The Hippocrite's Oath for Immoral Doctors
Now being admitted to the profession of medicine (through the Correspondence College of Rural Kentucky),
I solemnly pledge to consecrate my life to the service of humanity (that is to say the part of humanity with good medical insurance. HMOs can kiss my gluteus maximus).
I will give respect and gratitude to my deserving teachers (in small, easily transferable bills).
I will practice medicine with conscience and dignity. The health and life of my patient will be my first consideration (after my checkbook, that is).
I will hold in confidence all that my patient confides in me (providing the National Enquirer doesn't give me my bonus).
I will maintain the honour and noble traditions of the medical profesion (of bilking people out of their money on their death beds).
My colleagues will be as my brothers (petty and competitive).
I will not permit considerations of race, religion, nationality, party politics, or social standing to intervene between my duty and my patient (providing they're not black, Jewish, foreign,communist, or poor.)
Even under threat I will not use my knowledge contrary to the laws of humanity (after all, the government would then find out about my secret nation of lab-bred Ape-People).
These promises I make freely and upon my honour ( taking into account I'm the same guy who cheats old people out of their money, fakes x-rays for a piece of the settlement, and sells fake medicine for triple overprice).