WHEN THE MUSIC PLAYS
He has seen it all. From being swallowed whole to being chewed to bits and pieces. He has witnessed the breakdown of the elites and the transformation of the sanest soldier into a useless, wasted lunatic. Truthfully, it amazed him how he managed to stay in the corps for five years more and still keep his composure. He should've lost his wits years ago. Sometimes, he, himself, thinks he should've lost his life.
Erwin Smith is an extraordinary man. He is a skilled soldier, one of the finest in the Legion. His intelligence and mental prowess are unparalleled and his commitment to fighting and ending this war makes him an astounding commanding officer. The compassion that he hides away and the charm that he tucks in make him even more amazing that what he already is. It's not every day a man is created with both goodness and wretchedness etched upon their personalities.
And that is why I trust him, why I stood by his side, and why I worry so much for his safety and for his sanity.
"Do you really think it would work?"
The sun was setting. It was late. As head of the research department, I report directly my findings to Erwin, alongside my two other trusted comrades, Lance Corporal Levi and Squad Leader Mike Zacharius. At that time, no matter how minute was the results of the titan research was it still amounts to a giant leap for humanity.
"We have no other choice, Hanji. This is the best option for now. We just have to make it work." Erwin replied, calm as usual.
"We'll make it work." Levi affirmed. I looked at the faces of all three men. There was not a shadow of a doubt visible. They are all convicted to this plan.
"We'll make it work, then. Nothing to it," I grinned. Erwin dismissed us and told us to prepare for the expedition.
We all have our unique ways of preparing, building up our physical strength, emotional balance, and mental state. And Commander Erwin Smith is no different.
"Do you want me to bring you a cup of coffee, Erwin?" I asked before I left. He was already standing by his window, handling an antique-looking device and placing it on the stand by the corner. He fondled with it for a while before he looked at me again.
"If it's not too much trouble, Zoe, thank you." Polite as always. I nodded in acknowledgement and headed to the kitchen.
When I got back, I heard another man's voice inside Erwin's room. The man has a beautiful voice, soothing and yet inspiring. There was a sound of an instrument that accompanied the voice. It was equally calming. The harmony of the voice and the instrument was captivating. I couldn't help but smile.
I opened the door without knocking. I never knock or even ask permission to enter. A bad habit I couldn't break and a habit that my comrades actually found endearing. Erwin's bright smile greeted me and I just couldn't help but grin back. He has changed clothing, disregarding his stiff, all-business-look uniform for a silk robe and slippers. His hair was tousled and slightly damp giving me the impression that he took a quick shower when I was getting the coffee made.
"I made two cups. Hope you don't mind me joining you, Commander," I replied, setting down the cups and making myself comfortable, sitting on the desk instead of the chair, and sipping my coffee.
Erwin took his cup and sat on his bunk. We were silent for a while, listening attentively to the calming voice of the tenor and his accompaniment. I closed my eyes and just savoured the moment.
Click.
Silence.
The music has ended. Opening my eyes, I saw my cup is almost empty. I turned to face my commanding officer and he was on the process of placing another record on the machine.
"You really love music, don't you, Erwin?" I couldn't help but notice.
"Yes, I do, Zoe. I love music very much. It reminds me a lot of my home." He replied, chuckling a bit.
To his dismay, he saw me frown, one of the expressions I don't usually use.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"If you're going to listen to music to remind you of home, then throw it away, Erwin. Or else I will." I replied, my voice a notch higher and louder. "I will make it a special menu for the titans on our next expedition."
"Oh? Why the sudden hate? You were enjoying it earlier, my dear Zoe," he cooed. I sighed. If my obnoxious attitude of entering rooms without permission was endearing, my comrades' form of endearment, at least to me, is using my first name when no one is around. Each of the three of them attaches a word that is unique to each alone. Erwin always used "my dear".
And whenever he does use that tone, I could never be upset with him.
"Erwin, throw it away if it reminds you of your home." I repeated, gentler this time but still non-enthusiastic. He waited for a continuation. I breathed in a lot of air before I continued.
"We are your home, Erwin. Levi, Mike and I, all three of us. We're your home. You don't need that junk to remind you of whatever your home was and where the shithole it is now." I replied, looking down at my empty cup and avoiding his gaze. I felt my cheeks burn a bit for what I said, but I don't really feel regretful for saying it.
Then, I felt two strong arms around my shoulders, pulling me close to warmth. It took a while to understand that the commander, the man I always looked up on and admired and respected and honoured, was hugging me. When he pulled away, he pushed back my bangs and fixed my glasses. He looked me in the eye and chuckled.
"My dear Zoe, aren't we jealous?" he said. "Of course, I know you are my home. As well, as Levi and Mike. I have no one else I hold dearest to my heart. When the music plays, I only think about the four of us. I think about how we will survive another day. I think about how I will face another day if one of you dies like the others. I think about how you will face the day if I die like many others. When the music plays, there is nothing more in my mind but how much you three mean to me. And that is enough to fuel me to survive and fight until this war is over."
I could feel the sting in my eyes and my chest seemed to explode. I grinned and wrapped my arms around his neck. He chuckled again and gently tapped my back while his arms are still resting on my shoulder.
"I love you, big brother, I really love you." I whispered as I gave him a peck on his cheek.
The following day, we were on horses and we were ready to ride – the 57th Expedition outside the walls.