Set after episode 5.11, my first one shot (although its in two parts) and I was just feeling a bit angsty, I've had this idea for a long while so decided to try and write it.
(Also enjoyed the latest episode of OTH but the whole Lucas and Lindsey thing i find weird because if Lucas and Peyton are going to end up together then why are they still pushing Lucas and Lindsey it just seems pointless, if they want to delay the Leyton thing then couldn't they just say Lucas wasn't ready for another relationship yet.)
She wasn't happy but there was no where else she wanted to be, no one else she wanted to be with so maybe if Jamie and Nathan were happy again then that should be enough.
It was the end of the hen/bachelor party and she knew what she had to do.
"You should move back in." She had told him words she was defiantly not ready to say yet but the utter look of happiness on his face confirmed what everyone else had been saying.
She jumped slightly in surprised when she heard Jamie whoop in joy she'd had no idea he was standing just out of the door listening, he jumped into his dads arms and they both beamed so wide while she fixed a fake smile on her face, they were both happy she had made the right decision.
"You have to go to bed mister, it's very late." Haley said "I'm sure your daddy will take you up."
"You should come too." Nathan said, slight worry in his eyes.
"I'm just going to finish up tidying down here you know I can't sleep unless I know every things in its right place. I'll be up soon." Haley said and smiled again, this time real knowing she would have a few minutes on her own.
The boys headed upstairs chatting happily and she felt unsettled, shouldn't she also be that happy.
She had never meant to tell Nathan she wanted a divorce but the shock of nearly losing Jamie had pushed her over the edge and if she hadn't have been so worried she would never had said it.
She loved Nathan and she didn't want to lose him but at the same time, images of him and Carrie by the shower and images of them kissing in her dream still hit her when she was with Nathan.
She knew she shouldn't still be feeling like this her friends had made it very clear that everything that had happened was also her fault.
Obviously no one had actually said that but Brooke had been the first to say something about her supposed bad behaviour over the last few months.
She's popped into the shop while Jamie was playing with Nathan and Lucas and the conversation had come round to the fact she'd hired a nanny.
Brooke had casually dropped into the conversation how if she had a child she would never let a stranger look after them. Haley had been shocked that Brooke was questioning her mothering skills and instincts. She had not said anything though worried about fighting and losing more people close to her but it did make her wonder who else thought she was a bad moma.
When the subject had turned to Nathan and her marriage Brooke although saying she sympathised with Haley that maybe while Nathan was still recovered she should have been home more and not been working two jobs.
She knew Brooke was trying to help so she had restrained from hitting her, she had noticed how broody Brooke had been getting and she guess that what Brooke wanted was a baby and that was why she was talking about being a supposed perfect parent.
Haley knew it was easy to talk about the best ways to bring up children when you didn't have any and that's exactly what Brooke was doing assuming after she had missed the first 3 years that Haley was a neglectful mother.
Peyton had also been less then sympathetic with her although she had not seen fit to criticise her mothering skills. Instead she had brought up the kiss with Chris and Haley had almost chocked on her juice, she had been 16 and confused and Peyton had actually compared the two situations.
Haley found it funny she had made one mistake, a big one maybe, but certain people would always remember and use it against her. The kiss wasn't even the big issue for Haley it was the fact he hadn't told her.
Lucas had not criticised her but had used every possible opportunity to tell her how sorry Nathan was and how he deserved a second chance, it got to the point where she didn't want to see Lucas any more because she knew what he would say. She knew Lucas would do the same if the tables were turned and defend her but she couldn't see how his badgering was helping her or Nathan.
Lindsey had been her last hope, someone she could talk to about how she felt and how over whelmed she was, the hen party was sounding more and more appealing where she could just forget everything for the night with Nathan and just have fun with the girls.
Lindsay instead of helping her, had pointed out how wonderful it was to have someone love you so much, like Nathan did and how that was the most important thing.
Haley guessed it was her upcoming marriage that was making her so optimistic and didn't dare break it to her that marriages needed a lot more then love but it also made her worry was she pushing away the only person who might truly love her.
The final straw had been Skill's words at the party, telling her how she had lost sight of being a family and how this was affecting Jamie and how he needed his family. The guilt she felt at his words, she knew it was her fault and that all she had to do to stop her little boy from hating her was let Nathan home.
She knew all her friends were just trying to help and didn't want to hurt her but with so many criticisms she began to wonder if maybe she was solely to blame for everything that had gone wrong.
So she had told him to stay even though now she didn't want to go to bed, she didn't mind him being in the house or Jamie being happy she just felt overwhelmed.
She didn't feel she could talk to him, didn't feel there was anything he could say to her at the moment that would make her feel better.
She knew he was sorry, she could see it in his eyes it was more that she worried, worried that someday someone would come along better then her and catch his eye, worried that he still kept things from her even after times in the past when things had escalated like the Dante situation and now like the Carrie one.
Mostly she worried about herself though, everyone seemed to think she should be forgiving Nathan by now and moving on but she couldn't just yet so was there something really wrong with her.
Were her standards too impossibly high, did Nathan often fail because she expected too much from him and would he realise this one day that it wasn't him that kept messing up but her.
Haley put the last of the glasses in the dish washer and went and sat on the sofa resting her head in her hands. As she sat there in her dark living room that not long ago had been full of people having a good time she couldn't help but see her life stretching ahead with two different paths.
The first where with some time things would improve, there were still things in her life that caused her joy and with those things as her base she could build on the things wrong in her life and in a couple of months or years they could get back the happy family that Jamie craved.
The other path though was different, waking up every morning it would become more and more apparent that there was something wrong with her, something, that despite everything good around her was making her unhappy and it would get more and more apparent with each day until the day that going back to sleep and not getting up seemed the only thing left to do.
She wasn't happy but there was no where else she wanted to be, no one else she wanted to be with so maybe if Jamie and Nathan were happy again then that should be enough.
So originally this was going to be it but i decided to add a final bit to it that is happier. Basically i was sick of all the criticism that Haley seemed to be getting which i think most of it is rubbish. I guess now i know stuff is going to be ok with them its ok to write angsty stuff again. I hope you enjoy. I will hopefully update in the next few days.