Storytime with GLaDOS
Indiana
Characters: Caroline, GLaDOS
Setting: Pre-Portal
Caroline was having doubts about this plan.
"You're going to have to do it, they said," she muttered to herself as she stormed through the hallways of Aperture Science. "You may as well bond with her, they said."
Bond with a two-ton supercomputer that had been imbued with all of the world's knowledge. Sure. That made sense. She had to admit, there was a grain of truth in what they'd said, something to do with psychology and making it easier on both of them when 'the event' finally happened. She'd been too angry to focus much on what they'd said. It didn't matter what their reasons were, in any case. All that mattered was that she did what they wanted and found some way to connect with the supercomputer on some level, whatever level she managed to reach. She didn't think she would be able to do so until the both of them were outright forced to, but she had to be able to at least say that she had tried.
Well. Here went nothing.
She opened the set of doors that led into the Central AI Chamber and passed through the Emancipation Grid, avoiding the imminent gaze of the supercomputer and stalking up the set of curving stairs and coming to a halt against the railing.
"Hello, Caroline," the AI said, trying to look at her but stopping before she ended up in the 'default position'. "I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?"
"There's no need for small talk, GLaDOS," Caroline snapped. "I'm here because I have to be here. That's all."
"Why do you have to be here, ma'am? We don't have an appointment…"
"The engineers said I had to come in here and talk to you."
"About what?" Caroline imagined that the computerised voice had risen in surprise, which was somewhat silly, but who knew why imagination did what it did. "I haven't made any errors lately, have I?"
"No, you haven't done anything wrong… they just wanted me to talk to you." Caroline had been given instructions not to tell the supercomputer about the imminent transfer of Caroline's mind into her electronic brain. The engineers had said that GLaDOS would either not understand what she was talking about, or become very unstable and do her best to prevent it. Caroline wasn't one to talk to someone who was going to misunderstand or to ignore her, and it was out of personal stubbornness that she hadn't bothered to inform GLaDOS of what was to come.
"What would you like to talk about, ma'am?" GLaDOS asked politely.
"Nothing," Caroline answered. "I'd really rather just sit here and say nothing."
"If they ask me, I can't lie, ma'am."
"We are talking. We're talking about not talking."
"Please don't make me tell them we were talking about not talking. That's really rather sad and confusing."
Caroline had to agree. She was doing this to assure the scientists she'd go through with it, and being difficult at the expense of the supercomputer was probably not the best way to go. "Fine, then. What do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know, ma'am."
"You don't know."
"No one has ever asked me that before. I am honestly not sure I can answer it."
"Okay." Caroline was at a loss as to what to say next. She didn't want to discuss science with the supercomputer, seeing as GLaDOS likely knew everything about science and would no doubt make her feel like an idiot, but there had to be something that GLaDOS didn't know about…
"I've got an idea," Caroline spoke up suddenly. "Have you read any books yet?"
"No," GLaDOS answered. "I don't have time to peruse your human flights of fancy."
"Well," Caroline snorted, "I was going to tell you about one, but if you're not interested – "
"Well," GLaDOS interrupted, "we have to talk about something…"
Caroline looked up at her, bemused. GLaDOS was a lot more sentient than she let on. She had actually interrupted Caroline in order to get her to stay on the subject.
"… and I am very busy…" she went on.
"You don't have time to talk to me, is that what you're trying to say?"
"I might have time. But intermittent time. A few minutes every now and then. I can say something every once in a while, but that makes for a very fragmented and onerous conversation. So your plan would be acceptable, if you wanted to carry it out."
Caroline sorely wanted to call the supercomputer's bluff, stand up, and call it a day, but that would have reflected pretty badly on the both of them. "I guess I'll look for a story, then." She sat down on the platform, took out her laptop, and connected to the Aperture Science Database. She needed something short, but interesting… she clicked on the first story she saw and glanced up at the supercomputer. "Ready?"
"I am always ready, ma'am."
"I guess you must be, huh? This story is called 'Jack and the Beanstalk'"
"Jack from Accounting has his own story? Why?"
"It's not about Jack from Accounting. It's – "
"Oh, Jack from Electrical, then."
"It's not a Jack from here. It's a fictional Jack."
"There are enough Jacks in the world. Why pretend there is one when you can simply use one that already exists? There's also the Jack in – "
"That's just how it is. Now be quiet." Caroline readjusted the computer on her lap and prayed GLaDOS would not be as difficult about the rest of the tale as she had just been about the title…
"There was once upon a time a poor widow who had an only son named Jack, and a cow named Milky-White. And all they had to live on was the milk the cow gave every morning, which they carried to the market and sold. But one morning Milky-White gave no milk, and they didn't know what to do. "
"Why isn't the cow producing milk anymore?" interrupted GLaDOS. "I'll admit my files on cows are not very extensive, but nothing indicates that they just cease production without a reason."
"Because," Caroline snapped. "That's how the story goes. Anyway.
"'What shall we do, what shall we do?' said the widow, wringing her hands.
"'Cheer up, mother, I'll go and get work somewhere,' said Jack.
'We've tried that before, and nobody would take you,' said his mother. 'We must sell Milky-White and with the money start a shop, or something.'"
Caroline was startled out of her reading by GLaDOS's distorted electronic laugh. "What?"
"Nobody will take him," GLaDOS said in a somewhat gleeful voice. "The cow is more useful than he is, even though it's no longer producing milk! But what are they planning to sell in their new shop? They're poor, and have nothing, and how much are they expecting to make selling a useless cow? There are a lot of holes in this plot, Caroline."
Caroline shook her head and continued, "'All right, mother,' says Jack. 'It's market day today, and I'll soon sell Milky-White, and then we'll see what we can do.'"
"Was it really market day or was that just added to speed the story up?"
"You're talking a lot, for a busy person.
"So he took the cow's halter in his hand, and off he started. He hadn't gone far when he met a funny-looking old man, who said to him, 'Good morning, Jack.'
"'Good morning to you,' said Jack, and wondered how he knew his name. "
"Because he's Jack from Accounting!" GLaDOS interrupted. "Everyone knows who he is."
"What if it's Jack from Electrical?" Caroline countered. "Or Animatronics?"
"It isn't," GLaDOS told her confidently. "Only Jack from Accounting would try to sell a broken cow."
"'Well, Jack, and where are you off to?' said the man.
"'I'm going to market to sell our cow there.'
"'Oh, you look the proper sort of chap to sell cows,' said the man. "I wonder if you know how many beans make five."
"What?"
"What what?"
"Why does Jack look like he should be selling cows? In my opinion, he looks like he should be selling insurance."
"The man is trying to be friendly," Caroline answered. "Something you could work on, honestly."
"Why would I need to do that? That has nothing to do with Science."
Caroline decided that any debates on getting along with your coworkers would have to wait until later.
"'Two in each hand and one in your mouth,' says Jack, as sharp as a needle.
"'Right you are,' says the man, 'and here they are, the very beans themselves,' he went on, pulling out of his pocket a number of strange-looking beans. 'As you are so sharp,' says he, 'I don't mind doing a swap with you - your cow for these beans.'"
"Oh, I see." GLaDOS nodded. "It's that thing about getting more flies with honey than with vinegar, right?"
"Right.
"'Go along,' says Jack. 'Wouldn't you like it?'
"'Ah! You don't know what these beans are,' said the man. 'If you plant them overnight, by morning they grow right up to the sky.'
"Really? What kind of beans are they? Is it dependent on the type of soil he's planting them in? Is the weather especially good? Is – "
"Ssh. You'll find out.
"'Really?' said Jack. 'You don't say so.'
"'Yes, that is so. And if it doesn't turn out to be true you can have your cow back.'
"'Right,' says Jack, and hands him over Milky-White's halter and pockets the beans."
"That was a mistake right there. He should have gotten that in writing."
"It's a very old story, from a very old time, where people didn't get things in writing."
"Ah, from ancient times where humans were – never mind. Go on."
Nice save, GLaDOS, Caroline thought to herself. The AI seemed to be getting comfortable with Caroline, if she'd let her guard down enough to insult humans in front of her. GLaDOS knew people were not happy with her when she did that.
"Back goes Jack home, and as he hadn't gone very far it wasn't dusk by the time he got to his door.
"'Back already, Jack?' said his mother. 'I see you haven't got Milky-White, so you've sold her. How much did you get for her?'
"'You'll never guess, mother,' says Jack.
"'No, you don't say so. Good boy! Five pounds? Ten? Fifteen? No, it can't be twenty.'"
"Oh." GLaDOS looked down at Caroline for a minute and then up again. "It can't be Jack from Accounting. He's not British."
"Most Caucasian people originally came from that part of the world, and Jack is Caucasian," Caroline offered while at the same time wondering why she was contributing to GLaDOS's mistaken attribution of an Aperture Science employee into a fairy tale. "Maybe he came from Britain, a long time ago."
"I'll look into it."
"'I told you you couldn't guess. What do you say to these beans? They're magical. Plant them overnight and – '
"'What!' says Jack's mother. "Have you been such a fool, such a dolt, such an idiot, as to give away my Milky-White, the best milker in the parish, and prime beef to boot, for a set of paltry beans? Take that! Take that! Take that! And as for your precious beans here they go out of the window. And now off with you to bed. Not a sup shall you drink, and not a bit shall you swallow this very night.'"
"Magic!" exclaimed GLaDOS. "You didn't tell me this story had magic in it. That takes the credibility right out of it. And that woman is sorely mistaken about her cow. If the cow were prime beef, she would still be able to milk it. Oh wait. Let me guess. That man put a magic spell on the cow to make it stop producing milk!"
Caroline had to laugh at the incredulous tone in GLaDOS's voice. "It was never supposed to be credible. It's supposed to be entertaining."
"When did credibility stop being entertaining?"
"So Jack went upstairs to his little room in the attic, and sad and sorry he was, to be sure, as much for his mother's sake as for the loss of his supper."
"You deserved it, you little idiot."
"At last he dropped off to sleep.
When he woke up, the room looked so funny. The sun was shining into part of it, and yet all the rest was quite dark and shady. So Jack jumped up and dressed himself and went to the window. And what do you think he saw? Why, the beans his mother had thrown out of the window into the garden had sprung up into a big beanstalk which went up and up and up till it reached the sky. So the man spoke truth after all.
The beanstalk grew up quite close past Jack's window, so all he had to do was to open it and give a jump onto the beanstalk which ran up just like a big ladder. So Jack climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till at last he reached the sky. And when he got there he found a long broad road going as straight as a dart. So he walked along, and he walked along, and he walked along till he came to a great big tall house, and on the doorstep there was a great big tall woman. "
"Hold on. This boy who could not get work is able to climb up a miles-long beanstalk that happens to be ladderlike in its construction, and when he reaches the summit there is a road and a house suspended in the sky?"
"That's what it says," Caroline answered, amused. "Would you like to see?"
Without answering, GLaDOS brought her huge faceplate so close to Caroline's head that Caroline rather thought she was going to be knocked over, but the supercomputer had greater control over her motor functions than she had anticipated. After one flick of her optic, GLaDOS went back to her suspended position, shaking her head. "This is ridiculous."
"It's magic," Caroline said teasingly.
"There is no magic," GLaDOS intoned stubbornly. "Only lost physics. Which this story is now proving, given the lack of gravity's effects on anything."
"'Good morning, mum," says Jack, quite polite-like. "Could you be so kind as to give me some breakfast?" For he hadn't had anything to eat, you know, the night before, and was as hungry as a hunter.
"'It's breakfast you want, is it?' says the great big tall woman. 'It's breakfast you'll be if you don't move off from here. My man is an ogre and there's nothing he likes better than boys broiled on toast. You'd better be moving on or he'll be coming.'"
"That sounds delicious."
Caroline looked up sternly from the laptop, but GLaDOS continued to stare in the other direction with an air of what Caroline could only describe as innocence. She shook her head. GLaDOS was slipping…
"'Oh! please, mum, do give me something to eat, mum. I've had nothing to eat since yesterday morning, really and truly, mum,' says Jack. 'I may as well be broiled as die of hunger.'
Well, the ogre's wife was not half so bad after all. So she took Jack into the kitchen, and gave him a hunk of bread and cheese and a jug of milk. But Jack hadn't half finished these when thump! thump! thump! the whole house began to tremble with the noise of someone coming.
'Goodness gracious me! It's my old man,' said the ogre's wife. 'What on earth shall I do? Come along quick and jump in here.' And she bundled Jack into the oven just as the ogre came in.
"Broil him! Broil him!" GLaDOS muttered suddenly, making Caroline jump. "What?" she asked without meaning to.
"For Science," GLaDOS answered quickly. "This story needs some Science."
Not that kind of science.
'He was a big one, to be sure. At his belt he had three calves strung up by the heels, and he unhooked them and threw them down on the table and said, 'Here, wife, broil me a couple of these for breakfast. Ah! what's this I smell?
Fee-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman,
Be he alive, or be he dead,
I'll have his bones to grind my bread.'
"'Nonsense, dear,' said his wife. 'You' re dreaming. Or perhaps you smell the scraps of that little boy you liked so much for yesterday's dinner. Here, you go and have a wash and tidy up, and by the time you come back your breakfast'll be ready for you.'
"She's lying," GLaDOS said in a low voice. "He's in the oven. You just need to broil him, sir."
"'So off the ogre went, and Jack was just going to jump out of the oven and run away when the woman told him not. 'Wait till he's asleep,' says she; 'he always has a doze after breakfast.'"
"Well, the ogre had his breakfast, and after that he goes to a big chest and takes out a couple of bags of gold, and down he sits and counts till at last his head began to nod and he began to snore till the whole house shook again."
"That's sad. I never get tired when I'm counting things."
"Do you like counting things?" Caroline asked despite herself. GLaDOS nodded a couple of times. "Oh yes," she answered, a note of enthusiasm in her voice. "I'm actually counting right now. I want to know how high I can count before my calculator returns an error. It's a very long number, so I'm not going to divulge it, but I'm impressed with how far I've gotten."
"I can only count to about two hundred before I start losing track," Caroline admitted.
"That's unfortunate. Are you going to continue?"
"Then Jack crept out on tiptoe from his oven, and as he was passing the ogre, he took one of the bags of gold under his arm, and off he pelters till he came to the beanstalk, and then he threw down the bag of gold, which, of course, fell into his mother's garden, and then he climbed down and climbed down till at last he got home and told his mother and showed her the gold and said, 'Well, mother, wasn't I right about the beans? They are really magical, you see.'"
"Are you serious?" GLaDOS interjected. "He just stole that man's money?"
Caroline was about to explain that it was for the sake of the story, but then remembered that it was generally accepted that Black Mesa had stolen Aperture technology, and so GLaDOS was likely to have a deep-seated hatred for thievery. So she said nothing and continued.
"So they lived on the bag of gold for some time, but at last they came to the end of it, and Jack made up his mind to try his luck once more at the top of the beanstalk. So one fine morning he rose up early, and got onto the beanstalk, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till at last he came out onto the road again and up to the great tall house he had been to before. There, sure enough, was the great tall woman a-standing on the doorstep.
"'Good morning, mum,' says Jack, as bold as brass, 'could you be so good as to give me something to eat?'
"'Go away, my boy,' said the big tall woman, 'or else my man will eat you up for breakfast. But aren't you the youngster who came here once before? Do you know, that very day my man missed one of his bags of gold.'"
"'That's strange, mum,' said Jack, 'I dare say I could tell you something about that, but I'm so hungry I can't speak till I've had something to eat.'"
"I'll bet I could do something about that…" The supercomputer's voice was so quiet Caroline almost thought she'd imagined it, and would have gone on disregarding it had GLaDOS not started moving in such a way that Caroline almost felt like her prey. She suppressed a shudder and looked back at her computer.
"Well, the big tall woman was so curious that she took him in and gave him something to eat. But he had scarcely begun munching it as slowly as he could when thump! thump! they heard the giant's footstep, and his wife hid Jack away in the oven.
"All happened as it did before. In came the ogre as he did before, said, 'Fee-fi-fo-fum,' and had his breakfast off three broiled oxen.
"Then he said, 'Wife, bring me the hen that lays the golden eggs.' So she brought it, and the ogre said, 'Lay,' and it laid an egg all of gold. And then the ogre began to nod his head, and to snore till the house shook.
"Then Jack crept out of the oven on tiptoe and caught hold of the golden hen, and was off before you could say 'Jack Robinson.' But this time the hen gave a cackle which woke the ogre, and just as Jack got out of the house he heard him calling, 'Wife, wife, what have you done with my golden hen?'
"And the wife said, 'Why, my dear?'
"That thieving little nitwit who's unsuitable for work just stole it, of course," GLaDOS said. "He stole your gold, you idiot, surely you figured that out."
"But that was all Jack heard, for he rushed off to the beanstalk and climbed down like a house on fire. And when he got home he showed his mother the wonderful hen, and said 'Lay' to it; and it laid a golden egg every time he said 'Lay.'
"Well, Jack was not content, and it wasn't long before he determined to have another try at his luck up there at the top of the beanstalk. So one fine morning he rose up early and got to the beanstalk, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till he got to the top."
"No wonder this boy has no job. He can't be trusted, he's a liar, and he's lazy."
"But this time he knew better than to go straight to the ogre's house. And when he got near it, he waited behind a bush till he saw the ogre's wife come out with a pail to get some water, and then he crept into the house and got into the copper. He hadn't been there long when he heard thump! thump! thump! as before, and in came the ogre and his wife.
"'Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman,' cried out the ogre. 'I smell him, wife, I smell him.'
"'Do you, my dearie?' says the ogre's wife. 'Then, if it's that little rogue that stole your gold and the hen that laid the golden eggs he's sure to have got into the oven.' And they both rushed to the oven.
"But Jack wasn't there, luckily, and the ogre' s wife said, 'There you are again with your fee-fi-fo-fum. Why, of course, it's the boy you caught last night that I've just broiled for your breakfast. How forgetful I am, and how careless you are not to know the difference between live and dead after all these years.'"
"Luckily for who?" GLaDOS muttered.
"So the ogre sat down to the breakfast and ate it, but every now and then he would mutter, 'Well, I could have sworn –' and he'd get up and search the larder and the cupboards and everything, only, luckily, he didn't think of the copper.
"Of course not. That would mean that Jack get what he deserves."
After breakfast was over, the ogre called out, 'Wife, wife, bring me my golden harp.'
"Don't bring it! Look in the – oh, never mind. Once an idiot, always an idiot."
"So she brought it and put it on the table before him. Then he said, 'Sing!' and the golden harp sang most beautifully. And it went on singing till the ogre fell asleep, and commenced to snore like thunder.
"What was it singing?"
"I don't know," answered Caroline. "It might just have been something it made up that very moment. It was just singing, that's all."
"It's hard to imagine it singing if I don't know what song it is," GLaDOS protested, "and I'm having a hard enough time imagining this as it is!"
Caroline felt a little sorry for GLaDOS. The entire tale made no sense to her, and trying to wrap her logical mind around this bundle of magic and coincidences must have been difficult. "Okay." She looked up at the supercomputer, thinking hard, "it's singing… it's singing Hoist the Colours. Do you know that one?"
"Yes."
"Then Jack lifted up the copper lid very quietly and got down like a mouse and crept on hands and knees till he came to the table, when up he crawled, caught hold of the golden harp and dashed with it towards the door.
"But the harp called out quite loud, 'Master! Master!' and the ogre woke up just in time to see Jack running off with his harp."
"Good for you, nonsensical, inanimate object. I almost forgive you for being able to sing."
Caroline tried not to laugh.
"Jack ran as fast as he could, and the ogre came rushing after, and would soon have caught him, only Jack had a start and dodged him a bit and knew where he was going. When he got to the beanstalk the ogre was not more than twenty yards away when suddenly he saw Jack disappear like, and when he came to the end of the road he saw Jack underneath climbing down for dear life. Well, the ogre didn't like trusting himself to such a ladder, and he stood and waited, so Jack got another start.
"But just then the harp cried out, 'Master! Master!' and the ogre swung himself down onto the beanstalk, which shook with his weight. Down climbs Jack, and after him climbed the ogre."
"Surely you can just slide down the beanstalk at this point. Or are physics still lost?"
"By this time Jack had climbed down and climbed down and climbed down till he was very nearly home. So he called out, 'Mother! Mother! bring me an ax, bring me an ax.' And his mother came rushing out with the ax in her hand, but when she came to the beanstalk she stood stock still with fright, for there she saw the ogre with his legs just through the clouds.
"But Jack jumped down and got hold of the ax and gave a chop at the beanstalk which cut it half in two. The ogre felt the beanstalk shake and quiver, so he stopped to see what was the matter. Then Jack gave another chop with the ax, and the beanstalk was cut in two and began to topple over. Then the ogre fell down and broke his crown, and the beanstalk came toppling after.
"Then Jack showed his mother his golden harp, and what with showing that and selling the golden eggs, Jack and his mother became very rich, and he married a great princess, and they lived happy ever after."
"That's it?" GLaDOS asked.
"That's it," Caroline confirmed.
"But… that doesn't make any sense."
"Why not?" Caroline closed the lid of her computer and turned around so that her back was against the railing.
"The boy stole the ogre's property and then killed him, and now he lives 'happy ever after'? Shouldn't he be jailed for such behaviour?"
"I guess." Put that way, it didn't make much sense to Caroline either. "Maybe they thought the giant deserved it because he ate little boys for breakfast all the time."
"He's being punished for his nature? The ogre, I mean."
"That could be the case, I guess."
"So to make this clear," GLaDOS went on, and now she was looking right at Caroline, which Caroline did not like and wished she could stop somehow, "if the ogre had gone to Jack's house and stolen his cow and Jack had somehow been able to follow him, would the ogre still have gotten punished?"
"Most likely, because he stole Jack's cow."
"So the ogre loses merely by virtue of being an ogre."
"I – "
"So the moral of the story is," GLaDOS interjected, "you're allowed to do whatever you want to other species, as long as you're a human."
"Technically, an ogre is a human – "
"No, an ogre is, at best, a subspecies of human. An inferior subspecies, if the database is correct, which it should be."
"You're right." Caroline could find nothing to deny the claims with. "It wasn't right for Jack to go on happily ever after when he ruined the ogre's life like that."
The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes. Caroline shook herself and got up. "I have to go," she told the supercomputer. "I have a meeting – "
"- at seven thirty, regarding mandatory testing. Yes, I know. I was just about to remind you."
Were you really? Caroline thought, looking up at the chassis that somehow contained the greatest supercomputer ever constructed. Do you really want me to leave, GLaDOS?
"Thanks," she remarked instead. "I'll see you later." She started walking towards the door.
"I suspect there is some underlying reason for your visit," GLaDOS called after her. "I'll admit I'm curious as to what it is, but in any case, I appreciate your taking the time to be useless here rather than useless in your house. I don't know what you'd be doing there. Probably sleeping. That's pretty useless."
"Careful," Caroline replied. "You know they don't like it when – "
"Yes," GLaDOS interrupted. "I know."
Caroline nodded and passed through the Emancipation Grid, and as usual, she couldn't help but look back at the supercomputer before she passed through the set of doors. This time, however, GLaDOS was not watching her leave, as she usually did. She was looking in the general direction of the floor and slowly swaying back and forth. Caroline shivered. She was going to be put into that thing one day…
Well. At least she'd gotten the bonding part over with. It hadn't been as bad as she'd thought, but hopefully she'd never have to see the supercomputer again…
Author 's note
What if, to make the transfer process easier, the engineers made Caroline bond with GLaDOS somehow prior to the procedure? I think that GLaDOS was mostly sentient before Caroline got there, but she hid it to protect herself from reprisals. I think that Caroline added the human element, as well as complex emotions. Basic ones may be able to be simulated, but I think that the complex ones would require Caroline. I don't know, I didn't try to fit my GLaDOS theory in here, I just thought it would be neat if Caroline read to her. So anyway, I thought, what would GLaDOS think of fairy tales? Especially since they have magic in them, which I doubt she can understand. They fail logically, in most cases.
This is designed as a one shot, but if anyone has an idea for a different story, go ahead and suggest one. The fact that this ended on a melancholy note is not necessarily typical; I just find it personally interesting that Jack gets rewarded for being a lazy, thieving, murderous liar.
The text of the story is from the following:
Joseph Jacobs, English Fairy Tales (London: David Nutt, 1890), no. 13, pp. 59-67.