ADDISON'S DISEASE
By Marcela Costa
Dear Derek,
I've always had a great deal of difficulty to let go of things in my life. Even if it's hurting me and eating me inside like cancer, I just sit down and let myself hope that everything is going to be okay. And I always believed wholeheartedly that I was right. Since I came to Seattle, two years ago, I've been living by that same statement: Everything is going to be okay eventually. But, Derek Shepherd, I was wrong. And, worst of all, I let you sit through a sea of unhappiness when you deserved better. And, now that I think about it, I deserved better too.
I've come to a painful, but definitive conclusion: I can no longer stay in Seattle Grace Hospital.
Don't try to stop me – by the time you read this, I'll probably be boarding a plane with a ticket to Los Angeles in my hands and no round trip in mind – and don't try to think that I'm a coward. I wouldn't run away from a situation like this unless I was absolutely sure that there was nothing else I can do. It's like a late-stage ectopic pregnancy: The only thing left to do is move on.
However, I couldn't go leaving some things unsaid. I've chosen you as the person to hear them because for most of my life, I've seen in you a person to whom I can say anything. I can almost see your avid ears again, just like in medical school, when I was about to tell you the news. I would be very thankful if you passed on my message.
Interns, don't ever give up on your medical careers. There will be obstacles in your way – I never said there wouldn't – but as a thirty-nine-year-old accomplished attending gynaecologist, obstetrician and neonatal surgeon, I can tell you that it is all worth it. No matter what happens, it will be worth it in the end. And, Miranda Bailey is the best leader you could ask for. Respect her and cherish her. You will shortly finish your internship and will have no such opportunity again.
Callie Torres, thank you very much. Thank you for seeing in me more than a slutty obstetrician. Thank you for listening to me and for letting me know that I was not alone in a hospital full of fellow doctors whose only desire was to see my husband with someone else. Thank you for helping me accept my weaknesses, work on my strengths and never let a patient down because I had personal crap. You are an amazing orthopaedic surgeon and you have a heck of a future ahead of you.
Chief Webber, Richard, thank you for the amazing opportunity. I can say that I had the most unbelievable experiences of my medical career between the four walls of Seattle Grace Hospital and this was only possible because of you. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye.
Mark Sloan, you're a man whore. But, you were responsible for almost all the fun I had in my life. I will miss your inappropriate staring, your sleeping with every single doctor in that hospital and your failed attempts to make the two of us a couple. But I regret to say that it could've never worked out between the two of us. I never loved you, and I never saw the two of us together for the rest of my life. You and I were not meant to be. You would never have changed your way to live because of me. I was not enough to make you settle down and stick to one single woman. I really hope you find someone who is enough for you. I haven't lost my faith that you have the potential to be an amazing guy. You just need to find an amazing woman. And I am no such thing.
Alex Karev, I wished things had turned out differently for the two of us. I wish that you weren't so young, I wish that you didn't have a whole life of meeting new women ahead of you and I wish that you didn't have the fight-against-the-system hormones circling in your blood that kept you from being "just another intern sleeping with an attending". But, I can tell you now, Alex, that you would never be "just another intern" under any circumstances. You have an incredible talent; not only for my specialty, but for any medical specialty you choose to do. For a moment, I did wish that we were together; I did think that I was in love with you and I did try to be your girlfriend. But after all, you made me understand that some things just aren't meant to be. I wish you lots of love with whoever is lucky enough to be your wife and I wish you good luck with the rest of your life. Not that you need a lot of that last one.
Meredith Grey, don't be afraid to dive – head first – right into life with Derek. You two are obviously made for each other and I was just a rock in your way, like many other rocks that for sure will come. Fight for everything you believe in and never dismiss a little juju: We do most of the work, but the heavens are allowed to help out a little. Don't worry about anything that may be keeping you from being with Derek. Nature will take its course. And, please, tell Izzie Stevens that Forbes Montgomery are not rich-people's last names.
And, last, but sure as hell not least, Derek Shepherd: I will always love you.
Loving you is not a sin and I'm not ashamed. Maybe I don't feel the same way as I felt in first year medical school, but there's a part of me that will always love you more than you can imagine. You were my first love and I don't expect to feel about anyone the way I once felt about you.
Don't take this the wrong way: I want you and Grey to be happy. I just want you to know that whenever you need me, I'll be there. I'll be here in L.A., or in Seattle, or God knows where, but I will be there for you whenever you call my name. If you want me as a friend or whatever other role you need, count on me. I won't put my life on hold, but, the door will always be opened.
And, Derek, baby, when you left me, three and a half years ago, you told me we weren't Derek and Addison anymore. But, you were wrong. We will always be Derek and Addison. That's why I won't be taking out the Shepherd part of my name. It's a part of my life that I'm proud of and that I want to remember forever. Even if just as a remote memory and even if I can never live it again.
I still believe in happily ever after. I know it exists and I know mine is waiting for me. Yours, Derek, is with Meredith Grey. I hope you are smart enough to see that and not to let anything or anyone drive you two apart. I will miss you incredibly and being without you is going to be an incurable heartache for me.
However, I'm hopeful that moving to L.A. is going to start me a new life. That's exactly what I need. A fresh start, something that makes me put everything I lived in Seattle Grace Hospital behind me. Of course, I could never forget it. But it's no longer part of my life.
I wish you luck, love and life. And I wish you many beautiful days to save lives. Please, have some fun for me.
With love,
Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd
Senior Attending Obstetrician and Neonatal Surgeon, Seattle Grace Hospital.
Addie.