Lose

by Koshka Rayn

[It was the shriek that caught his attention, made his blood run cold. That was a sound of pain. And Armin -Armin didn't feel pain any more, not really. So…?] In which Armin loses something, and Levi maybe kills someone. Jearmin; T for some blood and suggestively violent content.

[SNK JeanArmin; T for copious blood and adult language]

[It was the shriek that caught his attention, made his blood run cold. That was a sound of pain. And Armin -Armin didn't feel pain any more, not really. So…?]

Jean nearly dropped out of the air at the sound of the high-pitched shriek echoing through the forest, slamming roughly into a tree and bouncing a few times before catching his footing.

A few trees ahead of him, Levi jerked to a halt as well, head swiveling to the sound. "Shit," he cursed simply, heading off to the sound. "Fucking kid's gonna call a Titan with a wail like that…"

Not that there were any Titans in their area -hadn't been for months- but still. Old habits die hard.

Jean ripped after him swiftly, skidding to a halt in the clearing.

A familiar blonde was curled in the fetal position on the forest floor, both hands pulled tight to his chest.

There was blood everywhere.

Splashed against a tree, soaking the front of Armin's shirt, dripping from his hair and face…

"Jesus, kid, what the fuck?" Levi asked, marching over and crouching down beside him.

Armin took several shaky but deep breaths, and slowly looked up to the captain. "Sorry, sir," he said breathily, blue eyes glazed in pain. "I…don't mean to hold you up…"

Jean cast around curiously, carefully walking towards the blonde.

He could hear the sounds of 3DMGear coming closer.

"What the fuck did you do?" Levi asked, a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"I…" Armin looked down at his hands.

Blood was starting to leak through his fingers. "It's…nothing too bad… All I need is something to cauterize it with, really, sir…"

"Arlert," Levi said flatly, eyes narrowing even farther. "You are going to show me what you did to yourself of I am going to pin you down and make you show me. Which one do you think would be easier?"

Without another word, Armin carefully shuffled upright. His pale skin seemed even more sallow, Jean thought, keeping a careful watch out for anything dangerous.

His back was turned when Armin revealed his wound, but he turned at Levi's exclamation of shocked surprise.

"Sweet Jesus, kid, what in fuck did you do?"

Jean turned, and nearly swallowed his tongue.

Armin was missing fingers.

Well, nearly. On his left hand, both his pinky and ring finger ceased to exist past the first knuckle. Only two little stubs remained.

"Holy shit," Jean slapped a hand to his mouth, trying not to gape.

"I'm not quite sure, Captain," Armin said, surprisingly calm, as Levi stripped him of his shirt and ripped the white cloth into thin strips. "My gear just stopped working, like it was jammed or something. And then…" he looked down at his left leg, where splinters of metal were poking out of his white pants, staining them red. "I think something exploded or shattered."

"That's…unusual," Levi's scowl deepened as he began wrapping the cloth strips tightly around Armin's hand. "You're dealing remarkably well with this, Arlert, for just having lost two fingers on your dominant hand and having metal shrapnel in your leg."

Armin shrugged, "I'm not to worried about it -I'm ambidextrous, after all. And it's not like I can't handle a little pain."

Levi sighed, "There's a little pain, and then there's having your fingers blown off."

"Pain is nothing new, Captain," Armin said simply, watching the bandages wind around his slim hand. "You have to get used to it someday. I suppose I've just gotten used to it earlier than others."

"…Kirschtein," Levi stood, carefully pulling the blonde to his feet. "Take Arlert back to headquarters -to the infirmary."

"Captain-" Armin protested, frowning.

"Knock him unconscious if you have to, just make him go," Levi deposited the wavering blonde in Jean's arms, quickly making for the trees. "We'll see you tonight, if all goes well."

"Yup," Jean waved boredly, shifting around to settle Armin against his back. "This alright?"

"…Yes," Armin nodded faintly, biting his lip. He would have been blushing, had he enough blood. "Thank you…"

"Yeah," Jean nodded, making sure Armin had a solid grip around his neck before he shot off. "Thankfully we weren't too far away, I guess."

"Couldn't be anything but sabotage," Levi said, poking disapprovingly at the rock that had been wedged into the gears inside Armin's gear.

"Why not simply negligence?" Erwin asked, cocking his head to the side. "That would be perfectly reasonable, as well."

"Unless you know the brat," Levi turned the blade of the fan over and over between his palms. "He's anal about these sorts of things. Nearly as bad as I."

"Oh?" Erwin arched a sculpted eyebrow. "Remarkable. Who do you think would want to sabotage the Arlert child's gear?"

"Fuck if I know," Levi tossed the fan blade onto the desktop, shaking his head. "Seems fucking stupid, if you ask me. We need Armin's mind as much as we need Eren."

Erwin smirked faintly, "Yes, I can tell. By the way you deign to call them by their given names, if nothing else."

Levi glowered at the man. "You fucking know what I mean, shithead. Don't skew my words weirdly."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Erwin smiled, holding his hands up in surrender. "Anyway, what would you propose we do about Arlert?"

"We're gonna need someone to guard him," Levi said, relaxing against the desk again. "Obviously. In case someone tries to pull something stupid like that again; poor bastard's already missing fingers, let's not add dead to that list."

"Armin, what happened?!" Eren exclaimed, jerking to a halt beside the blonde's cot -a halt only because Mikasa grabbed his shoulder. Otherwise, he would have hopped right on up, just like they used to do when they were little and Armin was staying over because he was sick (again).

"We heard you got in an accident," Mikasa said seriously, eyebrows furrowed in anxiety.

"Just something little," Armin smiled benignly, sure to keep his hands tucked underneath the blanket. "Not too major; no big broken bones, anyway. Only a couple fingers…" that were shattered and probably never going to heal straight, unless he decided to straighten them out between a mallet and flat piece of wood.

"But…how did it happen?" Eren asked, scowling and leaning forward. "You're usually so meticulous about checking your equipment!"

"And I did, three times, just like I always do," Armin lay his undamaged hand on Eren's cheek, smiling brightly. "I don't know what happened. Maybe one of the filter screens broke and let in a rock."

Mikasa arched a disbelieving eyebrow.

"How the fuck would that happen?" Eren asked incredulously, nose wrinkling up. "I've never heard of anything like that before."

"…First time for everything?" Armin smiled absently, running his uninjured hand through his thick gold hair.

"Hey," Jean knocked on the wooden door briefly before striding in. "Quit pestering the sick kid."

"I'm not sick-"

"Don't tell me what to do, horseface," Eren growled, eyes narrowing.

"I'm not," Jean shrugged, wandering over. "Just relaying orders from Commander Erwin. No one's allowed in until some investigations have been done."

"Investigations on what?" Mikasa asked softly, frowning faintly. She had one hand on Armin's shoulder protectively, intently watching every move that Jean made.

"Fuck if I know," Jean shrugged, waving a hand. "I'm just a grunt; like they tell me shit, who the fuck are you kidding? Now get, Captain Levi's gonna be here in a bit and I'd rather not get my ass chewed out."

"But-" Eren protested, giving Armin a quick glance.

"I'll be fine, Eren," Armin smiled reassuringly. "I'll still be here. Go on."

Mikasa squeezed Armin's shoulder comfortingly, before nodding shortly and turning away. "Come on, Eren. We can come back in a little while."

The brunette allowed himself to be dragged away, glaring daggers at the taller teen. "If he's more hurt when I come back, Jean, so help me god…"

"Don't worry, Eren," Armin waved, smiling reassuringly. "I'll be fine, really. Don't worry about me."

Mikasa nodded in agreement. "Make sure he's kept safe."

"I will," Jean saluted primly, smiling. "Safe and sound!"

Armin rolled his eyes as the door slid shut. "You're hopeless, Jean…"

The young man snorted, gently pulling Armin's hand out from under the covers. "I'm hopeless? I'm not the one people are trying to kill, thank god."

Arching an eyebrow at the older male, Armin asked, "trying to kill? Excuse me?"

"Oh, yeah," Jean carefully unwound the bandages from around Armin's hand, trying not to cringe at the way they were already turning red. "Captain Levi will explain when he comes…"

"Alright," Armin pursed his lips, watching intently. "It is bleeding a lot, isn't it."

"…Yeah," Jean swallowed thickly, breathing through his mouth. "Urgh, I've never been able to handle blood well… How are you so blasé about this, anyway? I'd be freaking the fuck out."

The blonde shrugged, pulling his knees up. "I dunno. I just…I've never really minded my own pain. I guess I'm just used to it."

"…How the fuck do you get used to pain?" Jean asked incredulously.

"The same way you get used to any other thing," Levi said from the doorway, pulling away from the frame and striding in. "When it happens over and over and over again."

Armin smiled absently, nodding. "Exactly, sir."

"Jaeger tells me you were bullied a lot as a child," Levi said, perching lightly on the edge of the high stool near the foot of Armin's cot. "Why?"

"…I…was different," Armin said, looking away. His hair covered most of his face. It's getting long, he thought absently. I'll probably need to cut it again soon…

"Different how?" Levi cocked his head to the side, watching Jean clean Armin's wound with crystal clear water.

"I'm small and weak," the blonde said flatly. "I'm 'pretty' for a guy. I'm a shame to my town. You know, general things that kids bully others for. Why does it even matter anymore?"

"Because someone tried to kill you today, Arlert," Levi said seriously.

Armin's crystal blue eyes opened wide. "Wh-what…? Why? I'm- what- I don't understand, sir! Why would someone want to kill me? I'm nobody!"

Levi rolled his eyes. "Whatever… Has someone been frustrated with you lately? Angry about something they think you might have done to them?"

"I…no, sir, I don't think so," Armin shook his head slowly. "No one…no one has really even been bothering me, actually. Except…but he wouldn't do that…"

"Who?" Levi asked immediately, leaning forward. "Any information is vital."

"Well…um," Armin colored pink, ducking his head. "His name is Johan Mull. He's…I barely even know him, and I swear I haven't done anything, sir…!" He looked up to Levi, tears misting his eyes. "I don't- please-"

"Arlert, Christ, calm the fuck down," Levi scowled, straightening. "What in fuck is wrong with you?"

"Johan Mull as a soldier who's staked a 'claim' on Armin," Jean said tightly, jaw clenched as he rewound clean bandages around the blonde's slim hand. "He's…well, to be honest, I hate him. He's a possessive bastard."

"Staked a 'claim?'" Levi arched an eyebrow, looking the blonde over carefully. "What does that mean?"

"Means that he's declared Armin his property, and if anyone else tries to touch him, they'll get their fingers broken," Jean growled darkly, fingers still gentle as he carefully adjusted the bandage.

"And you agreed to this?" Levi arched an eyebrow at the blonde.

"No," Armin said vehemently, shaking his head. "He- he won't leave me alone," he squeaked softly, voice cracking in internal agony.

"Has…Mull…ever touched you?" Levi asked slowly, scowl deepening. "Inappropriately, in a way you didn't like?"

Armin nodded slowly, withdrawing tighter in on himself. His gaze was cast down in shame.

"How often?" Levi rolled his shoulders, fully prepared to go kill someone.

Cowering, Armin brought one hand up to shield the side of his face, hiding from both Levi and Jean's probing stares.

"Answer me," Levi said flatly, towering over the bed-ridden boy. "That is not a request, that is a command. Answer me now."

Swallowing thickly and with his eyes shut tight, Armin breathed, "at…at least once a week, he tries. He-" he cut himself off, shaking his head. "Damn it, damn it damn it, why am I the one who always has to be rescued?" he moaned, shaking his head. "Useless useless useless! You should have just gone to work in the fields, moron, at least then you'd have been doing something worthwhile…!"

"…If he is so infatuated with you, then why did he attempt to kill you…?" Levi frowned thoughtfully, ignoring Jean comforting Armin.

"Probably because he has a lover now," Jean said softly, staring down at the top of Armin's head. "Jealous."

"But then wouldn't he go after the lover?" Levi arched an eyebrow. "Get rid of the competition and all that."

"I think he was more of the mindset that, 'If I can't have, then no one can,'" Jean said, rubbing soothing circles on Armin's lower back. "Furious for someone soiling his pretty little rose."

Levi hummed, turning away. "I have matters that I need to attend to; watch him, Jean. Make sure he doesn't go anywhere."

"Yessir," Jean nodded, relaxing against the wall at the head of Armin's cot. "Of course, sir."

Armin woke with a start, panting and clawing at the strong thing that held him tightly restrained.

"-Armin!"

Eyes flying open, Armin stared blankly up at the face that he was pretty sure he recognized, but…

"Hey, hey, sh, sh," Jean said softly, brushing his thick blonde hair away from his face. "Calm down, Armin, breathe for me, okay?"

"J-J-J-" Armin gasped brokenly, staring at the older teen with wide eyes. "I- you- how-"

"Calm down," Jean smiled kindly, fingers feather light on Armin's cheek. "You're in the infirmary, nothing can hurt you here, okay? Remember?"

"I-" pulling in gasping breaths in a desperate attempt to calm himself, Armin closed his eyes and focused on the strong sound of Jean's heartbeat so close to his ear. "Yeah. Yeah. Hurt my hand. Yeah. I…I remember."

The boy with the bicolored hair smiled in relief, shuffling upright against the wall at the head of the cot. "Okay, Armin…that's good. Are you okay now?"

"I…yes," Armin swallowed faintly, shuffling upright. He hissed out a sharp breath when he accidentally put pressure on his injured hand, jerking it upright quickly. "Ah, fuck," he glared at his hand, mentally cursing it for its weakness.

Jean brushed Armin's hair away from his face with a lover's hand, smiling carefully at the blonde. "What'd you dream about? You were screaming…"

"I-? Oh, I'm sorry," Armin bit his lip, looking down at his lap. "I was…its okay. Don't worry about it."

"Armin," Jean said, arching an eyebrow and crossing his arms. "Please. Don't be afraid to tell me."

"I just-" sighing tremulously, Armin shook his head. "I just wish I wasn't so…weak… I'm so pathetic, I don't know how you can stand even the sight of me."

"You're not pathetic," Jean shuffled closer, putting a hand on Armin's cheek, gently urging the slight blonde to meet his eyes. "No matter what anyone says, you're not."

"But-" Armin protested, blinking rapidly. "I-"

"Armin," Jean said seriously, shaking his head. "You're brilliant, but you're so stupid sometimes."

The blonde's cheeks colored in shame. "I…?"

"Stop over thinking things," Jean said, smiling gently. "You're worth ten of any human I know. Thirty, against that Jaeger brat."

Armin chuckled weakly, some color fading. "Thanks, Jean…"

"Anytime, Armin," the older teen said, sliding off the cot and pulling Armin to his feet. "You think you're ready to face the crowds? It's almost time for lunch, and you must be starving."

Armin blinked at him. "L-lunch? What happened to breakfast?"

"You…may have slept through that," Jean smiled guiltily, scratching the back of his head. "Captain Levi and Commander Erwin stopped in to make sure you were still breathing after dinner last night, and Eren and Mikasa after breakfast."

"…Oh," Armin blinked rapidly. "I…whoa. I guess losing a couple fingers really takes it out of a guy, huh?"

"Yeah," Jean smiled, reaching for Armin's uninjured hand. "C'mon. If I'm hungry, I know you must be."

"…Yeah," holding his injured hand close to his chest, Armin allowed himself to be led away.

"…Why is everyone staring?" Armin asked quietly, glancing around.

"Well," Jean chuckled weakly. "There's kind of a rumor going around…"

Armin stared at him. "What sort of rumor?"

"Hey, you alright?" Connie asked, sliding into the seat across from the blonde. "Heard something happened the other day."

"Oh, I'm…fine," Armin smiled innocently, subtly sliding both his hands underneath the table. "Just a little mishap; nothing that a few good hours of rest couldn't fix."

"You sure?" Connie cocked his head to the side, leaning forward. "I heard…" he paused, looking around.

"Heard what exactly?" Armin frowned, hunching his shoulders.

"That someone sabotaged your 3DMGear," Connie said secretively, palms flat on the table. "Wanted to get rid of you 'cause you're so smart and all. A challenge or summat for next position as Captain."

"…What?" Armin blinked at him. "I…what?"

"That's the story," Jean smirked knowingly, propping his elbow on the table. "What's your take?"

"I…guess…?" Armin's eyebrows furrowed in thought, and he glanced down at his hands. "Sure."

"So…are you okay?" Connie asked, settling back. "What happened to you? No one's been able to say for sure."

"Oh, I…" Armin lifted his left hand, reluctantly showing the bandages wrapped around his hand. "It's just a…little thing…"

"Jesus, Armin, what the fuck-?" Connie yelped, gently clasping his hand. "What the hell happened?"

"I lost my fingers," Armin admitted, looking at his hand himself. "My gear got a rock caught in it somehow, I'm sure we all know how, so," he shrugged, pulling back his hand.

"How soon, you think, until you're back in action?" Connie asked, crossing his arms.

"Captain says not for a few days," Jean said, placing a hand on Armin's shoulder. "Just to make sure that no infection develops and such."

Nodding agreeably, Connie pushed away from the table. "Arright, see you later! Take care of that hand, Armin!"

The blonde nodded, waving, but frowned, looking around. "Hey, Jean…"

"Hm?" the teenager took a sip of his water, glancing at the blonde out of the corner of his eye.

"Where…" Armin swallowed thickly, hunching his shoulders. "Where's Mull…?"

"Oh, well, about that," Jean gently set the cup down, not looking at his friend. "He's…well. I'd ask Commander Erwin about that, really."

"Why?" Armin frowned at him, poking at his plate with his fork. "What the hell happened when I was out?"

"Well…" Jean shrugged, rubbing his fingertip over the rim of the wooden cup. "That's a difficult question, that is."

"Where…where are Eren and Mikasa?" Armin asked tightly, gripping Jean's wrist and staring the teenager down.

"Out with Captain Levi and the rest of the team," Jean put his hand over Armin's, smiling reassuringly. "Don't worry, it's just a basic afternoon perimeter check; they'll be back within the hour."

"C-Commander…?" Armin asked hesitantly, knocking on the door of the man's office. "You w-wanted to see me…?"

"Ah, yes, come in, please."

Swallowing nervously, the blonde cautiously pushed open the thick oak door.

"Don't be afraid," the man smiled pleasantly, gesturing magnanimously to the gratuitously padded chair across the desk from himself. "Have a seat, dear child. Close the door behind you first, though, if you would?"

"Yessir," Armin nodded carefully, closing the door and sliding the lock into place. He settled himself on the edge of the chair, trying not to sink into the softness no matter how amazing it was, and clasped his hands in his lap.

"Now," Erwin leaned forward, hands folded under his chin. "I would like you to tell me everything you know or think of Johan Mull."

Immediately, all of the color washed out of Armin's face. "A-all…?"

"All," Erwin said seriously. "Barring an accusation of a capital crime such as murder, theft, or rape, nothing you say will leave this room, nor will anything you say be traced back to you. Feel free to say everything."

"Am…I the only one…?" Armin asked hesitantly, licking his lips.

"No," Erwin shook his head. That may or may not have been a lie, but not like Armin knew that. "You've all been placed under an order of silence, though, to prevent the possible leakage of sensitive information."

"Oh," Armin sank in on himself a little in relief. "Okay, sir. I…I'll try. To tell you everything I know…"

"Stubborn brat," Levi said, after Armin had been led from the room by Jean. "To have told no one for…fuck, for months."

"Odd sense of obligation, to a bastard like that," Erwin nodded, adding a few finishing touches to his paper.

"No sense of self-worth," Levi shook his head, leaning against the desk. "What's that?"

"Report to the higher-ups as to why one of our strongest soldiers has somehow gone mysteriously…missing," Erwin said lightly, handing it to his most-trusted captain. "And the second one's the psychological evaluation that Hanji asked for on the Arlert kid."

Levi arched an eyebrow. "Why would she want that?"

"Kid watched his best friend get eaten by a Titan," Erwin shrugged, sitting back. "And then it turned out said best friend was also a Titan. It's a wonder he's not more fucked up."

Humming non-committally, Levi flipped through the papers. "Yeah, I remember someone else saying that. He was the only one of his regiment to survive in the initial attack on Trost. Close enough when Jaeger died to get splattered with his blood."

"Ooh, definitely a wonder he's not more fucked up in the head," Erwin nodded. "I know plenty of older soldiers who'd have gone off the deep end with half of that."

Levi nodded in agreement, handing the papers back over. "I think I have a…certain someone that I need to go visit."

"Take care," Erwin waved absently, smiling to himself. "Oh, and if you see Jaeger or Ackerman on your way there, tell them that Armin is fine and in good hands."

Levi shrugged apathetically, checking the blade on the knife at his hip. "Sure, Commander. Whatever you say."

Armin crouched underneath the thick tree, head tucked against his knees and hands locked behind his head, hyperventilating.

Jean sat beside him calmly, rubbing his back between his shoulder blades, perfectly silent.

"Fuck," Armin said heavily, yanking at his thick golden hair. "Fuck fuck fuck," he yelled, rocking forward and slamming his fists against the ground.

"Whoa there!" Jean yelped, catching his hands before he could do it again. "Jesus, Armin, calm the fuck down!"

"No, god damn it Jean, you don't get it!" Armin exclaimed heatedly, jerking away. His back was pressed to the tree, uninjured hand lifted like he was preparing to hit something, the other pressed to his chest. "I just- I- they're going to sentence him to life in the fucking fields! He- he's an asshole, he's a vile, evil person, but he's one of our best! He can't- because of me- I'm nothing, Jean! I can't- not- oh, god…"

"Armin, whoa, Armin, calm the fuck down," Jean held his hands out placatingly. "Who…?"

"Who the fuck do you think, Jean?" Armin yelled exasperatedly, throwing both of his hands into the hair. "Connie? Mull! Mull, you fucking twatrocket, Mull."

…Twatrocket…? Jean blinked at Armin a few times. "Okay, so, I'm going to assume that that was an insult. But anyway," he shook his head, shuffling closer, and put his hands on Armin's shoulders. "Armin, Mull is a grunt, right? Moron who couldn't tell you what to do with a 2x4 if you hit him with it, right?"

Armin nodded slowly, guardedly, lifting a hand to wipe away his tears.

"No one has the mind that you have," Jean said, brushing Armin's thick locks back. "No one has half the mind you have. Okay, so, Hanji's fucking brilliant. She's also kind of psycho, so I don't really count her. You're the best strategist we've got- you're the best strategist within any of these three walls, okay? Don't think you're not. You could out-smart any one of these fuckers. Who needs a grunt when there's thirty more to take his place? There's only one Armin Arlert, and that's worth a billion."

Armin sniffled, smiling faintly. "Jean, your motivational speeches don't make any sense."

Snorted, Jean rolled his eyes, just glad that Armin wasn't feeling quite so depressed anymore. "Whatever, 'Min. Just because you're smart."

"But…thanks," Armin smiled shyly, leaning forward and dropping a light kiss on Jean's cheek. "That really did help."

Jean turned a brilliant red, sputtering. "I- uh- yeah- uh, oh…kay. Okay! Can't have sucked too badly, then."

Smile broadening, Armin stood, pulling Jean to his feet. "C'mon, Jean. I need to go get my hand checked out after I, uh…well."

"Threw a bit of a hissy fit?" Jean smirked knowingly, linking their fingers together. "Alright, 'Min. Let's go see Captain Hanji."

Levi leaned against the stone archway, watching the blonde lead the boy with bicolored hair across the courtyard, a knowing smirk on his lips. He glanced back down to the knife he held, holding it up to the sun to examine it.

Nodding, he deemed it satisfactory and dropped it back into its holster on his thigh, tucking the red-stained handkerchief into his breast pocket. He turned to go inside.