A/N: First it would be a Harry Potter fic. Then it was going to be a Dwarf one. Then a Harry Potter fic again. And then – this.
Title: Shopping At The Alley
Rating: G-PG
Summary: Harry Potter x Red Dwarf cross-over, one-off fic. It's just another day in the world of magic for three particular wizards.
Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will.
Warnings: This is a HP x RD crossover. It says so on the summary, see? It's taking up the space of my 50th fanfic, so it's a bit celebratory. Hope you like it!
Shopping At the Alley
Ollivander observed the wand on the counter in front of him. He picked it up and turned it over in his hands. He inspected both ends before glancing up, eyebrows raised, at the customer standing at the other side of the counter.
"I take it you're certain you want this wand, Mr. Cat?"
The customer threw his head back, staring at the ceiling. "Yes, I'm sure, OK? Can I have it now?"
The wand-maker nodded slightly, putting the wand back on the counter. Impatience was a frequent trait in nearly all his customers, he mused. It was a pity that none of them knew the delicate details of designing and creating each and every wand. Maybe he just didn't look tired enough.
"Fifteen Gallons," he said briskly. "Would you like it in a bag?"
Cat shook his head as he took his money-bag out. "Nah. If I stand a chance of catching what's-his-name-mass-murderer Black, I'd like to keep it in my hand." He grinned at the wand-maker.
Ollivander handed the wand over as Cat emptied the bag onto the counter. Ollivander retrieved the money, and when he glanced up the customer had already left. Shaking his head, he went to the back of the shop to put the money away.
Outside in the bright summer sun, inspecting his new wand, Cat walked over into the shade of the wall, pressing past fellow shoppers as he did so. By the wall, two men waited for him. One had his arms folded across his shabby, somewhat stained robes, his head back against the wall, revealing some of his long dreadlocks which travelled down his back. The other had his head buried in a copy of the Daily Prophet, the headline of which screamed: SIRIUS BLACK STILL AT LARGE. On seeing Cat approach, the man with his arms folded unfolded them and smiled at him.
"You all set? Rimmer," he tapped the other man on the arm. The Daily Prophet lowered, revealing somewhat frizzy brown hair and a perplexed, pale expression.
"I happen to be reading up on how Sirius Black is still at large and how truly incompetent that Azkaban prison is for letting him slip through their rotten, rattling Dementor fingers. They should behead these people as soon as they catch them."
The dreadlocked man took the opportunity, snatching the Daily Prophet away from him and shoving it into the bag by his feet. "Come on, Rimmer, be a little more merciful, man." Turning to Cat, he said, "So, what make is it?"
Cat held it out. "Willow and unicorn tale, fifteen inches."
Rimmer folded his arms, bending forward to look at the purchased item. "Well, it's certainly better than yours, Lister. What the smeg is that poking out one end…?"
Lister glared at him. "It's unicorn hair, man. And I don't need a new wand, as you're about to suggest for the five-hundredth and sixth time. My wand's perfectly fine."
As he spoke, he tapped his robe pocket where he kept the magical necessity. Immediately it unleashed sparks – red and gold sparks which flew around them and soared down the street, resulting in a scream. Biting his lip, Lister quickly picked up his bag, gestured to Cat and Rimmer and the three ran off the opposite way.
When they were a safe distance away from the accident, the three leaned against the side of Madam Holly's cake shop. Glancing up at it, Lister nodded at Rimmer and Cat.
"Come on – let's go in to see Holly, catch our breath. What with all these kids around…"
Rimmer shook his head resignedly as he and Cat followed Lister into the shop. "I dunno why we bother coming here in the summer, it's always packed and sweaty and sweltering once the kids get their booklists…"
Lister and Cat both frowned at him as they stepped into the cool shelter and started to make their way towards a table next to the window. "Because of course, we never went to Hogwarts," Lister snapped sarcastically. "Ten or twelve years ago, that was us, man."
Rimmer glared back at him and it wasn't until they were all sat down that he continued. "Look, don't remind me! I didn't make Gryffindor, and instead I got put into Hufflepuff, where I had to spend seven years alone in a dorm with you."
Before Lister could reply, the shop owner, Madam Holly, had bustled over, wearing her usual black wrap-around robes. "Alright, chaps?"
Lister smiled up at his former classmate. "Alright, Hol?"
She nodded, smiling. "Oh, yeah. It being summer, the business is great! This place is such a good money-earner this time of the year – it's better than the 'Eat Your Own Owl' tournament we had in the winter. Usual for the three of you?" she added. They all nodded, and she quickly turned to go back up to the kitchen to fetch their order. Lister turned his attention back to Rimmer.
"Oh, come on, man. It wasn't all bad, us sharing a dorm, was it?
"Wasn't all bad?" Rimmer exploded. "Every time I think about rooming with you, I shudder."
Cat leaned across and whispered in Lister's ear. "And next he'll be talkin' about the whole Head Boy thing…"
"And not making Head Boy or even Prefect!" Rimmer started to lament. Lister and Cat nodded at each other with resigned looks. Lister then attempted to calm over the situation.
"Look, you're different to your brothers, man, you can't live up to their expectations."
"You can't live up to anyone's expectations!" snapped a voice from the front of the cafe. Lister, Cat and Rimmer all moved to glare at Holly, who was poking her head through from the kitchen. On seeing their eyes on her, she coughed and quickly retreated.
Rimmer gave Lister a wary look as his fellow wizard turned back to look at him. "Lister, in the extremely unlikely and laughable event that I invited you over to my house for the summer when we were at school, you would have seen the lengths my family went to to be successful. You would've come out at the end of your visit with your boots scrubbed up, your face clean, and Merlin forbid, your locks hacked off."
Lister was not remotely keen to get into the old 'hair' argument that he and Rimmer had been having for years, so he stayed silent. Holly came back with three cakes, one glass of milk, a glass of water, and some especially-fermented alcoholic beverage that she brewed in secret out the back. After she had served their orders and left, Cat leaned in and spoke to his companions.
"You guys have been arguing for years. Have you even considered me? You were always tagging around me, and I had to put up with your constant bickering."
Lister smiled in spite of himself, as he absent-mindedly picked apart his chocolate and curry muffin. It was odd how the three of them had grown accustomed to going around together over the years, and circumstances now meant that you didn't see two without one, or one without two. It was incredible how he and Rimmer could not go through a day without arguing or sending various spells at each other. And the way that Cat had coped with it was amazing. (Although the whole incident with the mouse-tails after Cat's impatience had gotten the better of him had taught him and Rimmer to tow the line a bit).
"Well, understand me when I say this," he said to Cat, nibbling on a bit of his muffin.
"And understand me when I say this," Rimmer added quickly, putting his own cherry muffin back on his plate.
Gesturing at Rimmer, Lister said to Cat, "He is – "
"No, he is – " Rimmer put in.
"A total smeghead," they said together, before turning to glare at each other again. "Am not!" they continued, then pointed at each other. "Hypocrite!"
Cat shook his head again, taking his wand and waving it briefly in their direction. A Silencing Charm was cast over his two arguing companions, and he smiled as Rimmer and Lister continued their furious debate, unaware that Cat could no longer hear them. Smiling into the blissful quiet, Cat took the Daily Prophet from Lister's bag and settled down to read it, one hand clutching his fruit and fish cake. Glancing sideways at his friends again, he sighed, and shook his head, before turning his attention to the laughing picture of Sirius Black on the front cover.
Sometimes, I'd rather spend an hour with a mass-murderer than two arguing wizards, he thought, before turning the page over to find his usual reading-material on Madam Malkin's latest robe designs.
Maybe if he was lucky, today was the day they would be giving out more 20-off vouchers to each reader of the Prophet.
Fin.