Are you avoiding me, Dan Humphrey?" – She asks with a flirty tone. Anyone else would melt on her blinking dark lashes. Dan simply looks down and gently removes her arms from his shoulders.
"No, I just have to write and I'm not that much into the beach. I'll burn and…"
"The sun is almost set and you have like ten bottles of sunscreen creams…"- She can sense something, and he knows it.
"Maybe in the evening, after you are done surfing" – He says. The moment Serena looks out through the window, his eyes are rushing to look over her shoulder. She's not there. He only spots the back of her heels as she heads to the elevators. – "You should go and catch the sunset." – He says, like a typical hypocrite boyfriend. Serena goes for a kiss but he skillfully moves his head and they end up kissing each others faces. As soon a she is gone from the hotel lobby, he runs up stairs, jumping over two-three steps and gets to the first floor where he frantically presses the elevator button. He doesn't stay longer than a second and runs another story up and does the same thing. This time the doors open. She is behind the lift boy, too busy typing something on her phone. When the lift boy asks him which floor he goes, he doesn't know what say and just blurts out "The eighth". Several times he turns around but Blair is too focused on that goddamn phone and she has probably no idea that he is there. When the elevator stops on the sixth floor, the lift boy informs Blair and helps her with her bags.
"It's ok!" – Dan says and shoves a bill of 50$ in his hand. – "It's ok". – The guy makes a surprised face and mumbles a thank you, goes back in the elevator and doors are closing again.
Blair rolls her eyes and Dan pushes her suitcases to the end of the hallway where her room is.
"Another failed writer making money as a bell boy? Humphrey I'm not giving you a tip!" – She snaps as he opens the door from her room.
"What are you doing here?" – He asks.
"My friend invited me and I came over."
"Where is your husband?"
"As you can see he's not here!" She gets in her room and closes the door to the middle.
"So much from the happy ending?" –Dan asks, but there isn't irony or judgment in his voice.
"I'm not in the mood Humphrey. Gloat all you want, I still despise you." – She closes the door into his face. He stands there for few moments like an idiot and then rushes to his room and starts typing.
….
It's twilight when he goes to the beach around nine. There is no sign of Serena and he doesn't even bother to look for her. He sits on the sand and stares at the dark water. The sound of the waves is helping him calm the voices in his head and the disturbing feeling that he shouldn't be there with Serena and her new friends, among the tanned people with great bodies whose taste in literature and movies means reading sugary 100 page novels or watch semi-scary movies with vampires and lifeless mortal girls.
He can feel her still living inside of him. He narrows his eyes and gives arrogant comments when he hears stupidity coming out of these people's mouths. "Be nice" is all Serena has to say.
"You are fucking glowing in the night, Humphrey" – She says and collapses next to him, crossing her legs in a so not lady like and not Blair like manner.
"And you smell like Whiskey"- He says.
"So?"
"And how am I glowing?"- He asks.
"You are so goddamn pale, I can tell you are from New York" – She is serious.
"Yeah…you too"
"Hey…I just heard that song from them…" – She starts to hum a melody – "...Ooh, ooh the sweetest thing..."
"You sound terrible and I didn't mean the band."
"I know what you meant Brooklyn" – She snaps sharply. – "Do you like it here?" – She asks.
"Yeah, it's nice and warm and calm and…"
"Humphrey!" – She cuts him and he stops. – "It's terrible and you don't have to pretend. How can a book worm and a pretentious little intellectual snob like you enjoy the sun and the beach parties? I can only assume what the rich bastards from California that use "like" and "totally" after every word, are causing to your brain." – He smiles in disbelief and looks away.
"Yeah, you're right"- He sighs. – "In a weird masochistic way, I like that you're here."
"Did she notice?" –She skips a comment on his last sentence.
"Kind of..."
"God, you are such an idiot."- She giggles.
"I won't ask why…"
"I'll say it anyway, you know that" – She cleans her throat. - "First of all. I don't care how much of your inner high school brat is craving Serena, you and her will always be two different worlds. Second of all. If you tell me that you didn't have at least one judgmental thought about all this…" – she points to the beach and the hotels in the back – "…I will punch your stupid face. And third…" – He just bites his lips and smiles. – "…I know it's motherfucking Serena van der Woodsen we talk about, but you were in lov….cared about me till like a month ago" – She stops and takes a little Whiskey bottle from her purse and drinks it.
"Who says I'm not…don't care about you now?"
"I gotta go" – She tries to stand on her feet, holding her hand on his shoulder, trying to keep her balance.
"You know everything I told you was true. Where is he now? Dubai? Tokyo?"
"He might be at home as well…" – She replies from few steps afar. – "It's none of your business. Where is your precious blond?" – She comes back to him and kneels besides him. – "I'm here to rest. Not to be bothered with questions or philosophical conversations. To rest! And I don't care if you still care about me. You will always be disgusting for me. I loved Nate, but once Serena touches someone I care about, he becomes the filthiest piece of shit for life." – She lifts and leaves him.
He remains sitting there with her words floating in his head. Serena doesn't show up. He still doesn't try to find her. Around ten he goes back to the hotel bar and drinks everything that comes to the bartender's hand. At midnight he is in the elevator pressing drunkenly the button 6. It seems like the elevator is miles away from her room. He knocks and knocks on it but nobody opens it.
"You sleep in hallways now, Humphrey?" – She nudges him with her foot. He opens his eyes are realizes he fell asleep in front of her hotel room door.
"Where were you?" – He asks barely connecting the words.
"Out. I drank" – She says and sits next to him.
"Me too"- He smiles. – "We have so much in common."
"I think we defined that crap. You and I have nothing in common, remember?"
"No, you and I have everything in common. You are pale, I'm pale. You're judgmental, I'm judgmental. You're a bitch, I'm a bitch."
"You love Serena, I love Serena" – She giggles.
"No, no, no…I don't love Serena. I love Blair. Waldorf." – He bursts in laughter. – "But you don't love Blair. Waldorf. If you did, you'd have never ran after Fuck Bass" – At first she gives him a stinky eye and then they both burst into hysterical laugh.
"Fuck Bass" – She giggles a bit louder than she should. – "You are an idiot Dan"
"Dan?" – He gets serious the same second.
"Randolph then? It is more suitable to be in a same sentence with "idiot", don't you think?" – She keeps giggling. He just stares at her with his glossy big brown eyes and with every blink her laugh fades away.
"I can't remember when was the last time I saw you smiling"
"I smiled back then…" – She says and looks away.
They keep sitting in front of her door, her staring down the hall and him blinking heavily until his head drops on her shoulder.
"Ew, creature! You're breaking my arm" – She nudges and his head falls on her chest and then in her lap. He moves a bit to adjust his body and doesn't move away.
"You know, Serena has a new best friend here. Melody. " – He starts. – "Are you rolling your eyes?" – He asks.
"Of course I do" – She smiles and runs her fingers into the mess of his curls. – "What about Melody?"
"Her skin is orange from fake tanning and I swear I heard her recommending a book to Serena." – He says.
"Should I prepare for the title?" – Blair asks.
"Inside" – He sighs. – "Do you know what she said, and I quote: "This idiot Dylan, goes after some ugly semi-smart self proclaimed intellectual, when he has a gorgeous blond in front of him. The writer is so gay and doesn't understand women."
"Do you think I should be insulted by a fake tanned female who actually likes your post adolescent diary?"
"No. When Serena heard that she instantly liked her. I don't know if I should thank her for taking Serena away so I can be…"
"Grumpy and moody and annoying?" – Blair finishes for him.
"Yes."
A concierge walks their way and asks them to get in their room, apparently other guests complained on their loud conversation and laughing. With every atom he tries to get on his feet. She is already standing in front of the door.
"I…am…not…happy!" – He pokes her shoulder with every word he pronounces. – "I am…not…happy at all…"
"Maybe you should kill yourself?" – She smiles with semi closed drunken eyes.
"Maybe you should. Because you aren't either..." – He replies and Blair sighs and rolls her eyes.
"Go to your room, you poor creature. Make love to your Barbie, it'll pass you till tomorrow!" – She tries to close the door but he puts his hand on it and leans in.
"You were, you are and you will remain a bitch." – He whispers.
"Thanks"- She whispers with a smile on her face, trying to close the door again.
"But I'm still in love with you. And…"
"Good Humphrey, now move away so I can close the door"- She pushes him and closes the door again.
A minute later she opens it and he is still there.
"Why?" – She asks.
"Because you just don't fall out of love with Blair Waldorf."
"No shit?"
"No." – He answers. – "I don't want my life to be like this. I want you. You!" – He pokes he shoulder again and she doesn't try to close the door this time.
"What if I don't want you?"- She asks.
"Are you happy with Chuck?"
"In a way"
"There are no ways, Blair. You either are or you aren't. Do you go to the movies? Is he interested to hear your long monologues about how annoying Bukowski was? Does he admire your intellectual side of the brain, or he buys your silence with diamonds or kisses whenever you want to tell him about an exhibition or a hipster movie theater where you can watch film noir?"
Blair slaps him and he closes his eyes.
"You are a scumbag Humphrey!"
"And you are not happy! Say it!" – He replies holding the place where her little palm leaved rosy print. She squeezes her lips trying to shut her words coming out of them. – "Say it! Your eyes are sadder than ever. You look miserable just as me! You…"
"I'M NOT HAPPY!" – She practically screams. Her words are sobering up them both. He steps closer, cups her face and rests his forehead on hers. They breathe in synch as she puts her hands over his. – "I'm really not happy at all" – She whispers again.
"Me too"- He replies. He doesn't do anything, just presses his forehead on hers, eyes closed, both holding on each other.
"I can not believe this!" – Serena's voice awakes them from the trance.
tbc