Disclaimer: I do not own DN Angel or anything associated with it
A Pondering Heart At A Piano
The boy let his fingers stray along the keys of the piano, giving his thoughts the same rein of freedom. He consciously felt them wandering in some small part of his mind but surrendered to the oblivious feeling that engulfed him when he played. Watching the rain trickling down the window instead of his long, slender fingers he allowed himself to drift away from the constraints of his body – the constraints of his life.
The piano was his only outlet for any feeling. He was not vain enough to think he could pour out his feelings onto paper without someone finding it eventually. And he feared those whose hands it would fall into. For one reckless moment he had supposed he would paint but he had only looked at his hands in disgust, knowing the chaos they could cause. This left him only with his secret indulgence – a white grand piano he had found in an old second hand store.
It was still in beautiful condition, becoming the serene centre piece of his living room despite its position in the corner. One could not help their eyes from being drawn to it. That is, if anyone had ever seen it. Krad, of course, was the only one who knew. He was the only one that knew everything. Satoshi stopped playing for a moment as his mind rested on this thought. The last note he played lingered in the air and his brow creased as he thought of all the things Krad knew. His finger fell to the next note of the song and the thought drifted on to join the rest of the discarded thoughts that lay around the piano.
He wished that someone else knew him. He wished sometimes that everyone knew him but that thought would always be quickly pushed aside in repulsion. There was only one person who he really wanted to understand him. Someone who, unlike Krad, would not use their understanding of his weaknesses to further torment and torture him.
"Don't you enjoy my torturing you, my dear Satoshi-sama?" this voice that crept like fog would always invade his mind while he was at the piano. It was Krad's favourite time to persecute Satoshi for the thoughts flowing through his mind.
"You, Krad, are the only thing alive that enjoys being tortured." The boy did not want to be drawn in to this argument for the hundredth time but could not resist defying the homicidal maniac that inhabited him – his will was not crushed though sometimes after particularly difficult and sleepless nights in pain he began to believe it.
"Then why do you torture yourself, dear tamer?" Satoshi could see Krad's almost invisible form leaning contently against the piano, watching him with those eyes. He looked back down to the keys.
"I don't," he replied stoically, focusing on the piece of music in front of his eyes, trying in vain to ignore the flowing blonde tendrils that fell over it.
"Oh, but you do. And so needlessly too. Separating yourself from all human contact and living this pathetic life," Krad indicated the sparse living room and whitewashed walls around him. Satoshi followed the movement with his eyes, letting them rest on the piles of paper on the table and the pictures of Dark and various artworks pinned to the walls.
Krad turned fluidly to face Satoshi, bringing his face too close to his tamers, "I would call that self-inflicted torture."
"You know everything about me yet you're still too dim-witted to comprehend," Satoshi sneered at the demonic angel that was, though he would deny it, his, seemingly forever.
Krad looked rather annoyed at this, "Comprehend what?"
"That this is not self-inflicted."
"It is."
"It's not, Krad. It's your fault. Your fault and my father's."
"You are the one who moved away from your father, Satoshi. He only wanted to love you." Krad taunted.
"He did not! … You know he didn't."
"You moved away from your father, and at school you move away from friends. You want to be loved so badly Satoshi-sama but you let no one love you."
The boy remained defiantly silent, his eyes flashing. His fingers continued mechanically without him when he was playing usually, but they stumbled violently across the notes.
"Why not let those stupid girls who worship you, love you? Why not let your friends love you? Why not let your father love you?"
"Because they don't love … me. They love something else – the image I project."
"Then let me love you Satoshi…I'm the only one who knows you. I'm the only one who knows the real you, cares for the real you." Krad's arms wrapped around Satoshi, the touch of Krad's mind against his only light as a feather but to Satoshi it felt like a vice.
"Let go, Krad."
"See … self-inflicted misery."
"Allowing you to love me would be self-inflicted misery." Satoshi allowed himself a small smirk.
"Humour? My, my… that boy is really changing you."
"What do you mean, Krad?"
"The Niwa boy has had an influence on you lately. I do not like it. He is changing you, my Satoshi."
"I'm not yours, Krad, and he hasn't changed me."
Krad paused, eyeing his Satoshi carefully. "But I suppose people change in love."
"…what?"
The angel stood up in a leisurely manner, wandering over to the window to watch the grey sky drift overhead, carrying the rain with it before turning back to his now furious tamer. He thought of how his Satoshi's eyes turned such a beautiful deep blue when he stared at him with such loathing.
"It is really quite simple for someone of your intelligence to … comprehend. You love the Niwa boy." Krad looked up from under long lashes maliciously to watch the shock seize his tamer's pale face before it quickly regained its dignified composure.
"No. You are mistaken Krad. He is simply a friend."
"Really? Is that why your always protecting him? Why you fail your father and never arrest him? Because he is your…friend," Krad spat the word at him.
"You wouldn't understand friendship, would you now?"
"Perhaps not. But I know that you love him. I know that you can't stand to be near him for fear that I will come out. You know I want to kill him…slowly. Watch him, and that bastard Dark die slowly."
"No! I can't let you do that!"
"You love him and yet constantly reject him. Your ultimate act of self-inflicted torture."
"I don't love him, and even if I did, couldn't."
"But you do love him."
"I don't!"
"It's true."
"It's not!" Satoshi yelled aloud, the piano stool crashing down behind him as he stood swiftly, his hands brought down hard upon the keys. Krad merely smirked and faded back into Satoshi's mind.
Breathing hard, Satoshi closed his eyes. He listened to the sound of the rain pouring down mingling with the beating of his heart, the echo of the fallen chair and the off-beat ticking of the clock. The discordant music filled the room, reverberating off the walls. Nothing matched, nothing flowed, nothing connected. He didn't understand. He closed his eyes tighter, warding off the images of his red-headed friend. Did he love Daisuke?
No. He couldn't. His sworn enemy and friend, Daisuke Niwa was the person to whom his thoughts always returned whilst playing. Daisuke was the only enigma Satoshi had ever encountered. Satoshi was a boy genius; he could figure everything and everyone, including Dark, out. But Daisuke… Satoshi could have captured Dark long ago, he knew how, but it was always Dark's counterpart who stopped Satoshi at the last moment.
Satoshi could feel Krad smirking in the back of his mind as he slowly picked up the chair. He knew Krad had not done this as a kind favour to hold up a mirror to Satoshi's feelings – he had figured out his feelings to Daisuke awhile back – but brought them back to torment Satoshi. Krad knew that Satoshi would never tell Daisuke, he would not risk ruining their friendship or Daisuke's happiness with Riku.
The boy returned to sitting in front of the piano, this time with his head buried in his hands. Why did Krad always have to bring this problem back to him? He knew he loved Daisuke more than anything. Daisuke was the only person that made him feel human and he cared for the boy to the extent that he wouldn't even complete his job as Commander of the Police. To everyone else he was the slightly strange but cool kid, who everyone adored but no one cared for.
He looked through his fingers to the window. Sometimes he wished he could cry, but he had gotten over that long ago. He'd shed too many tears to think that they were necessary now. Worse things could happen. Satoshi knew that the only time he would ever cry again would be when his soul had been worn down enough for Krad to seriously take over and kill Dark during a fight. Until then, he would remain as he always had been – cold and distant, leaving his true feelings to be expressed through a piano.
"Pathetic…" Krad's voice seemed far away and Satoshi simply ignored it. He almost didn't hear the doorbell when it rang. Satoshi didn't even wonder about who might have come to his apartment, instead he just woodenly stood up and went to answer it.
"Hello, Hiwatari-kun!" a smiling red-head on his doorstep was probably the last thing Satoshi needed to see when he opened the door.
"Hello, Niwa-kun," he replied, his usual stoic personality slowly taking control again as Satoshi surrendered himself to his other cold self.
"I was just…I just…" Daisuke looked away from the other boy's piercing blue gaze to the doorstep, fumbling for words.
"Yes, Niwa-kun?" Satoshi gazed down at the younger boy, now beginning to really take an interest in why his friend was here.
"You weren't at school today," he finally said, regaining his smile.
"I know. It's raining," was his friend's simple reply. Daisuke was rather taken aback.
"Ah, well, I just wanted to check if you were okay," the boy smiled, turning to go.
"You're soaking wet." It was difficult to discern whether Satoshi was concerned or simply stating the blinding obvious – as he had a habit of doing in Daisuke's presence.
"I know," Daisuke smiled mischievously, "It's raining."
Satoshi simply raised an eyebrow quizzically at having his own answer turned on him and stepped aside, allowing his hesitant friend to come in.
Daisuke had never been in Satoshi's apartment before and could not even imagine what it might look like.
"I bet you creepy boy has pictures of me everywhere," Dark helpfully stated, "He's stalking me… I just know it!"
"Dark, his job is to catch you. I don't think that's really stalking," Daisuke took a much more practical approach to things than his counterpart. As they followed Satoshi into the living room Dark celebrated his victory at having pictures of himself on Satoshi's walls by dancing in Daisuke's head – much to Daisuke's amusement.
"Wait here, I'll get you a towel." And with that Satoshi disappeared into another room. Daisuke stood and waited, dripping wet and observing Satoshi's living room. Dark was right about the pictures, but alongside them on the wall were pictures of artworks, blueprints of museums and supposed 'traps'. Sometimes Daisuke wondered why Satoshi hadn't captured Dark yet – he was obviously capable of it.
There were two couches and a coffee table strewn with more paper that bore the stamp of the Azumo Police. A laptop sat on the table amongst this clutter. Despite the mess of the papers, the rest of the room was rather sparse – it adjoined the kitchen through an archway built into a wall and contained a table and chairs but apart from that there was nothing. Until Daisuke turned to see the piano, lit up by the large windows that covered the wall overlooking the street.
"You can put your bag down if you like," Satoshi's voice drifted in from somewhere beyond Daisuke's view. He followed the advice, placing his bag carefully against the wall.
"Hiwatari-kun, I never knew you owned a piano," Daisuke called to his friend who was now emerging with a towel. Satoshi said something quietly that Daisuke couldn't quite hear before he handed him the towel.
"You wouldn't want to catch a cold," looking down at the boy almost fondly Daisuke thought. But then Satoshi quickly looked away to the kitchen and Daisuke realised he must have been mistaken. How could Satoshi ever care for anyone, especially him? Before being drawn into his thoughts too much he realised Satoshi was still talking to him.
"What, sorry?" Satoshi almost smiled at the dazed look on his friends face.
"I said, would you like a hot chocolate?"
"Really?" Daisuke's face lit up from under the towel he was using to dry his hair.
"I'll take that as a yes. You can sit down if you like," Satoshi moved off to the kitchen, leaving Daisuke staring at the white piano. Going over to it he ran his fingers over the keys softly. The piece sitting atop the piano was Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
"Wouldn't you think with all that talent he would like, paint or something?" Dark once again piped up in the back of Daisuke's mind.
"Everyone has their own talent, Dark."
"He's probably not even very good," Dark looked disparagingly at the music.
"How would you know Dark!? He might be really good!" Daisuke came to his friend's defence.
"Ooooh, getting all defensive are we now? Of our special friend?" Dark taunted.
"Da-ark! I'm not going through this conversation again. Go to sleep or something!" the young boy pleaded with his companion.
"Fine, but don't look now," Dark said, retreating further into Daisuke's mind. Puzzled, Daisuke looked up and realised that Satoshi was standing in front of him, staring at him with a mug in each hand.
"Er…" Daisuke flushed bright red, wondering how long Satoshi had been staring at him. Satoshi just silently handed him a mug of hot chocolate, Daisuke almost pulling back at the small physical contact that created. Satoshi sat down on the couch looking deliberately into his mug.
"I…I didn't know you owned a piano. It's very beautiful," Daisuke finally managed to say, after struggling to find something to talk about.
"Thank you," Satoshi didn't look up. He couldn't bring himself to look at the adorable boy who now seated himself across from Satoshi on the other couch, careful moving the papers to the side.
Awkward silence was what had always existed between them, but somehow neither of them ever seemed to mind. In fact, they sought each other out – just as Daisuke had sought out Satoshi after school - even though they knew it would end this way. They never really needed to find each other but still always needed each other.
Cautiously, Daisuke looked up from the papers on the table that he had been studying.
"Hiw-…Satoshi-kun?" he asked hesitantly, testing the name of his friend. As he expected, Satoshi looked up with the smallest amount of shock and uncertainty showing on his face. It was quickly replaced by stoic indifference as he looked away again.
"Yes, … Daisuke-kun." Daisuke beamed at the use of his first name.
"Will you play for me?" his happiness shone through his entire being, and Satoshi could not help but feel its effect on him. The effect Daisuke's real happiness always had.
Satoshi returned his friend's smile, "Of course."
AN: It's kind of long, sorry. It wasn't meant to be but I can't help myself when I write about Satoshi and Daisuke. Heh. Wow, actually this is really long. .:sweatdrops:. I hope you enjoyed it though. Friendship or more? – interpret it how you like. I said before I might continue this, but have decided it ends nicely there.