The disclaimer saying I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone off to film a movie or something. This is just my own idea of what goes on in my own little GI Joe universe. Plus a few spoilers for the Adult Swim cartoon. I've been watching the new GI Joe cartoon and it's awesome! However something tells me that certain snakes won't be too happy with it.
Cobra: Irresolute
"This is the last time I drink three cappuccinos in a row before going to bed," Cobra Commander wandered into the command center of his newest headquarters. "Or maybe I just shouldn't put half a bottle of brandy in them?"
"What are you doing up Cobra Commander?" Destro asked. The Cobra High Command and the Dreadnoks were sitting around watching something on several large computer screens. "It's almost midnight on a Wednesday. When we don't have a mission you're usually passed out right about now."
"Yeah well I made the mistake of drinking some coffee with my liquor and there's nothing good on the late shows so…" Cobra Commander waved. "What are all of you doing here? It can't be working. Torch looks like he's actually paying attention."
"Well uh you see Cobra Commander we just wanted to check something out," Torch said nervously.
"Yeah uh Road Pig was doing some cyber surveillance and uh came across some military espionage stuff," Ripper said.
"Military espionage stuff?" Cobra Commander asked. "Cyber surveillance? Wait a minute, he was looking up stupid videos on the Internet again wasn't he?"
"Well yes," Destro didn't see any point in disputing it. "But for once his immature dalliances have come up with something interesting."
"Oh good," Cobra Commander walked over. "He found some porn. Let me see."
"No wait! Cobra Commander…" Destro tried to stop him.
"Hey this isn't porn," Cobra Commander watched. "This is a cartoon. A cartoon about…"
"Three, two, one…" Destro sighed.
"GI JOE HAS A CARTOON ABOUT THEM?" Cobra Commander screamed. "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! AN OUTRAGE!"
"We have blast off," Destro rolled his eyes.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! OH WAIT YES I CAN!" Cobra Commander screamed. "THOSE GI JERKS WILL USE ANY OPPORTUNITY TO BESMIRCH COBRA'S GOOD NAME!"
"Since when do we have a good name?" The Baroness gave him a look. "We are a terrorist organization determined to rule the world in case you have forgotten."
"Okay our bad name! Whatever!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands.
"From what we've seen it's not that bad," Ripper said. "Actually even you're kind of badass in this."
"Really?" Cobra Commander asked. "What is this cartoon again?"
"It's something we found on Adult Swim," Ripper said.
"They're only five minutes an episode which is really good for those of us with short attention spans," Torch said.
"You should know," Cobra Commander said.
"You can't beat advice from an expert," Destro remarked.
"Look at it this way," Buzzer said. "If they're making cartoons about us it can't be all bad can it?"
"Yes, it can," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"As much as I'd hate to be on the Dreadnoks' side for anything, I have to admit this instance might not be as horrendous as you imagine," Destro let out a breath. "You know Cobra has dropped another eleven spots on the World Terrorist Organization Threat List. Which means we are now number 75."
"Are we higher than that group of really old cross dressers that nearly pulled off that Medicare scam last week?" Buzzer asked.
"You mean the Gumless Glamazons?" Destro asked. "We're tied."
"On the other hand…" Cobra Commander let out a sigh. "I haven't come up with a halfway decent plan for world domination in over a month. Maybe if I watch this crap I can steal an idea or two."
"That's the spirit Cobra Commander," Destro nodded. "So shall we watch this from the beginning?"
"Might as well. I can't wait to see what kind of lies they are spreading about us," Cobra Commander took a nearby chair and sat down to watch. "Wait a minute, aren't we a Dreadnok short? Where's Road Pig?"
"Technically we're two Dreadnoks short since he's a multiple personality," The Baroness snorted.
"He and his other self had a slight disagreement and have gone to settle the argument over whether or not chimpanzees built the great pyramids of Egypt," Mindbender snorted.
"O-Kay," Cobra Commander said. "And where are the Crimson Guard Twins?"
"They're off on a double date with Cadet Deming," The Baroness let out an annoyed huff.
"That's still going on huh?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Oh yeah," Zandar nodded.
"What do they see in her?" The Baroness fumed.
"Whatever it is they see a lot of it," Torch said. "At least four times a week actually. One time I accidentally went into the laundry room on Level Five and I saw them…"
"Shut up Torch! We don't want to hear it!" The Baroness snapped.
"That's right, we don't," Destro humphed. He leaned closer to Zartan and whispered. "At least not while the Baroness is around."
"Don't worry," Zartan whispered back. "I've got the security camera footage on DVD. We'll watch it later."
The Cobras went to watch the cartoon series. "I have to give credit to the writers for this one. Coming up with a way to kill off an entire major city full of ten million people that didn't use nuclear weapons," The Baroness said.
"Yes, creating a particle cannon by super heating the ionosphere is a stroke of genius! Why didn't I think of that?" Mindbender scratched his head.
"Yes, why didn't you think of that?" Cobra Commander glared at him.
"Since when is Dial Tone a girl?" Buzzer blinked. "I thought Dial Tone was a man."
"He is," Zarana said.
"This must do wonders for the poor sap's self esteem," Monkeywrench snorted.
"Okay wait a minute…" Cobra Commander did a double take as he watched. "Since when is there a love triangle between Scarlett, Duke and Snake Eyes?"
"Since like forever," Monkeywrench gave him a look. "Where have you been?"
"All right! In the future any and all romantic liaisons within the GI Joe team are to be thoroughly researched, put down in writing and explained in great detail with a label on top saying 'Extremely Important: Read This First'!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I guess now is a bad time to tell you about Zarana's little crush on that Joe named Mainframe," Zartan quipped.
"Shut your pie hole Zartan!" Zarana made a fist.
"WHAT? YOU AND A JOE? WHEN WAS THIS?" Cobra Commander yelled. "I don't believe this! I thought I was up on all the gossip around here! I can't believe I've been out of the loop!"
"You're not upset that Zarana pursued a romantic tryst with the enemy?" Mindbender huffed.
"Well it couldn't have done more damage than the time you ran off to Vegas with that science experiment of yours and nearly got married by an Elvis Impersonator!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"In my defense Cobra Commander I was very lonely and very horny," Mindbender stiffened. "And once you got past the tentacles and the orange skin Louise was a very lovely girl and a wonderful companion. Even if she did have problems holding her liquor and developed a taste for human blood."
"And you people make fun of Road Pig and Donald's relationship," Monkeywrench snorted.
"I'd rather have the relationship the Crimson Twins have with Cadet Deming," Torch sighed.
"I like this cartoon! This is really cool!" Buzzer whooped when it finished.
"NO IT'S NOT YOU FOOLS!" Zartan yelled. "Haven't you noticed that nearly all of us Cobras die in this?"
"Oh…" Torch blinked. "Wait the Dreadnoks aren't in it but we're still alive!"
"Yeah but all our paychecks have just gone the way of Circuit City!" Monkeywrench reminded him.
"Ooohhh," Buzzer winced. "That's not good."
"No, Buzzer. It is not. Our headquarters has been blown up into a million pieces by our own weapon. I'm dead, Storm Shadow's dead, Major Bludd is dead…" Zartan counted off.
"No big loss," The Baroness snorted. "The man has had so many accidents during missions these past nine years he's almost never around anyway."
"Yeah the guy's been in and out of rehab more times than Mindy Mohan," Zarana snorted. "And not the fun rehab."
"The Baroness and I are captured and it looks like Cobra Commander is dead too," Destro groaned. "There is nothing good about this!"
"Well…They did kill off a few Joes too," Ripper said.
"Yeah that Bazooka guy is dead," Torch said. "In the cartoon anyway."
"Who cares about Bazooka?" Cobra Commander snapped. "The man is about three cheeseburgers away from a heart attack anyway! That is not freaking fair! They wipe out nearly all our major players and they lose a couple of people that aren't much more than extras! This is propaganda plain and simple!"
"It's a show about GI Joe," Monkeywrench gave him a look. "Duh!"
"I can't believe the hack job they did on my character!" The Baroness growled.
"It looked pretty accurate to me," Zarana smirked. "Not to mention that extra forty pounds they put in your behind."
"Would you like to die for real?" The Baroness glared at her. "I can arrange it!"
"Do people really think we are stupid enough to place hostages near an open vent where they could just scoot out of there with a little distraction?" Destro fumed. "I'm insulted!"
"If I were you I would be more insulted by how they made your face look like one of those statues on Easter Island," Zartan snorted.
"Would you like to die for real with your sister, Zartan?" Destro glared. "Besides you're one to talk! You look like an underfed jackal!"
"What really stuns me is that they tried to explain why Cobra Commander has always acted like a wuss before because it was an act to get his people to think!" Mindbender snorted.
"Like anyone would buy that excuse," Zandar grinned.
"It could happen!" Cobra Commander glared at them behind his mask. "Maybe that's what I am doing?"
"Oh yeah right," Mindbender snorted.
"Come on Cobra Commander," Zartan folded his arms. "Even the Dreadnoks wouldn't buy that!"
"Yeah, we may be dumb but we ain't that dumb!" Torch protested.
"Well it was worth a shot," Cobra Commander sighed.
"You know what really grinds my gears is how they portrayed my killing of the Arashikage Ninja master!" Zartan snapped. "That is not how it happened! I didn't use a gun! You do not use a gun to kill a ninja master! Where's the skill in that?"
"Wait you killed a ninja master?" Ripper asked.
"Yes I did and it wasn't my first job!" Zartan snapped. "Actually I have killed several ninja masters before from different clans. You do not get just anyone to kill a ninja master! You get a professional like me who can charge a huge amount of money for the job."
"Tell me about it," Cobra Commander groaned. "Even I know that! I mean if it was that easy to just shoot a ninja master I'd have just sent in one of my flunkies or something! I had to do research! And this was before you could just look up reviews online!"
"So Storm Shadow had nothing to do with his master's death?" Buzzer asked.
"No, you fool! He was just a patsy Zartan pinned it on," Zarana rolled her eyes. "Don't you remember?"
"He barely remembers his own name," Zandar grunted. "And even then he has to keep writing it on his underwear so he can remember."
"Ha ha ha," Torch gave him a look. "Very funny, Zandar. Well the joke's on you! I don't even wear underwear!"
"I could have gone a lifetime without that little bit of information," The Baroness winced.
"How did this whole thing start again?" Torch asked. "I keep forgetting."
"Simple, as a favor to another ninja clan who promised me weapons and power I agreed to hire someone to kill off the Arashikage Master," Cobra Commander let out a breath. "After a difficult process I finally picked Zartan."
"After I was hired I went to Japan and managed to infiltrate the ninja compound disguised as a humble cook," Zartan explained. "A perfect position to study the camp and find the perfect opportunity to strike. I didn't have to wait long."
"What happened?" Monkeywrench asked.
"That cartoon did get one thing right," Zartan said. "Storm Shadow was jealous of his uncle teaching Snake Eyes techniques he thought he was supposed to learn. And he did threaten Snake Eyes and fight with him. Which of course he lost to Snake Eyes. His uncle got mad and sent him to his room to think it over. However when Storm Shadow left he forgot his personalized bow and arrow set."
"I believe I see where this is going," The Baroness nodded.
"Exactly! I mean how could I miss an opportunity like that?' Zartan said. "Long story short: I took the weapon. Used it on the master by sneaking up behind him. Took off and left the weapon behind so everyone would think it was Storm Shadow. Storm Shadow saw me running away and chased after me but didn't catch me. But by the time he got back to the Arashikage temple everyone there had seen him run off and found the dead master with Storm Shadow's arrow in his back."
"So everyone thought Storm Shadow killed the Master?" Buzzer thought.
"Exactly," Cobra Commander nodded. "Storm Shadow was forced to become a rouge ninja and that's when I found a real bargain. I met up with Storm Shadow and convinced him that I'd help him find out who killed his master if he would become my loyal servant."
"And then what happened? Did he join up?" Torch asked.
"Cor blimey your memory really does have more holes than Swiss cheese, don't it?" Monkeywrench groaned. "Yes! He joined!"
"He wasn't very happy once he found out who did kill his master let me tell you that much," Zartan groaned. "Torch he broke both your legs! How could you forget that?"
"That's how it happened?" Torch scratched his head. "Sorry guys. All I remember is lying in bed watching cartoons with my legs in casts taking these lovely pills the rainbow monkeys gave me."
"Part of the mystery solved," Destro let out a breath. "But I would think even you wouldn't forget how your own legs were broken."
"Uh I can answer that question," Mindbender held up his hand. "I used Torch as a guinea pig on the Mind Eraser machine. You know the same one we used to brainwash Storm Shadow?"
"For all the good that did," Cobra Commander groaned. "He kept remembering things at the most inopportune times. We used it so much eventually he built up a tolerance or something."
"Wait a minute…So, Storm Shadow isn't on our side anymore?" Monkeywrench asked.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Cobra Commander…" A Cobra Soldier staggered in. "Storm Shadow…Ughhh!" He fell forward, revealing several shurikens in his back.
"That answers that question," Cobra Commander groaned. "Time to do what Cobra does best."
"Run away screaming like panicked little girls?" Torch asked.
"Of course not Torch," Cobra Commander said. "Little girls have slightly more composure than we do. We run away like squealing hamsters. RETREAT! COBRA RE-…"
He turned around and found the rest of his staff had already run off. "WAIT FOR ME!"
"Guess Storm Shadow don't like cartoons either!" Torch yelled as more explosions went off.
"Right now I see his point!" Cobra Commander groaned.