I forgot where the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any X-Men characters goes! Guess which movie I just saw? And of course it inspired me to do this! In case you haven't figured it out, there are spoilers in here. So if you don't want to know, don't read. If you do, go on! Read!
Brotherhood Goes To The Movies Again
"Hello everyone in Movie Watching Land!" Pietro waved as he and the Brotherhood were sitting in a movie theater. "Here we are again with another episode of Brotherhood Sneaking in The Movies! Today is a very special episode! We finally review the hottest mutant themed action movie of the year!"
"Ghosts of Girlfriends Past?" Fred asked. "Okay I know that Matthew McConaughey can be a little weird sometimes but I wouldn't call him a mutant."
"No, you moron!" Pietro snapped. "I'm talking about X-Men Origins: Wolverine!"
"Oh that one," Fred nodded.
"How can you forget?" Lance asked. "You're in the movie!"
"Oh right," Fred realized. "And I get to knock Wolverine across a room! That was cool!"
"Yes viewers we all learn the true origins of everyone's favorite clawed Canadian Cash Cow for Marvel," Pietro smirked. "That and what really happened at Three Mile Island."
"Oh come on, everyone knows that's not what really happened at Three Mile Island!" Pyro waved. "The writers were just taking liberties with that event!"
"For once Pyro you're the voice of reason," Lance blinked. "And that's scary."
"Everyone knows that Three Mile Island happened because it was a failed attempt by the pineapples to try and irradiate the planet," Pyro said. "It was a twofold plan. Poison the humans and get a pineapple army to grow to the size of the Empire State Building."
"Now my world makes sense again," Lance nodded.
"Didn't work though," Pyro shrugged. "A cleaning lady and President Jimmy Carter got nuked instead and grew pretty big. Fortunately they were able to reverse the effects before Jimmy got a chance to leave his wife and a major scandal hit the White House."
"Pyro that last part wasn't….It was just a sketch from an early episode of Saturday Night Live!" Wanda fumed.
"Well where do you think they got the idea from?" Pyro gave her a look.
"Can we get out of Pyro's land of make believe and get back into something slightly more plausible?" Wanda asked. "Like the movie!"
"Now even though this movie was about an X-Man there were a lot of good things about it," Lance said. "It had a lot of action."
"It had Hugh Jackman with his shirt off," Wanda added.
"A lot of cool fights," Todd said.
"Hugh Jackman with his shirt off," Wanda remarked.
"Some really cool cameos and a lot of great actors in the film," Fred said.
"Hugh Jackman naked," Wanda smirked.
"There were a lot of great fires and explosions!" Pyro said enthusiastically.
"Did I mention Hugh Jackman was naked and had his shirt off a lot?" Wanda asked.
"Yeah Wanda, we heard…" Pietro groaned. "And we're going to be hearing about this for a long time."
"And now it's time for our special guest star," Todd said. "One of the stars of the movie: Sabertooth!"
Sabertooth walked in and sat down. "All right, let's get this over with. The sooner we finish this, the sooner I can go find Wolverine and kick his ass for getting all this freaking attention."
"How did you get him to go on our show?" Pietro asked.
"Let's just say we made a deal," Todd told him. "So Sabertooth. This is something that everyone wants to know. You and Wolverine. Are you guys really half brothers?"
"Yes, we are, but I'm not going into the details…" Sabertooth grunted. "Let's just say the movie isn't that far off from real life."
"It's not?" Wanda asked.
"Well obviously they took a few liberties in the movie," Sabertooth said. "For example, in real life Emma Frost is not related to that Kayla Silverfox babe. She has sisters but none of them are named Kayla. And let me tell you something, those witches are even worse than she is if you can believe it!"
"We'll take your word for it," Todd blinked.
"I'm telling ya, none of Emma's sisters would make a deal to help her cross the street, let alone get out of a mutant prison," Sabertooth snorted. "That's one thing they got wrong."
"What else did they get wrong?" Lance asked.
"That Stryker guy in charge of Weapon X," Sabertooth snorted. "He was never in charge of that! It was some other guy who I am not at liberty to say. But trust me, it wasn't Stryker!"
"Okay classified, we can dig that," Todd said.
"There was a Silver Fox and I did fake her death so Wolverine would go nuts and fight me but not for the reasons in the film," Sabertooth shrugged. "It's another one of those classified things. And obviously we didn't meet Gambit or the Blob until years later. But we did work with a guy named Deadpool but I won't say anything more about that."
"That's classified too huh?" Lance asked.
"Nope," Sabertooth snorted. "Just don't want to talk about the annoying little twit."
"Oh," Lance blinked.
"Trust me, that Reynolds guy that played Deadpool was a lot more sedate than the real thing," Sabertooth snorted. "Even with his mouth sewn up! Doesn't stop him. Although God knows I've tried. A lot of people have tried. More than once."
"But you guys did fight in a lot of wars over the centuries," Lance asked.
"Oh yeah that part is true," Sabertooth nodded. "If there was a war after 1875 we fought in it. Well except for Grenada. I had a date that weekend. But other than that…"
"Hold on guys," Wanda interrupted. "Are you sure we should be doing this? I mean telling all of Wolverine's secret past on TV?"
"You mean it's like Jerry Springer without the audience?" Pyro asked.
"No, I mean this news might upset him," Wanda gave him a look.
"So?" Fred asked.
"And then he'll get upset at us," Wanda gave him a look.
"Oh right," Fred blinked.
"HA! This isn't exactly the first time I've gone and spilled the beans about his past," Sabertooth said. "Unfortunately Wolverine has two strikes against him: A lack of attention to TV schedules and the memory retention of a goldfish when it comes to his past. Don't worry, he won't figure it out."
"So you've found that it's more fun to taunt him about a past that everyone else in the world knows about except for him?" Pietro asked.
"Bingo," Sabertooth nodded.
"Aren't you worried that someone is gonna tell him?" Pyro asked.
"Would you tell that metal clawed moron that the two of us are related?" Sabertooth gave him a look. "Keep in mind this is the same guy who pops his claws out if his coffee ain't hot enough!"
"Uh no," Wanda said. "I would not say anything."
"I don't think so," Pyro gulped.
"Not me," Fred shook his head.
"Not a word. Even I'm not that fast," Pietro gulped.
"No way," Lance said.
"Good point," Todd agreed.
"But after seeing this movie you can kind of get my point on why I'm so ticked off at the guy!" Sabertooth grumbled. "I mean, he kills my father. That did happen! But do I take revenge on him? No! I play the loving brother and look after the little runt for nearly a century! I fed and clothed him! I stole and killed for him! I lost count of all the times I had to drag his sorry butt out of trouble! I even got him his first hooker and let me tell you, she wasn't cheap! And how does he repay me? He stabs me in the back, walks away from me and steals my last name! That's how!"
"You got him his first hooker?" Pyro's jaw dropped. "Can you get me one?"
"Excuse me a moment," Wanda let out a sigh. She then hexed Pyro into a wall.
"WHOAAA! OW!" Pyro screamed. "Ooh look at the pretty stars…"
"You were saying?" Wanda asked.
"I don't know where people get off saying I want to kill Wolverine," Sabertooth growled. "He's my brother. I don't want to kill him. I just want to beat the crap out of him! I mean, we both have the same healing factor! It's almost impossible for us to kill each other! Come on!"
"Well…" Pietro began.
"Okay once!" Sabertooth admitted. "Once I said I wanted to kill him. Well two…three times. Okay it was more like ten. Fifteen, twenty tops! But never really meant it! Most of the time."
"Uh huh…" Todd said.
"You know the thing that really grinds my gears is his holier than thou attitude!" Sabertooth snapped. "He walks away from me because I'm too bloodthirsty? Give me a break! Like he hasn't done some stuff. Kids I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl! Like the time we ended up at this goat farm. There was so much blood and goat fur everywhere I had to…"
"Uh Sabertooth I hate to interrupt but this station only lets us have so much airtime because we were short on cash this week," Pietro said. "But you can tell us that story later if you want."
"As cool as this movie was there were a few things that bothered us," Todd said. "And we'd like to address them now. First of all, Why was I not in it?"
"You were in the first one!" Fred told him. "It's my turn for the spotlight now, deal with it!"
"Hold on Toad you were in this one!" Lance said. "You were that green kid on the island!"
"Oh right," Todd blinked. "Okay now I have a new question, why wasn't my part bigger?"
"Here's my question: When do I get paid?" Sabertooth asked. "I am getting paid for this right?"
"My main problem with this movie is why did they have to put Cyclops in it?" Lance asked. "I mean seriously, why? He had nothing to do with Wolverine in any of the comics until he got to the Institute! But there he is right onscreen!"
"And people say I'm obsessed," Sabertooth grumbled.
"Out of all the hundreds of mutants they could have put in that movie they chose to throw in Cyclops?" Lance went on. "They couldn't put in anybody else? Didn't matter if it was a different actor! It was still him! What did Cyclops have some kind of clause in his contract saying that he had to be in every X-Men movie or what?"
"You gotta admit there are some similarities," Wanda said to Sabertooth who shrugged in agreement.
"You think you'd have seen the last of him in The Last Stand," Lance added. "But there he is again, Son of Dorkenstein! Just pops up to annoy you when you least expect it!"
"At least he got beaten up a little," Todd told him.
"It's not the same," Lance grumbled.
"Actually Lance does have a point," Pietro said. "Why did they put Cyclops in that movie when they could have had me?"
"I think you just answered your own question," Wanda gave him a look. "Now that I think about it, Cyclops is definitely the lesser of two evils!"
"Three if you count Wart Boy over there," Sabertooth pointed at Todd.
"Wait a minute, didn't they show some kind of speed kid strapped up for about a second?" Todd asked.
"Look whoever it was may have had the same powers I do but that was not me!" Pietro huffed.
"He's right," Lance said. "If it was him he'd have run off to save himself the second he got cut loose."
"Yeah and he'd dump all his little prison pals behind him," Todd nodded. "Like he did to us!"
"How much longer are you all going to be gnawing on that bone?" Pietro snapped.
"A long, long time!" Fred glared at him. "I did time for you pal!"
"You were in Area 51 for a day!" Pietro said.
"Still time," Fred told him. "Especially when you're encased in that green stasis stuff!"
"I said I was sorry," Pietro huffed.
"After we beat the crap out of you!" Todd snapped.
"Speaking of the crap being beaten out of someone, I wanna address the adamantium bullet erasing memory thing," Sabertooth raised his hand. "Even though it stings like hell, it doesn't work. Trust me on this. Now having the metal originally bonded to the skeleton and giving the whole system a shock, that's another story. But uh six or seven stupid bullets to the head wouldn't do it."
"Wouldn't it not do much damage anyway?" Todd scratched his head. "I mean Wolverine's skull is thick with adamantium. So logically…"
"I know what you're saying," Sabertooth nodded. "Adamantium could scratch adamantium but even a bullet fired at a high speed wouldn't do that much damage. Unless of course the bullet was the size of a nuclear warhead. Then things would be different."
"You know what also bugs me?" Pietro said. "In the movie Xavier comes to the island to rescue the kids but he doesn't even go looking for Wolverine? I mean with his powers and if he was still buddies with Magneto he should have been able to find him easily!"
"Yeah! So logically if Xavier was there he would have known about Wolverine in the first movie," Fred frowned.
"Which also means if he knew he was just using Wolverine in that first movie in order to get him to join the team," Pietro grinned. "I wonder if that's what our Xavier is doing?"
"Wouldn't surprise me," Sabertooth snorted. "I've heard a few stories about Baldy too."
"Oooh! Stories! I love stories!" A man in a red and black uniform with a red and black mask on is face appeared. "Ooh! Tell me about the three severed heads and the nun wearing a cheerleader's outfit!"
"Mister Deadpool I presume?" Lance asked.
"Right o' rooney!" Deadpool said cheerfully. "That's my name. Don't scream too much when I shoot everything!"
"Great! As if we weren't stocked up enough on crazy," Pietro indicated Pyro.
"I resemble that remark," Pyro said.
"What are you doing here you freak?" Sabertooth snapped.
"I just wanted to ask you guys if there might be any truth to the rumor that they're gonna make a movie about me?" Deadpool chuckled. "Oh wait, there is!"
"How can they make a movie about you when you're dead?" Todd asked. "You got your head cut off in the movie!"
"Yeah but I think it grew back or something in the end credits," Deadpool said. "At least I think it did. Did anybody see the end credits? I didn't get a chance because those ushers were so uptight about me having a couple of swords and guns in the theater!"
"Actually we didn't see the end credits either," Lance frowned.
"Yeah they ran kind of long and we drank a lot of water and soda and stuff," Fred frowned. "We really had to go."
"Too bad you're not Sabertooth here," Deadpool snickered. "You could have just used the litter box."
"I warned you about your mouth last time Wilson!" Sabertooth stood up and bared his claws. "You want me to give you a few more scars!"
"Aww, is little Sabey still mad because baby brother got the adamantium skeleton and claws he wanted for Christmas?" Deadpool mocked.
"Shut up!" Sabertooth snapped. "That little runt always got everything! He got the good toys when we were kids! He got the love and attention while I got crap! And when he grew up it didn't stop! Even though I was the older brother, he got everything before me!"
"He has issues," Deadpool said.
"Yeah! Especially with your mouth!" Sabertooth lunged.
"Missed me! Missed Me!" Deadpool laughed as he leapfrogged over him. "Now you gotta kiss me!"
"Kiss this you little…" Sabertooth roared as he attacked.
Deadpool laughed and jumped around shooting his weapons. "Boom Baby! I'm talking sequel here!"
"Duck!" Pietro screamed like a girl and ran around.
"Freaking…" Wanda ducked and yelled. "Watch it you maniacs!" She shot out hex bolts and Lance started to use his powers.
"Uh, we'll be right back," Todd told the camera. Then pieces of ceiling began to fall down on him. "Or not! Guys! You're gonna bring this whole place down!"
"GOOD!" Sabertooth roared.
"Here comes Mister Flickers!" Pyro whipped out his flame throwers.
"All right! We warned you maniacs what would happen if you showed up at our theater again!" Some teenage ushers shouted. "TAKE THIS!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Since when do ushers throw grenades?" Pietro screamed as he dodged the debris.
"Since the Blob cleaned out the concession stand the last time we were here!" Lance groaned.
"Sorry about that guys," Fred groaned.
"Get 'me Mister Flickers!" Pyro cackled.
"RARRRRR!"
"AAAHHHHH!" The ushers ran for their lives from the fire dragon. Then they ran the other way from Sabertooth.
"TOAD! NEXT TIME WE DO THIS NO MORE GUEST STARS!" Wanda screamed as she ran from Deadpool. "REPEAT! NO MORE GUEST STARS!"
Hank and Xavier were watching the show on a television set in the living room. Their mouths were almost wide open when Logan walked in. "Hey guys, what are you watching?"
"Nothing!" Hank quickly shut it off. "Not a thing!"
"There's nothing good on," Xavier said quickly. "It's pretty dull actually."
"Very dull," Hank added. "Really the quality of television programming has greatly declined over the years."
"It's a shame isn't it?" Xavier said. "Just not that many well written shows anymore."
"Damn shame," Hank nodded.
Logan gave them a look. "I know what's going on."
"You do?" Hank gulped.
"Yeah I do. Don't try to lie to me. I know exactly what you were watching," Logan said.
"Logan now let's not…" Xavier began.
"You two unscrambled one of those adult movie channels again didn't you?" Logan gave them a look. "Every time those kids get out of the house overnight you do this."
"Uh…" Xavier began.
"You caught us," Hank said. "That is exactly what we were watching."
"Look I don't care what you guys watch," Logan said. "I don't think it's a big deal and I get why you don't want anyone else to know. Just remember when you finish to block that channel again. The last time you forgot and Multiple started asking me some very weird question. I am not going through that again!"
"Oh, right…" Xavier coughed. "We won't forget this time."
"I mean it Charles," Logan warned. "Next time you explain to Multiple why a cowboy was wearing a saddle in a movie without any horses!" He walked off.
"That was close," Xavier breathed a sigh of relief.
"You're not going to tell him are you?" Hank gave Xavier a look.
"Do you want to tell him?" Xavier asked.
"Nooooooooooooooo…" Hank shook his head. "Oh no, no, no…"
"I didn't see this if you didn't see this," Xavier said.
"See what?" Hank asked innocently.